AIBU to change ny phone password?

[ConfusedAdult2001]

I vented to my sister about something my husband and his family did/said that frustrated me. My husband looked through my phone, saw me vent my frustrations to her, and then asked if I thought he and his family were a joke to me. I said no, because they're not, but I was frustrated with them (his family said untrue things about me to my husband, and my husband acts like he doesn't know who to believe because they're both telling him the same lie).

I was frustrated about being lied on, and then even more frustrated that despite him "letting it go", he wasn't understanding that i was upset that they thought it was okay to lie on me. So I vented to my sister about my frustrations.

He read my vent, got upset at me for venting to my sister the way I did (I did not verbally disrespect him or his family at all, just stated the facts of the situation and how I felt), and afterwards, I changed my password because I felt if he's going to get upset about me venting my frustrations to a trusted individual and family member, but doesn't want me to vent them to a friend or even my therapist, but also doesn't actually listen/understand when I try to broach the topic with him, I can't just hold it in.

AITA for changing my phone password to keep my husband from getting upset about me venting to my sister?

I might be TA because I didn't tell him I was going to change my password, and granted, it does look sketchy as one's partner, but I just couldn't keep being gaslit into thinking my perspective/frustration is wrongly placed, and having an outsider perspective helps some

He doesn't want me talking to anytrusted friend about any relationship issues we have, he doesn't want me talking to my therapist about our issues because he's not there to "defend himself", but now he's telling me I can't even discuss issues with my sister. And the issues that resurface time and time again leave my mind during couple's therapy, but they need to be discussed so at least I can move past things. I just wanted to be able to vent my frustrations to someone with a listening ear who actually understands why I'm truly frustrated in the first place, without making me sound like I'm crazy.

He's very controlling and it usually gets worse. You can say what you like to who you like. My ex used to complain about me talking to people/messaging people. It got to the point I'd switch my phone off when I was with him to reduce issues. You then realise they are the issue and one with issues.
Looking through your phone is a huge red flag.

He's trying to isolate you, GTFO, ASAFP!!

To be honest it’s not your phone password that needs changing……

You should be able to talk to whoever you want. He does not owe you or have control over you. I'm sure your therapist would agree. Sounds like he is control real freak or even have narcissistic tendency. I'm guessing you have a few issues with him. X

Write your issues down so you don't forget them in couples therapy.
Then you can discuss them with him there to "defend himself" but really he should be defending you against his lying family or ask them to prove what they are saying in front of you.

get out now.

Behaviour is a language. Forget what he says about himself and you for just a moment.

"watching everything I say/do" his behaviour is causing you to walk on eggshells
He doesn't have your back when his parents are disrespectful and lie about you
He diverts your therapy, and controls it
He's making you edit yourself to therapist, friends, and family which is isolating you
He then tells you your wrong about how you think and feel and gaslights you commonly
He manipulates you by calling you irrational, "a butch", aggressive, looking for a fight, when you're raising an need from him or an emotional.
He weaponising his emotions to put you back in his place.
He disrespects your privacy.
(Random list of things in all your updates paraphrased).

Read it again and again. Is this not abusive? Is this not unsafe for you? This is his behaviour. Trust the behaviour not what he said a, because however he protests he's not insecure or controlling, his behaviour is showing you something different and doesn't match his words do they? He's severely controlling, he's severely insecure and he's trying to isolate you for all supporting by mandating silence. I'm 6 years recovering from this exact type of relationship I still overthink, over feel and over question everything but I can clearly feel, and I feel really sorry for you that this is your daily experience. It's even more scary with 2 DC but is this the example you want to show your DC of what a relationship looks like? This behaviour will be damaging if they see it and raised as normal and worse it can either turn on them too or get them to do it two you in time. Please read that list again.
A domestic abuse charity, can help you.

You really need to go somewhere safe for your therapy where you can't be overheard. Please go for a walk or remove yourself (in your car?) You need to be completely honest. If it's safe to do so, Screenshot this list and send it to your therapist and then delete the sent, it if you need to give a prompt.

I would also be looking up the freedom project/living with a dominator.

