School uniform, would I be unreasonable to do this?

[FlowerP0w3r]

DD is 7, primary school.
Been in family court for years with her dad and he's finally getting overnights, including midweek.

It will be a big change for DD and not sure how she'll adapt to going from a 5 minute walk to school to a 50 minute drive.. but guess I'll let it happen.

My question is, her dad is an abuser and I have extremely minimal contact with him via a parenting app. He believes providing school uniform is my responsibility and isn't willing to purchase school uniform. So therefore I'm in a position that if I don't send uniform on his overnights that DD will be left without uniform which of course I would never do to her, ever.

My concern is, her father is incredibly vindictive and uniform is going to get "lost". Her uniform is very expensive in particular the outerwear which is embroidered.

I noticed a few children do just wear plain outerwear from George or Tu.

Wibu to send DD to school in just a plain cardigan from Asda or Sainsbury's? I doubt DD would care much, I know her dad won't buy or indeed wash her uniform either whereas I have always sent her in with fresh school uniform every single day.

I don't want to die on this hill but I'm not willing for him to purposely keep or "lose" expensive school uniform so just wondering if this is an acceptable compromise? I've spoken to school about it in the past and they would support my approach as its a situation they are common with.

Any thoughts?

It won't do your child any harm to go into school in the same uniform 2 days running. If she goes to him on a school night she can just take spare pants and socks and wear the same clothes other than that.

Just send her in the unbranded stuff on his days. YABU to expect teachers to remember to get your DD to leave her branded cardigan on her leg and swap to unbranded on his day, and at 7, your DD won’t remember either. And do you want to have the conversation with her that ‘I want you to swap cardigans because daddy will “lose” your good stuff?’

Peg FFS not leg!🥸

It would disappear off the peg anyway. Schools eat belongings left there.

Just send her in unbranded and put her in her usual uniform when she's back with you. All this swapping and leaving a branded item in the peg is creating way too much drama.

Why are you making this into such a drama?

You've said other pupils - including some of her friends - wear unbranded uniform. Why would it be unreasonable for her to wear the same?

If it’s only one night a week then I’d just buy some supermarket or secondhand logo uniform. Send her in it on that day and keep a spare set at school just in case she gets sent in with no uniform. Accept you may have to buy more. My DD can sometimes wear the same uniform daily for a week and sometimes it’s got spaghetti bolognaise and paint and god knows what else all down it on a Monday and she needs a fresh set daily

I wouldn’t be having your DD changing to the logoed uniform at school. Firstly she and the teachers will forget, and secondly it marks them as different in her mind.

Sorry your ex is such a pain. Can you say matter of factly on the parenting app that he needs to get all the supplies she needs for his night so toothbrush, pjs, underwear, school uniform (just say supermarket is fine, she needs black trousers red cardi etc).

Lots of children wear unbranded uniform, it really isn’t anything to stress about.

Buy some cheaper stuff from Asda and let her wear that on his days. Keep the more expensive uniform at home for your days. Trying to keep stuff on pegs overnight and getting teachers to swap cardigans is silly and will end up with stuff being lost anyway.

@FlowerP0w3r our school has a pile of donated outgrown uniform that they will give to anyone who asks for it. The parents used to sell if for 50p an item, before it became free. There are always many children leaving every year who want to donate their clothes back to school.

I would be approaching the school to see if you can get items second hand/free and having a pile hidden away at home, and just use branded items from that. Make sure it's labelled quite distinctively. Much easier than worrying about branded vs non-branded.

I never asked my ex to purchase uniform. You said the school has already said that this was OK so not sure why you are asking the question here? He is useless - so don't give him any opportunity to cause more issues by losing the expensive uniform.

Yep you don’t need fresh uniform everyday, let dad turnaround the cheap one she was wearing the day before and keep the good stuff at home for use when she’s coming home to you x

Of course he should be buying uniform but I'm not sure why you are adding to the drama by leaving branded uniform on pegs for her to change into. Your DD won't care about logos, the school don't care, your DD will forget to change, the teacher doesn't have time to remember every child's uniform or peg arrangements.

Just send DD in cheap uniform on his day and the good stuff on yours.

You started a thread on mumsnet to ask if it’s unreasonable to buy unbranded uniform for your child???
Just buy it. I’m surprised anyone is throwing away money on the branded stuff in the first place.

