For feeling frustrated with my neighbours unintentional noise?

[Tryinghardtobefair]

I've lived in my house for 8 months. My neighbours are lovely. However they're elderly and I'm assuming quite hard of hearing. I say this because I can hear them shout-talking through the living room wall every day, even though our sofa is at the opposite end of the room to the shared wall. We can also hear their TV in our living room almost word for word. There are some days when they have music on and the sound coming through our living room is almost as loud as we would play it ourselves.

That isn't the issue though. It's just my explanation of why I think they're hard of hearing. Even if the noise is annoying its day time hours so I just live and let live.

The issue is, we share a bedroom wall. And they're early risers. They get up at about 5 every weekday morning, sometimes earlier. On a weekend I get a lie in because they don't get up until 6. Their phones are on loud all night and are so loud that the first time my husband heard it go off he asked me how I managed to set retro Nokia alarms on my samsung, and then told me to put my phone on silent. Their phones often go off and wake me up 3-4 times. The neighbours alarm clock also goes off at 6 every morning... despite the fact they're awake and shout-chatting. I have no idea where they got the alarm clock from, but it sounds like it's next to me when it goes off.

My ear plugs must have fallen out when I was asleep today, because the neighbours woke me up with their morning conversation at 4.40am. I can't even go back to sleep because they seem to stay in bed shouting chatting for a couple of hours every morning.

My 11 year old daughter is autistic, with learning difficulties and a sleep disorder. She wakes up between at any point between 1 and 4 every morning for a period of time needing reassurance and resettling, so between her and the neighbours I'm just not getting much sleep and I'm struggling. I'm also chronically ill and a lack of sleep aggravates my symptoms and means I can't function that day. I'm not blaming my neighbours for any of that. Life would just be a lot easier if I wasn't being woken up constantly by their noise.

In terms of reducing the impact of their noise - Our bed is on the opposite wall, but they're just SO loud it makes no difference. Moving bedrooms isn't feasible due to a small spare room. I can't move my 11 year old into the spare room and take her room because it's her safe space and the change would cause huge amounts of distress and anxiety and would undo all the progress we've made with her sleep.

I do wear ear plugs a few times a week but I can't wear them every day. I'm really prone to ear infections and ear plugs trigger them, so I can't wear them every day. I tried snooze band head phones on low volume to try and get around the ear plug problem. I've tried different genres of music, white noise, podcasts and audio books but it doesn't help because it just stops me winding down to go to sleep, and it ultimately makes me want to launch myself and the headphones out of the window.

We rent so we can't soundproof. We're also not in a position to move house, and I don't actually want to move because I like where I live and want to stay here until we can buy. I just want to be able to sleep until 630am without being woken up by neighbours.

AIBU for feeling frustrated? I feel like a dick because they are lovely people and I know it's not intentional on their part.

As an aside, I don't even know how to broach this with them because they are lovely and I don't want to cause offence. But I also don't want to be more sleep deprived than I need to be.

Also please forgive me if my post is written horribly. I'm functioning on about 90 minutes sleep 😬

It would block noise coming through the wall too if they put it on their side.

You could maybe write them an oldfashioned letter? I mean, on nice paper, formulated in a non-offensive way? You could write it out for yourself first and have it checked by your husband or a good friend on how it sounds, how it comes over. Then be a big girl, ring the bell at your neighbours and hand them the letter, saying : I didn't know how to ask you but I wrote it down. That way they can never claim they didn't get your letter.

If they're hard of hearing they may not even be aware that they're being a nuisance.
Worth a gentle /tactful word to them about how it's impacting you.

You could just kindly mention the alarms at first and how they're affecting you, then hopefully the convo will become natural and slip in, oh you two get along so well when you just wake up, last thing I want to do is talk to DH! X

I think focus on the things that are easier to address. You are unlikely to be able to change the volume they use when they talk, but I would definitely say something along the lines of

’Would it be possible for you keep your phones on silent, a lower volume or vibrate only during the night? It’s just that we hear them during the night quite a lot, they are very loud and it wakes us including our daughter who has a sleep disorder. We also get woken by your alarm very early but can hear you are already awake so does that need to be on? Feel bad having to ask but it would really help. Maybe you didn’t realise your bedroom shares a wall with ours. The walls are so thin in these houses’

Presumably they have no idea how loud they are being (if they are hard of hearing). If you have a good relationship with them, can you go over and have a quiet (loud😅) word with them? Particularly about their noise in the morning. Don't be embarrassed. You have to do something as the sleep deprivation will eventually drive you round the bend!

