To ask if you know anyone personally who got pregnant by lying about contraception?

[Pavemw]

Just that, really. I have an extremely close friend who confided in me at new year that her 11 year old dd wasn’t actually an accident. I have known her half my life and our kids are friends. She was with this man for a short time and the relationship did not last the pregnancy although he does see his dd and has been pretty good to my friend financially.

I can’t get my head around it. This is someone who I go to for advice. She’s always empathetic and kind. I can’t even believe she would have done it and I don’t know why it’s bothering me as much as it is. I don’t know her ex, haven’t seen him in many years. I almost feel she’s lied to me too, which I know is silly. She said she was late 30s, had been told her fertility wasn’t great and had had enough of being messed around by men, so when this next one seemed keen to commit she just went for it. I know she has been treated badly in the past and has always put her heart out there only to be messed about or strung along so I can almost feel how frustrated she would have been but… to do this? I can’t imagine it as I had my two in a happy marriage. Maybe I being horribly judgmental. I can’t reconcile this with who I thought she was all these years. Am I being dramatic?!

Excellent point.

Well that’s an assault on a body and Carrie’s an STF and pregnancy risk. Hardly the same as not taking the pill is it. Women can’t impregnate men by not taking the pill

This isn’t the same as a man KNOWS if he had a condom on or not. So will know if he is or isn’t wearing one… and how protected he is, for sure, against pregnancy.

There's quite a difference between a woman getting impregnated by an unsuspecting man, and a man impregnating a woman who doesn't want to be impregnated. Both are bad obviously.

A friend of my ex's once told us that she'd lied to her DH that it was safe to have unprotected sex as she'd just had her period even though she was actually at the mid-point of her cycle and was definitely fertile. That was when she conceived the third child that she wanted and he didn't.

You can’t trick a man into having a baby. He can use a condom.

I know a girl who said she was infertile and kept her affair child. No involvement from
the father, or her, really - DGMs did the child rearing.

Yep I’ve definitely known more than one person whose done this

Yes.

Me and DH got married in Greece. We took all our friends and family with us.

My then friend thought it would be really romantic to conceive a child while we were all away for the week.
So she secretly pulled out her coil.

My goddaughter was born 8.5 months later....

You seem to be suggesting that there's a big difference between a man not telling the truth about contraception to a woman versus a woman not telling the truth about contraception to a man. Yet both of those situations are ones where one of the parties was deliberately deceived, and both could result in a child that one of the parents doesn't want. Yet somehow one is an assault and the other is "meh".

@Pavemw

If there's no premeditated or subsequent extortion of finances/expectations of a relationship etc then I don't think it's anything to be horrified by. Ideally everyone would be more upfront etc but childlessness and ticking clocks are a real thing and can be utterly devastating - I don't think this means your friend is machiavellian at all, she's still all the good traits you love about her.

If a woman also uses the child as a pawn to get money or benefits then yes that's awful but that's a different situation and a different discussion.

Also: condoms.

Exactly!!!

DH and I have been together for 40 years this year. We were young when we got together.

We never had an accidental pregnancy. All three were very much planned. It's perfectly possible.

One for sure, my best friend. Do I agree with her choice? No. Does is impact our friendship? Also no.

I think one of the most important things we can impress on our sons is to take responsibility for their own contraception. There's only one way a man can prevent pregnancy and that's through abstinence, and 2 ways he can greatly reduce the risk - condoms or a vasectomy. Honestly I think adults should be responsible for their own contraception, and if they don't use it then should treat it as unprotected sex.

So often men shag merrily away, not even thinking about contraception and then get surprised when the woman gets pregnant.

I don't think my husband ever asks me if I've taken the pill tbh. He just assumes. I remember to take it everyday and if I forget I remember to tell him, every fucking day of my life and he never thinks about it. I wonder how many men who get 'tricked' are like my husband and just assume, and think not a jot about it day to day, expecting the women in their lives to take full responsibility for preventing pregnancy.

There are very few 'true' accidents. Contraception used properly is very effective.
There are the usual excuses such as "antibiotics" but no one really believes that these days
The number of women on here who end up with "unplanned" pregnancies after knowing someone 5 minutes is amazing.
However, buck stops with the man. He has the choice of using a condom and is always far too eager to not. If you are stupid enough to have unprotected sex but don't want a baby, don't whine afterwards about being 'tricked'
There is often one who DOESN'T want a baby more than the other. Then don't make it a possibility 🤷‍♀️

Yip, two people!

It's disgusting and I wouldn't hesitate to end a friendship over it. It's become far too normalised as is evidenced by this thread. It also has the potential to ruin trust and relationships for the rest of us who aren't baby-crazed liars. If I say I'm on the pill in a LT relationship that should be good enough but thanks to other women it's not. The man apparently always has to be thinking "she might be lying about the pill" what sort of relationship is that?!

Yes it is assault. Recognised by law. Do you understand why?

Yes a family member(not close)all of us that knew were not happy with her,the dad wanted nothing to do with her or their child,his parents were amazing and proper stepped up as Grandparents but I know that also caused issues with the Dad.

It was a really stupid thing to do and sadly a few people ended up paying a heavy price for what she did.

She ended up cutting contract with pretty much everyone years ago.

There is a difference though. Because the pill or the implant prevents pregnancy in women. That's all it does. It's really nothing to do with men. Men can wear condoms if they wish to not cause a pregnancy

A condom is a physical barrier, it prevents STIs. There's nothing a woman can do that can't be removed by a man during sex to prevent STIs

Yeah I know someone my ex husband he removed the condom as I can’t take the pill in any form we already had 3 of one sex and he wanted the other. I didn’t want a 4th. He decided one night to do this and was furious with him
I got the morning after pill and dumped the fucker not long after.

What a shit dad

It's got nothing to do with the friendship!!

I've had friends who've had affairs. No impact on me. No judgement from me either.

A lot of people (especially on here) would end a friendship over an affair. And that's not as bad as deceiving someone to have a kid they don't want.

A good friend of mine did it. She was obsessed with him, and just wouldn’t give up. Next thing she’s pregnant and they’re together.

Mind you, it all worked out and they’ve been happily together for years, so she was right about him.