Elderly dad and wife expect me to care for her

[Adrienne23]

My dad left home for his now wife of 50 years when I was 8 years old and they by and large lived their own very comfortable lives together, seeing me around 4 times a year until my teens, then we saw very little of one and other aside from speak on the phone twice a month or so. My mother raised me in relative poverty with not much financial support from my dad at the time he used to claim he didn’t have the means and we only discovered in recent years that he and his wife were far better off than they said they were. My mother passed away nearly 10 years ago from a long illness and I was her main support, although she tried very hard to maintain her independence and not lean on me unless absolutely necessary mainly in order to protect my emotional and physical well being.
I started to see more of my dad since my mothers death and increased communication considerably during lockdown. In the past few months his wife has been diagnosed with cancer and they now both absolutely expect me to provide all sorts of support and care for them both as my dad’s health is also poor. I am starting to feeling incredibly resentful. I worked hard on myself following my mother’s death, getting a new job, social life, etc, but I am still deeply affected by the loss. The level of support my dad and his wife expect from me far exceeds the support my mum expected (or received) from me, I get calls and messages about the health condition of both, several times a day irrespective of what I am doing, demands to drive to and from appointments, visit the house, messages that seem urgent and can’t wait only to just want to chat about themselves, and so on. How can I draw boundaries now before I am completely consumed by them and their needs to the detriment of my own?

Becoming a carer for an elderly parent who brought you up can be seriously damaging to your own mental health, if you do not prioritise yourself, which becomes more and more difficult as you get drawn in. Elderly people develop certain characteristics but they creep up slowly. I referred to mine as the toddlers - demanding, self-centred, attention seeking etc.
The idea that you should be expected in any way to care for an elderly adult who did nothing to contribute to your upbringing is appalling, but frankly typical of the selfishness that develops. In your position I would back away fast and save yourself. You owe these people nothing at all.

That would be extremely easy for me: Father, you left me when I was 8. You did not pay for anything. Leave me alone now.

Just tell them that they need to sort stuff out themselves, you didn't do it for your mother so why would you do it for them, they could be offended but honestly, so what that would be their issue. That's it really and look after yourself.

My mum in her 70’s and Mil late 70’s couldn’t do any of that. My mum is scared of technology and can’t learn now as dementia is taking her memory.

It's a very small area and it's done in concert with a charity.

I first became aware of it after my late husband had his stroke: they actually provided a booklet with a list of services.

There are food delivery companies who have catalogues in local chemists. You phone and order frozen ready made meals. Age UK have a phone number and can also advise about local taxi firms you can phone.

You are very fortunate. Generally charities like Age UK will tell you what is available from local charities. But most places SS are struggling to meet their legal responsibilities and have no capacity to do anything extra.

Those meals are useless for anyone with dementia who’s forgotten how to operate a microwave.

I'm not willing to out myself, but I was surprised that - for example - the booklet named a local housing association as being willing to provide (for a modest fee) minor repairs for people over the age of 60. (The only criterion was that one person in the household had to be over that age.)

The only problem was that - the one time I phoned them - there was a substantial waiting list. I had had a shoulder op and needed someone to replace a fluorescent light for us. In the end I managed by using a mop, believe it or not. To this day, I don't know how I managed it.

I didn’t see any suggestion that the couple in question has dementia?

the meals are, however, fantastic for elderly folk who have carers. Carers can’t cook a full meal but can pop something in the microwave. The meals reduce the burden on family to do shopping and meal prep.

I know. They need meals on wheels

Yes, I used to order from Wiltshire Farm Foods for my parents. The carer would heat up and plate the meals.

It sounds like you live in a wealthy area with low levels of needs

And elderly people who can choose meals from catalogues, use the phone and a microwave can do it themselves

Good God, no! I'm in an area with multiple indicators of deprivation - a former coal mining area. It does, however, have a relatively small population.

Edited one word.

Yes. In the OP's case, the father would need to do this, of course.

Okay. Where I am there is very little. Even charities only meet the needs of the most in need without family support. Most people are on their own.

You need to explicitly lay down ground rules and let him know that it primarily because of how he treated you growing up..... you reap what you sow!

Or the step mother.

Tell them you can't answer calls or respond to messages immediately. Decide how often you will check messages and stick to that. You can make this once a day, once a week, once a year, never. Trying to meet their demands will only make you resentful and never compensate for previous behaviour. I would tell them my boundaries (possibly explaining why). You need to respect yourself and your memories of the mother who worked so hard to raise you.

Awful people... rid yourself of any guilt and do not give in.

This pair are utterly shocking. They did nothing for you as child when you needed love and attention and have shown no interest in you as an adult. They have weasled their way back into your life when you were vulnerable following the loss of your mother and they want you to run around after them now with multiple calls and demands every day. They don't deserve even a minute of your time and can pay for their own help.You owe them nothing @Adrienne23, nothing at all.

Do they have any children themselves or are you the only child?
If they have children they need to step up and care for their parents.
Don't be their unpaid carer, your father left you and your mum, he can't make up for all the years he was not present and you should not be made to feel guilty for not being at their beck and call!
I have learnt the hard way about family etc xx

Agreed. Self-centred people never change.

I come from a similar background- my step mother is 15 years younger than my Dad, so she cares for him. I help occasionally when the SM wants to go to a wedding or other family event. I would definitely not help on a day to day basis though. I would point out to your Dad he did not support you when you needed it, so why does he think you should support him? You have to tell them you don't have time and they need to make other arrangements for appointments and so on- I'm afraid this has to be tackled head on, as it will only get worse.