AIBU to change ny phone password?

[ConfusedAdult2001]

I vented to my sister about something my husband and his family did/said that frustrated me. My husband looked through my phone, saw me vent my frustrations to her, and then asked if I thought he and his family were a joke to me. I said no, because they're not, but I was frustrated with them (his family said untrue things about me to my husband, and my husband acts like he doesn't know who to believe because they're both telling him the same lie).

I was frustrated about being lied on, and then even more frustrated that despite him "letting it go", he wasn't understanding that i was upset that they thought it was okay to lie on me. So I vented to my sister about my frustrations.

He read my vent, got upset at me for venting to my sister the way I did (I did not verbally disrespect him or his family at all, just stated the facts of the situation and how I felt), and afterwards, I changed my password because I felt if he's going to get upset about me venting my frustrations to a trusted individual and family member, but doesn't want me to vent them to a friend or even my therapist, but also doesn't actually listen/understand when I try to broach the topic with him, I can't just hold it in.

AITA for changing my phone password to keep my husband from getting upset about me venting to my sister?

I might be TA because I didn't tell him I was going to change my password, and granted, it does look sketchy as one's partner, but I just couldn't keep being gaslit into thinking my perspective/frustration is wrongly placed, and having an outsider perspective helps some

He doesn't want me talking to anytrusted friend about any relationship issues we have, he doesn't want me talking to my therapist about our issues because he's not there to "defend himself", but now he's telling me I can't even discuss issues with my sister. And the issues that resurface time and time again leave my mind during couple's therapy, but they need to be discussed so at least I can move past things. I just wanted to be able to vent my frustrations to someone with a listening ear who actually understands why I'm truly frustrated in the first place, without making me sound like I'm crazy.

I do continue to try to be as open and honest as possible with my therapist about things, but if he's around, I do have to either quickly change subjects or whatever else to avoid him trying to gaslight my perspective of things.

I know about the insecurity aspect, but again, I don't want to outright acuse him of being insecure when he's vehemently told me otherwise, and for him to somehow find this post and ask me why I think he's insecure when that's not what I'm stating at all. Basically, I'm just watching everything I say/do that can get back to him and lead him back to me with questions I shouldn't need to answer in the first place.

This!

Did you not get the answers you were looking for when you posted this on reddit?

And you don’t think that what you’ve just described is an abusive relationship?

Can I please ask what you think an abusive relationship is, OP?

So, no. You haven’t said ‘do not ever look at my phone again’ or ‘I will say what I want to whom I choose’. You haven’t asserted any boundaries whatsoever. You’ve squabbled a bit, then changed your passcode.

We can comment on this until we’re blue in the face, but it seems unlikely you’re going to take any of it on board.

As Nessa said to Smithy in the Special on Christmas day - I'll speak to who I want about about what I want, when I want.

Who the fuck does he think he is telling you what you can talk about and to who? I would tell him to fuck right off.

It's just, when I phrase things like that, I'm told I'm "acting like a bitch" or acting irrationally, etc. I understand that I had every right to change my phone password, every right to confide in trusted individuals who will listen to me, and I hear people are concerned I'm in an abusive relationship, I just never saw it as such. It never felt this way until you guys started pointing it out to me. I've been told I sound too "abrasive" sometimes or like I'm "looking for an argument" if I bring up something that doesn't sit right with me.

Again, I just never saw it as abuse, and I don't know if it's because I got used to how things are, worried about my future with 2 young kids, or whatever else that could be keeping me back from ending the relationship, but I am going to talk to my therapist about the concerns I got from this thread.

Again, I never saw it as abuse. I saw it as me trying to hide something from him, which I've been told by him and apparently his friends that seem to think I'm also in the wrong, means I have something to hide.

I know and understand that abuse can be physical, psychological, and emotional. So if this is actually abuse, is it at all possible I've just been conditioned into believing that my perspective is perpetually wrong? Granted, I feel like that would be a bit of a leap from me being upset he looked on my phone to finding out I'm being psychologically and emotionally manipulated without knowing it.

