AIBU to change ny phone password?

[ConfusedAdult2001]

I vented to my sister about something my husband and his family did/said that frustrated me. My husband looked through my phone, saw me vent my frustrations to her, and then asked if I thought he and his family were a joke to me. I said no, because they're not, but I was frustrated with them (his family said untrue things about me to my husband, and my husband acts like he doesn't know who to believe because they're both telling him the same lie).

I was frustrated about being lied on, and then even more frustrated that despite him "letting it go", he wasn't understanding that i was upset that they thought it was okay to lie on me. So I vented to my sister about my frustrations.

He read my vent, got upset at me for venting to my sister the way I did (I did not verbally disrespect him or his family at all, just stated the facts of the situation and how I felt), and afterwards, I changed my password because I felt if he's going to get upset about me venting my frustrations to a trusted individual and family member, but doesn't want me to vent them to a friend or even my therapist, but also doesn't actually listen/understand when I try to broach the topic with him, I can't just hold it in.

AITA for changing my phone password to keep my husband from getting upset about me venting to my sister?

I might be TA because I didn't tell him I was going to change my password, and granted, it does look sketchy as one's partner, but I just couldn't keep being gaslit into thinking my perspective/frustration is wrongly placed, and having an outsider perspective helps some

He doesn't want me talking to anytrusted friend about any relationship issues we have, he doesn't want me talking to my therapist about our issues because he's not there to "defend himself", but now he's telling me I can't even discuss issues with my sister. And the issues that resurface time and time again leave my mind during couple's therapy, but they need to be discussed so at least I can move past things. I just wanted to be able to vent my frustrations to someone with a listening ear who actually understands why I'm truly frustrated in the first place, without making me sound like I'm crazy.

OP, I am SO pleased that you appear to have finally seen sense about what your 'H' is doing to you. I'm also pleased that you talked to your therapist, who appears to have agreed with what we've all been trying to tell you. Please go ahead and get whatever advice you need from a solicitor, so that you know what you're entitled to, and DON'T tell your DH that you've seen anyone about it. You need to get yourself fully organised and ready to leave, with, as MN puts it, 'all your ducks in a row', before you tell him your plans for the future, which I very much hope will NOT include him and his family, who are clearly toxic to you.

Remember to keep coming back to MN, especially when you're feeling a bit overwhelmed, and need reassurance about your next steps. We're all here for you, and unlike your 'H', have your best interests in mind.

Tell your husband that the issue isn't that you've needed to vent to a friend, the issue is that he is so used to his family's crappy behaviour that he's not advocating for you. I would suggest counselling (offer to source the therapist and find someone who specialises in toxic family dynamics with families of origin) OR get a new husband. Life is too short to spend it being treated badly by his family.

I have tried explaining this to him, even tried giving him examples/situations where his family has acted out toxic behaviors, pointing out the patterns to him, and it's like he heard it, like I could almost literally see the light spark in his head, it just wouldn't turn on, because again, he kind of just said that he just ignores them (primarily his mom) because he's not really going to listen to her anyway.

Your mistake is to assume that he is rational and can be swayed with rational arguments. He is controlling. this means that he is either unwilling to listen/agree to anything you say because he doesn't care or that his thinking is disordered because he genuinely thinks his approach is reasonable.

You have to stop thinking that you can have a rational, equal discussion with him about this. I'm sorry, but you do.

How did the couples counselling go? Did you say anything in that session about how he's telling you what you're allowed to talk about?

That's the thing - I think HE'S convinced his thoughts/perspective are rational, and in turn tries to convince me they are. My fault was trying to make him feel heard, but I guess the way I was doing so only further convinced him he's right about all these serious matters, when he's truly not. And maybe that's one reason why I started really second guessing our relationship after our first daughter, particularly after my previous therapist told me that maybe this is the end of the relationship.

I have previously asked myself, "is this something I want my daughters to think is acceptable treatment/behavior from a loved one or a partner?", and "how would he feel of our daughters were being treated by their partners the same way?" It's like I have my moments of clarity(?), but still try to defend him because he's convinced me I never defend him and just "shit talk" him and his family.

Couple's therapy went okay, outside of the fact that we agree that the therapist's advice doesn't help too much anymore when it comes to empathetic understanding. Like, just because DH has dismissed something, doesn't mean that the feelings that were caused don't have actual validity, so we did decide to look into other couple's therapists to see if we can get one that will help him be more empathetic, understanding, but also... sane?

We didn't get to that part ONLY because there was so much else to focus on and very much so not enough time.

They do believe it though, they believe that their warped narrative is utter truth and will die on that hill, it's really insidious harmful and there is no changing that. And they will often only do therapy performatively for short spells, but they won't keep it up and won't actually change because fundamentally they don't believe they are wrong. Lovely, you can't teach someone to be empathetic and it's certainly not going to be done by a couples therapist he needs intensive solo behaviour modification which could take years, if not a lifetime and do you really believe he's going to commit to that or actually change?
None of this is your fault, you're doing enough, we've tried. He's the one failing you not the other way around.

