Should I hit 'send'?

[Journeyintomelody]

YABU - dont do it!!!
YANBU - do it

Context: I have a 10 month old DD. Father was abusive . I received support to leave when I was pregnant. He has not acknowledged birth and has not paid any child maintenance. His salary is £55,000 pa. He has approx £900,000 in assets (private pension, savings, and house). He has two children now at university who don't live with him. He has a financial advisor and is has legal connections (best buddies with a very good solicitor)
I am paying myself £500 a month to get through maternity leave excluding housing but including everything else (eg. Food, clothing, toiletries, cleaning supplies, everything for DD)

Message:
"It's been 10 months and child maintenance arrangements have yet to be agreed. Based on your salary and circumstances CMS estimates are:
£118.93 a week or £514.97 a month.

I suggest that an acceptable arrangement would be for you to set up a standing order for £500 per month into my account titled child maintenance.

If you do not pay an acceptable amount of child maintenance voluntarily, which is a legal requirement, I will contact CMS at the end of the month, who will take into account all taxable income and take the money directly from your salary. (Note this option comes with an additional 20% charge each month). "

To not drip feed: please don't say go straight to CMS. I have decided not to do this for several reasons which I won't go into now. My question is does this message sound ok? How should I initiate the discussion. We have had no contact for a year. He was told not to contact me by employer whilst he was under investigation for sexual misconduct. I believe this process has now concluded.

Thank you. I'm stressing out here!

@hereistopositiveenergy thanks for your reply. Yes, I do have some evidence of the abuse towards me. It was documented at the time. I was in touch with several organisations.

There is no way he would want to be involved in the baby years. My fear is in 5 years time when he realises his life is empty, kids have left the nest etc that he may want to initiate contact. Then all my fears play out.

I am a person of a sound mind but at the moment I am trying to make decisions based on future possibilities and the choices of others which of course I can't control.

I don't know how I can afford a solicitor if I can't afford shampoo 😅

I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with all of this OP. I agree with others though, do not contact and do not go via CMS either, you’d be opening the door and putting yourselves back on his radar which sounds like it could really be dangerous for both you and your child.

I would get legal advice, before doing anything.

I am disappearing for a bit now to hug my daughter and reflect on all these replies. Thank you so much everyone. I'll be back later when she is sleeping!

@Journeyintomelody have you applied for benefits?

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/ive-left-and-i-need-support/

Could you tell us vaguely what's area you are in so we could signpost you. My area has places like storehouses to help people with clothes, shoes etc.

I hate to think of you walking in the rain with holes in your shoes. Things will get better 💞

@Journeyintomelody are you going to answer this very relevant question?

You’d be entitled to legal aid as you have no money and are a victim of abuse and can provide documentation of it.

I’ve really been where you are! I’m now waiting for our final hearing - and so far, he’s had no contact because of his abuse and the recommendation is no direct contact! Just hoping the judges at the final hearing will follow the recommendation.

I say that to say, you’ll be okay!

Don’t hold off on applying though as he becomes liable from the date you applied! I applied mid Jan and got first payment end of March (and that’s with the delays of DNA testing in between)

The payout she got probably took her over the threshold for UC so while she’s got it she can’t apply. She doesn’t need to spell it out .

She has answered it.

She has, see her reply at 10:45.

She's living off a settlement, having agreed some sort of NDA. If it's over a certain amount, she's probably not entitled to some benefits.

Could you pay yourself more from the money you have? I didn't think that's unreasonable as it sounds like you are struggling big time with the 500.
Once the money has gone it may open more opportunities for benefits.

This exactly. Thank you. I could have gone crazy spent all the money had a party and then pleaded poverty but I'm not a dickhead. I've been very careful so that I could support myself through my maternity period. When DD is 14 months I will have to go back to work. I have also really needed this time to recover from a pretty traumatic experience before anyone comes at me.

Find out what you are entitled to re benefits and childcare payments. Get back to work asap and keep him out of your lives.

CMS

Do not give him an option to pay less than legally required.

CMS CMS CMS

Bad advice for the OP considering all other circumstances.

But the answer she's given doesn't add up. If the kid is 10mths and you've only got enough left to pay yourself £500 a month and your rent for the next 4mths, then you don't have over £16k in savings do you.

So you can claim UC. And you'll have a job in 4mths.

Your situation is horrible. But separately you aren't telling it straight about your finances. Which is very relevant because you are saying you have to contact him because you can't afford to live

Truthfully op I'm torn. I think it depends on how hard you're finding things financially. Obviously it goes without saying that this arsehole should be paying for his children. But, as someone who has a child with someone similar, I'd actually rather take nothing from him and not have to deal with him in any way shape or form as I don't want my ds on his radar. (He does pay but even the contact of that makes me feel uneasy).

If its been a year of no contact from this abusive predator then to be honest I personally would leave it and ask him for nothing on order to keep him out of your lives if that is realistically affordable for you.

I would only want to be in touch with him via a secure mediation such as cms contacting him on your behalf. If there is a restraining order or similar you reaching out to him could possibly be looked at as you breaching that and seeking out contact.

It's your call at the end of the day, but I'd be avoiding him at all costs since he sounds like a genuine danger to your dd and my worry would be that he may see paying for her as a form of entitlement to her.

No money is worth letting this man near your child.

I would check you’re receiving everything you’re entitled to. It’ll get easier once she’s in school and you can work.

If he was told to not contact you due to a hearing and to stay away from you clearly he is volatile, I think you should go straight to CMS and not contact him. He will stall and if you weren't meant to be having contact with him then I would continue this and go down the legal route to keep yourselves safe. You then get what you need for your daughter but without any hassle or aggrevation. Good luck OP.

You’ll need to check so I would potentially speak to Woman’s Aid but I am sure you’re circumstances would qualify for legal aid/support on fees. Having the evidence and engaging with services previously would lead you in good stead as they will have documents on historic and able to support your decision and stance he’s a risk. A COA or PSO will stop him just immersing himself and give you and your daughter the security until she’s 16/18 of what his involvement is.

I believe you get legal aid in cases of domestic abuse.

Seek advice from Citizen’s Advice website and by making an appointment as there could be a long wait to see an adviser.

Why would you risk him demanding contact with your daughter? In your shoes I'd be thanking my stars he hadn't shown any interest, moving somewhere he wouldn't find us and finding a way to manage without his money.
Best of luck to you OP.

Maybe you should consider doing something different (obviously constructive) with the money rather than eking it out to live on like this 'though? I feel like it's turned into a bit of a trap in some ways instead.

Personally I would prefer you spent it on counselling and legal help or whatever, (obviously keep as much as you can in savings under UC rules) and go on benefits, than you struggled on like this.

Are you getting any support (counselling etc)?