Should I hit 'send'?

[Journeyintomelody]

YABU - dont do it!!!
YANBU - do it

Context: I have a 10 month old DD. Father was abusive . I received support to leave when I was pregnant. He has not acknowledged birth and has not paid any child maintenance. His salary is £55,000 pa. He has approx £900,000 in assets (private pension, savings, and house). He has two children now at university who don't live with him. He has a financial advisor and is has legal connections (best buddies with a very good solicitor)
I am paying myself £500 a month to get through maternity leave excluding housing but including everything else (eg. Food, clothing, toiletries, cleaning supplies, everything for DD)

Message:
"It's been 10 months and child maintenance arrangements have yet to be agreed. Based on your salary and circumstances CMS estimates are:
£118.93 a week or £514.97 a month.

I suggest that an acceptable arrangement would be for you to set up a standing order for £500 per month into my account titled child maintenance.

If you do not pay an acceptable amount of child maintenance voluntarily, which is a legal requirement, I will contact CMS at the end of the month, who will take into account all taxable income and take the money directly from your salary. (Note this option comes with an additional 20% charge each month). "

To not drip feed: please don't say go straight to CMS. I have decided not to do this for several reasons which I won't go into now. My question is does this message sound ok? How should I initiate the discussion. We have had no contact for a year. He was told not to contact me by employer whilst he was under investigation for sexual misconduct. I believe this process has now concluded.

Thank you. I'm stressing out here!

She was raped. She didn’t get to choose.

Have you thought about contacting any of the organisations that support single parents who are victims of domestic abuse? They must be experienced in this kind of situation, and may have staff who can give legal advice.

Although I'm involved in the charitable sector, this isn't my area, but I'm sure that this board can link you to various organisations that could help.

Here's one from me. This organisation helped one of the women I was supporting for other reasons, but whose abusive partner abandoned her and left her homeless at 28 weeks pregnant.

https://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/

It is appalling that you are in this position. He is a disgrace. Honestly, if you can manage without his money at all I would not make any contact with him. You definitely risk him getting involved in your DC’s life (or trying to) and by extension in yours if you initiate any contact whatsoever. It is a horrible choice to make and you should not have to but I would either leave it entirely if you or go via CMS, not contact him directly.

Yes, contact and maintenance are two different things.

Therefore you need to sort them out separately. What you are imagining you can do with your email is sort out both together. Forget that.

CMS for maintenance. A family law solicitor regarding contact. Two different unconnected things you need to do.

I am giving him an option to pay less than he is legally required

Never consider appeasing an abuser in this way. You are simply giving him a legal stick to beat you with, quite apart from any other issues you contacting him will cause as pps have pointed out.

Maintenance is for YOUR CHILD not you, and not for your relationship with him. If you start down the path of letting your child down in this way then you will end up in all sorts of woe. The law is there to protect your child from financial disadvantage and you are considering compromising it.

Contact is for YOUR CHILD as well. If there are circumstances that mean it is a bad idea then you need to consult a lawyer.

Tell me you didn't read all the OP's posts without telling me you haven't read all the OP's posts. FFS!

Or are you just that cruel and nasty?

She. Was. Rapped. @Jolietta

Your child deserves the support, but your child also deserves a relationship with their father.
Unless there is a reason why he should see his child, in which case walk away, the money isn't worth it. (I didn't read every reply)

I'd just got through CMS, it's all legal and he can't default or string you along.

To him, it seems your daughter is out of sight and out of mind with him not wanting any responsibility at all however, I would worry as she gets older and the baby phase is over in his head, if he will then evoke arrangements for contact. Especially if he’s friends who work in the legal world, they might be informing him currently overnights would be very unlikely given her age and he cba with a few hours here and there so waiting out.

Do you have any evidence of the abuse towards you and the risk he poses? If so, I would like to engage applicable services and get a COA or PSO to safeguard your daughter long term. As for the child maintainance, if he’s unapproachable as you’ve indicated I wouldn’t poke the bear and just go via them. If he requests a dna test then let him as be it now or in years time when you both go through family court it will need to be done tbh.

FFS, read the OP 's posts

As someone who has had many years of dealing with an abusive ex, I'd absolutely recommend just keeping away and forgetting about the money. It's not worth compromising yours or your DDs safety for money. Yes the extra financial help would be nice but stick to the zero contact as long as you can. Do not invite this man back into your lives.

That's basically what I've been doing! My dad has been really helpful (emotionally). He is with DD now whilst I am walking in the rain reading and replying to these comments trying to come up with a plan because the way I am surviving is not sustainable.
A few people have asked about how I am paying myself. I'm not proud of the answer but essentially I am living off hush money or a 'settlement'. I got a refund off my tuition fees (after a long battle) and instead of paying back my student loan I am paying myself 500 a month + rent that will keep me going until DD is 14 months.

