Should I hit 'send'?

[Journeyintomelody]

YABU - dont do it!!!
YANBU - do it

Context: I have a 10 month old DD. Father was abusive . I received support to leave when I was pregnant. He has not acknowledged birth and has not paid any child maintenance. His salary is £55,000 pa. He has approx £900,000 in assets (private pension, savings, and house). He has two children now at university who don't live with him. He has a financial advisor and is has legal connections (best buddies with a very good solicitor)
I am paying myself £500 a month to get through maternity leave excluding housing but including everything else (eg. Food, clothing, toiletries, cleaning supplies, everything for DD)

Message:
"It's been 10 months and child maintenance arrangements have yet to be agreed. Based on your salary and circumstances CMS estimates are:
£118.93 a week or £514.97 a month.

I suggest that an acceptable arrangement would be for you to set up a standing order for £500 per month into my account titled child maintenance.

If you do not pay an acceptable amount of child maintenance voluntarily, which is a legal requirement, I will contact CMS at the end of the month, who will take into account all taxable income and take the money directly from your salary. (Note this option comes with an additional 20% charge each month). "

To not drip feed: please don't say go straight to CMS. I have decided not to do this for several reasons which I won't go into now. My question is does this message sound ok? How should I initiate the discussion. We have had no contact for a year. He was told not to contact me by employer whilst he was under investigation for sexual misconduct. I believe this process has now concluded.

Thank you. I'm stressing out here!

Dad can apply to court for £255 to have his name on the birth certificate, mum can't say no.

I am legally homeless. Left all my possessions to escape. Have £125 week to live. Literally everything, bar rent.

I'm sorry to read your story. Have you sought legal advice from a solicitor who specialises in family law? Many solicitors will give you an initial consultation free of charge because you need to tread very carefully. This person is not a simple ex, but your abuser.

Do you know about Early Help, a service run by local councils? They give lots of practical help and support for children and families. You can refer yourself or go through your GO and it could be very helpful for you. You can find details on your local councils website.

I am paying myself £500 a month to get through maternity leave excluding housing but including everything else (eg. Food, clothing, toiletries, cleaning supplies, everything for DD)

What do you mean by paying yourself op? Are you self employed?

Are you entitled to any other benefit you might not be aware of? Could we help with that at all?

You won’t get any of his assets if that’s what you mean - you’ll be entitled to CMS from his salary only. It’s irrelevant the value of his house and pension etc because you weren’t married.

You can’t want his money (your right and your child’s right) but also deny him the possibility of a relationship with your child (his right and your child’s right). You can’t have it both ways.

This is not a hornet’s nest that I would poke. If he has disappeared into the ether in avoidance of CMS but this also means he’s not involved with your baby (and that’s how you want it), I wouldn’t contact him for money either with or without CMS.

It is possible to be a good parent and a terrible partner and the courts do very firmly make decisions based on that principle. They won’t deprive him of a relationship with his child because he treated you badly. You may not like that (nor do I) but it’s the reality of the situation.

As an aside, he can make an application at any time for parental responsibility etc and he would almost certainly be granted it, along with some form of contact - which even if supervised would be expected to move to unsupervised overnight contact fairly rapidly.

If he isn’t in contact (or paying) because he genuinely doesn’t want to be involved, and you agree that that’s best for you and your baby, I would find a way to manage without the money. I’m speaking from experience.

Did not know that , thanks x

So, depends on the detail of the back story and your plans as it seems you prefer to go ahead with gaining his financial support.

Does he know he is the father of your child?
Do you already have contact with him? Does your DD?
Does he know where you live/phone number etc?
Does he have criminal convictions for SA/rape?
Do you want him to have/continue to have contact?
Are you planning/accepting that he will be part of your daughters life?

I am very much of the view that men should be made to be financially accountable for their children. I fought so that my ex was held to account, but in your case the financial gain has to be weighed against the difference and impact from life now, to life changing if he is held to account financially.

