Elderly dad and wife expect me to care for her

[Adrienne23]

My dad left home for his now wife of 50 years when I was 8 years old and they by and large lived their own very comfortable lives together, seeing me around 4 times a year until my teens, then we saw very little of one and other aside from speak on the phone twice a month or so. My mother raised me in relative poverty with not much financial support from my dad at the time he used to claim he didn’t have the means and we only discovered in recent years that he and his wife were far better off than they said they were. My mother passed away nearly 10 years ago from a long illness and I was her main support, although she tried very hard to maintain her independence and not lean on me unless absolutely necessary mainly in order to protect my emotional and physical well being.
I started to see more of my dad since my mothers death and increased communication considerably during lockdown. In the past few months his wife has been diagnosed with cancer and they now both absolutely expect me to provide all sorts of support and care for them both as my dad’s health is also poor. I am starting to feeling incredibly resentful. I worked hard on myself following my mother’s death, getting a new job, social life, etc, but I am still deeply affected by the loss. The level of support my dad and his wife expect from me far exceeds the support my mum expected (or received) from me, I get calls and messages about the health condition of both, several times a day irrespective of what I am doing, demands to drive to and from appointments, visit the house, messages that seem urgent and can’t wait only to just want to chat about themselves, and so on. How can I draw boundaries now before I am completely consumed by them and their needs to the detriment of my own?

Agree with this. Xx

I absolutely agree with this comment. Don't wear yourself out for people who don't love you.

They would receive the same amount of support, care and consideration they offered to me growing up. You do not need to be burdened by this OP.

Sorry to sound mercenary but I would try to keep him sweet without alienating him but also without letting their demands consume you.
Set boundaries for yourself and signpost him to organisations that can help - cab companies, social services, paperwork for attendance allowance. Then just continue to see him occasionally socially, without offering any care. If he asks why not, tell him your work / other commitments etc.

It's an absurd suggestion, not because he can actually do these things, but because it's not OP's responsibility to sort anything out for them.

Her father and stepmother are both terrible people. OP grew up in poverty due to her father's decision to have an affair, leave for the other woman and to provide very little financial support, despite being in a position to do so. She saw her dad 4 times a year as a chld and even that meagre amount of time was reduced when she was a teen. She saw her mum struggle financially and even when her mum was ill, her mum tried her best to not over burden OP and to be as independent as possible.

OP needs to completely withdraw. OP owes them nothing, not even an explanation. She doesn't need to set up any support systems for them. They can either do that themselves or social services will need to step in.

Her dad and step-mum don't want a relationship with OP. They want OP to be an unpaid carer. Their expectations are much greater than those of OP's mum when she was ill and drying. How entitled and unpleasant would you need to be to expect the daughter you treated so badly to provide this amount of care and support?

U must prioritise you OP. They can buy in help. If u want to spend time with ur dad, let ot be on your terms. If the carrot of inheritance is dangled in front of you ignore.

Your mum was obviously a wonderful woman who brought up such a caring daughter however don't be a doormat.
Decide what level of support you want/can give and stick with that.
Be less available, stop jumping the minute they call, distance yourself and look afterwards yourself.
You owe them nothing, remember that.

I'm so sorry about your mum. And for that young woman and that little girl, and for what has stayed with you.

You don't mention if you have a partner or children?

Don't turn yourself into a skivvy for a pair of selfish demanding CFs.

Lead. Your. Life.

Phone calls and texts - you do NOT have to look at, pick up, answer. Get used to sending all their calls to voicemail.

Choose how often if at all you want to engage. Maybe once every day, every few days, weekly, whatever, review all messages.

If you want to, send one message back. Short simple and clear - No, you're working, away for the weekend, seeing friends, going to appointments. Having. A. Life.

Don't say 'sorry' or 'I can't'.

Say 'no, I'm not available'.

Wills and the promise of benefiting can be a powerful tool of manipulation - has that started yet?

I'd go no contact that or see them only 4 times a year for the day like he did to you when you was growing up.

You reap what you sow, don't get dragged into this. You owe him nothing.

Following this one with interest.

Dad left my mum 30+ years ago. Recently moved 4 hours away with his wife. No other family members nearby. When I broached the subject of his plans if/when the time came he needed care, his response was to move close to me. My brother and sister both live hours away from me but the implication is that I'll do the heavy lift in terms of care.

I'll definitely be following some of the advice on here about setting boundaries etc.

You reap what you sow.

I'm afraid that I can be pretty blunt in situations like this - I'd probably tell them I consider him as just a sperm donor rather than a father, as that's all the responsibility he's taken towards you over the years. Then add some of the previous suggestions from this thread along the lines of making beds and lying in them.

A pp said they are just trying to use you for free care rather than having to pay for it themselves, which I agree with. Either they can get free care from the local authority, or they have enough money to pay for it themselves - money they have because they failed to support you or your mother when you were a child.

You survived perfectly well for the majority of your life without contact from them, if this means they go NC with you then fine, you have more time for your real friends and the rest of your life.

You can allow yourself just as much guilt as I'd imagine your father had when he deserted you and your mother all those years ago - none!

How would you know? She has step siblings, care home fees are a possibility, as is her dad dying first and his wife leaving her out completely. You can never rely on inheritance.