They probably don't know how loud they are being. Talk to them about it.

Failing that, move to a detached house.

Good luck with your conversation. It may be that they have no idea how loud they are being. My DH is quite deaf and has the TV so loud when he's watching it on his own that it find it painful coming into the room. He's always surprised because he doesn't realise the volume.
But you can't go on like this. If you don't have any lucky getting them to quieten down (with the best will in the world they might not manage it), it would probably be easier to add insulation than keep trying. What a pain for you.
FWIW, built in bookshelves with a layer of hemp behind them is the best I've ever had.

You can't tell.people what they need etc.
I.had this an elderly neighbour with an alarm clock waking me up.
I did tell her and didn't understand why she needed it on
.it didn't go down well she didn't like being told and we fell out.
Shed lived their ages and I don't think she liked being pulled up.on.it.

It was awful disturbed
my sleep. If your going to tell anyone don't assume it will.go well.

People don't like being told anything.
Can.you live with falling out if so go ahead.

The easy fix here is for them to shut up between the hours of 11pm and 7am - so decide on the outcome you want and go for it.

You'll have to suck up the day time stuff but it is not unreasonable to ask them to put a sock in it between 11pm and 7am.

As to how you approach it ... yeah I'd hate this but I think I'd knock on the door, smile nicely and just say ' this is so awkward for me but I feel I must speak to you as it's affecting me so much' - smile on face, looking slightly pained and err pleading - and then just launch into how you cannot sleep and why and the outcome you'd like to discuss

End with 'I want to cause no offence and I know you'd rather I speak to you about it rather than it affecting my life quality so badly to the point where I just can't function'

More smiling

Something like that I think

So the initial approach is friendly, not wishing to cause upset but crucially very clear that it must stop

It's only if this fails that you've potentially got bigger issues with this 'lovely' couple who sound downright thoughtless to me

I feel your pain, I lived in a Victorian terraced property where my neighbours who were sisters in their 20’s would wake me every morning with her 5am alarm & I could hear her stomping down the hallway to her bathroom, if she had friends round late, etc etc. it was frustrating but I accepted it as just the way these houses are built.
However she had an absolute cheek to bang on my wall whenever we had sex, it got to the point where we were having silent sex! But still she’d bang on the wall! Like she must have been really listening to even know as at most it was some heavy breathing!
Yet if we were talking, had the tv on, music ir my daughter made a noise, we’d never get any wall banging. It was like she was only offended by the possibility of us having sex.
I got so sick of being woken at 5am & my goodwill disappeared along with my sex life! Well one time I could hear her whole mobile conversation like it was in my bedroom so I banged on her wall then when it carried on I went and banged on her front door! She didn’t dare answer the door!
finally when we were due to move I played porn on the loudest volume for around 2hrs!
so I feel your pain!
I’d suggest having a conversation in this case. They probably don’t realise how loud they are.

Could you take a lovely bunch of flowers round with a note explaining they are lovely neighbours and you don’t want to fall out with them, but the noise is waking you early?

Have they ever heard of hearing aids? And quite apart from shout talking, they are making a lot of completely unnecessary noise.

TV sound? Easy. Plug headphones in. Much clearer sound. Some TV speakers are awful.

Alarms are not needed by retired people.

Neurodivergent I sympathise with. Start the convo with "I'm sorry if I'm not the most tactful person and I don't want to offend you, but I must tell you that we can hear a lot more through the wall than you may realise". Smile, keep it light. Guage the reaction and mention one or two issues, look for feedback again. Study the reactions all the time.

Something has to change. The longer you leave it, the more unwell and undiplomatic you are likely to be!

Good luck.

I just saw a suggestion of taking flowers. Yes, it shows you want good relations, not arguments.

I would first think the best thing to do is tactfully have a word with them about it; however, if they are so deaf they need to have the TV/alarms/conversation at volumes loud enough to literally torture you, they'd probably struggle to hear you, so good luck with that. Going by your description of the situation it is unacceptable they are having such a negative impact on your life and there are laws aimed at dealing with that. It is irrelevant whether or not they can do anything about their deafness, having a disability does not give anyone the right to inflict that level of hardship on other people. If you don't address it, you and others in your household will suffer.