@ConfusedAdult2001 "he kind of gets an attitude when I leave him alone with both the kids - which he says is due to him occasionally being stressed out"

Why has no one picked up on this? He avoids looking after the kids on his own?

In the course of my life, one thing that I have found is that people who are obsessed with being respected, who demand it, are very very rarely worthy of it.

Respect is earned and deserved, not demanded and enforced.

remember that next time he’s banging on about you respecting him and his Family.

As I said previously OP I really don't think that there is anything to be gained by couples counselling now. Your own therapist has agreed that the things we've pointed out to you about him being controlling, etc., is correct, and it is not recommended that couples in abusive relationships attend joint therapy. Try reading this:

https://www.thehotline.org/resources/should-i-go-to-couples-therapy-with-my-abusive-partner/

I don't know if he just prefers not to be 100% alone with them without possible help, if he feels insecure or incapable of caring for the kids on his own, or simply just because he doesn't want to "struggle" with them and not be able to do whatever he wants to do. He loves them and they love him, I just think that if the baby starts crying, he doesn't know what to do, and at some point he's going to want a "break" to do whatever he wants outside of their crying/tantrums/etc.

Him and his family went to a funeral today and he offered to look after the kids for 1-2hrs while I go do something for myself outside of caring for them and cleaning around the house, which he didn't really do before therapy (couples and individual), despite basically demanding his own personal time to do whatever he chooses (because it definitely felt like he was demanding the time he "needed" after work and the whole day Saturday - has since changed to no alone time until after both kids are settled).

Would this be an example?:

Today, I was with the kids majority of the day until roughly 3pm; he and his family went to a funeral. He offered to be with the kids for 1-2hrs while I did whatever i wanted/needed.

Came home 2hrs later, baby was asleep, toddler running around bright-eyed and bushy tailed. Me and her had snacks, I pumped, DH came to help her go potty and brush teeth while I pumped. Baby woke up, sports game starts, I ask if I can leave baby with him while I make toddler sleep, he says no, but also doesn't want to make toddler sleep because he doesn't want to miss the game.

I tell him he can hold calm baby and watch the game while I make toddler sleep.

He basically (indirectly) said he'd rather watch the game child-free, so he'd rather make toddler sleep in 5mins than hold/cater to baby the entire game duration.

He asked if I'd take baby after toddler sleeps, tried to convince me we discussed this (I have no recollection of this), told me i could've asked him to make toddler sleep earlier so I could take baby and he could watch game in peace.

I just agreed to take baby after toddler sleeps because I didn't want to put up with his attitude and annoyance anymore, but now he's basically sulking about the current situation, despite me having agreed to getting baby after toddler sleeps.

He's a grown man who should be capable of looking after two children on his own. Or holding/keeping an eye on a calm baby whilst watching tv.

And if he can't he can learn to, like we all do. So he needs to be left with them more often.

What were you doing in those two hours? I hope it was something pleasurable rather than shopping or chores?

Ok, I get that his time is his sports but when he'd already been out for a funeral this night he needed to step up
If I were you I'd develop an interest in a sport and take that time back equally because what is good for the goose is good for the gander you should also have equal uninterrupted time for your interest "sport".

I went and walked around the mall, picked up a few gifts for a birthday party me and the kids are going to this weekend (I invited him, he doesn't want to come, which is fine because your partner doesn't always have to accompany you somewhere, but it'd be nice for him to attend events with us at least occasionally).

So, in the time it took me to make the toddler sleep, the baby was crying. He tried to say that each time he cheered for his team (which is relatively loud), thr baby would start crying, so he tried to say that having the baby while he watched the game would only interrupt his game because she would start crying each time. I told him it's the same when I go to my doctors' appointments, only real difference is, there's not a whole bunch of random loud noise and instead, she wants me to hold/nurse her, ON TOP of the toddler ripping and running around. So i normally have to pause my appointments, which cause them to take longer, because both kids need my attention (no one is able to watch the kids during my appointments).

He tried to say it's not the same 🙃.

He claims he can't watch them while he eats or watches a game because they tend to interrupt whatever he's trying to do, which i explained happens with everyone who's watching the kids.

Again, I never saw it as abuse. I saw it as me trying to hide something from him, which I've been told by him and apparently his friends that seem to think I'm also in the wrong, means I have something to hide.

So he can "vent" to his friends, then, to get their opinions - it's only you that is disrespectful by doing so?

He claims he can't watch them while he eats or watches a game because they tend to interrupt whatever he's trying to do, which i explained happens with everyone who's watching the kids.

I love sport. I've had to watch pretty much every football game and MotoGP race and anything else in the last 3 years with a baby, toddler or both with me. That's parenthood. Of course they tend to interrupt what he's trying to do...

