Elderly dad and wife expect me to care for her

[Adrienne23]

My dad left home for his now wife of 50 years when I was 8 years old and they by and large lived their own very comfortable lives together, seeing me around 4 times a year until my teens, then we saw very little of one and other aside from speak on the phone twice a month or so. My mother raised me in relative poverty with not much financial support from my dad at the time he used to claim he didn’t have the means and we only discovered in recent years that he and his wife were far better off than they said they were. My mother passed away nearly 10 years ago from a long illness and I was her main support, although she tried very hard to maintain her independence and not lean on me unless absolutely necessary mainly in order to protect my emotional and physical well being.
I started to see more of my dad since my mothers death and increased communication considerably during lockdown. In the past few months his wife has been diagnosed with cancer and they now both absolutely expect me to provide all sorts of support and care for them both as my dad’s health is also poor. I am starting to feeling incredibly resentful. I worked hard on myself following my mother’s death, getting a new job, social life, etc, but I am still deeply affected by the loss. The level of support my dad and his wife expect from me far exceeds the support my mum expected (or received) from me, I get calls and messages about the health condition of both, several times a day irrespective of what I am doing, demands to drive to and from appointments, visit the house, messages that seem urgent and can’t wait only to just want to chat about themselves, and so on. How can I draw boundaries now before I am completely consumed by them and their needs to the detriment of my own?

As someone in the same situation, I can see where some of the folks saying 'think of the inheritance' are coming from. But you really do have to ask what price self-respect, too. Personally I'm not prepared to play nurse for mine for the sake of a vanishingly unlikely inheritance, but then in my case there are much-favoured stepsons who will, I'm sure, be walking away with the goodies even if I were to do everything care-wise and them nothing - so maybe it's simpler for me. Sometimes saying 'sod the (possible) inheritance' is the price you have to pay to lose the bastards and free yourself from a misplaced sense of obligation. God knows I survived without my spineless father's money so far, and so did you, OP. That freedom is cheap at twice the price imo.

If these two people are in such ill health now, there probably won’t be an inheritance - it’ll be swallowed up in care fees. In OP’s case that’s probably as it should be - anything else involves OP shouldering the responsibility. Better to let the appropriate authorities do that and get on with her life.

Problem is that at some point one or both of them will likely end up needing full time care, and there goes the inheritance !!

Inheritance isn't everything . I handed mine back from grandparents , no contact with my father so no inheritance from him

Bluntly, OP might finish up working her socks off and still being left with nothing when it becomes untenable and they have to go into a home.

I think I'd do this route
.

There are two options say no and find a way to manage future communication - email looked at once a week or vert extreme NC or say sorry can't help with that and push them towards services - local taxi - hospital transport.

My parents could use internet for shopping and set up hospital transport or taxis. My IL can get friends to help with transport and do some thing but MIL especially can't use a computer at all.

Meal delivery less a thing than it once was - now more frozen meals dropped off but parcel box do freeze dried that can go in cupboards.

You can also try set times for phone calls or visits -so less pulling you into more and more support and more you setting out what you can do.

"You chose your new wife and money over a relationship with me when I was a child and Mum and I really needed you. So now you can use your saved money and look to your wife's family for your care needs. I'm likely to be quite busy for the next few months so I'll probably next be available for a coffee or day out in late February at the earliest."

I have experience a bit like this, inheritance was dangled but I decided no amount of money was worth the stress.
Honestly I dreaded visiting. It was a relief when I allowed myself to stop. I do feel guilty as they are quite isolated but I just couldn’t continue.

I would see it as a contribution to living costs than a salary.

I would say something like, "Dad I love you and appreciate you are of ill health but it's unreasonable to expect that I can be a carer for you or your wife. I appreciate that I was a carer for my mother but, with all due respect, your wife is not my mother. I'm more than happy to spend some time helping you research resources and home support to help but the expectations that you and your wife have of me are far too high. I can't just visit at the drop of a hat, I can't just run around taking you to appointments and your constant expectations are affecting my job, my life and my mental health. We can sit down and look at options for transport for appointments and for support in the home but the current situation cannot continue"

This.

Good luck, op. I feel for you. You deserved a much better dad.

I like this option too.

Tell them sorry but they will get the level of support they offered your mother, nothing financially and 4 visits a year when convenient for you. If they are lucky you may pick up the phone twice a month. Just say no.

You just have to say “no, I’m not doing that” and mean it.

He’s a CF if he thinks he can rely on you now when he’s not been there for you through your childhood. His / their demands are only going to increase. Save yourself a lot of heartache by going LC or even NC.

If he abandoned an eight year old 50 years ago, he’s at least 80 and probably hasn’t a clue about Uber or online shopping.

My father is 92 and manages to call uber and fo quite a bit of online shopping.

Good for him. He’s an outlier.

I think this sums things up nicely OP. So, the next time they summons you, or ask for help, if you don't feel you can say the words and stick to them, just copy this onto a text, email or letter, and send it to them. They can't argue against the truth, and if they don't like it, tough, I don't imagine you liked being left to struggle in near poverty whilst growing up, but you had to get on with it, now it's their turn. Oh, and above all DON'T feel guilty!! They've brought it on themselves.

I'd agree not many 90 yos could manage online shopping.

But if these two are struggling with shopping and cooking they might be better with a food service like Wiltshire foods which are designed for elderly people.

Only way I would do some limited duties would be if he passed some of your inheritance to you now or put the house in trust for you, or some other guaranteed method.

Does the wife have dc if her own?

Be unavailable
Stop answering their calls at inconvenient times. Or when you don't feel strong enough to say no, F off.

You could block them temporarily.

Get a therapist too - to help you say no

And, if necessary, go NC or even LC.

It's unfair and you don't owe either of them anything.

"You must be joking", or even "fuck off", or "what goes around comes around" or a good old "no" all work.
Just because he provided A Single Sperm however many years ago, doesn't make you indebted to him. People out themselves out, and help, and care, for their l loved ones, not people with a tenuous connection who added to their (and their mother's) burdens in life.

Beautifully put. "Your relationship simply does not have the roots and depth".

That message would be appropriate if OP's dad had been even minimally caring and loving towards his daughter but he wasn't. The contact with OP that her dad has recently initiated is purely out of self-interest. He wants an unpaid carer for himself and his wife, having pretty much abandoned OP and her mum financially and emotionally when she was a child.

If she wants to send that sort of message, I would advise her to remove the 'Dad I love you' as that will open her up to even more manipulation from this awful couple.

How can I draw boundaries now before I am completely consumed by them and their needs to the detriment of my own?

Have any of the suggestions on this thread resonated with you @Adrienne23 - do you feel able to put together a plan going forward of what boundaries would help you and what support if any you feel you need to implement and maintain going forward?