Again, I'm not denying that this could actually be a sign of abuse, I think I'm trying to ask how do I get 100% confirmation that it is?

the way i see it, if you are married or in a relatiobnship, then you should not have anything to hide from your husband/wife/partner, therefore no need for password to be changed.

i agree, your partner shouldn't be 'going through' your phone. I confess, i have not read all the replies, but i assume you didn't know they were doing this?

my DH and I use each others phones all the time, i've never know him need to go through my messages and i've certainly never needed to read his, but it wouldn't bother me/him if we should we accidently catch a wrong button. i know i have nothing to hide from him and i assume he has nothing to hide from me, to change your password implies there is something you want to hide.. and thats the issue.

if he doesn't like what you have to say to your own sister,about his family, then thats on him. if you are saying one thing to him about his family and another to your sister, again, another story..

No one mentioned the possibility of this being abuse, so it's a completely new realization now, because if it's actually a form of abuse/manipulation, this is a completely different scenario, in my opinion. I honestly thought this would get more replies from other women/moms who can maybe understand where I'm coming from.

THAT'S ALL I'M TRYING TO SAY!! Thank you so much.

I felt wrong about changing my password, I admit I am wrong if that was the wrong move to make, ESPECIALLY because I know if roles were reversed, I would also be curious as to what he was trying to hide, something I thought of right before I decided to change my password.

But I kind of felt like I rationalized, "well this way, his feelings don't get hurt and he doesn't come to me asking questions based on his wrong interpretation, and I still get to vent my frustrations and get the input I'm looking for and need.

So, if I'm wrong for changing my password abruptly, I would like to know. We know each other's passwords, but after me changing mine, it definitely looks like I have something to hide, even if I don't.

I'm a bit concerned that he seems to know what you're talking to your therapist about. You know that you don't ever have to tell anyone else what's said in therapy, don't you? I am having counselling at the moment (not even therapy) and my DP wouldn't dream of asking me what we talked about. Its literally none of his business.

It's just, when I phrase things like that, I'm told I'm "acting like a bitch" or acting irrationally, etc.

And do you think that this is a healthy respectful response to a partner asserting their boundaries?

I am going to talk to my therapist about the concerns I got from this thread.

Are you going to tell your therapist that when you talk to them ‘if he's around, I do have to either quickly change subjects or whatever else to avoid him trying to gaslight my perspective of things’? Are you going to honestly give them all the information about your relationship and tell them you have previously felt the need to conceal things in sessions out of fear of his reaction/the repercussions?

Contact Women’s Aid.

Replies aside, have you read all the OP’s comments? If not, I really think you ought to. This man is a gaslighting abuser and she can’t even tell her actual therapist about the things he does.

You’re thanking them because you’re desperately seeking any rationale that makes your husband’s conduct acceptable.

But I kind of felt like I rationalized, "well this way, his feelings don't get hurt and he doesn't come to me asking questions based on his wrong interpretation, and I still get to vent my frustrations and get the input I'm looking for and need.

Posters often say things like ‘my head is a mess’, and I’ve never truly understood the sentiment until this post. Your thinking makes no sense, OP. Your thoughts/rationale/logic are literally jumbled, at this point. I’m not saying this to be unkind, just to point out that this is what living with someone who constantly gaslights and dismisses you has done to you.

Not at all respectful, which I told him and his mother, and explained that I have never said anything disrespectful during an argument nor anything else I might regret later, NOR anything to intentionally hurt another person's feelings. The excuse I got? "Well, some people just have more self control than others," and "when some people reach their limit, they say things they don't mean in the heat of the moment," which i again said was BS.

I don't even curse, so if I'm cursing during an argument, every word/curse I'm saying is very intentional, and the curses only add to how serious I am about whatever I'm saying.

So, he gets to insult and disrespect you because he lacks self control? Handy for him, no? But, you’re expected to pussyfoot round his feelings and obey his edicts.

Again: Are you going to tell your therapist that when you talk to them ‘if he's around, I do have to either quickly change subjects or whatever else to avoid him trying to gaslight my perspective of things’? Are you going to honestly give them all the information about your relationship and tell them you have previously felt the need to conceal things in sessions out of fear of his reaction/the repercussions?

