School uniform, would I be unreasonable to do this?

[FlowerP0w3r]

DD is 7, primary school.
Been in family court for years with her dad and he's finally getting overnights, including midweek.

It will be a big change for DD and not sure how she'll adapt to going from a 5 minute walk to school to a 50 minute drive.. but guess I'll let it happen.

My question is, her dad is an abuser and I have extremely minimal contact with him via a parenting app. He believes providing school uniform is my responsibility and isn't willing to purchase school uniform. So therefore I'm in a position that if I don't send uniform on his overnights that DD will be left without uniform which of course I would never do to her, ever.

My concern is, her father is incredibly vindictive and uniform is going to get "lost". Her uniform is very expensive in particular the outerwear which is embroidered.

I noticed a few children do just wear plain outerwear from George or Tu.

Wibu to send DD to school in just a plain cardigan from Asda or Sainsbury's? I doubt DD would care much, I know her dad won't buy or indeed wash her uniform either whereas I have always sent her in with fresh school uniform every single day.

I don't want to die on this hill but I'm not willing for him to purposely keep or "lose" expensive school uniform so just wondering if this is an acceptable compromise? I've spoken to school about it in the past and they would support my approach as its a situation they are common with.

Any thoughts?

I would definitely do the same as you OP and make sure she has uniform. I could never let my children go to school with no uniform and make it awkward and upsetting for them, just to send a message to my ex or teach him a lesson because it's obvious from your posts that he just wouldn't give a shit and the only one to suffer would be your dd.

I wouldn't bother with the faff of leaving a branded cardigan or jumper at school to change into though, that seems like unessessary faff and it will probably end up lost anyway. If lots of kids including her friends wear generic uniform then just let her wear that. She probably won't notice or care.

Good question. But many secondary schools do insist on ther logo items only. Some near to where I live are now adding things like a coloured stripe doen the legs of trousers etc.

I would start by sending her in clearly labelled branded cardigan. Make it easy for your child, don't start by singling her out. Also if you start by sending her to school in unbranded cardigans she will always think it is you that changed her cardigans - not him.

If he loses one branded cardigan, then consider moving to unbranded. But it is unlikely that he would be so highly irresponsible as to send her to school in winter with no cardigan at all so surely if she is wearing a branded cardigan when she goes to his house, the same one will come back next day?

definitely don’t send the embroidered uniforms to him!

cheap uniform is fine. I would send a set to school so she always has a spare set on her peg, and let him sort out her uniform when she stays with him. that way if she arrives without it she can change at school, and won’t be embarrassed, but you are not having to do his laundry/admin whilst he is supposed to be parenting. if he fails to provide uniform, he will realise firsthand how much it matters to her that he cannot see beyond his own nose.

Cheap or non-branded uniform given the school being supportive.

The post I agreed with said for the child to have spare clothes in school

I would send her in with only a clean shirt and underwear so she reuses her clothes from the day before. Granted they might be a bit mucky if they've had spag bol for lunch but the alternative is that he will not send her back to school the next day with the full set of dirty clothes. You might have to see shirts and underwear as collateral damage.

How many missing items of clothing would have to accrue before you could file a small claims I wonder <ponders>

Also, both you and your DD need to keep notes of any unreasonable behaviour. This demonstrates patterns of behaviour, should you need to change contact agreement in the future.

Assuming you don’t have kids in high school or in the UK. UK high schools are notoriously about their ridiculous strict uniform rules.

At my DDs school the only generic items allowed are boys trousers & shirts. Everything else has to be the schools logo’d uniform. Girls skirts and trousers have to be the schools but the boys can wear anything. Jumpers, blazers, pe kit including socks all have to be purchased from the uniform shop. I’ve just spent £50 on a new jumper and pe leggings for my dd. Up until now I’ve been lucky that I have got most of DDs uniform second hand.

i don’t know of any high school in our region and others I know that allow generic supermarket clothing.

@Comefromaway that's outrageous in a cost of living crisis. Parents should be pushing back against this nonsense.

