For feeling frustrated with my neighbours unintentional noise?

[Tryinghardtobefair]

I've lived in my house for 8 months. My neighbours are lovely. However they're elderly and I'm assuming quite hard of hearing. I say this because I can hear them shout-talking through the living room wall every day, even though our sofa is at the opposite end of the room to the shared wall. We can also hear their TV in our living room almost word for word. There are some days when they have music on and the sound coming through our living room is almost as loud as we would play it ourselves.

That isn't the issue though. It's just my explanation of why I think they're hard of hearing. Even if the noise is annoying its day time hours so I just live and let live.

The issue is, we share a bedroom wall. And they're early risers. They get up at about 5 every weekday morning, sometimes earlier. On a weekend I get a lie in because they don't get up until 6. Their phones are on loud all night and are so loud that the first time my husband heard it go off he asked me how I managed to set retro Nokia alarms on my samsung, and then told me to put my phone on silent. Their phones often go off and wake me up 3-4 times. The neighbours alarm clock also goes off at 6 every morning... despite the fact they're awake and shout-chatting. I have no idea where they got the alarm clock from, but it sounds like it's next to me when it goes off.

My ear plugs must have fallen out when I was asleep today, because the neighbours woke me up with their morning conversation at 4.40am. I can't even go back to sleep because they seem to stay in bed shouting chatting for a couple of hours every morning.

My 11 year old daughter is autistic, with learning difficulties and a sleep disorder. She wakes up between at any point between 1 and 4 every morning for a period of time needing reassurance and resettling, so between her and the neighbours I'm just not getting much sleep and I'm struggling. I'm also chronically ill and a lack of sleep aggravates my symptoms and means I can't function that day. I'm not blaming my neighbours for any of that. Life would just be a lot easier if I wasn't being woken up constantly by their noise.

In terms of reducing the impact of their noise - Our bed is on the opposite wall, but they're just SO loud it makes no difference. Moving bedrooms isn't feasible due to a small spare room. I can't move my 11 year old into the spare room and take her room because it's her safe space and the change would cause huge amounts of distress and anxiety and would undo all the progress we've made with her sleep.

I do wear ear plugs a few times a week but I can't wear them every day. I'm really prone to ear infections and ear plugs trigger them, so I can't wear them every day. I tried snooze band head phones on low volume to try and get around the ear plug problem. I've tried different genres of music, white noise, podcasts and audio books but it doesn't help because it just stops me winding down to go to sleep, and it ultimately makes me want to launch myself and the headphones out of the window.

We rent so we can't soundproof. We're also not in a position to move house, and I don't actually want to move because I like where I live and want to stay here until we can buy. I just want to be able to sleep until 630am without being woken up by neighbours.

AIBU for feeling frustrated? I feel like a dick because they are lovely people and I know it's not intentional on their part.

As an aside, I don't even know how to broach this with them because they are lovely and I don't want to cause offence. But I also don't want to be more sleep deprived than I need to be.

Also please forgive me if my post is written horribly. I'm functioning on about 90 minutes sleep 😬

Good luck with speaking to them about it. They are clearly hearing impaired so they do not realise they are talking loudly. But they have to talk loudly so the other person can hear them, so you mentioning it will make no difference. They may be willing to make other changes like turning off the alarms/notifications though.

A while back we lived next door to an elderly lady who was deaf. Her bedroom was next to ours and she would wake up about 4am and put her radio on full blast. She was not a pleasant person and there was no point talking to her about it. I solved the problem by moving into the small spare room at the back of the house. I didn't care how small it was, at least I could sleep. That went on for two years, then she moved to a nursing home and we could use the main bedroom again.

If they're partially deaf, they probably don't realise how loud their tv/phones are. But I think it's reasonable to speak to them and say politely that their alarms wake you exceptionally early every morning, and would they consider trying a vibrating alarm or a Snoozeband sleep headphones. Also, as the properties aren't well insulated and you can't sound-proof as you're renting, could they please consider moving to the living room if they get up very early and want to chat, as you can hear every word of their conversation.

If you can afford it, you can get temporary soundproofing, which would also help. (You can have entire wall panels or actual artwork.)

