For feeling frustrated with my neighbours unintentional noise?

[Tryinghardtobefair]

I've lived in my house for 8 months. My neighbours are lovely. However they're elderly and I'm assuming quite hard of hearing. I say this because I can hear them shout-talking through the living room wall every day, even though our sofa is at the opposite end of the room to the shared wall. We can also hear their TV in our living room almost word for word. There are some days when they have music on and the sound coming through our living room is almost as loud as we would play it ourselves.

That isn't the issue though. It's just my explanation of why I think they're hard of hearing. Even if the noise is annoying its day time hours so I just live and let live.

The issue is, we share a bedroom wall. And they're early risers. They get up at about 5 every weekday morning, sometimes earlier. On a weekend I get a lie in because they don't get up until 6. Their phones are on loud all night and are so loud that the first time my husband heard it go off he asked me how I managed to set retro Nokia alarms on my samsung, and then told me to put my phone on silent. Their phones often go off and wake me up 3-4 times. The neighbours alarm clock also goes off at 6 every morning... despite the fact they're awake and shout-chatting. I have no idea where they got the alarm clock from, but it sounds like it's next to me when it goes off.

My ear plugs must have fallen out when I was asleep today, because the neighbours woke me up with their morning conversation at 4.40am. I can't even go back to sleep because they seem to stay in bed shouting chatting for a couple of hours every morning.

My 11 year old daughter is autistic, with learning difficulties and a sleep disorder. She wakes up between at any point between 1 and 4 every morning for a period of time needing reassurance and resettling, so between her and the neighbours I'm just not getting much sleep and I'm struggling. I'm also chronically ill and a lack of sleep aggravates my symptoms and means I can't function that day. I'm not blaming my neighbours for any of that. Life would just be a lot easier if I wasn't being woken up constantly by their noise.

In terms of reducing the impact of their noise - Our bed is on the opposite wall, but they're just SO loud it makes no difference. Moving bedrooms isn't feasible due to a small spare room. I can't move my 11 year old into the spare room and take her room because it's her safe space and the change would cause huge amounts of distress and anxiety and would undo all the progress we've made with her sleep.

I do wear ear plugs a few times a week but I can't wear them every day. I'm really prone to ear infections and ear plugs trigger them, so I can't wear them every day. I tried snooze band head phones on low volume to try and get around the ear plug problem. I've tried different genres of music, white noise, podcasts and audio books but it doesn't help because it just stops me winding down to go to sleep, and it ultimately makes me want to launch myself and the headphones out of the window.

We rent so we can't soundproof. We're also not in a position to move house, and I don't actually want to move because I like where I live and want to stay here until we can buy. I just want to be able to sleep until 630am without being woken up by neighbours.

AIBU for feeling frustrated? I feel like a dick because they are lovely people and I know it's not intentional on their part.

As an aside, I don't even know how to broach this with them because they are lovely and I don't want to cause offence. But I also don't want to be more sleep deprived than I need to be.

Also please forgive me if my post is written horribly. I'm functioning on about 90 minutes sleep 😬

I wear hearing aids and genuinely don't realise that my tv is on loud or that I shout rather than speak sometimes. My elderly father is the same - his room vibrates with the noise of the tv.

Thankfully we are both in detached properties but just explaining that your neighbours may genuinely be unaware but if you are renting a wonder if the landlord is aware of the issue as the previous tenants left because of it? If so, they may be willing to help fund some of the suggestions you have been given as otherwise the landlord will have continual changes of tenant and that is a pain for them.

While I would encourage you to talk to the neighbour I fear that if they are elderly and hard of hearing they may struggle to recognise the problem or to change.

Could you speak to the neighbours on the other side (if it is a terrace) to see what strategies they have? I would normally say curtains, rugs etc to deaden noise but I don't think that will work for you given the volume.

Could you look for other rentals in the near area as while I appreciate change is difficult for your daughter you need sleep and a restful home.

If they are elderly they may not realise they can set ‘do not disturb’ to prevent some or all phone notifications during the night.
Perhaps you could tactfully offer to show them how or do it for them.

