For feeling frustrated with my neighbours unintentional noise?

[Tryinghardtobefair]

I've lived in my house for 8 months. My neighbours are lovely. However they're elderly and I'm assuming quite hard of hearing. I say this because I can hear them shout-talking through the living room wall every day, even though our sofa is at the opposite end of the room to the shared wall. We can also hear their TV in our living room almost word for word. There are some days when they have music on and the sound coming through our living room is almost as loud as we would play it ourselves.

That isn't the issue though. It's just my explanation of why I think they're hard of hearing. Even if the noise is annoying its day time hours so I just live and let live.

The issue is, we share a bedroom wall. And they're early risers. They get up at about 5 every weekday morning, sometimes earlier. On a weekend I get a lie in because they don't get up until 6. Their phones are on loud all night and are so loud that the first time my husband heard it go off he asked me how I managed to set retro Nokia alarms on my samsung, and then told me to put my phone on silent. Their phones often go off and wake me up 3-4 times. The neighbours alarm clock also goes off at 6 every morning... despite the fact they're awake and shout-chatting. I have no idea where they got the alarm clock from, but it sounds like it's next to me when it goes off.

My ear plugs must have fallen out when I was asleep today, because the neighbours woke me up with their morning conversation at 4.40am. I can't even go back to sleep because they seem to stay in bed shouting chatting for a couple of hours every morning.

My 11 year old daughter is autistic, with learning difficulties and a sleep disorder. She wakes up between at any point between 1 and 4 every morning for a period of time needing reassurance and resettling, so between her and the neighbours I'm just not getting much sleep and I'm struggling. I'm also chronically ill and a lack of sleep aggravates my symptoms and means I can't function that day. I'm not blaming my neighbours for any of that. Life would just be a lot easier if I wasn't being woken up constantly by their noise.

In terms of reducing the impact of their noise - Our bed is on the opposite wall, but they're just SO loud it makes no difference. Moving bedrooms isn't feasible due to a small spare room. I can't move my 11 year old into the spare room and take her room because it's her safe space and the change would cause huge amounts of distress and anxiety and would undo all the progress we've made with her sleep.

I do wear ear plugs a few times a week but I can't wear them every day. I'm really prone to ear infections and ear plugs trigger them, so I can't wear them every day. I tried snooze band head phones on low volume to try and get around the ear plug problem. I've tried different genres of music, white noise, podcasts and audio books but it doesn't help because it just stops me winding down to go to sleep, and it ultimately makes me want to launch myself and the headphones out of the window.

We rent so we can't soundproof. We're also not in a position to move house, and I don't actually want to move because I like where I live and want to stay here until we can buy. I just want to be able to sleep until 630am without being woken up by neighbours.

AIBU for feeling frustrated? I feel like a dick because they are lovely people and I know it's not intentional on their part.

As an aside, I don't even know how to broach this with them because they are lovely and I don't want to cause offence. But I also don't want to be more sleep deprived than I need to be.

Also please forgive me if my post is written horribly. I'm functioning on about 90 minutes sleep 😬

I'm thinking I may talk to them in person and just be polite but straight to the point about the issues that affect us and just ask if they could be a bit quieter on a morning as they get up early and it wakes us up

Definitely mention the alarms - as PP have said, they probably don’t need them anyway, and they may need help changing the setting if the alarm is on their phones. Also, it is reasonable for you to ask them to turn the sound off on their phones at night (maybe offer to show them how) if the pinging of texts etc is waking you. It’s a bugbear of mine when I have stayed with my parents and with other older people and their phones ping loudly all night!
As you asked for advice on how to pitch it in a way that suits neurotypical people: I agree with what another poster said - it’s ok to be direct about the issue but just introduce it with “I’m sorry to bring this up” and lots of smiles. Your neuro divergence will probably actually help you make the point clearly - I need to be more like that rather than doing the typical British politeness!

I don’t think they are lovely I think you are ! They are inconsiderate albeit not even really thinking of how loud they are being.. I couldn’t put up with what you have and are putting up with, they are obv hard of hearing which can happen as we age I’d have a word with them an explain how it’s impacting you and your daughters day to day life. If they are indeed lovely they will try and help each

Can you help them set up do not disturb on the phones, so at least noting comes through that until a sensible time?

