AIBU to change ny phone password?

[ConfusedAdult2001]

I vented to my sister about something my husband and his family did/said that frustrated me. My husband looked through my phone, saw me vent my frustrations to her, and then asked if I thought he and his family were a joke to me. I said no, because they're not, but I was frustrated with them (his family said untrue things about me to my husband, and my husband acts like he doesn't know who to believe because they're both telling him the same lie).

I was frustrated about being lied on, and then even more frustrated that despite him "letting it go", he wasn't understanding that i was upset that they thought it was okay to lie on me. So I vented to my sister about my frustrations.

He read my vent, got upset at me for venting to my sister the way I did (I did not verbally disrespect him or his family at all, just stated the facts of the situation and how I felt), and afterwards, I changed my password because I felt if he's going to get upset about me venting my frustrations to a trusted individual and family member, but doesn't want me to vent them to a friend or even my therapist, but also doesn't actually listen/understand when I try to broach the topic with him, I can't just hold it in.

AITA for changing my phone password to keep my husband from getting upset about me venting to my sister?

I might be TA because I didn't tell him I was going to change my password, and granted, it does look sketchy as one's partner, but I just couldn't keep being gaslit into thinking my perspective/frustration is wrongly placed, and having an outsider perspective helps some

He doesn't want me talking to anytrusted friend about any relationship issues we have, he doesn't want me talking to my therapist about our issues because he's not there to "defend himself", but now he's telling me I can't even discuss issues with my sister. And the issues that resurface time and time again leave my mind during couple's therapy, but they need to be discussed so at least I can move past things. I just wanted to be able to vent my frustrations to someone with a listening ear who actually understands why I'm truly frustrated in the first place, without making me sound like I'm crazy.

Sounds like you need to change your husband, not your password.

He’s not your gaoler. You can speak to who you like, about what you like. And he’s not entitled to go through your phone.

I wouldn’t be changing my password, I’d be having the row to end all rows.

Why is he looking through your phone? My dh has never looked at my messages and I’ve never looked at his.
Imo changing your password is your prerogative but no I don’t think your dh will like it.
However if you’re having counselling then tell your therapist what you like. Your dh doesn’t need to know.
And as pp says your dh is the problem here.

I honestly don't know why he was looking through my phone, it was just out charging while I hopped in the shower this time.

I know postpartum after our first DD, he told me he was convinced I was cheating on him (i was working full time 3mo PP, suffering from PPD and PPA, and eventually told him I was just sitting in the parking lot down the street from the house for 15-20mins before coming home and being a handed a baby who wanted to nurse and be on me, but i didn't want to infect with all of my outside germs. I was just taking a minute to gather my thoughts before coming home from work to deal with more stress and no help. He says he understood after I said that, but continues to look through my phone, during which he found texts between me and a close friend, again, about something he did/said that frustrated me.

I'm just trying to give the benefit of the doubt.

OP looking at your phone without your permission is an invasion of your privacy and VERY controlling! In fact, it seems this guy wants to control you full stop!! I think you need to be giving serious thought to getting out of this relationship, and whatever you do, don't have any more kids with him!

DH has never been through my phone and I have never been through his!

You can speak to who ever about hmwhat ever - how can a therapist even help if you aren’t able to speak.

Why on earth can he access your phone in the first place???

You need standards and boundaries. He's not your master.

Please tell me you don't have kids with this abuser.

See, i never had rhyme or reason to go through his phone until he told me he was worried I was cheating on him and he started going through my phone. My sister said that if he thought I was cheating on him, that maybe he could be the actual one cheating. Again, I never looked through his phone prior to this allegation, but once he started going through mine and acting the same way he says I was, it did raise a question in the far back of my mind.

Again, i was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. He was cheated on by one of his previous partners, but I've never cheated on anyone, have outright disclosed this to him, and then continued to say what I was actually doing with my time, and then stopped taking that time to myself because I don't get it anymore because I don't want him to again think I'm cheating on him.

You are in a toxic relationship and need to access the Freedom Programme with urgency.

What you describe is unhealthy.

Have you actually asked this man why he’s doing this or told him to stop?

He is abusive and controlling.

There is no benefit of the doubt to be had. Looking through someone's phone is illegal and you will be well within your rights to report him to the police.
So yes, perfectly fine to change your phone password. And no, it does not require any explanation or prior notice. It is also absolutely fine to discuss your relationship with your therapist and your husband is not entitled to know what you disclose in therapy. Therapy is about you, not him. He doesn't need to be there to defend himself because it is not about him.

tell him that you want his pw. And then look through his phone.

If he doesn't give it to you, or gives it to you after a while (so he can hide things) then you need to start making an exit plan. None of your posts about him suggest a healthy relationship, tbh.

FWIW: I have never looked through my DHs phone, i don't open his mail and i don't read his opened mail unless he asks me to. I know what his PW is for the phone, but - no. That is a boundary i won't cross. Same goes for him.

I completely hear and understand all of the comments, and I truly appreciate the support and concern.

I never looked at our relationship as being abusive or controlling. I honestly just thought he has some issues of his own that he doesn't want to admit (I won't say insecurities because he says he isn't insecure about anything and i don't want to "falsely" acuse him of having any), however, I do know that I can be wrong sometimes, and still have my justifications for my opinion/perspective, but when I'm frustrated about something, I always feel like i have valid reason to be as such, as any normal person would.