Why will secondary schools not allow it? Many presumably allow it otherwise the shops wouldn't bother selling it?

I would buy 3 supermarket uniforms on vinted or at a second hand sale. I wouldn't get into leaving branded things on pegs and swapping clothes, it's just adding stress. Don't even mention to her that she's wearing different uniform on those days, just say the embroidered one is in the wash if she even notices.

set 1 in a labelled bag to stay at school, speak to them and explain the situation, they will have somewhere they can stash it for her in case she comes in in dirty uniform, so she can change into her own clothes without feeling embarassed.

set 2 in a bag to go to his. Put in writing in the app that this set is so he has a clean set for her to wear to school and he will need to wash the used set to have it ready for the next week. If he judges her uniform from the day before to be fine so he does't have to wash it then that's his call. I reuse uniform for a second day if it looks fine (vanishingly rare for polo shirts and obviously not underwear but trousers or skirt and cardigan can easily do a few days)

set 3 she wears on the day he picks her up from school.

Does school have a second hand shop? People donate old uniform then it’s sold for £1 an item.

Can you not alert the school to the situation? By providing uniform that as you say will get lost by your ex, you’re covering up his behaviour. If you explain to the school that you have uniform at home for her, for your nights, but are not sure of the situation when she’s at her dad’s they may be able to help by recording dates where she isn’t in correct attire. No court would accept his reason that he expected you to buy and provide the uniform. The school will also then be aware of the situation, in case your daughter is suddenly struggling. This can’t be the first time this situation has arisen.

Those who keep saying about second hand. He simply won't buy it. He expects me to provide full uniform.

Your child needs uniform. Many of us are suggesting you buy her branded (and perhaps non-branded) uniform second hand at 50p an item. Speak to the school office (not teacher) to find out how to buy it. If they say there isn't any, then ask when they will be selling all of the unlabelled lost property to make money for the school.. There is nothing wrong with buying second hand. Many of us do that for our children especially for the skirts/trousers and jumpers/cardigans that are designed for years of wearing - the children grow out of them whilst they still have life left in.

Your ex expects you to provide all the uniform - that is unreasonable I think. He should keep some basics at his house such as pants/socks/tights and ideally one full set of uniform that he has bought (new or second hand).

But just get several spare sets of uniform second hand yourself, tell him to make sure he has one full set of uniform and several sets of underwear at his house, and leave a spare set on her peg at school in case she ends up wearing a dress covered in paint two days running.

Do the PE kit and trainers stay at school?

If your school doesn't have second hand uniform, then speak to the PA and start it!

Can you message him "The reason why Child Maintenance and Support payments are lower if you look after the child more of the time is that in that case you are bearing more of the costs. If you don't spend your money on supplying her with sufficient school uniform and other clothing/basic needs to cover the time she is with you we can go back to court and rearrange for you to have less time and pay more maintenance and I will have records of your neglect for any time you haven't met these basic needs"

Start as you mean to go on.

I would update Dds school with the new arrangements and share your fears (re clean uniform, potential not-uniform related emotional impact this may have on your daughter, tiredness re travelling). You can ask periodically if she seems to be ok, usual self etc. Absolutely ask if she can keep a spare unbranded set at school. Give DD an unbranded set to keep at her Dads (if she is worried in any way about the uniform situation), it has to be about your DD even if ExDH is a horrid twat faced arsehole.
Hopefully (if he is a crap dad) he will soon tire of the arrangement and you can reduce contact.

Send her in the generic stuff on "his" nights.

Can you reach out to the school for support? The primary schools I have dealings with will happily give away old items for free/pennies to a child in need.

Just remember OP, your DD is too young to understand all this now. But one day she'll be old enough to know who had her side, and who didn't.

Is he picking her up from school? If so, what’s the problem? She’ll already be wearing uniform. He can just send he in that the next day.

I'm simply just going to send her in the unbranded uniform on his pick up and he can reuse that. I'll keep her branded cardigans for when she's with me. Those who said not to bother with keeping on her peg are right it's too much of a faff.

I don't care if he loses or treats the unbranded stuff nicely. If he takes issue to unbranded uniform then ill point him in the direction of the second hand school supply.