Agree with PP, you are going to have to have a conversation, perhaps over a cup of tea as you’ll need to shout!

Could you approach it from a building problem angle rather than a them problem? Perhaps ask them if the insulation is adequate because the sound seems to travel a lot, and ask if they can hear you. Hopefully they might then ask if you can hear them in return which gives you the opportunity to say, yes, you can hear their phones etc.

When you speak with them do they talk loudly or normally? Only I can hear my neighbours talking through the walls, sometimes the actual words rather than muffled, and they have normal volume speaking voices. I could also hear the previous neighbours scraping cutlery on plates, and even shagging!

Have you tried banging on the wall and shouting ‘shut up’ when they start up early in the morning? Its blunt but it would get the message across!

They probably have nonidea because everyone has been too nice to say anything. I would just had a chat with them and explain

I feel so sorry for you there is nothing worse than being disturbed like this.

Yes you need to speak to them but also I do suggest a white noise machine. Not something you get on your mobile but a proper machine, there are all sorts out there and I have a couple, one I got for about £20

Personally I don't think writing is a good idea. The written word can get misconstrued. I think you need to see them face to face so that you can smile a lot and put across the right tone.

My gran is the same. I'm surprised she hasn't blown a speaker. Thankfully she lives next door to an elderly couple who are just as deaf. I can't stay at my grans anymore because between my grans TV and her neighbours grandfather clocks I end up so overstimulated!

With next door, I genuinely don't mind the TV I can usually block it out with my TV, plus I've learnt to tune it out. It's basically just become background noise. Music is much louder but they also don't play it often so again I wouldn't choose to live with it, but I can deal with it for the sake of once every few weeks.

It's honestly just the nights and mornings I want to remedy because I'm exhausted. I'd let it slide if they were doing this after 7 am because I know they can't help it. But pre 5 am is just unreasonably early and it's killing me. I don't want to deprive them of watching the TV, I just want to sleep 😴 😴

I hope not. Notes are an awful idea, easily misread as you can't deliver tone.

Much better to discuss in person

Could you make removal sound proofing panels? Something that could be put up against your shared bedroom wall as that’s probably the spot where it’s most needed?

Or could you sleep downstairs in the living room? Would it be too disruptive to your dd to change the furniture and sleep downstairs and put your living room upstairs so you’d live in the opposite spaces to them?

Are they getting up for work? I’m trying to work out why they set alarms so early & then chat in the bedroom?

Could you start off the conversation with, ‘I hope my DD doesn’t disturb you…. We’ve noticed the walls are thin as we get woken by your alarm’ and lead into the conversation that way? I would also mention the TV - again ‘can you hear ours because yours is very loud’.

The wall art noise dampener is a good idea. As a cheaper option, how about hanging a thick blanket (or even a duvet) on the wall. Might look odd, but who cares at this point?!

I don't think you should take a subtle 'Oh, the sound is travelling' approach - the messge might not get through to them. You need to tell them that they are preventing you from sleeping. A handwritten note would be good. You say that you are worried about being too blunt - a note means you can rewrite as many times as you need before you send
If you would prefer to speak, perhaps do it sitting down over a cup of tea. But you need to do it. Laying out the facts isn't offensive.

You really need to speak to the neighbours and explain about the noise levels - it might be that they've been like this for so long they just don't realise how loud they are. Maybe they both need to get a hearing test and possibly hearing aids too.

As for the phone alarms - they might not know how to cancel a pre-set alarm so could you offer to check the alarm setting on their phones for them?

Above all, be kind and polite as this couple could be oblivious to the distress they are causing your family.

I do hope you can get this resolved, as you say, you like the house and the area and I imagine your daughter wouldn't want the upheaval of moving.

Why do they need an alarm? It sounds like they are both retired. It’s not unreasonable to ask not to have alarms or loud chatting before 7am! My retired neighbour gets up at 6am every morning out of habit, but I don’t hear it, he told me.
the tv will be more challenging as they probably don’t hear anything otherwise (MIL was same).