Thinks can get better, you just need you be really brave, but it can be ok with time and therapy. It'll take a while to not question yourself and minimise yourself as that's what you've been trained to do. Pick someone safe and in person vent so there's no digital trail of that's possible. You need safety and a plan and to create a support system.

Again, things can change when your ready, one step at a time.

What kind of narc did you marry?

I've only ever seen my OH's conversations with their friends on their phone because they wanted to show me something someone had said.

Before smartphones no-one would ever imagine recording their OH's phone conversations, or chats with friends over coffee, so why is there an expectation for some people that they can read through private conversations on someone's phone?

You talk to who you want for support, anyone stands in the way it's controlling behaviour

So let me get this straight, he has told you you can’t speak to your family, friends or therapist about him and any issues as he can’t defence himself

then you posted
I've been told by him and apparently his friends that seem to think I'm also in the wrong, means I have something to hide

How do his friends think you are in the wrong? How do they know what’s going on and what you have done? Is it because HE has told them?

so basically you can’t vent to anyone but he can?

he is abusive and controlling end of discussion

You have used the word disrespectful OP.
In what other ways does he demand respect?
Is there another culture here that does not treat man & women as equals?

You are living with coercive control which is a crime.

Telling you whom and what you can speak to is highly controlling abusive coercive control.

A crime.
Contact Women's aid for advice and support.

Op, I'm joining the chorus of "this is abuse". But I want to add to this. Because if these things are happening - trying to control what you say to people, even in private, refusing to allow you to have private therapy sessions etc, accusing you of cheating and requiring constant "proof" that you are not... I 100% guarantee there are a LOT more abusive behaviours that you might not even notice yet.

it could be things like you not being able to have friendships outside of your relationship - either because he doesn't like your friends (especially men, obviously) or because he doesn't like you going out with people without him or because he (claims that he) can't look after the DC alone etc.

It could be that there's a financial aspect - this can present in a million different ways but common examples are him refusing to contribute tot he cost of kids, him paying for assets like mortgages and cars while you pay for consumables and bills like food and gas. Could be insistin gon 50/50 even though you earn significantly less. Could be that you have no visibility of family money or his money. Could be that you are not "allowed" to spend on discretionary items without his approval (eg he complains if you pay for a coffee whiel out, buy new shoes, or make a decision about a new kettle).

It could be that you don't feel you can say or do the things you want to because he will get upset (because he doesn't want to be alone, because he doesn't trust you, because it proves you don't love him or whatever excuse) - eg go to the gym, watch a particular show on tv, ask him where he went for lunch etc.

It could be that it impacts your work - you can't ever stay 5 minutes late as he'll kick off. You can't go to work events or drinks. If you email/text/call a male colleague there's an issue. If you laugh during work calls it's an issue.

It could be that he tries to separate you from your family - making family events difficult and/or embarassing for you, being rude to your family, making you look rude to your family, coming up with reasons why you can't do things.

You should arrange a session with your counsellor on a day you know that you can 100% be away from him and tell her this. Or email her in advance if you feel you can't speak or that you're not allowed time to have therapy in private. If you ever go into work in person and you have a sympathetic boss, ask if you can take an hour for a session in a private room.

Why did you have to go back to work so early after having your first DD? No wonder you had PPD and PPA after having to leave your 3 month old DD and then having your DH accuse you of cheating.

He is trying to cut you off from all your avenues of support, i.e. your sister and other family members, your therapist.

He lets his family lie about you without challenging them and supporting you. You have every right to change your phone password.

He sounds really controlling. Be careful.

You are entitled to complete privacy when talking to your therapist. Your DH is either so useless that he can't be left alone with both his children for the duration of your therapy session or it's just an excuse so that he can listen to your conversations with your therapist which will affect how honest and open you can be with her. I assume that if you criticised his behaviour when talking to your therapist, he would be pretty pissed off with you after the session.

To be honest, I wouldn't be surprised if he was both useless with his kids and using that as an excuse to eavesdrop on your session.

