To ask if you know anyone personally who got pregnant by lying about contraception?

[Pavemw]

Just that, really. I have an extremely close friend who confided in me at new year that her 11 year old dd wasn’t actually an accident. I have known her half my life and our kids are friends. She was with this man for a short time and the relationship did not last the pregnancy although he does see his dd and has been pretty good to my friend financially.

I can’t get my head around it. This is someone who I go to for advice. She’s always empathetic and kind. I can’t even believe she would have done it and I don’t know why it’s bothering me as much as it is. I don’t know her ex, haven’t seen him in many years. I almost feel she’s lied to me too, which I know is silly. She said she was late 30s, had been told her fertility wasn’t great and had had enough of being messed around by men, so when this next one seemed keen to commit she just went for it. I know she has been treated badly in the past and has always put her heart out there only to be messed about or strung along so I can almost feel how frustrated she would have been but… to do this? I can’t imagine it as I had my two in a happy marriage. Maybe I being horribly judgmental. I can’t reconcile this with who I thought she was all these years. Am I being dramatic?!

If the trust in your relationship is influenced on what other people do then there isn't trust in your relationship.

Yes, my mother.

I am the result.

Christ knows why she thought it was a good idea to tell me when I was a young teen (and remind me on several occasions over the years).

I think in a twisted way she thought it was a way of telling me how much she wanted me. But of course it also told me just how much my father didn't want me. They were separated at that point and my relationship with him was already quite distant.

She was/is very manipulative and emotionally immature. Unsurprising I am quite LC with her.

The man most certainly has a choice to begin with.

I worked with a girl years ago who went on holiday with her boyfriend.
Came back pregnant, so it transpired a while later.
She told me that the condom they were using had split, but her boyfriend 'didn't tell her until they got home so it wouldn't spoil her holiday'.
I mean, seriously? Wouldn't you notice?!

This! She is labelled as the one doing the trapping when the reality is that he wants someone to blame for the situation.

I agree

One results in harm of the other person. Harming someone is not ok. The other doesn't.

No trust because posters are saying ALL men shouldn't trust what any woman says when it comes to contraception.

My brother's ex fiancée did this. Love my niece and wouldn't swap her for anything but her mother is a horrible woman who ruined my brother's life and continues to try to do so in any way she can. Her own family don't even like her. Says a lot.

Why is it so wrong for woman to want babies? Isn’t that what we are supposed to do? Raise the next generation?

Of course it’s not wrong to want babies. But it is massively wrong to seek to have one by deceit with a man who does not want one.

I bet my ex tells people this.

But he knew we werent using any contraceptives!

Either party lying to achieve a pregnancy is disgraceful. Having a child change your life completely and no one should ever be tricked into that. I don't care if it's a man or a woman doing the tricking. It's vile

Not really related but this sort of thing is why I tell my DS (and will tell my DD when she's old enough) that contraception/safe sex is YOUR responsibility. Not the other person's. Yours. They are responsible for theirs. You are responsible for yours. She might say she's on the pill but that's her covering herself, not covering you. You cover yourself (literally).

If you follow this rule, you can't really be tricked into pregnancy.

I don't think your reaction is OTT. It says something about her moral compass. My close friends, I like to think are 'good people' and it's important to me that I share my core values with them if we're confiding in each other/asking for advice etc. Some things I can ignore, but this is a pretty significant ethical lapse and would change how I thought about her. I wouldn't cut off the friendship but I'd probably downgrade her mentally - I just wouldn't be able to trust her judgement in the same way.

This is terrifying

My mum's partner lied to her saying some weird chemical test thing while in the army left him infertile. He was too young for any of the testing done in the 1950s. It was a complete and utter fabrication plus he had a daughter from a previous marriage.

His lies resulted in my little sister, swiftly followed by my little brother

I don't like to victim blame but how my mum fell for that crap not once, but twice, I will never understand.

Well maybe they shouldn't. Anyone can lie about anything. Only you can be the judge of whether you know that person well enough to take them at their word, but that's all it is.

I think a better way to look at it is all PEOPLE need to take a degree of responsibility for contraception. Even if a woman genuinely is on the pill it's not a guarantee, so really a condom or a vasectomy is belt and braces if you definitively don't want a baby.

Yes, One of my friends did this.

She married a guy who had an 8 year old Daughter. He didn't want any more children, but she didn't have any and she was in her late 30's.

She told him she was on the pill and fell pregnant a year later. She did the same thing again 5 years later as she wanted another one.

They're still married. I assume he doesn't know that she lied about taking the pill, although probably a bit more obvious when it happens twice!

No one is an angel. What is it they say... Every saint has a past, every sinner has a future?

I'm sure we've all got things we've done in our life we are ashamed of and which would shock others. It doesn't make us bad people. Just flawed.

@Sacredhandbag I don't think any woman who would even contemplate doing this is ashamed of it. On the contrary she probably thinks it's funny or she's proud she got one over on her partner and got what she wanted.

Well I wouldn't because it's been a symptom of something wrong in the relationship.

And my friendship and my loyalty to and from my friend trumps any mistakes on their part.

I don't judge my friends.

I think that's a huge and sweeping generalisation about a lot of people (this thread has made it quite clear men are culprits too) that you don't know.
People do all sorts of stupid things. Youngsters do things they wouldnt dream of as adults, mental health sometimes gets the better of people, people go through phases of feeling angry and bitter, and people change, all the time, and come to regret things they did earlier in life.

Lots of these people are good people in general but no-one is perfect, noone is without flaws.

I'm not condoing it in the slightest. It's always rephrehebsible. But saying everyone who has done this is an evil conniving witch who never regrets his/her actions for as long as they live is a bit silly.

Or maybe people could stop deceiving others? Seems like a nicer world to live in... and we need to stop normalising it and calling it out instead.

It would absolutely be a nicer world to live in. But it's not, is it? That's the reality.

It would be a nicer world if people didn't burgle houses. I'm still going to lock my doors.

I got pregnant at 16 by a older lad I had met who assured me I couldn't get pregnant during my first time. I was too embarrassed to get the morning after pill. Yes I know I was naive