Hi OP, I can totally sympathise because we too have elderly neighbours who are louder than we'd like. Plus they're lovely people and mean well and have lived here much longer than us so it's been difficult for us to speak to them about it.
Ours don't wake up early but they stay up late and my DS5's window is next to their kitchen door (we're in a bungalow) and they have their kitchen door open, tv on loud, radio on loud, loud conversations, loud phone ringing, loud doorbell ringing and I find it really Inconsiderate for people who are so nice!
I have avoided saying something for the last 3 years we've lived here, but this year I plan to say something through my son. He was really helpful once and told them that they woke him up when they had a family row (their daughter and son in law were over and it was loud), but they don't seem to realise they make loads of noise too when they're not arguing.
So rightly or wrongly DS is going to tell them that he hears their phone and TV when the summer comes round this year.

But do you know what, I don't think they'll massively change their ways. They are totally stuck in these habits.

I would have a word with your neighbours even if it's difficult to do. You'll feel so much better when you have. But I do sympathise!
Also, without sounding awful, are they quite old? I have always thought my neighbours will be quieter when there's only one of them there type thing...

The last tenant didn't leave because of the neighbours - they lived here for years but had a change in family circumstance.

I can't speak to the other house on the other side as they're very good friends with next door and also elderly with hearing aids so probably don't have the issue I have.

The TV is genuinely a none issue. That was just to give context of the level of noise/deafness. I'd just like them to be quieter on a morning because I'd like to sleep past 4.40am. I'm hoping that they'll understand that the average person doesn't get up at that time.

I am so sorry that you're also going through this. Unfortunately I can't use my daughter as my buffer because 11 is a lot less cute than 5 😂.

My neighbours are probably in their mid 70s or early 80s if I had to guess. They're not bad neighbours and they're friendly enough. They're just so bloody loud in the early hours of the morning 😖

I have mild hearing loss but enough to need hearing aids. When I use the tv or listen to music on the ipad, only I can hear it.. It sounds as if they need aids, if they need the volume so loud. The alarm is very tricky as they are so loud and startling. I always message my upstairs neighbour to ask if any noise is disturbing them. Maybe they are unaware just how loud they are. I hope a gentle note and chocs as suggested by PPs might help, especially if you say your daughter is affected.

I'm going to speak to them this week before I try sound proofing panels. I suspect they don't realise how loud they're being.

Switching floors isn't an option unfortunately. DD won't sleep if I'm on a different floor. She's very anxious at night. I found out the hard way when I slept on the sofa ages ago so that DH could intercept her and let me get some sleep.
I had to come back upstairs because DD was thrashing about in bed, and kept waking up covered in red marks from scratching herself in her sleep because anxiety makes her itchy.

Connevans sells lots of aids for the deaf and hard of hearing, such as vibrating pillows for alarms and headphones for the tv ( you could also suggest subtitles could help when watching the tv).

If you're ND and worried about coming across as too blunt, could your husband go and have a gentle word?
I'd definitely spend a few nights in the spare room, even if it's only large enough for a small bed.
I imagine they have no idea how loud they are but maybe they could swap bedrooms if their layout is the same as yours?

OP, you asked for help in how to word things when approaching the neighbours. My advice would be to explain what the problem is accurately, as you have done here, rather than saying things like you hope they don’t hear your daughter as someone else suggested, because they probably don’t hear her given they are deaf and she sleeps in another room, so that won’t help them appreciate what your issue is. The best way to avoid being too blunt is simply to dress up what you have to say in polite words, IMO. For example, “I’m so sorry to bring this up and I hope you don’t mind me mentioning it, but your voices and alarms are coming through the wall and waking me up very early. Would it be possible for you to keep the noise down until after 7 am, please?” Is clear but polite and so comes across very differently from “Your noise is waking me up at 4.30 am and I want it to stop”, even though both mean the same thing and neither is actually rude. These polite phrases may be essentially meaningless but they make things seem much less rude and confrontational to a neurotypical person. Hope this helps. Your complaint is perfectly reasonable so they should be receptive unless they are less nice than they seem or have issues themselves.

I agree.

They probably don't realise they are so loud, people often don't. Speak to them, nicely.