Thank you for your input, especially your last line of "this is what living with someone who constantly gaslights and dismisses you has done to you."

Again, I will be bringing up these concerns with my own personal therapist. Should I bring them up with our couple's therapist?

This ^ is a very good summary.

He is 100% gaslighting you in all this.
As regards accusations of unfaithfulness, he may well be projecting this onto you because of HIS history with relationships. Projecting like this often stops people from thinking clearly.

He is 100% controlling you, as YOU are a nice person, a passive nice person.
You’re showing that you doubt yourself here on MN. Again and again.
Please DO NOT doubt your thoughts and your feelings.

He’s insulting you and he’s enjoying messing with your head. He is 100% wanting full control of you.

Your choice…

Sorry, I meant to answer your question. I normally just tell her I need to find a more private location (he kind of gets an attitude when I leave him alone with both the kids - which he says is due to him occasionally being stressed out) because i don't want someone to hear me and try to rebut/gaslight/misconstrue whatever I'm saying to her. I will give her all of the information about our relationship, I do try to give most of it if applicable. Sometimes there's just too much and too little time, OR so much that I forget one topic for another.

I told him it doesn't make sense someone younger than him AND younger than HALF his mom's age has more self control than either of them.

tried to tell me that I don't need to air out all of his and his family's business

The thing is, @ConfusedAdult2001 , the second those issues with him or his family impact you, they become your business. You can discuss your business with whomever you damned well please. He doesn’t get a vote.

The more you post the more controlling and unhealthy your relationship sounds.

I have never gone through my partner’s phone in over 30 years. He has never gone through mine. Neither of us has tried to stop the other discussing problems our problems with friends, family or a therapist.

If you can’t talk to other people about his behaviour, you can’t see how skewed and wrong it is. You’re the boiled frog.

So, you're not allowed to speak to anyone about your personal life with your husband, but you say:

'Again, I never saw it as abuse. I saw it as me trying to hide something from him, which I've been told by him and apparently his friends that seem to think I'm also in the wrong, means I have something to hide'.

Which indicates clearly that HE talks to HIS friends, but you're not allowed the same rights! OP, you really aren't seeing things clearly.

With regard to your question about raising what this thread has told you, with your therapist, I would recommend that you definitely talk to your personal therapist about it, and would suggest that you forget couples counselling altogether, as staying with this controlling man, will mean that you live a life of misery. He's already manipulated you to the point where you can't see how bad this relationship is for you, please talk to your therapist, and start thinking about how you can get away from him.

HE IS NOT A GOOD MAN!!

OP, this is awful and really scary. Your DH is dripping with red flags and double standards and he's a bully. There is nothing normal about going through a partner's phone, much less demanding the right to do so. Nor is it normal to demand a veto over what a partner says to other people; in fact, if you want to see what a control freak looks like, there you are; someone who thinks they can control what you say to family members, therapists etc.

I've been with my DH for 40 years. We don't go through each other's phones and our reasons for it would fill a paragraph in their own right, but it mainly comes down to our sense that that sort of intrusiveness is the antithesis of love and mutual respect. Plus, it would almost certainly be very boring. . .

In my house we have a complete open phones policy so my perspective is maybe slightly different to some of the others here. For me, if I were your husband I suppose I’d find it the change from allowing access to not allowing access something that needed to be discussed before just doing it. But I can also see why you’ve done it. Im older and have been married a very long time though- Perhaps younger couples expect more privacy in phones than we have agreed in our marriage. I often flick through my husbands messages because my kids often send him different pictures than they send me and I want to see them. He does the same with mine. Also we use whoever’s phone is closest to look things up etc.

And honestly, if I found my husband writing negatively about me and my family to his mother, say, I’d probably feel it was a bit of a betrayal. Of course I couldn’t stop him, but I wouldn’t be happy he was doing that if he hadn’t also raised it with me. Having said that I’d almost certainly moan to my sister about my husband so…

What I’m trying to say is that I can see both sides here- I don’t think it’s as clear cut as some others are suggesting.