Elderly dad and wife expect me to care for her

[Adrienne23]

My dad left home for his now wife of 50 years when I was 8 years old and they by and large lived their own very comfortable lives together, seeing me around 4 times a year until my teens, then we saw very little of one and other aside from speak on the phone twice a month or so. My mother raised me in relative poverty with not much financial support from my dad at the time he used to claim he didn’t have the means and we only discovered in recent years that he and his wife were far better off than they said they were. My mother passed away nearly 10 years ago from a long illness and I was her main support, although she tried very hard to maintain her independence and not lean on me unless absolutely necessary mainly in order to protect my emotional and physical well being.
I started to see more of my dad since my mothers death and increased communication considerably during lockdown. In the past few months his wife has been diagnosed with cancer and they now both absolutely expect me to provide all sorts of support and care for them both as my dad’s health is also poor. I am starting to feeling incredibly resentful. I worked hard on myself following my mother’s death, getting a new job, social life, etc, but I am still deeply affected by the loss. The level of support my dad and his wife expect from me far exceeds the support my mum expected (or received) from me, I get calls and messages about the health condition of both, several times a day irrespective of what I am doing, demands to drive to and from appointments, visit the house, messages that seem urgent and can’t wait only to just want to chat about themselves, and so on. How can I draw boundaries now before I am completely consumed by them and their needs to the detriment of my own?

Can you read? DID you read ALL the OP's post? My guess would be "Barely" and "No".

I'll help you out by summarising it in (mostly) words of 2 syllables or less:

OP's "father" (and that is being kind because he certainly didn't act like a father), had an adulterous (sorry, more than 2 syllables there.....) affair and left his wife and child high and dry to be with his mistress. He allowed his own child to live in poverty whilst he enjoyed a nice lifestyle with his new wife snd HER children. He treated his step-children far better than he treated his own child. Fast forward 50 years and after caring for her own mother through her final illness, OP finally has time to build a life of her own. However, "father's" wife is now ill and he isn't in good health either, and to the surprise of no one, his step children, the ones he cherished instead of his own daughter, don't want to know. So who does he expect.to drop everything and jump in to save the day? That's right, that very same daughter that he didnt give a single thought to all those years ago!

So: "Were they so cold hearted in your upbringing?". If you'd been able to read the post properly you would have seen that he abandoned his family and left them in poverty. That seems pretty cold hearted to me.

"You clearly have no feelings of affection, not even a sense of duty". Why should she? Where were HIS feelings of affection or sense of duty when his daughter needed him as a child?

"The only reason you stay in contact at all is for your inheritance". Do you often find yourself adding fictional narratives to other people's experiences? Might want to take a look at that bad habit...

"Have the decency to tell them that so that they can make alternative arrangements in their will". You REALLY think they'll have made ANY provision at for her in their will!?? Are you living in cloud cuckoo land? He wouldn't even support her during her childhood, when it was really needed, you honestly think he's going to bother about her now!?

"You are not the adult, you are the spoilt teenage brat who thinks other people exist merely to be used". Exactly HOW is OP "using" her father? And exactly HOW is she spoilt? HE certainly didn't act in an adult manner when he abandoned her, so why does she have to suddenly act like he's the best thing since sliced bread?

"If my children treated me as you appear to treat your parents, they’d be written out of my will straight away". One would hope that you would not run out on your children when they were dependant on you and vulnerable and refuse to support them! And OP hasn't treated her "parents" in any manner. She treated her MOTHER, the parent who actually ACTED like a parent SHOULD act, extremely well. She cared for her, putting her own life to the side, right to the end. Her "father" doesn't deserve that title and the woman he married is NOT OP's "parent" in any way, shape or form.

You really need to learn to read properly. Then you need to learn to read ALL the information before jumping in with both size nines.....

Why is it that the default position of so many MNers is to be unforgiving and to rip families apart based on minimal information? That might be appropriate for the OP if she chooses, but the fact that she has taken the trouble to post here suggests she wouldn't be entirely happy with that solution. Otherwise she would simply walk away.

I've expressed one perspective based on my experience of how people can change when they're facing end of life and why, and also based on my own experience that to carry bitterness can lead to regrets, sadness and lack of closure when the cause/target of the bitterness has gone.

You don't have to share my point of view and that's fine, though I think your hard line might change as you age yourself...

I think you need to look at this situation rather pragmatically and try not to be emotional (super hard, I know). He may try emotional blackmail. He'll pull on heart strings. Tell you no one else can help, he's on his own etc etc.

