WWYD - child with no manners

[Rainallnight]

DD’s best friend has no manners. They’re both 8 and a half.

We’ve had friend around for plenty of play dates and have done some days out etc. She literally never, ever says please or thank you, and just comes across as quite demanding in how she asks for things. No SEN that I’m aware of.

DD is no angel and sometimes needs prompting on manners but is generally pretty reliable, as I think kids should be at this age.

Friend’s mum has texted me thanking me for the most recent play date and asking some quite searching questions about her daughter’s behaviour, as well as saying she hopes her DD didn’t come across as rude or demanding.

What do I do? I’d never spontaneously offer feedback but she has asked. But criticising anyone’s child has never ended well.

YABU - don’t say a word
YANBU - tell her what how her DD behaves.

I would want to know if it was my child. She obviously has concerns if she is asking.

Can you say it as politely as poss - like she's great fun etc but yeah she has an issue with saying please and thank you?

I’d probably tread lightly but yes it seems she has concerns too.

depends how the question was asked?

But maybe something like

”hi XYZ, DC had a lot of fun today with ABC. In terms of behaviour, certainly nothing I’d have gone out of my way to mention but a few times she was forgetful with manners so needed a bit of prompting, similar to DC”

Perfect reply!

I bet someone else has already mentioned it! Hence her now checking with you.

When my children had friends over I treated them like my own. That meant please and thank you or they didn’t get it. Any bad behaviour was corrected and any persistent bad behaviour would have one warning that if it didn’t desist immediately, I would call their parent to take them home. And I did.
I was a single parent to three so there was a lot of children/teens at the house. There was no way I was putting up with any brats.
Be firm, your house, your rules.

Yes, something like this. It doesn't sound like she's badly behaved as such? Just needs a bit of finesse!

If she's well used to visiting your house it may well be that she's using her "home" manners and would behave better elsewhere iykwim.

It sounds like your DD is close friends so you see this child a fair bit. The mum has said that her DD can come across as rude, so she already knows. I would amend this to say ..

”hi XYZ, DC had a lot of fun today with ABC. In terms of behaviour, certainly nothing I’d have gone out of my way to mention but a few times she was forgetful with manners so needed a bit of prompting, similar to DC. What would you like me to do if she forgets to say please or thank you - if my DD forgets, I would be very happy for you to request it. Is that ok for ABC?”

Yes totally this. a friends child had a lot of friends over and it was a shock how different their behaviour and rules are but I remember her telling me the way to deal with it was something like for example the rule was they washed their hands before they eat and the child didn’t want to as they say they didn’t do it at their house

”XYZ I hear that and I understand, but in our house that’s our rule so we all do the same whilst under this roof”

same with manners I think yes maybe next time with the child directly (and obviously gently!)

like “XYZ, would you mind making sure you say your please and thank you’s whilst your at our house, just like DC has to. That’s the rule we have here so everyone is doing the same”

it’s also a very difficult age and her mum sounds like she really does care and is trying her best, must be difficult and a bit embarrassing for her

Agree with something like this.

It doesn’t sound like there’s any other serious issues with this girl’s behaviour and obviously she’s good friends with your DD and round yours enough. Try to emphasise the positives, it was a good day and she’s a lovely kid but agree that she can be a bit forgetful when it comes to please and thank you and abrupt when asking for stuff. It is awkward but it doesn’t sound like it’ll be news to her and it’s not like you’re bringing it up out of the blue.

I find it kind of automatic to remind children , my own included , to use their manners if not forthcoming. I wouldn't think too much about this on its own from a visiting friend . I really wouldn't go there in terms of feedback to the mum despite her asking as she ckearly knows there might be an issue. I'd just say the children had a lovely time playing together.

Is just reply "we definetly use a few more Ps and Qs than I think she remebers to use, but on the whole she's lovely and welcome back any time" and in the meantime you just treat her as your own when she's there and remind her to be polite - kids get very used to the boundaries at various places, guarantee she is more polite at school

Has there been a change in behaviour for one or both girls?

I'd just do heartfelt and honest, with a awareness the question might be about something else entirely e.g.
"She has always been a lovely girl, but recently lax on the please/ thank yous. I remind her like I would DD. She's not a bother though, and nothing worth raising. Is there anything worrying you? How is DD at your house?"

If a child is in my house I'll always call them out on their behaviour. People say they want a village, give them it.

I've been known to tell off children that are not mine when I'm around them. In a very diplomatic and calm way of course. I've asked children to say please/thank you, and said when I feel their behaviour is impolite.

We had friends round over Christmas who did zero to stop their NT 9yo trashing my house. I have autism and DH has ADHD so I'm very sensitive to ND kids, but this child needed to be told that in my home you do not go through peoples handbags or throw food. He cried, but tbf his Dad told him I was right and to say sorry.

I'll probably get punched at a soft play one day, but hey ho, hasn't happened yet.

I always stay calm and keep my voice quiet and friendly.

Address the behaviour with the child while it's happening in your home. Kind, compassionate, lead by example.

Personally I wouldn't dob my child's friends in to their parents unless it became a problem or there was a safeguarding issue.

Not all kids are made equal and even kids with great parents can be dicks at times

My eldest had a little friend who was hard work and we used to have him over for tea/playing quite a lot. His mum was so lovely and would always ask me if he'd been ok and behaved. I just never had the heart to tell her he was a bit of a nightmare. He wasn't nasty or unkind but he couldn't sit still at the table for tea and was up and down like a yoyo (ADHD?) and his speech was a little strange - sort of talked at you and not too you, poor eye contact and could be very blunt! Looking back I do wonder if he was/is autistic. He was very bright but social skills were not there. I just used to tell her he'd been fine 😬 I think she knew because he didn't get invited to many playdates with others and she always used to bring me boxes of chocolates and flowers even though I always said that's so kind but you really don't need to!

I wouldn't say anything. Just role model and if you feel comfortable prompt the polite behaviour . It isn't that big a deal to tell parent

But that's a lie, isn't it?

I would be very tactful and careful. At 8 and a half they’re still learning and friends at school very important. Don’t upset anyone or your daughter will be distressed if the mum makes the friendship split. I remember being around that age and my school friend moved away, I still remember how upsetting it was ☹️

Yes, I’d use this too

Dear mother of rude child.
I know my child sometimes struggles with please and thank you. It can be really hard. How is your child at home with these phrases. Maybe something for the reward chart.

Sounds like her parents may have some Sen concerns. My autistic son was very like this when he was younger because he didn't have any social niceties you expect. A lot of people don't realise that autism is any issues with social communication so getting close to talk, touching arms etc when talking, just walking away without saying goodbye, not using manners etc can be a sign of autism and along with other issues can lead to autism diagnosis. I would be as honest as you can but say you still love having her round to play even though she has these issues. It can be a huge relief that someone else notices these issues and that you're not going insane imagining them. My son was 10 when he was diagnosed. No one could believe it until they spent more time with him and he's not only just on the spectrum he's moderate. Please be honest

Even to adults I sometimes have to say... "magic word?"!!!

I would say that your dd had a lovely time playing with friend. In terms of behaviour, friend needing some reminders about using her manners when asking for things but otherwise the kids had a great time

Just echoing others here. Mum clearly has concerns and could suspect SEN. I would be as honest as possible about any of the behaviour you yourself find concerning, as it may resonate with her own assessment of things and be helpful to her. I think she’s asking you for a reason, not just to be polite. Also worth mentioning that it won’t affect play dates or other activities, just for reassurance.