He's an awful, pretty abusive husband to you; and a half-hearted Dad to his kids.

I did initially have some empathy for him when you said you were taking 20 minutes to sit by yourself after work, and he didn't know and was concerned you were cheating - I think if the situation was reversed, people may suggest that is pretty unreasonable of him, generally - but even if there's an understandable grain of reasonableness for his behaviour then, it does not excuse how controlling and dysfunctional this relationship has now become.

I've tried, but my interests mainly happen to be at home, so if I'm home and hear the girls crying/fussing/needing something, I can't sit and do whatever I want unbothered, like I can't just ignore them, so I have to see what's wrong with them, especially if they're like breaking down crying.

I try to just leave the house whenever I get uninterrupted time alone. That way, none of that bothers me, and I can actually enjoy my time alone. I normally just like to have uninterrupted time to think or write in a notebook, just so I can gather/collect/align my thoughts.

I also get that his time is his sports, or whatever else he can only do without the kids with him, however, it help more if he was more aware of these things and not just so ignorant to certain things?

He coaches basketball 2x/wk, so 1-2x/wk, I'm home alone with the kids all day, or i work and then have the kids alone until long past their bedtime ALONE. Again, it doesn't really bother me, I know how to be with them both alone and still get stuff done around the house whilst also meeting their needs.

But by the time he comes home, the kids are either fast asleep or on their way to sleep. And what is he doing after that? Playing the game, or eating alone, meanwhile, I haven't even had the chance to shower yet, but we can't just swap places either because I'm trapped holding/cuddling the kids until they're down for the night.

I'm sorry your the default parent. It's really tough. Keep trying to carve out time for you.

OP, did you read my last post? Did you look at the article I pointed you to? I'd be VERY interested to hear your response to it.

https://www.thehotline.org/resources/should-i-go-to-couples-therapy-with-my-abusive-partner/

This does not sound like a happy marriage, time to leave.

I don't know how he's rationalized it making sense in his head, but it's easier not trying to rationalize it on my own and to just agree with him and move on.

I also understood this being parenthood as well, hence why i normally don't complain. I don't complain about the things that come along with parents, it's about the fact that it feels like I'm on my own despite "not" actually being a single parent.

I'm not trying to justify me taking 20mins after work at all, but I was only doing it because I got no time to myself at all. He works Mon-Fri 9-5, and coaches basketball 2x/wk, often not coming back home until either 7:30/8pm after practice, and not until after 9pm from a game. At that time, he was still saying how he needed basically all day Saturday to "decompress" after working 5 days straight, so he would basically play video games all day on Saturdays, or just do whatever he wants for himself, while I had the toddler the whole time by myself.

At that time, i was working full time, but i would also care for the toddler before going to work, go to work, and then come back home and have a baby thrust into my arms before even fully stepping through the front door, and seemingly no one was able to tell me the last time she ate/got changed/if she bathed/etc.

So instead of asking and being denied 20mins to gather my thoughts, I worked it into my day right after getting off work, because I wasn't going to get it by simply asking.

I forgot to mention, he was also asking for 1hr a day after work to decompress, but that "1hr" was often 3-5hrs after he got home from work.

Do you think all the people telling you it's abuse are wrong?

So, i did, and it's weird because I hear what everyone here is saying, and I heard what my own therapist said about him being manipulative/controlling/abusive, but it's weird because after couple's and individual therapy, he started helping with the kids more, being more receptive to me telling him I might be overstimulated or need a break just to shower or meet my own needs.

So I feel like therapy helped with helping him to be more aware and understanding/compassionate to situations and how to reciprocate the way he's expecting/wanting to be treated. It just hasn't helped him to understand how something is going to affect someone else's emotions.

For example, I told him his mom/sister are lying on me. He told me to ignore it because he "got over it" and just ignores what they're saying. I told him it's not about whether or not I can ignore it, it's about the fact that they think it's okay to KEEP lying on me to him and have him come to me asking questions each and every time.

Again, he tells me he understands what I'm saying, but it's not a problem to him because he got over it. I tried explaining that it's not about getting over it, it's about the fact that they think it's okay to lie on me, which, without corrective action, will continue to happen, which means I'm just supposed to forever ignore them?

So therapy has helped him be more hands on and helpful with the kids so I can also get a break occasionally, but it doesn't help him to understand why something might bother me on a deeper emotional level.

I know my partner's phone password and she knows mine (in case of an emergency situation) but it wouldn't occur to me to look at her phone under normal circumstances and I doubt very much she'd look at mine.

I find it remarkable how many times we gear on MN that one or other partner glhas done this.

I don't think people are wrong about it being abuse, I just think it's a hard accusation to accept so quickly only because i never saw it as such. I saw things as unfair/unequal/illogical/ignorant - literally any other word to describe his "logic" that i clearly didn't understand, but abuse is never a word that even crossed my mind.