@AliceMcK incorrect - I have a 15 and 12 year old both at a secondary school that doesn't require parents to get into debt to clothe them. There must be many many schools like theirs as the shops wouldn't stock non branded uniform otherwise?

When you consider I live in a pretty deprived city it is!

The school I should have sent my kids to had compulsory tartan skirts for the girls. This was a failing school in a deprived area.

Another local school put half the school in detention/isolation for wearing generic navy trousers or skirts without a purple ribbon on them. There are logos on the waistband of skirts and trousers too which have to be present.

There appears to be nothing parents can do. every year these schools hit the local papers when hoards of kids are put into isolation. I work near this school and before they changed the uniform the kids wore plain back trousers and looked really smart.

If he doesn’t want to buy her clothes or uniform then he should respect that u do and make sure ur daughter has her uniform coat etc when she goes back to school should not be so hard. Some people are nasty or stupid

Is this a private school?

Why all the angst about wearing branded uniform every day.

I imagine loads of kids spill their breakfast down the front of their uniform just before leaving the house and end up wearing generic clothing. She isn't likely to be the only one not wearing branded kit.

I dont understand how its going to get lost? Just tell dd to make sure she is wearing her jumper in the morning (which shouldn't be hard in January) and embed an approach of folding her clothes ready for the next day when she's at home and encourage her to do it at her dad's house.

She's only going to going to at his house so it can't get lost.

Because if he has to, this abusive man will wait until his child is asleep, then go and take the jumper and throw it away or hide it - depending on whether he only wants to upset OP, or if he wants to gaslight his daughter by returning her jumper to its place before she next comes to his house.

I know it sounds like the plot of a movie, but this is what these people are like, as OP well knows.

In which case I'd log it with the school. If it happens more than once, I'd write to him on the parent app, copying in the school if possible or dropping a seperste note after, saying that 2 jumpers have been lost on his watch on e.g. a Wednesday night therefore you are leaving one at the school for her to wear when she arrives in the morning on e.g. Thursday. If he wants her to have a jumper to come home in on Wednesday then he needs to provide one.

i don't understand this post. of course it's ok to send non branded! you said it's ok at the school and other children have non branded heaven forbid your dd getting seen in non branded uniform 🙄

I can only think it’s a regional thing as none of the supermarkets around here stock high school uniforms other than shirts and trousers. Uniforms have to be bought from their approved retailers. Some of the high schools are even taking legal action against a new “uniform” shop because they are not authorised to sell the branded uniforms, parents have been told kids will be sent home if it’s not the correct logod uniform from their approved retailers.

Same with our secondary school, we are in London. Everything apart from the shirt needs to have the logo and it’s alright saying parents need to fight against it etc but it’s the child that suffers as they are given a detention if wearing incorrect uniform.

Yes. We we loads and loads of second have uniform that sadly people don’t want. It’s perfect quality too. It’s pretty indestructible.
Supermarket uniform is equally acceptable but ends up more expensive in the long run as it doesn’t last. Second hand is a great option.

So?

If wishes were horses, beggars would ride!

He's not in charge of you. You provide adequate clothing. Second hand or not. Doesn't matter. He's trying to control you.

I can’t dispute some of the logo’d uniform has lasted years, which when you have 3 girls close in age is fantastic. Unfortunately, some like PE tracksuit and shorts, which the school has insisted on having has been awful, in my DDs time it’s been changed 3 times. We’ve had a bit of push and shove with parents using their own stuff then the school insisting the new tracksuit is better etc..

Sadly our primary school is the most expensive in the area. When we first started I bought new and multiple, now every September im there on inset day (usually the day before school starts) sifting through the second hand stuff. It started with the teachers telling me to just come in and see what I needed to sending an invite to all parents to check the boxes they left outside for anyone needing anything. I now only buy anything if I can’t get second hand and I certainly don’t send them in a clean uniform every day anymore. When they hit puberty, I will worry about that.

You buy it second hand for his days

Is she OK with that?