My father is deaf and before he got a decent hearing aid, he used to keep asking if I could hear the television after he had turned it up to maximum volume and my ears were literally hurting from the volume. Now he has hearing aids he has the TV on at what I would call a reasonable volume and it is much easier to have a conversation. Technology and methods exist to deal with deafness so it is unlikely the only alternative to turning the noise down is to live in a world of silence. How do they communicate with other people outdoors or use a telephone?

I agree, some people won't take anything perceived as criticism, no matter how valid. On the other hand, some people are oblivious and being told of the externalised costs of their actions can result in a sincere apology and modification of their behaviour. I don't have any direct experience with hearing loss but I imagine it can happen slowly over time, slow enough that you don't realise you are losing it, rather like the boiling frog effect, and the micro-compensations of increasing the volume a bit or talking a bit louder month-to-month are subtle, but they accumulate to the point where people around you start to find it intolerable yet the perpetrator is unaware. Eventually they need to be made aware since nothing will change without a bit of initiation.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boiling_frog

I know this isn’t your issue but I am a terrible sleeper. I use this eye mask that has built in headphones. I can play a podcast / white noise through it. I’ve found it really helps drown out the noises of neighbours / the snorer next to me etc. it’s really improved my sleep and shouldn’t cause ear infections or contribute to them as you mention with ear plugs.

this is a similar style one from Amazon. In case it’s helpful.

www.amazon.co.uk/MUSICOZY-Headphones-Bluetooth-Ultra-Soft-Nighttime-Black-Curved/dp/B0BRQDCN7W/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?crid=2W5OXJSA34QMR&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.EnnP8ILfhC2kQajUKbvDXNoI5vvXmnqDKbAuEktAq95mMEp_mBgVV9uP7nSEP5KncCm9dA_auMzIiAP7lKC84tgm3p-0a9hOI5783KR72xUjXCWMfZ5Uwhb617c2SvNsHRKOI0d6_GJXQNZ1bp01qJIMQl7y3yu7FVKPvP2aqU9v94WYOmPKRRfhbIWbT18dtW7SHoFJrwbGc0jEbFfV6A.UVz1ViGAlLwSr6vMf1xOQ79m_jkmLlcUKC1NkCJMRqI&dib_tag=se&keywords=sleep+headphones&nsdOptOutParam=true&qid=1736287509&sprefix=sleep+%2Caps%2C244&sr=8-3

You need to speak to them! Any noise before about 7 am is considered antisocial - check the council website. Show it to the neighbours. They should feel dreadful.....

Explain how they can put their phones on do not disturb (they can enable phone calls and nothing else, to stop all the notifications). But they should stop all chat, alarms and noise prior to 7 am or whatever is a good time for you? (tbh retired people with no commitments don't need alarms, they can just wake up when they want....)

And reiterate that they are very loud!! it's not your fault they are deaf. Hopefully they'll be mortified and try to resolve things........

I think they are probably quite deaf so have no idea. What about give them a couple of specifics. Could they be quieter before 7/8am for example, or quieter in the bedroom. Say you’re a light sleeper, daughter wakes up etc to sugar coat it. Only issue with raising it is it opens the door to them raising stuff with you. I suspect neighbours and I do stuff that bothers each other time to do (why are they hovering 7am on a Sunday etc) but try to live and let live or you could end up with a complaint fest. In your case I think worth raising a specific.

H I think you might be a bit cheeky complaining about their alarms when your own kid is awake a lot in the night. Maybe you could open up the conversation by apologising for her and saying you hope she doesn't disturb them too much

Agree- begin by asking if your family disturbs them…then explain and even exaggerate to get the point across. Explain that you are only sleeping a couple hours per night and can’t go on like this.
also- somehow mention hearing aids- ask if theirs’ are broken or need adjustment?

Aside from the other good suggestions here, there could be an additional bonus for you after talking to them: they might think they are not as hard of hearing as they actually are, and your feedback could make them see that it has more impact than they think.

It could motivate them to speak to their GP for a hearing test and getting hearing aids, which should reduce the sound level they need considerably. If they still can hear loud sounds, the constant noise they create could impact their hearing negatively, so the more they can lower the volume and still hear each other and the TV and the phone, the better they can preserve the rest of their hearing capacity.

Sorry, you need to move. At least this is not your own house.

They might not even know if you don't tell them. Also try sleep earmuffs instead of headphones or play meditations instead of white noise they knock me right out

Is it another op that doesn't return?