That is sonething completely seperate from their early waking, and should benifit everyone. Might be a good way into how much can be heard through the walls?

Hi Neighbour, I wondered whether I could talk to you about an issue that is really affecting me? Our bedroom is attached to yours and I’m not sure whether you are aware but we can hear everything through the wall. When you have your phone going off in the night or your early alarm clock or when you are in bed chatting by 5am, you are waking me up. I am really struggling with lack of sleep, especially because DD is up in the night and it is now impacting my health. Please could you turn the volume down on phones/alarm etc and if you want to chat in bed before 7am please could you do that downstairs? I hope you don’t think I’m being rude but I am really struggling to cope without a full nights sleep and I’d appreciate your help and consideration with this.

You not each

Subtitles . . .

I agree notes can be misconstrued as passive aggressive. When you speak to them, I'd specifically mention the phone and alarm thing rather than a broad "can you keep the noise down" type of request as they may not pick up on the phones being the issue otherwise. You only really get one opportunity to complain in a way that isn't awkward so best to be as clear as possible on what exactly the problem is.

They’re not lovely. You need to tell them very clearly, KEEP telling them and beware of being too tactful otherwise you risk them not getting the message at all!

This.

Talk to them!!

My dh wears hearing aids and doesn't realise how loud he has the TV. Luckily we live in a park home with a bit of distance from others and big hedges so he doesn't bother anybody except me.
If he goes to bed first I turn it down and he always says "oh you don't have to do that it won't bother me" and every time I have to explain I'm not being considerate it's not at a comfortable level.
I hope you manage to get some peace op.

There are vibrating or flashing alarm clocks for people with hearing loss, when you speak to them you could mention those.

I am hard of hearing but I use subtitles when I watch TV.

As to how to approach them, I would go round with a big smile, relaxed shoulders, positive energy and a small "New Years gift", biscuits or chocolate or something as a sweetener and excuse to be at their door. Use the shit sandwich approach...start and end with something positive and put the difficult part in the middle.

Say how much you enjoy living in that neighbourhood and then say that you want to ask them for a favour. Tell them that their alarm is as loud in your bedroom as it is in theirs, that the walls are very thin, and that you are up in the night with your daughter and don't need to wake up until 7am. So could they turn the alarm down so you can sleep when you need to?

If they don't seem tense or defensive you could also tell them that there are alarm clocks that vibrate or flash, which are good for people when they don't hear so well.

And end the conversation with saying to them that you like the area, hope you'll be neighbours for a while, and if they ever need anything just let you know.

If that doesn't work, look out to see if they have a younger relative who comes to visit and grab them for a chat.

Also when talking to your neighbours, speak clearly and project your voice, face them so they can lipread a bit, and try not to shout. Be prepared to repeat things a few times, keep smiling and don't let it fluster you.

Good luck!

They may hqve alarms set as a reminder to take medication so perhaps be mindful of that when ypu mention the alarms

I think you start by telling them you can hear a lot and ask were they aware? That is the logical first step. Then move on to discuss how between you it can be managed. Maybe think about now what you’d be willing to adjust.

I think it’s actually a bonus you can’t “fluff up” because that’s where misunderstanding comes in. Clearer is better - maybe just aim in conversation one to establish if they are aware you can hear and leave it like that TBC - then also you will see if they try and curb it before you speak again

Just a thought about the alarms, it's possible they are blood glucose alarms. My libre frequently goes off in the night due to hypos, I can't change the volume of it, because it's designed to wake me up. Often I treat the hypo, go back to sleep and it goes off again because I've over treated and my sugars are high, sometimes it goes off tens of times. Luckily we are detached so hopefully don't disturb anyone. Also, if it's a bad hypo I might need help so will wake my husband and we will talk so I don't fall asleep until my sugars have risen, which is fine because we're not hard of hearing so don't shout but it might explain your neighbours talking loudly for ages. Sometimes I can't work my phone during a hypo so have to wake my husband to turn it off, so sometimes it's going off for longer and if you don't dismiss the alert, it keeps going off every few minutes until you do, or your sugars are back in range. Obviously it might not be that at all, but it's just a thought.