I probably shouldn't have abruptly changed my password (only because it was bound to cause issues and make him think I'm trying to hide something - which is me literally trying to hide my vent sessions with my sister), but I didn't know what else to do if I know I'm going to continue to vent about certain things that frustrate me and don't need/want him getting mad at me for doing so, and then being gaslit into believing that my perspective is actually very wrong.

I thought I was protecting both of our feelings by changing my password (his so he doesn't feel insecure as a man/husband/father, and mine so i don't feel gaslit and like my emotions/feelings are unjust and don't matter), but clearly it just made him feel like I'm "talking shit" (he considers me venting as me "talking shit") about him and his family (I don't verbally disrespect anyone, just explain my frustrations with situations) and like I'm trying to hide the fact that I'm "talking shit" about them.

I thought I was protecting both of our feelings by changing my password (his so he doesn't feel insecure as a man/husband/father, and mine so i don't feel gaslit and like my emotions/feelings are unjust and don't matter), but clearly it just made him feel like I'm "talking shit" (he considers me venting as me "talking shit") about him and his family (I don't verbally disrespect anyone, just explain my frustrations with situations) and like I'm trying to hide the fact that I'm "talking shit" about them.

But that is his problem. You don't need to manage his emotions for him. He needs to do it himself. And no, looking through your phone is not his entitlement no matter how hurt he is feeling. He can think whatever he likes and you can say whatever you like to your friends and family. He is a grown man and needs to find a way to handle this situation positively without involving you or making unreasonable demands.

Yanbu.
I wouldn't let my husband look through my phone. I have nothing to hide but it's mine and private. Marriage doesn't mean you give up your right to privacy.

I don’t think you’re really hearing what the majority are saying. Changing your passcode isn’t the issue. He shouldn’t be going through your phone. And you are fully entitled to vent to whomever you want.

Have you told him to stop? Have you told him you’re entitled to speak to who you want about what you want? Have you talked about this at all? You sound oddly passive, OP. You realise your husband isn’t your boss?

I know he's not my boss, and I know i can definitely come off as passive. I'm just trying to see it from his perspective, or at least if roles were reversed, how I'd feel in the same situation.

If roles were reversed, if I KNEW he was talking to a friend/family member about me and my shortcomings, I would definitely feel some type of way about it (maybe defensive, hurt, in denial, etc.). If I confronted him about it (the same way he's done to me) and he lied about saying anything, and I KNEW he was lying after having (wrongfully) looked through his phone, I wouldn't trust anything he says anymore either. He's snooped through my phone before without my knowledge, and I, trying to protect his feelings and avoid an argument, lied straight to his face, I'd definitely feel like I couldn't trust his word.

You have addressed almost nothing in the comment to which you’re replying, OP.

Have you told him to stop? Have you told him you’re entitled to speak to who you want about what you want? Have you talked about this at all?

Stop trying to protect his feelings.
He has no rights to your private thoughts.
If you have issues with his family tell them to butt out. He should have your back.

He does not get to tell you what you can I can't talk to your therapist about. Do you actually hold back in therapy because of what he's said?
Please open up to your therapist fully, that is your private space and the best place to 'vent' and understand yourself and your situation.

Insecurity is almost always at the root of controlling behaviour. It does not excuse it. The insecure person has a responsibility to manage their own feelings, not dictate the actions of others to try to accommodate their discomfort.

In answer to your question, you are NOT being unreasonable to change the password on your phone to protect your privacy OP.

However, in spite of being told that you are perfectly entitled to do this, and being advised that you ARE entitled to have private thoughts and conversations which your husband is NOT privy to, you still seem to think that he has a right to know absolutely everything that goes through your mind. You are allowed to tell other people when you're unhappy, and if he doesn't like what you've said, having broken your trust by reading your texts, then he needs to stop behaving like an arse, and treat you better. The reason he doesn't want you talking to anyone about the relationship issues that you have, is that he knows that his behaviour is wrong, and doesn't want people to know that he's NOT the nice person that he would like them to think he is.

You are clearly in denial you are in an abusive relationship going by your replies here

I have, and I've told them to butt out, but then it gets relayed to him as me being "disrespectful" and rude, no matter how respectful I come across, and when I tell him they're lying on me, he says he "doesn't know who to believe" because I'm telling him they're lying and I've lied to his face before, too (lied about texts I sent out to a friend/my sister).

I'm not trying to deny his wrongdoings, but I also want to make sure I don't omit my own. He says he's more upset about me lying to him about having sent out certain messages, but also explained how he was hurt by some of the messages I sent out, which I explained weren't meant for him nor his interpretation.

He said that me having lied to him about messages I sent to a friend/sibling to his face caused him to lose trust in me, so he won't take what I say at face value without "proof/evidence" because he feels like he can't trust me to tell him the truth.

This kinda sounds like BS to me when it comes to me getting frustrated that your family is lying on me, but I can kind of understand the loss of trust.

I told him it sounds like he's trying to control who I talk to and what I talk to them about, and that I think that that's absolute BS. He told me he's not trying to control who I talk to or what about, but tried to tell me that I don't need to air out all of his and his family's business (which I don't do at all, i explain the frustrating situations).