I have immense compassion for your circumstances - You seem like such an extremely sincere soul & endearingly empathetic towards his feelings
More so than it seems he deserves
I do feel the problem is with him & he's in denial of being insecure
Most likely due to his pride
But he's being immensely unfair to you
You Most Surely Deserve Better & Much More Respect
Snooping & disrespecting your privacy is horrendously wrong
It seems he's treating you like a Child whom needs protecting but at the same time, invalidating your feelings which you're more than entitled to have
He seems to value his family more than you 😢You've every single right to speak to your counsellor, sister & friends about whatever you wish too
Wishing you all the utmost best

Communication is part of being human, you confiding in trusted ppl is a good thing because you get heard and get others perspectives. You're partner doesn't like it properly because he knows that he/his family are in the wrong. He is being controlling and you are making excuses for him. If it was the other way round but you hadn't done anything wrong you would not mind him telling ppl.
Keep confiding it is important you have support he sounds like a k**b.

My DP would have no idea if I changed my password, because she has no idea what my password is, just as I have no idea what hers is. And neither of us would ever go hunting through each others phones anyway.

Phones are private, we use them these days as an extension of our brains. And you can be damn sure I've got secrets on there that I don't want DP seeing. From something as benign as her birthday present, to conversations with my best friend about his divorce and thoughts of committing suicide.

I never understand the people who say "Oh we have no secrets from each other." Bollocks. Everyone has secrets from each other, from a sneaky chocolate bar on the way home because you didn't want to share, to big embarrassing moments in your past that you never want to relive, let alone tell the person you love.

Noone should have to tell their partner everything, and I feel that anyone that thinks their partner should tell them everything is at best controlling, and at worst abusive.

It's not a good idea to be in counselling with an abuser.

I went through this for 14 long years. I have just filed for divorce. Every accusation from my ex was a confession , I was always accused of cheating he slept with someone the night before our wedding and has been sleeping with a female friend for 3 years..
Please try to get out . It only gets worse. I would look for any rational reason to defend what he was doing and I look back at the excuses I made and just think 'you twat".
Don't have couples counselling, just have your own counsellor and do not discuss anything that you say with him.
It wasn't that I was blinded by love he had just worn me down so much I couldn't see a way out.
Put you and your children first and leave . Your children don't need to see this a blueprint for a relationship. I feel terrible that I have let mine see this.
If your friend came to you saying this was what they were going through what would you honestly say ? We need to take our own advice sometimes. No matter how hard it is.

So he's trying to get you to distance yourself from those you trust. It's called controlling behaviour. I'd change your husband.

It’s quite devastating seeing a poster being roundly abused by her cunt of a partner, and her really struggling to see it. Or accept it. And justifying his abuse against her.

I just want to thank you all for the insight, input, and concern about me, my kids, and my overall relationship.

I do understand now that there is some manipulation and gaslighting going on, maybe even some abuse. I think it was just a lot to take in, especially when i initially came on here wondering whether or not I was acting irrationally for abruptly changing my phone password after he read a message between my sister and I he didn't like.

I spoke to my own therapist about everything that was said here, and she agreed that maybe it was just a lot to take in, and that I should probably consider my other options before coming to a decision on my own on whether to continue or end the relationship (because she can't directly tell me to end it). But she definitely agreed with a lot of the things that were said in this thread.

I will admit that I might actually be really passive, kind, but very passive due to being afraid of hurting someone's feelings, especially unintentionally. My passive nature is what I think has caused me to allow him AND his mom/sister to treat and talk to me the way they have, which has definitely come to a head in the last couple of months to the point of me having not spoken full conversations to his family this entire time.

I promise I'm not dull or an idiot, I was just trying to give people the benefit of the doubt and grace to see if things improve, and some things have improved with the help of a couple's therapist, but clearly some things don't change, and people don't always change, and if so, not always for the better.

We have couples therapy scheduled tonight, so it's kind of too late to cancel it, so we'll go. I am looking into contacting a lawyer to discuss possible custody arrangements for our two kids.

Telling you who you can talk to, potentially separating you from family and minimising your concerns are at best involved, at worst controlling. Hope he doesn't find out about this post as hell