AIBU to change ny phone password?

[ConfusedAdult2001]

I vented to my sister about something my husband and his family did/said that frustrated me. My husband looked through my phone, saw me vent my frustrations to her, and then asked if I thought he and his family were a joke to me. I said no, because they're not, but I was frustrated with them (his family said untrue things about me to my husband, and my husband acts like he doesn't know who to believe because they're both telling him the same lie).

I was frustrated about being lied on, and then even more frustrated that despite him "letting it go", he wasn't understanding that i was upset that they thought it was okay to lie on me. So I vented to my sister about my frustrations.

He read my vent, got upset at me for venting to my sister the way I did (I did not verbally disrespect him or his family at all, just stated the facts of the situation and how I felt), and afterwards, I changed my password because I felt if he's going to get upset about me venting my frustrations to a trusted individual and family member, but doesn't want me to vent them to a friend or even my therapist, but also doesn't actually listen/understand when I try to broach the topic with him, I can't just hold it in.

AITA for changing my phone password to keep my husband from getting upset about me venting to my sister?

I might be TA because I didn't tell him I was going to change my password, and granted, it does look sketchy as one's partner, but I just couldn't keep being gaslit into thinking my perspective/frustration is wrongly placed, and having an outsider perspective helps some

He doesn't want me talking to anytrusted friend about any relationship issues we have, he doesn't want me talking to my therapist about our issues because he's not there to "defend himself", but now he's telling me I can't even discuss issues with my sister. And the issues that resurface time and time again leave my mind during couple's therapy, but they need to be discussed so at least I can move past things. I just wanted to be able to vent my frustrations to someone with a listening ear who actually understands why I'm truly frustrated in the first place, without making me sound like I'm crazy.

Thank you, but I don't really mind being the default parent, I actually love it - it shows how secure and comfortable my kids feel with me.

I just dislike how ignorant and unaware it makes my DH, and how dependent it makes him on me.

He'll ask me if I can pick up his favorite food when I'm in the area of his favorite food spot when I have both kids. Here's the thing, he's never had to do it, so he doesn't know how hard it is to do so when I'm pushing a stroller, holding a toddler's hand, AND trying to hold his entire food/drink order. After that, I just started saying no because I couldn't do it anymore.

And even with me explaining how hard it is, he still doesn't get it and tries to tell me how to do it "successfully", despite never having done it himself.

When you explain how hard it is to pick up his food requirements with the children in tow, and 'he still doesn't get it and tries to tell me how to do it "successfully", despite never having done it himself'. Why don't you say, well if it's that easy, you can the children with you next time, and get it yourself, and make sure that he does.

You need to either MAKE this man listen and take onboard what you tell him, or give serious thought to ending this abusive relationship OP. Oh, and just because it appears that he's started to take action after the joint counselling, it doesn't mean that it will last, so ask yourself in a month's time, whether things have actually improved, or whether they've started to slip. Then ask yourself again in 3 months, and 6 months. Put these dates in your diary as a reminder. If it's worked then that's WONDERFUL, but I will be very surprised, but happy for you, if he manages to maintain it long term.

With regard to his family lying to him about you, have you ever actually challenged THEM about it? If not, why not?

I haven't directly told him the way you suggest, only because I know he won't, especially since it requires him to go over an hour away from where we live.

I did something like that in a similar situation, where i just gave him one of the kids so I could go do something because I "can deal with them on my own, but now I'm choosing not to". I reiterated something he said to me the night prior when I asked him to make the toddler sleep while I showered, but then he brought me the baby. In that situation, however, he basically through a fit because he was in the middle of a game (despite me placing a clean, changed, calm, fed baby in her bassinet), and he "needed" some time before he could watch either of them. That was the first time he told me I was "acting like a b*" and told me "no, f** you". (Again, I have NEVER swore or name called him in the history of our relationship together, or even knowing each other.)

I have challenged them on it in FRONT of DH, and his excuse to this day is, "it was probably sarcasm". When his mom/sister use sarcasm, I very literally can not tell because their tone of voice is so flat it sounds like they're stating a fact. They told me it's considered babysitting if the kids want to spend time with them for a little bit, they agree, and I walk off to tend to something I would've been doing with the kids anyway (say, getting pajamas for the kids). I asked SIL if they were serious, she said "yeah", I asked her to elaborate, she did, and then I wrote it down in my notebook, and then began keeping the kids with me outside of my working hours. His mom then told DH I was keeping the kids away from her, to which I recanted the conversation from the night prior. SIL told everyone they were just "joking". Despite the fact that i asked if they were serious and she told me "yeah" and then elaborated. I explained this, and both SIL and MIL convinced DH they were just joking, which he still believes to this day.

@ConfusedAdult2001 why the hell do you need a notebook for them and you to write things down in?? or have I missed something here??? you really need to get a grip and consider kicking this "D" p into touch. therapy is not ever going to help him, especially when it comes to enmeshment with his family!! he is supposed to be all on your side, not his mothers and his sisters! stay away from them!

This is another "yes but" thread.

So, i was already writing in a notebook when they were talking to me about everything, I just took the same notebook and wrote down exactly what I was told, kind of like a side note, so that if they say they never said it, I wrote it down word for word so I could let them know exactly what they told me and when. Particularly because everyone always wants to say they never said something, or that's not what they meant.