I do not have a job now as I had to leave it when pregnant to escape. I have no idea what to do about childcare, or how I can go back to work practically. Thats a whole different challenge. I know I could do it without child maintenance but it's going into be hard! I have worn the same clothes for months, holes in my shoes, just surviving so that DD doesn't go without.

OP, given what you've said about the physical danger he poses, I would have absolutely no contact with this man and, if he knows where you are, I would move. I would not be asking for money, either directly or through CMS. Yes, living on £500 per month is a challenge, but it's doable. And it won't be forever. Make sure you're claiming all you can in terms of benefits, get referred to food backs, seek out churches that offer free cooked meals and do your best to get back into work as quickly as possible.

Did you even BOTHER to read her posts? Or are you just wanting to kick someone when they are already down? FFS!

A child conceived out of rape does NOT deserve to have to suffer by knowing the sperm donor. EVER! Neither does the mother deserve to be dragged through the ordeal and trauma.

OP, to help your case should he ever seek to spend time with your child later, or get on the birth certificate and have parental responsibility, I would suggest you consider reporting him to the police for rape as soon as you feel able to. I am so sorry he did this to you and that you are struggling now.

Please get advice re benefits, surely you should be able to claim more than £125 a week!
Also there is other help out there, baby banks are fabulous and will give you clothes, toys nappies and baby equipment etc.

https://littlevillagehq.org/uk-baby-banks/

You'll regret taking money from this abuser. Please try and get help everywhere else except him.

My post was open ended for this reason, and very clearly says.. walk away if it isn't worth it, stop jumping down people's throats... FFS!!

If he has been investigated for sexual misconduct the courts will take this into account (more than likely unfavourably to him) if he goes for access/custody.
Go for CSA - will take a while to go though so you are no better off and you will get arrears.

Knowing what I know about CMS and family courts too, I'd be reluctant to ask him for anything. I financially you're struggling but he's in a little box right now where he needs to stay.

I really fear that inviting CMS into your lives will mean he then wants contact, and I dont think family court will help you, because at best they're snakes 😭

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this, I hope you have had therapy and had time to process this huge violating trauma 💔

I keep coming back to your post as I can’t stop thinking about what you’re going through especially as we are learning more about your situation. I am so sorry @Journeyintomelody for what you’ve been through.
I agree with all the others who are advising against any contact. And focus all your energy on creating a good life for you and your DD.
i have another good friend who I met in the 90s. She was in a refuge with her baby daughter having escaped DV when I first met her.
Her daughter is now happily married, has a great job and my friend is a grandmother!!
My DD is at uni and we worked hard to make it happen with no support from exes we didn’t want in our lives or having a say. There are good and positive stories out there. Apologies for the multiple posts on your thread xx

Ah, did your settlement take you over the savings limit for receipt of benefits?

Did you get legal advice about this NDA or whatever it was you've agreed to?

Are you claiming benefits?

I think it’s something you need to look into, as a si gel parent you can claim childcare element and start looking for work.

No way would I be contacting that scum bag, you and your daughter are better than him. If you contact him it will open up a new can of worms and he will want contact. Can you look into a part time job and put her into nursery for a day or 2. Get yourself back on your feet. You are a strong person to go through what you’ve been through and come out stronger. Don’t lower yourself to him.

@Journeyintomelody there is lots of help out there for single mums with a baby.

I wonder if posters here can list places @Journeyintomelody could help from?

I’m not sure if you were working but if not, if you contact one they may point you in the right direction.
https://workingfamilies.org.uk/articles/benefits-financial-support-maternity-leave/

Edited to say olive just seen your last post re not working. Charities can still help you x

It can and will get better. Well done for escaping. Firstly your priority is looking after your physical body so it can heal and you can be the best mum. Stay hydrated, try and eat regularly and try a choose some nutritious choices as much as you can, avoid toxins like alcohol and drugs, find someone you trust to talk it out with. Use whatever support you have.

Don’t make any quick decisions. It’s great you have posted on here before firing off that message.

Your daughter will be in preschool soon which will give you more time and headspace. It’s still early days in your healing so be kind and gentle with yourself.

CAB first and then review again. One step at a time lovely. 💐

Hey OP, I’ve had a similar experience and still going through it tbf. Go to CMS. Make them aware
that you are a victim and they can safeguard you by hiding your details such as your bank account so you can’t be located.

Going to CMS doesn’t automatically mean DNA/ visits. He’ll have to deny he’s the father first. Then as (I’m assuming) he’s not on the birth certificate, it’ll be proven via DNA making him liable for payments since the day you applied. I’ve been through this experience.
Initially, they’ll only calculate his earned income but you can ask for a variation to include his assets too. If he tries to hide money, you can ask for Financial Investigation.

Off the back of the DNA and paying, separately he can apply to court for contact. However, the courts will safeguard you and your child. They won’t expose your baby to him if he’s a danger to you both.

Messaging him privately outside of organisations can bite you in the backside later as they can use it as an example of you’re not that scared of him and you can manage communication/ contact with him.

Best of luck to you!