Or, you could build a soundproof wall?

You can get shallow IKEA wardrobes with sliding doors so they take up far less space. You might be able to get some secondhand. Fill them to the brim with clothes, bedding, towels, even boxes packed with polystyrene packaging might help.
https://www.ikea.com/gb/en/p/pax-hasvik-wardrobe-combination-white-white-s39433229/

Personally I'd tackle it obliquely by saying casually how the walls are so thin in these buildings you can hear everything that's said. 'You do have some funny conversations!' tinkly laugh

There's nothing like knowing their every word is audible for shutting people up.

If you worry that your directness might come across as rude, perhaps drop a note through their door. ChatGPT could help you word something, but I'd definitely include something like

"I'm sorry to be writing to you about this, but I'm quite upset at the moment and if I speak to you in person I'm likely to become more upset or come across badly, which I really don't want to do.

We have, for the last X months, really been struggling with noise issues between our two houses. I am not sure if you are aware of how much the sound travels between our houses, but I can give examples of:

• your alarm went off at 5.30am this morning
• last night you watched X on TV
• your favourite music track seems to be Y
• Betty has a doctor's appointment at 11am on Friday (we heard your phonecall with your daughter on Saturday)

These specific examples are just to demonstrate exactly how much we can hear.

As a result we struggle to enjoy our own home and are suffering from a severe lack of sleep as a result of the early wakeups when your phone or alarm goes off.

As I say, I'm sure you aren't aware of how much the sound travels, but we wanted to ask if you can consider ways of reducing the noise, particularly early in the morning when we are still asleep.

Please feel free to pop round for a cuppa and some biscuits to discuss it and I'm sorry if I cause any upset." (Then, if they do come round, you can put your TV on and say "this is the volume my TV is normally on - can you hear it next door?" chances are they won't even be able to hear it in the same room as you, so it might make them realise just how deaf they are!

He's also ND and has really bad social anxiety to boot. I'm not anxious, I was just struggling with how to initiate the conversation. But I've had a lot of helpful tips so I feel better now

It's definitely them and not the walls. I'm friends with someone across the road who has a house exactly the same as this one. She can't hear the couple next door to her .

I won't be hard on them, I genuinely think that they can't hear how loud they are.

I really hope they're receptive to communication

Post a card through with something like this:
Hi [Neighbor's Name],
I hope you're doing well. I wanted to have a quick chat about something that's been on my mind. Lately, I've been waking up quite early because of the noise from upstairs, especially the talking and the alarm clock. I know mornings can be busy, but I was wondering if it might be possible for you to move downstairs when you wake up and maybe lower the volume of your alarm clock a bit?
I really appreciate your understanding and hope this isn't too much trouble. Thanks a lot!
Best, [Your Name]

I have a lot of sympathy for you. My old neighbours were a younger couple who were both profoundly deaf. I couldn’t decide whether they genuinely had no idea how noisy they were or didn’t care how noisy they were. Either way, it was not pleasant to live next door to. They were completely unapproachable to discuss it with them. In the end, we moved. It wasn’t entirely because of them but they were part of it. We couldn’t even enjoy our garden in the summer because they were noisy in their garden too. There was no escape from all the slamming of the doors, plates/pots/cups of the worktops, cutlery on plates, eating noises and that’s before the arguing with their hearing family! On the upside, we never once heard their TV 😂

Do try and take in some of the very helpful suggestions you’ve been given on this thread and good luck

Your neurodiversity may help. I think it's better to be direct about this sort of thing because couching it in too many niceties can make it wishy washy and difficult to understand. I would just say (in person) "I don't know if you're aware but the walls are quite thin and I can hear (describe the phone noise, alarms, loud voices) from 5am (or whenever it is). It wakes me up and stops me from going back to sleep. Could you please put your phones on silent at night and try to be quieter/go downstairs until 7am/whenever - but state a time as everyone's definition of things like "a bit later" is different.

Your aim here is to get them to stop, not to be friends or not hurt their feelings. But ideally be cordial, at least initially. Don't use any phrases like "I'm sorry, but.."