The detail from ‘now’ to the possible future is what you need to determine.

Awful situation for you but if what you say about him is true surely you dont want anything to do with him. I appreciate you’ll need the money to help your DD but for peace of mind I think better to go alone. You dont want him having any rights to access.

I think every mother who has been through this would pay £500 a month NOT to have the father in their child's life. Stop thinking what you think is fair and start thinking about keeping your daughter safe.

I’d rather be poor than possibly risk DD by contacting him.
Is there anyway you can survive without the child support?
It’s really shit and unfair that you are having to go through all this. I’m so sorry that everything is so hard.

If he is the man you are describing him to be, it is not worth the agro or risk. Your situation is tough but once you establish contact it’s going to be even worse. You will then write a thread asking advice on how to manage him. It’s a shit situation but don’t make it worse for you and your child.

Don’t be scared be proactive

I know you said you don’t wish to go straight to CMS - but this man was abusive and is currently choosing not to pay.

You can send him that message but I can guarantee it will be utterly pointless.

As in I don’t think it will prompt him to pay - it may prompt him to proactively find ways to hide assets / income.

But also you have nothing to lose. Either he responds positively which is a bonus for you, or he refused to pay and you are no different to the situation you are in now.

@UnitedOps has the best response, I think. Leave him well alone if you can.

It’s not a legal requirement AFAIK?

What happens if you pursue via CMS, he initiates contact and gets 50/50 or declares himself unemployed and you end up with no maintenance. I'd not rock the boat and suffer being hard up personally

I definitely don't prefer to go for the money. DD is 10 months and I haven't so far. Her safety is my number 1 priority. BUT equally, i need to be able to clothe and feed her.
He knows he is the father. He doesn't know her name, he hasn't acknowledged the birth. he doesn't know where we live. He has my number. My do not want him anywhere near DD. Haven't spoken to him for over a year. He has been reported for DV (someone else), everything dropped. Whose going to believe me if I say I was raped? Absolutely nobody. I can't prove it. Turns out I was last in a long line of cases that never went anywhere.

Just trying to be matter of fact with my response. Thank you for taking the time to write an answer. They were good questions. Im reading all of the replies.

Already posted but coming back on to say I totally agree with this and many of the other posters who’ve said similar.
as a lone parent you only have a certain amount of time and energy - the more I read of your updates the more it feels like you would be be better focusing all your energy on creating a life for you and your DD and keeping away from this awful abusive man.

Have you sought benefits advice? Are you claiming everything you're entitled to? You mention maternity pay, are you employed and returning to work soon?

It's easy for me to say, but I would consider missing out on 500 a month a worthy investment to keep this person out of my life.

Reading your updates, no way I'd want to email or contact him oe even go to CMS. I'd rather live on beans.
Is there any way you could move to live by any support people in your life?
I'd want to fly under the radar and hopefully never see or hear from him ever again.

If he pursued contact, then in the eyes of family court he is a safe man if any investigation was NFA.
I was extremely lucky in that my DD has a very slow progression in her contact with her father. The father who kicked my door in whilst holding her but who told the police he only did it out of concern as she was crying for me.
But court deemed him to be a safe man.
Claim all the benefits you need to.
Get a job and put her into childcare if you need to.
But there is a huge risk you are putting her safety above finances.

Hugs OP, what a horrific situation for you :( I agree with the PPs asking if you've checked you're getting all of the financial support you're entitled to, do you also have any charities in the area that can help? I set up a children's clothing exchange just before the pandemic here and it's grown legs a bit- basically once a month one of the local pubs let's us use one of the function rooms for free and people bring their outgrown clothes/toys/books and take stuff for free (the idea is people do swaps but there's always plenty of stuff). I know it doesn't make up for the hundreds of pounds you should have, just an idea.

Father not gather

I wouldn’t consider a rapist a good parent.