To ask if you know anyone personally who got pregnant by lying about contraception?

[Pavemw]

Just that, really. I have an extremely close friend who confided in me at new year that her 11 year old dd wasn’t actually an accident. I have known her half my life and our kids are friends. She was with this man for a short time and the relationship did not last the pregnancy although he does see his dd and has been pretty good to my friend financially.

I can’t get my head around it. This is someone who I go to for advice. She’s always empathetic and kind. I can’t even believe she would have done it and I don’t know why it’s bothering me as much as it is. I don’t know her ex, haven’t seen him in many years. I almost feel she’s lied to me too, which I know is silly. She said she was late 30s, had been told her fertility wasn’t great and had had enough of being messed around by men, so when this next one seemed keen to commit she just went for it. I know she has been treated badly in the past and has always put her heart out there only to be messed about or strung along so I can almost feel how frustrated she would have been but… to do this? I can’t imagine it as I had my two in a happy marriage. Maybe I being horribly judgmental. I can’t reconcile this with who I thought she was all these years. Am I being dramatic?!

Saying “it’s just different” when talking about theft of consent and overriding somebody’s informed consent really isn’t good enough as an explanation.

You can fight for equity when equity is possible and it is possible to view contraception sabotage and theft of consent as the same whether done by a woman or a man.

Ok what if a man told his wife he got a vasectomy but he never got it done? And then she got pregnant? Was it her responsibility to take her own contraception?

It's an interesting article that's relevant to the issues being debated in this thread. That's all.

We know that's your opinion. Saying it again doesn't make it any more persuasive.

The only way a man can be sure of contraception is to use a condom or have a vasectomy.

Until they invent a male contraceptive pill, men either need to wrap it up or accept the consequences.

I never used contraception with my ex as he had had a vasectomy he said. If it turned out he lied would I still hold accountability?

True. Agree with this tbh . But presumably lots of punters on this thread would have no problem with that kind of deceit? Is that rape too?
What about all the men who enjoy the advantages of having a relationship, having sex with a woman for years, all the while pretending they’ll be ready for a baby soon while whittling away her fertile years? deceitful? Rape?

No equivalence between men and women when it comes to reproduction

Because women get pregnant and men don’t.

DH’s ex-GF told both men she was sleeping with that she was on the pill when she wasn’t, because she thought she “couldn’t get pregnant as she didn’t with her ex-husband”. I know, both men should have also taken precautions, but neither did. Their second DC was the result of a split condom. Apparently DH has super-sperm.

Never? The first times you slept with him, you just took his word for it that he couldn’t get you pregnant, and assumed he didn’t have any STDs?

I am not trying to “persuade”.

I have said I completely understand that there are people who do not believe in fully informed consent (you being one).

On this threads it’s those people who have been trying to convince others that theft of consent is ok as long as it is a woman doing that.

I an not trying to change any minds on that but am also fine with a man being absent from the life of a child conceived in that manner.

Can you please point out where the words “the first time I slept with him” and “I assumed he had not STDs” are in that post.

Anywhere?

Thanks.

I never used contraception with my ex

You have no answered the question. Is it ok for me to rely on my partner’s word as a form of contraception and not invest in my own?

And?

Women can also easily end pregnancies and men cannot.

What about a woman who secretly takes contraception without her partner’s knowledge? Rape?

Yes, you would still be accountable for any resultant pregnancy. He would be accountable for supporting the child.

But equally he would have zero choice in whether you kept or aborted the pregnancy.

Fair point - my bad and I see the confusion.

I was talking about me personally using contraception.

When we first got together we used condoms. He had told me he had a vasectomy more to let me know upfront that he had no desire for more children.

Then when we were serious and had STI checks. We stopped using condoms and I trusted that when he told me he had had a vasectomy that he was not lying.

According to posters if I were a man in that situation I should still be using my own contraception so I want to know if they think I was stupid for also not being on the pill.

It has been invented but the side effects (that were the same as the side effects for women) were too much so they stopped the trials. Men reported mood swings, acne, weight gain etc.

Would I be stupid for not being on the pill?

There we go 😂 🙄.
Ahhh those poor poor men.

I would say too trusting.

Everyone should have agency.

Would anyone support these girls having children by sperm donation? I suspect not. The only difference is that they have managed to get a stupid boy involved as well, who then has to support them for 20 years, as you say. Completely indefensible.

No one is forcing the boys to have unprotected sex with them.