I am in a similar situation, except it is my parents. They have lived a very selfish life where they have only put themselves first. They now think I will continue to put themselves first and I won't.

I have written a list of all the thing they have done so that when my better nature starts to get the better of me I can come back to reality. They will reap what they sowed.

The egotistical entitlement of people like your father and his wife, never ever ceases to amaze me. He walked away from you when you most needed him, and has given you zero since. Are you in his will? Will you be inheriting his house?

This. There are resources for older people, and those suffering from Cancer, such as Mcmillan cancer support etc. At the very least I would contact Adult Social Services to find out what help they could access.

Please be firm and set boundaries now before it goes too far. Don't always be available and have a much needed discussion a little what you can offer.

My MIL is awful to me and DH, but great with our kids. She has told us she isn't going into a home and expects to be cared for by us. I've already told her and DH this isn't happening. Frankly our marriage wouldn't survive if.

I'm sorry about the passing of your mother OP.

Why should OP need to do anything? Their care and support needs are not her responsibility. She should offer the same amount of care and support provided to her by her father when she was a child, i.e. absolutely fuck all.

I would have a direct and practical conversation along the lines of
“Dad I can see you and DW have increasing need for support and I think we need to be realistic. I had xx years of looking after Mum and know how big a job it is. I need to be honest, for all our sakes, and say I can’t take on what will become an even bigger job for the coming years. So let’s make sure you have the right support. I can do one day a month helping with xyz. Have you got a Macmillan Nurse? Let’s look into attendance allowance and getting someone once a day to help with showering / cleaning / cooking / gardening (whatever is needed). “

I wouldn’t choose this moment to ‘throw it all back in his face’. You have been gradually increasing contact and not let him know how you feel. Treat this now as a practical issue - which it is , though obviously and understandably it has stirred up deep resentment against his careless abandonment.

It may be good, when the time is right, to unfold those issues with him. Tell him you missed him as a child and it felt odd to see him so rarely. Tell him it’s hard because you felt you needed to support your mum who struggled with poverty and single parenthood. Just tell him how it felt from your pov. But without blame or criticism: he will either take that on for himself or he won’t.

How old are your parents, for heaven’s sake?

You can never bank on wills though.

My friend's (very wealthy) dad did something similar to the OP's, although he paid some maintenance and her mother got enough money in the divorce to buy a modest house for her and their 2 kids. He always told friend and her sibling that all his children (he had a child with his 2nd wife) would be treated equally in his will.

When he died, it turned out he'd made a new will a couple of years earlier, when they sold their £2.5m house and bought a posh flat, and everything went to his second wife and her child. Friend and her DB got £500 each!

I’m going against the grain here from much of the advice given about explaining to your Dad and his wife why you won’t be providing care and saying don’t explain anything to them. Your Dad and his wife, considering your history with them, have extremely unrealistic expectations given their own behaviour historically. To me they sound very high in narcissistic traits. Based on that I think you will get a lot of pushback if you try to explain why you won’t be caring for them. I think simply saying “that isn’t the relationship we have” Without going into any further details is best.

There is a rule with narcissistic sorts that you don’t JADE with them. That means don’t justify, argue, defend or explain anything to them because it just opens you up to get in to a well rehearsed pattern of behaviour from their life where they use well worn manipulation tactics against your arguments against you to try to get their way via manipulation.

I grew up in a fairly similar situation to you OP and I think some of the ‘Swivel’ responses aren’t really getting how complex this is for you.

In the end my father didn’t have a partner but he did require care and I didn’t give it and I don’t regret that. He was a leech whose only thought was for himself.

I did offer some practical alternatives and maybe you could do the same.

I am taking it that you don’t want to take the scorched earth route so I would suggest the following

• meet or call your dad and say that you are sorry their health is so bad but you can’t give the support they need
• if they need lifts XYZ taxi services are good.
• if they need food delivery suggest he organise tesco or other delivery
• meals can be delivered by XYZ service locally

Explain that your life is busy and after all these years you can commit to a once every two weeks visit but that’s it.

If he responds negatively then you have a clear answer here - he just wants care and doesn’t care how he gets it.

Good look OP and hold your line!

I think just be limited with the help. Ie. Stop answering the calls. If questioned about it tell them you switch your phone off when working or relaxing. If they complain that you are not helping enough tell them you don't have much time and surely the children will want to help them. You shouldn't need to spell out for them that their relationship to you is different because of your dad's actions and I would avoid this if you can. Keep it neutral bit distant as it will be less trouble.

he used to claim he didn’t have the means

Tell them you don't have the means and offer to supply phone numbers of those that do

So he basically abandoned you and your mum then chose to lie about his finances leaving your mum struggling. You barely saw him and his new wife for decades.
from these bare facts, I don’t think you have any obligation to help beyond the bare minimum. Unless you want to encourage more contact. But he wasn’t there for you from age 8.

My elderly parents can't do any of that, their electronic gadgets are just not up to date enough and they won't spend to upgrade.

Use of current technology has therefore got away from them. Just yesterday, when my DM said she can't/hasn't used her new airfrier ( bought as a gift for them by someone else), I suggested she used ‘google’ for recipes. Her response ‘I can't ‘google’.

They would also struggle physically to put away a large online shop.
No Uber near them either.