Hi OP, i'd write a letter if you you find face to face communication difficult, something like this would be appropriate without causing offence:
Dear neighbour,
I hope this note finds you well. I just wanted to take a moment to let you know how much we appreciate having such lovely neighbours like yourselves. It’s been a pleasure living next door, and we’re so lucky to be part of such a friendly and kind community.
I wanted to reach out about something that’s been on my mind. As you know, the walls in our homes are quite thin, and sound carries easily between them. While I completely understand that everyone has their routines, I’ve been finding it challenging to sleep through the early morning hours due to some of the sounds coming through the shared walls.
Please know I understand this isn’t intentional at all, and I only bring it up because I’ve been struggling with sleep recently. Between my health and my daughter’s special needs, getting rest has been tough, and I’m trying to find ways to make it easier.
If there’s any way to reduce the volume of phones or alarms overnight or early in the morning, I’d be so grateful. I completely understand that some noise is unavoidable, and I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable or cause any inconvenience.
Thank you so much for your understanding, and please don’t hesitate to let me know if there’s anything I can do on my end to make things better for you as well.
Warm regards,

It’s a case of talking to them. They may not realise and need their hearing checking. If they had hearing aids noise could be lowered. But they may not realise how loud they are being

my aunt has her tv on so loud it hurt, when she came to stay she increased the volume in mine by 10! From 6/7 to 16. That’s when I suggested she needed her hearing tested and she now wears hearing aids

If you’re struggling about having the convo because you’re ND, why doesn’t your husband initiate it?

I think you should focus on things that are tangible and easily fixed, like the TV, and alarms/ phones, and talking loudly before 6am. Be friendly but also ask them to stop making loud noise before 6am. There are also hearing aids that can be set on a loop for, are they using them? If not you could offer to help them set one up?

Explain your DD doesn’t sleep well and it’s really affecting you all.

I guess you’ll soon find out just how “lovely” they are!

OP, I think your tendency towards being blunt and not using social padding is in your favour. These people aren't 'lovely', they're inconsiderate bastards and have probably lived their entire lives together like this - and possibly that's because nobody has been able to call them out on it before. This is YOUR chance to make that difference! Be polite but blunt - it's the only way. Explain clearly that your child is suffering, you are suffering, and that their shouting and various alarms at that hour are unreasonable. If you want, you could highlight the fact that YOU have to get up for work, they no longer have to.

It's tough if they're hard of hearing - if that's the case it doesn't trump the right of their neighbours to get some sleep and live normally. They will have to make accommodations - better hearing aids perhaps.

Older people do often function on a lot less sleep than the rest of us, and ingrained habits of waking very early (perhaps for a job) are hard to kick (my PIL wake at about 6, but at least they do know it's early for the rest of us). But if they share a party wall with people who don't want to wake before 5 then they will have to be more considerate. I would do this in person rather than a letter, and perhaps with your partner there too (then they can't write it off as a 'fussy wife' because they may well have that mindset), and having done that, give it a week for improvement. After a week, if they show no signs of trying to improve, I'd go round again and be very blunt again. Say you will have to take this to the council.

Tbh if you can hear people talking through your walls, even if they are talking quite loudly, you must have quite thin walls. I've no doubt they are loud as you say, but it sounds like there is also an issue here with the building/ wall thickness as well.

I guess I'm saying go easy when you talk to them as you say, they are just living their lives, but it would drive me mad as well.

You do need to speak to them and try and reach a compromise. There is no need for anyone, apart from maybe small children, to be making noise at 5/6am, and they should definitely be able to keep it down at that time of day.

If they are as lovely as you say then there shouldn't be a problem with telling them. I would just reinforce that you understand it's just how they live and you think the walls are quite thin, but could they find a way to be a bit quieter? I would be polite and forgiving in the initial conversation - you can be more blunt further down the line if things don't improve.

Perhaps they could get some wireless headphones for their TV - my parents in law have these as they are hard of hearing and both need it at different volumes, and it works really well. They don't disturb anyone else and they each get the volume they need.

That sounds good. If you are polite, then any offence they take isn't on you. It sounds like (as 'lovely' as they may be), they have become accustomed to being rather inconsiderate.

This is great!

OP - I'd do this!

But its the neighbours making the noise....unless you meant the OP to pass this info to them?

It’s possible to broach the subject in a nice way.

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