What you need to remember, is what he has done for you. How he made you feel. How his actions impacted upon your life. This doesn't mean you have to be awful to him, but you can use it to gauge what you need to do. Think about how much support you are willing to give, if any, and then outline this very clearly with him. If he threatens to cut contact or criticises your boundaries, or tries to make you feel bad - see it for what it is - manipulation. A way to get you to do what he wants you to. You seem to have sacrificed a lot already, and you did what you could for your mum. It is not unreasonable or selfish in this situation to continue to build your life and improve your personal circumstances. If he does not understand or respect this, then perhaps it's time to re-evaluate your relationship with him. X

Relationships here in France (I'm an expat American living in France almost 6 years now) between children and their parents are a whole lot different than in the States. In the US, kids often leave home at 18, for college, jobs or the military, and often have little to do with their parents except on holidays, whereas the French, at least from what I've observed, take the approach that Mom and Dad took care of me when I was little so it's my turn now to give back. I see lots of old people accompanying really old people on weekend outings. My French girlfriend calls her mother every day and brings her over for holidays and birthdays. Mom lives about two and a half hours away from the rest of the family, so when she comes over, she usually stays for a few days. Mom is a vigorous and healthy 92 years old.

Your situation seems a lot different, both by your parents' behavior as well as yours. Did you try to keep in touch with them after you grew up, spend time with them on weekends, help with shopping or little tasks around the house? Or did they prefer to be left alone to do their thing and now want help from you? I'm trying to understand the family dynamic before your stepmom came into the picture and suggest you reflect on that. Maybe it's possible that they got signals from you that you just wanted to do your thing and be left alone.

I don't see any evidence that the father has changed now that he faces the end of his life. All I see is a thoroughly selfish man who abandoned his young daughter and wife and left them in poverty, barely saw the daughter for many decades and is now making constant demands. Did you actually read what @Adrienne23 wrote? This is a list of utterly selfish demands. They are not and have never been interested in her, they just want her to run around after them now that are frail and listen to their monologues.

'The level of support my dad and his wife expect from me far exceeds the support my mum expected (or received) from me, I get calls and messages about the health condition of both, several times a day irrespective of what I am doing, demands to drive to and from appointments, visit the house, messages that seem urgent and can’t wait only to just want to chat about themselves, and so on.'

The OP lovingly cared for her very loving and unselfish mother but has not had a relationship with her father, through his choice, for decades. She has no reason to suddenly start now that he has decided that he wants to use her as his skivvy.

As I'm already a pensioner, I don't think my views will change. If OP's father and step-mother had shown even a scrap of remorse for their treatment of OP when she was a child and were trying to make amends, forgiveness might be appropriate. Many men leave marriages as a result of an affair but most of them don't completely abandon the children of the marriage. OP hasn't mentioned them apologising for their former actions and behaviour towards her and her mum.

There is no evidence that her dad and stepmother have changed as they're facing end of life. They are only in contact with OP because now they need something. There is no obligation for children to care for parents in their own age, even if they had a wonderful childhood. People can choose to do this but it should never be expected. To basically abandon your child and to then expect them to care for you (and the stepmother that was the reason for OP's dad leaving the marriage) is cruel and entitled.

I don't think that OP is bitter at all. She is obviously a lovely person and she cared for her mum through a long illness until she died. She is conflicted now because she is a kind person but she really doesn't owe these selfish people anything.

For those taking about inheritance, OP would be foolish to expect anything to come her way, given past history, and even if it did, would it be worth it? She went through the ringer with her mum and cannot face the thought of caring for these 2 very demanding people especially given she's 10 yrs older than when she last did this, and for someone she loved and respected.

Her step mother might inherit from the father by outliving him (he's in poor health himself) and may have settled her estate on members of her own family. OP would be taking a massive risk to her finances and peace of mind by engaging with these 2. If they are still well off they can buy in the help they need. No need for her to allow them to car crash her life for a second time.

You don't owe them anything. YANBU

You owe them nothing, OP. They made your and DM’s lives unnecessarily hard, and you’ve been kinder to them than I would have been. You are conscientious and generous, but don’t let them take advantage of you again.

Just say No, simple as that and definitely don’t start doing things as that will be the thin end of the wedge and taken as an invitation to ask you to do more.
if you feel inclined to justify yourself, which you don’t have to, just say this woman is not your mother you owe her nothing.
Good luck to you and do not allow yourself to be bullied or emotionally blackmailed into anything you don’t want to do.

I am In The middle of cancer treatment. The offer to take to appointments was very helpful but otherwise I need no extra support

You're feeling resentment because of his abandonment of your mum. That really is daft. It was 50 years ago. Relationships break down you miss your mum and that's why you're feeling this way. understandable.

Do what you can , that's the right thing to do but be aware that if they can't drive to appointments there is usually a pick up service provided by the hospital (although if I'm honest the fact my children drive me really made my treatment far less traumatic) it's a scary time

Yes, of course I read it - how odd that you think if anyone has a different viewpoint to yours it can only be because they are misinformed!

We both created different possible (because neither of us knows the entire picture for sure) scenarios in our heads. You've gone for the nuclear option based on limited info, my suggestion, based on the same limited info, allows for the opportunity of leaving the door open whilst taking the pressure off the OP.

