School uniform, would I be unreasonable to do this?

[FlowerP0w3r]

DD is 7, primary school.
Been in family court for years with her dad and he's finally getting overnights, including midweek.

It will be a big change for DD and not sure how she'll adapt to going from a 5 minute walk to school to a 50 minute drive.. but guess I'll let it happen.

My question is, her dad is an abuser and I have extremely minimal contact with him via a parenting app. He believes providing school uniform is my responsibility and isn't willing to purchase school uniform. So therefore I'm in a position that if I don't send uniform on his overnights that DD will be left without uniform which of course I would never do to her, ever.

My concern is, her father is incredibly vindictive and uniform is going to get "lost". Her uniform is very expensive in particular the outerwear which is embroidered.

I noticed a few children do just wear plain outerwear from George or Tu.

Wibu to send DD to school in just a plain cardigan from Asda or Sainsbury's? I doubt DD would care much, I know her dad won't buy or indeed wash her uniform either whereas I have always sent her in with fresh school uniform every single day.

I don't want to die on this hill but I'm not willing for him to purposely keep or "lose" expensive school uniform so just wondering if this is an acceptable compromise? I've spoken to school about it in the past and they would support my approach as its a situation they are common with.

Any thoughts?

I agree with this

It's just awful when it gets to this stage. I'm just grateful her overnight contact night isn't on an after school activity day as I know he wouldn't take her.

At my DC's primary school, all the kids wore a mix of logo'ed and plain uniform jumpers. By year 5 I think we just had 1 logo'ed jumper which was kept for photos and church assemblies!

A friend was in a similar situation and the school allowed her children to change into normal clothes before they were picked up, and arrive at school and change back into uniform the next day.

Might be worth having a chat with the family support person if they've got one, or the teachers.

@HPandthelastwish
That approach just puts the child in the middle and potentially triggers abuse.

Child needs to be put first. Spare clothes at school for the child is better.

I'd be tempted to make an arrangement with the school for her to change into home clothes there on the days she goes to her Dad, and then have fresh uniform ready for her to change into on arrival when he brings her back.

The school really shouldn't have very expensive uniform anyway, it's against government guidance.

Agree, spare clothes at school and outline what dd will be needing on his days/overnights so it’s recorded you have done your bit.

If DDs is bearing the brunt of this by your ex, him going on that it’s your fault etc then I’d reassess and send her with an overnight bag, but still keep uniform at school and use 2nd hand or generic uniforms on his days.

@Mumtobabyhavoc the child will have a set at school and the set she's wearing. It's not ideal, of course it's not but it has to happen.

He is playing chicken to get OP to bend to his will. OP can't play that game otherwise she'll be playing it for the next decade. The only way to get around that is to be strong, resolute and factual from the outset.

I don't want to do anything that means DD gets caught up in it. That's the last thing I want.

You are right in that approach. Don't make your dc a pawn to try and make your ex act properly. You will lose and your dc will suffer for it. If you have to do extra to ensure your dc feels secure, so be it.

just send her in unbranded uniform on the days he is going to pick her up. I think this is less disruptive than getting changed in school. ex will send her in for anything that she keeps on her peg. Tell school that you can drop off uniform if ex sends her in without.

My friends ex was exactly like this. He had his daughter overnight for two nights midweek. He did not see it as his responsibility to provide uniform, or clothes, for his daughter at all as he gave his ex “money for all that stuff”. Oh so generous at £100 a month(!).

When the daughter came back to her mum’s house, he would keep her uniform and her clothes until next time he saw his daughter as ex refused to supply him with it, or clothes. He actually turned up three weeks running with the daughter in vest, pants and socks. It got very messy and ended up back in court.

I feel for you having to deal with this idiot.

I'd go with the fresh uniform in school route.

Do think about the psychological impact on your child. Perhaps present her with the options - logoed stuff kept in school to change into or not get changed into it. You're kind of involving her in a little bit of a deception because you don't want her telling him there's logoed stuff at school or he might pressure her to bring it to his so he can play more mind games. If the school has a cheap second hand sale I'd be minded to buy one from that and sew a secret thread only you know about in it and she can wear that one on these days - if you think that might be better for your DC. If you are in the UK and he pays CMS and doesn't have 50/50 then he is actually technically not in the wrong to say the CMS pays for the uniform as it is annoyingly vauge in it's wording. Morally and in anyone sensible's mind though you are correct he should be buying some.

She'll be fine in same uniform 2 days running.What is the worst that can happen? If they are the only clothes she has, he'll have to send her back in them

Why would it not be fine? As you say, many children wear it, which is why all these shops sell them.

If necessary purchase secondhand uniform. Most schools have a 'Parent Facebook' group, and often parents will advertise outgrown uniform, at the fraction of the price. Equally, if the school are happy for you to use generic coloured uniform from supermarkets, then do this. Be aware though as your daughter gets older, secondary schools won't allow generic uniform!

I think the easiest thing to do which I'll do is send DD in on his days with an unbranded cardigan and I'll ask school to leave her branded one on her peg for when she gets in if she wants to change. Several of her friends wear unbranded stuff so she may want to match them anyway!

I wouldn't provide anything to him and if the school contacts you about the lack of uniform on his days, then redirect them to him.

It's easy for him to bully you. Less easy for him to bully the school. He will hopefully be shamed by them into taking responsibility.

Let the school know the reason for the no logo uniform. Have the official at school to change into. Not washing the school clothes for a week is fine.

Possibly repeating what others have said but the answer might be to send the cheaper uniform with her or make sure she's wearing it when she goes to his, If it's just one night. If you want her to have clean uniform to change into, pack the Tu stuff. Good luck, OP and DD. This man sounds very unpleasant.

Yes, I can't wait for the debacle that'll be secondary school uniform (not).

I can't see him purchasing any of that either.

This is a man when questioned by professionals he couldn't even remember the name of DDs school.

I had something very similar, provide the court order to school and his contact number, when he arrives with her in no uniform they can speak to him directly and he will not want to look like a loser in front of outsiders

I would send her in unbranded those days, I would be worried school won't necessarily remember to swap. Depending on how specific the uniform is, you may be able to let her pick which unbranded one she wants as girls' cardigans come in a few different neckline style. That may help 'sell' the non branded uniform to her.

I would do the following;
-raise concerns with school of what will happen
-msg him with size, what she needs and link to website
-send her in cheaper uniform and see what happens. I wouldn't change her out of branded as think this might confuse her etc.
-leave spare at school just in case.

DP has uniform for his kids here, but they arrive in uniform on weds and they are here a full weekend so when it ends up not here he can wash it for them.