To ask if you know anyone personally who got pregnant by lying about contraception?

[Pavemw]

Just that, really. I have an extremely close friend who confided in me at new year that her 11 year old dd wasn’t actually an accident. I have known her half my life and our kids are friends. She was with this man for a short time and the relationship did not last the pregnancy although he does see his dd and has been pretty good to my friend financially.

I can’t get my head around it. This is someone who I go to for advice. She’s always empathetic and kind. I can’t even believe she would have done it and I don’t know why it’s bothering me as much as it is. I don’t know her ex, haven’t seen him in many years. I almost feel she’s lied to me too, which I know is silly. She said she was late 30s, had been told her fertility wasn’t great and had had enough of being messed around by men, so when this next one seemed keen to commit she just went for it. I know she has been treated badly in the past and has always put her heart out there only to be messed about or strung along so I can almost feel how frustrated she would have been but… to do this? I can’t imagine it as I had my two in a happy marriage. Maybe I being horribly judgmental. I can’t reconcile this with who I thought she was all these years. Am I being dramatic?!

Then why did you say “women do everyday” in direct response to someone saying “You could give up a baby without a second thought?”. Genuine question.

When did I say “without a second thought”.

Can you cut and post me saying that?

Thanks.

My DDs dad thinks I did but I genuinely didn't!

I don’t think you can underestimate the biological urge to have children. People also have children with unsuitable people. some
people have children with known terminal illnesses too. It’s not great but it’s a biological urge that sometimes trumps social niceties and morality and probably always has. All very well to be morally offended but you are lucky you have not been in that position.

Whether it’s wrong or right you need to get a grip and get over it. The child is 11 and been on this earth 11 whole years and what has it got to do with you anyway? If she was newly pregnant and confided then yes but 11 years and your acting all shook over it. Get over it and it’s not actually your business or problem anyway you aren’t the father.

It was not for you so you don’t need to worry about understanding it.

Yes. My DP's sister. She was desperate for another child and we were all aware and her husband wasn't having any of it. They'd already agreed no more children.. they already had 3! She then magically fell pregnant once her youngest was 10 months whilst on 'contraception' and refused to terminate. We all knew she had done it on purpose but she still denies it. She also had never worked a day in her life, so her husband was on the breadline even though he had a really good job. They had to move to a bigger house, upgrade cars, everything - it ruined their marriage.

Especially in countries with limited access to contraception / strict abortion laws, it becomes the only option a woman who does not want the child has.

I've also had a man 'stealth' me. I firmly believe he was actively trying to get me pregnant. Of course we discussed prior to sex contraception and I told him that condoms were mine. Imagine my horror when I realised he had removed the condom and ejaculated inside me.

The same man had a child with a previous ex who he claimed had got pregnant without him consenting. Highly doubt it.

I’ve already copied and pasted what you said and you’ve avoided my questions.

I’ll simplify it, clearly it’s needed here: when you said “Women do everyday” what do you mean by “do”? Because it was in response to saying “giving up babies without a second thought”.

I think what’s happened here is you made a rather silly comment and then are trying to turn it round to make out two posters here claim adoption isn’t a thing. Rather embarrassing, really

I don’t know for sure but I suspect my friend did. She was desperate for a baby, talking baby names etc with me and talking about how much she felt ready to be a mum but her partner didn’t want a child yet. A few months later she was pregnant despite claiming to be using the pill. A few years later it happened again with her second child (different partner), she started to make noises about wanting a baby, wanting a sibling close in age to the eldest and didn’t want a big gap, partner said he wasn’t ready for a child yet but a few months later she was pregnant despite being on the pill. I suppose she could just be super fertile but it does seem odd her contraception always worked prior to these incidences and has done ever since. She’s never confided in me though and I’ve never asked so I can’t know for sure.

It’s not me with the problems understanding things here

Women carry children to term and have nothing to do with them. in response to somebody questioning whether a woman could choose or to be part of the life of a child she had “carried to term”. (In response to somebody saying they would not criticise a man for choosing not to be part of the life of a child he never wanted as they would never be mother to a child they never wanted.)

Follow the comments all the way from the start and it will be less confusing for you than jumping in mid way.

You did not cut and paste me saying “without a second thought”.

Do that and then we can talk.

My ex SIL specialised in "accidental" pregnancies. Had 3 "unplanned" kids with my brother. He was an idiot for not taking his own precautions and declaring with each new surprise pregnancy, "I don't know how the hell that happened".

Men seem moronically naive about how women get pregnant.

I have.

but it wasn’t in response to “You could carry a child then have nothing to do with to”. It was in response to “You could give up a child without a second thought”.

Do you see the difference or do I need to break it down further for you?

So you cannot C+P me saying “without a second thought”.

Got it.

That’s all.

You have been completely dismissive stating that women give up babies every day with no misgivings, remorse, emotional upset, call it whatever you want.

And I have said, I simply don't believe that the majority of women who surrender their babies for whatever reason do it in such an emotionless way as you suggest!

So a man's biological urge to sleep with lots of women trumps everything as well? You don't mind getting cheated on because he can't help it either? It's biology eh.

She could copy and paste any of your posts.

Nope, you didn't literally say, "without a second thought" but it was what you implied.

The implication of your posts was that women coldly give up their babies and don't care or suffer at all.

I refuse to believe that this is the case.

Yes l know someone who l am pretty sure did this - her dh already had a child but he wasn't fussed about having more.

They had the baby, got married and are still together now - all good from what l know.

I also agree with a pp, the biological urge can be very strong so no judgment here and actually men can take more responsibility with contraception if they are that adamant.

Yes, my mother to trap my father. He was her way out of her family. It was very common for women and girls historically to do these things.

My ExH was convinced the mother of his dd had lied to him. I became quite close to her after my divorce and absolutely believe she did it on purpose, she almost let it slip one night after a few drinks. He was so paranoid about it he was convinced I was going to lie and get pregnant on purpose too.

I know many a good 20+ women who have said contraception failed, I believe maybe 10% a further 35% just messed up their contraception and 55% I believe absolutely lied.

I can copy and paste you directly responding affirming your belief that “without a second thought” happens.

Im at a loss as to what you’re not understanding? Why did you say “women do everyday” if that’s not what you meant?

It’s like me responding to a post saying “You think some people slap women about happily” and me saying “Men do every day” then going “Whaaat? I never said men slap women about, where did you get that from.”

@ShesNotACowShesAFox so they’re supposed to be abstinent in their marriages too? What fucking nonsense. If a woman tells her husband she’s taking precautions and then doesn’t that’s not on him that’s on her - it’s an appalling thing to do but I bet it’s a lot more common than most people would admit.

My mum found out my dad was having an EA and likely preparing to leave so she "accidentally" got pregnant. Accident is now in his 30s and my parents have been together for almost 50 years.

My mum told me this detail years ago when she had had too much to drink. Still blows my mind. I can't ever imagine being so duplicitous.