I'm happy with my point of view, but thank you. At the end of the day neither of our viewpoints matter unless the OP chooses to take either suggestion on board. After all, this isn't a win or lose game show.

Incidentally, my father did much the same thing as I was growing up. I was with him when he died 5 years ago and we parted on good terms. It happens.

I think you are projecting because of your own specific experience.
Nearly everyone else on this thread has also gone 'nuclear' according to you, having read the same version of events.
If a parent does as the OP's father or your father did and then spends time and makes the effort to make up for their behaviour, takes responsibility and apologies in a heartfelt way, that is one thing. I have a close friend, for example, whose father was physically, emotionally and financially abusive to her mother, resulting in the marriage failing and the mother having to provide for her children. Fortunately, this father took the time and effort to repair the relationship, apologised many times and has been a much better grandfather than he was father. She now supports him in his old age. This is not that type of situation. They are simply taking advantage of the OP's good nature. There is nothing to suggest that they have changed at all and are still entirely selfish.

He abandoned OP as well as her mum and left them both in poverty by lying about his wealth to justify his meagre financial support. He saw OP 4 times a year as a child and stopped seeing her at all once she reached her teens.

I'm assuming that you were a good mum to your children and so they are happy to help you. OP is obviously conflicted but most posters agree that she doesn't owe them anything and that they are cheeky and entitled to expect her to provide care.

Well actually I gave a similar story to the op. He didn't abandon her. He left her mum, he still continued to see her.
My dad didn't see me for a decade. I still took him to his bloody chemo. I would do that for a stranger!

Oh my God 🤦‍♀️ There. Is. No. Definitive. Answer. To. This. Situation, no matter how desperately you want to be right, and no matter how many points you score because you've counted how many other people share your view.

You are not right; I am not right. You are not privy to all considerations relating to the OP's situation (or mine); I am not privy to all considerations relating to the OP's situation. Your opinion doesn't matter; my opinion doesn't matter. It's for the OP to decide what is or isn't appropriate and what she ultimately chooses to do.

You've decided I'm projecting. I've decided that your insistence that you are right about someone else's situation and what they must do about it and that people who disagree with you are wrong is not normal, and I suggest you might benefit from help with that.

There's a big difference between that and taking on all the care needs for a couple.

Relax @Pupinskipops. Stop trying to twist the situation and pretending that I am insisting on anything at all. I can see that you find disagreement a real struggle, hence writing in such a foolish, patronising way 'Oh my God 🤦‍♀️ There. Is. No. Definitive. Answer. To. This. Situation' and making gaslighting remarks 'I suggest you might benefit from help with that'.

Obviously, it's up to the OP what she does or does not do and obviously real life has nuances (I already gave the example of my friend). But this is AIBU. People ask for opinions and people discuss and disagree on here. That is the purpose of this board. If you can't handle disagreement, stick to different areas on MN instead of trying to twist what has been written and making unfounded accusations.

I'll add that he only saw her 4 times a year and pretended to have a lack of money in order to avoid paying proper maintenance: "My mother raised me in relative poverty with not much financial support from my dad at the time he used to claim he didn’t have the means and we only discovered in recent years that he and his wife were far better off than they said they were."

I've been a carer. It's bloody hard work on top of working full time and has a detrimental effect on your own health.

I've said previously that at one point, I was working full-time plus caring for both my parents and then my husband as well. I have longlasting health issues as a result.

In addition, I took my husband's ex to and from hospital for a procedure and I've taken elderly neighbours to hospital. I absolutely would not step up to be the sole carer for any of them. In particular, I told my late husband that I wouldn't be the carer for his ex who - quite frankly - had treated the pair of us in an atrocious manner. No, I wasn't the OW - she had acquired another man and is currently with her 4th partner. As is the case with the OP's stepmother, the ex has two adult children who have no interest of stepping up, but were very happy for me to do all the caring for their father - I have no problem with that - but were obviously hopeful that I'd do the same for their mother.

Bluntly, the stepmother is not the OP's problem. Given her father's lack of support of her, I don't blame her for keeping her distance. She's already acted as carer for her beloved mother and will be suffering from grief and exhaustion.

It's unreasonable to expect her to step up for two people who showed no care for her.

Thanks for proving my point yet again.

You are defending the indefensible (OP's dad's and step mum's behaviour) and being really rude to @borrowingtime

Resentment is due to abandonment of HER the OP too. It's not daft. That was her own father screwing up her childhood. The length of time is irrelevant. Doesn't sound like Dear Dad did much to make up for it in the intervening years. Relationships do break down but no excuse for abandoning your daughter

I have we to say I am truly flabbergasted at the posters who cannot see that this man (and his delightful enabling wife who benefitted greatly from his actions) abandoned the OP in every way possible: financially, physically, emotionally.

There is nothing decent about these two people - selfish, self-serving, greedy, and frankly monstrous..

I agree. If you read my post I said a lift to hospital and being supportive when receiving difficult news is a humane thing to do. I'm not suggesting she provides full time care