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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School uniform, would I be unreasonable to do this?

103 replies

FlowerP0w3r · 05/01/2025 22:39

DD is 7, primary school.
Been in family court for years with her dad and he's finally getting overnights, including midweek.

It will be a big change for DD and not sure how she'll adapt to going from a 5 minute walk to school to a 50 minute drive.. but guess I'll let it happen.

My question is, her dad is an abuser and I have extremely minimal contact with him via a parenting app. He believes providing school uniform is my responsibility and isn't willing to purchase school uniform. So therefore I'm in a position that if I don't send uniform on his overnights that DD will be left without uniform which of course I would never do to her, ever.

My concern is, her father is incredibly vindictive and uniform is going to get "lost". Her uniform is very expensive in particular the outerwear which is embroidered.

I noticed a few children do just wear plain outerwear from George or Tu.

Wibu to send DD to school in just a plain cardigan from Asda or Sainsbury's? I doubt DD would care much, I know her dad won't buy or indeed wash her uniform either whereas I have always sent her in with fresh school uniform every single day.

I don't want to die on this hill but I'm not willing for him to purposely keep or "lose" expensive school uniform so just wondering if this is an acceptable compromise? I've spoken to school about it in the past and they would support my approach as its a situation they are common with.

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
QuestionableMouse · 05/01/2025 22:41

It's fine.

pinksquash13 · 05/01/2025 22:43

Yes absolutely fine. Often that kind of generic uniform is sold in charity shops or on vinted too.

Prickofpredictability · 05/01/2025 22:44

Definitely get the Asda/Tu versions.
And just wanted to say I feel for you having to deal with such a rubbish ex as I know from experience it's just miserable isn't it.

Imnotarestaurant · 05/01/2025 22:45

Put her in the unbranded uniform

DandyTealSeal · 05/01/2025 22:45

Do the school not sell second hand labelled uniform? Ours does.

OzCalling · 05/01/2025 22:46

I wouldn’t be sending DD with uniform full
stop - if he wants to have her on school night then he can bloody well buy it! I thought my ex was a CF but oh my goodness OP, he sounds wild

JimHalpertsWife · 05/01/2025 22:47

Is he picking her up from school on his night? If so she can re wear the same uniform the next day, and take undies/pjs in a bag if he refuses to buy those.

LadySnoresMuchly · 05/01/2025 22:48

Most primary schools are swimming in extra uniform.

dinmin · 05/01/2025 22:49

Why would you not if it’s allowed and common and she wouldn’t care?
if for some reason you don’t want to, could you have a word with her teacher and ask if she can change into a “home” jumped under her coat before leaving school on those days and Leah’s her school one at school? If she doesn’t want to be singled out, teacher might keep her a couple of mins to do a “job”?

LadySnoresMuchly · 05/01/2025 22:49

Posted too soon. You might be able to get some second hand. It is of course fine to have none branded uniform lm

Original poster
FlowerP0w3r · 05/01/2025 22:51

Nope he simply won't buy it. He is the kind of dad that takes no actual interest in her, her activities, her interests, how well she's doing in school, he refuses to take her to parties or any activity she might be involved in on his weekend.. which of course is his right but just makes me feel sad for DD is all.

I don't want her caught up in any of it so i know he knows if I don't send her with uniform then it'll look like it's on me.

He's a textbook narcissist and at the moment after nearly losing DD to him for shared residence I just have to comply and wait for DD to vote with her feet (not that I want her to but I feel its the path it'll go down)

OP posts:
fashionqueen0123 · 05/01/2025 22:51

I would have him get the uniform incase her first set she’s wearing isn’t clean for the next day and if he doesn’t, tell the school to ring him to tell him to get the correct stuff/ask why she’s not in uniform. If a branded jumper goes missing then I would yes get plain ones or only use them on the days you have her. Do you think he’ll actually stick to it and do a 50 min drive there and back twice a day?

Ilovethewild · 05/01/2025 22:51

P, your dd is only 7, you have many years of uniform to come and it is not your responsibility to provide it for ex.

im sure school will understand that its ex not getting it and they can write to him if required.

if you provide this, you are setting up to provide everything and it will all ‘get lost’

surely if you have been to court this type of thing was agreed? If he is having her school nights he is responsible for clothing and same if she is unwell on his days thats down to him.
im not suggesting making it hard for dd but start as you mean to go on!

hold your own.

Whydoeseveryonewanttoargue · 05/01/2025 22:52

Or have her put an extra and outerwear in a locker and change the next day at school.

Original poster
FlowerP0w3r · 05/01/2025 22:53

School have been supportive. I'm sure they could just pop her in the unbranded uniform.