Being in rented puts you in a good position here. If the neighbours don't improve you can go to the council without worrying about having to declare when you sell as you won't be selling. Most councils have rules about not making loud noise between 11pm amd 7am. If that doesn't work you'll have to consider moving. I spent a long time "getting by" on between nothing and 4 hours a night (not due to neighbour noise) and it wrecked my mental health and affected me at work.

I am assuming the neighbours own their house. If they don't you could complain to their landlord if you get nowhere with them.

Id consider writing them a letter and give a shit sandwich

Its really nice living next door to you and such a lovely area. Whilst we appreciate you need the tv and radiation etc on full volume and we can her it word for word in our house during the day, this isn't a problem What we are finding really hard is you're waking really early as is your prerogative - but you probably don't realise is how loud your alarm is and we can hear you talking to each other from then. We are really anxious not to upset you as we want to have a good relationship with our neighbours but wondered if we could have a chat to see if there are any solutions. Can we have nice chat about this over tea and cake?

So when you have the chat they already know what you know and its not a shock to them that their behaviour is upsetting someone else - it gives them time to get up to speed with whats happening. Its like the boss calling you in for a meeting next Friday but no explanation - we worry about whats happening.

You can get temporary soundproofing. Even a false wall filled with rock wool can be removed without a trace.

I'm amazed at how differently people live. I can't imagine getting up that early through choice. I think I must be very lazy!

I don’t know if others have suggested it but could you write them a note and explain you find this sort of thing hard. Also they are more likely to take notice if they have any memory problems.

They’ll be able to hear you too as the walls are obviously really thin. I’d have to move. You can’t expect them to change their daily life to suit you and if they’re deaf, they’re deaf and will need to shout to hear each other.

Speak to them definitely. Don’t agonise just work out what actually is the issue (sounds like it’s the early morning stuff) and stick to that.

But also set up a bed in the spare room and sleep in there 2/3 nights a week. And obviously keep working with your DD on her own sleep as this sounds as much of an issue TBH if you can’t move her or even sleep downstairs. She’d have to manage in a new room if you move, or manage to sleep without you next door if you went into hospital so don’t rule out other options.

A suggestion on how to start the conversation:

hi, hope you had a lovely new year.

I was just hoping we could have a quick chat about noise coming through our shared wall.

I don’t know if you know how much sound carries through the wall, but on ou side we hear a lot of things from you. I’m also concerned we might be disturbing you as we obviously have very different getting up times. I work to timing around daughter school etc, so don’t want to be getting up before 07:00 on a week day - but can hear your alarm going off and your early morning conversations through the wall. I’m also concerned that we might be keeping you awake with noise in the evening.

Even if you don’t think they can hear you, assume they can. Then you’re offering some mutual adjustments, not just wanting them to change.

Ooh we had a pair of those once, only they weren't deaf they were just utter arseholes 😂

If they're deaf I don't think they'll hear her...

If you're planning to stay in this house for a while, I'd ask the landlord if they're ok with you paying to have the shared bedroom walls soundproofed. Or they might go halves. Getting two walls done shouldn't be that expensive. Or you could move if you can't bear to spend money on someone else's house.

I know you shouldn't have to inconvenience yourself. But is there an option to have your living area where your bedroom currently is, and vice versa? So you'd be downstairs while they're upstairs, and upstairs while they're downstairs?

Talk to your landlord about sound proofing – you don't know until you ask.

Can you try having white noise on in your room? It's really effective, and it's good for sleep.

They likely don't realise how much you can hear them, as they probably barely hear you, so unless you talk to them, nothing will change.

Park homes are like giant speakers! I don’t mean to be rude, but I promise you that all your neighbours will be hearing your DH’s tv shows…

It's not a static caravan type. I've been outside when the TV or music has been on and honestly you can't hear it.
We wouldn't subject anyone to it because it was our main reason for moving. It's also a quiet residential site for older people.

Okay so my advice is to do this face to face. Why? A note can be misinterpreted and will likely come across as passive aggressive, whereas in person, there's your tone, body language etc which make up the vast majority of our communication.

Practice saying it in front of a mirror and with your husband like a role play thing. They will likely be upset, but focus maybe on one or two main issues with the noise and also ask if they can hear you.