Yes there is second hand uniform too but he won't buy that either. I bought new uniform in September as DD had a growth spurt and I'm loathed to risk any of the embroidered stuff getting lost.

OP posts:
fashionqueen0123 · 05/01/2025 22:54

FlowerP0w3r · 05/01/2025 22:51

Nope he simply won't buy it. He is the kind of dad that takes no actual interest in her, her activities, her interests, how well she's doing in school, he refuses to take her to parties or any activity she might be involved in on his weekend.. which of course is his right but just makes me feel sad for DD is all.

I don't want her caught up in any of it so i know he knows if I don't send her with uniform then it'll look like it's on me.

He's a textbook narcissist and at the moment after nearly losing DD to him for shared residence I just have to comply and wait for DD to vote with her feet (not that I want her to but I feel its the path it'll go down)

Why would he think it would look like it was on you- if he’s the one bringing her to school, good grief he sounds stupid.

Im sure it will. And once she starts asking him why he’s not doing the activities and parties etc I know someone who has this situation and now the older child rarely goes for visits. Probably won’t be long until the younger one follows. So hopefully you don’t have to put up with it for too long.

123456abcdef · 05/01/2025 22:56

can you talk to the school and leave a set of uniform on her peg/school office so if she comes in without uniform she can change. Plus yes send her in unbranded uniform on days he is collecting.

OzCalling · 05/01/2025 22:57

FlowerP0w3r · 05/01/2025 22:51

Nope he simply won't buy it. He is the kind of dad that takes no actual interest in her, her activities, her interests, how well she's doing in school, he refuses to take her to parties or any activity she might be involved in on his weekend.. which of course is his right but just makes me feel sad for DD is all.

I don't want her caught up in any of it so i know he knows if I don't send her with uniform then it'll look like it's on me.

He's a textbook narcissist and at the moment after nearly losing DD to him for shared residence I just have to comply and wait for DD to vote with her feet (not that I want her to but I feel its the path it'll go down)

Does the court know all of this? How does DD feel about seeing him? I’d look at getting a better solicitor OP - he sounds awful and I genuinely do feel for both you and DD.

I fought for 5 years to keep DD away from my abusive ex - he finally gave up when she was 11 and was able to vote with her feet. She’s now 21 and has never seen or heard from him since which confirms my suspicions that the custody battle was never actually anything to do with DD.. It was to get at me.

Oreyt · 05/01/2025 22:59

Yes that's fine.

I feel sorry that you and your daughter have to even think about these things.

What a nob.

Bakingwithmyboys · 05/01/2025 22:59

If there are others in unbranded then it probably won't even be a question on the teachers lips.
People are mentioning the second hand uniform as if you buy that for her dad's if that's the choice you make, it's possibly even cheaper than an unbranded. (I think most round here sell uniform for a couple of quid a piece max).

Talk to the class teacher if you're really concerned. She could even keep a set on her peg at school if needed.

Spirallingdownwards · 05/01/2025 23:01

If she is going there after school she can simply wear the same uniform next day. She is only 7. Her clothes do not need washing after one wear.

Original poster
FlowerP0w3r · 05/01/2025 23:03

Sadly hes fooled the court and professionals involved and I just don't have the fight in me anymore so I just have to let it play out. DD enjoys the time when she's there with him and he takes her to some places.. but she doesn't look forward to seeing him or says she misses him. She's seen bits of his behaviour... at the moment all I can do is comply and make it as easy as possible for her (and me).

I think I'll just send her in unbranded uniform which can be reused the next day and ask school to pop her branded cardigan on which ill ask to be left on her peg. Seems easiest option to do.

OP posts:
TeaAndTattoos · 05/01/2025 23:03

It’s absolutely fine to send her in cheaper bits of uniform if he is going to be a dick about sending it back then only send her in things that won’t cost the earth to replace.

HPandthelastwish · 05/01/2025 23:06

I would leave her with a proper set in a spare pe bag at school. And send her with nothing. He'll have to go to the supermarket and get her some PJs, he is relying on you to carry on. Use the parenting app, "DD is a size 8-9 in clothes she will need PJs, uniform and toiletries at yours. The uniform list is on the school website."
If he refuses what is he going to do?
Send DD in no -uniform?
Not send DD in at all?

Don't forget shoes if she wears expensive shoes, you'll need a cheaper pair of them too.

Goldbar · 05/01/2025 23:12

I agree - simplest thing is to send her in non-branded uniform on days he is picking up.

It's not really your responsibility but you could give her dad one set of non-branded uniform so he has "one to wash" when she visits and your DD has clean uniform for the next day. The idea being that she swaps her uniform for the set he has, and he washes it for the next week. After that, I think you've done all you can.