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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Doesn’t ever work out with the OW

542 replies

Wishiwasjapanese · 03/01/2025 15:52

Just that really. When your husbands have cheated and left you for the OW has it ever worked out?

OP posts:
changecandles · 03/01/2025 22:08

@Tink3rbell30
Hush now 🤫

Tink3rbell30 · 03/01/2025 22:10

changecandles · 03/01/2025 22:08

@Tink3rbell30
Hush now 🤫

Nope I won't be.

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/01/2025 22:11

OOOtil2025 · 03/01/2025 21:31

Yes to this. Architects, law firms, bankers (think wealth asset experts as opposed to behind a counter on the high street). Not all - but I’d say maybe just under half of those I’ve worked with were having affairs and not being particularly careful. I doubt most of their wives were aware. I didn’t see any of them divorce and move in with their affair partner though.

I have known some of these too, and I think its almost seen as a part of the lifestyle. Big house, wife, kids, great hols, fantastic lifestyle, bit on the side.....

I suspect that in certain circles not having a side piece is as shocking as having an affair is to most most people.

Hyperbowl · 03/01/2025 22:12

Nope, it came out that he had cheated on OW about three months into their relationship for about 4 years and she found out and left him. I’m not convinced all of these OW “success” relationship stories aren’t just because one partner has gotten really clever at hiding the fact that they are or have cheated on their new partner but the other one just hasn’t found out yet. Either that or they know and just put up with it anyway. There must be an awful lot of mistrust and jealousy that runs through these sorts of relationships because how on earth can you trust the word and intentions of a cheater? If they can do with it you they can do it to you as easily enough. 🤷🏻‍♀️

InterIgnis · 03/01/2025 22:18

Tink3rbell30 · 03/01/2025 21:41

That's what I've experienced and believe so it's pointless people trying to argue with me about it. Even comments saying cheaters do not ever get anything bad happening in return, of course they do.

No one said that.

What was said is that you can’t guarantee anything either way, same as with any relationship no matter how it starts 🤷🏻‍♀️

Tink3rbell30 · 03/01/2025 22:20

InterIgnis · 03/01/2025 22:18

No one said that.

What was said is that you can’t guarantee anything either way, same as with any relationship no matter how it starts 🤷🏻‍♀️

Several people did make comments such as cheaters don't get bad karma and it's something people make up in their head or tell themselves. All untrue.

MadamDicey · 03/01/2025 22:21

I will never understand why a person cheats , why not end the relationship you're in, and start with a clean sheet .
Cheating to me is like hedging your bets.

EdnaTheWitch · 03/01/2025 22:22

My ex married the OW and had children together. They’re now going through divorce proceedings as she became OW to another guy 🤷🏻‍♀️

Whatado · 03/01/2025 22:22

Can they last. Absolutely.

Are they happy. Who knows. Many will double down and say they are so much happier, they have no regrets and it was all meant to be. Others have fucked their lives and relationships up so badly because of the affair it's what they have left to hold on to.

Irrelevant of the damage they caused to others including potentially their own kids. I find it fascinating that people who ended up fucking their relationships with their first kids go on and have a new family can say it was worth it.

It does however underpin what all cheaters have to have, so they have the ability to cheat. An off the scale level of selfishness, and ability to emotionally compartmentalise.

Once you have crossed the line to cheat, it can easily happen again. Bored? Sexually frustrated? Feeling the strain and boredom of day to life. Someone gives your the butterfly feeling? You already have the experience of lying, gaslighting your partner, you experienced the going home and facing them as if nothing has happened. So now it's so much easier to do again. So just like when you take your cheating partner back it never really goes away that you can believe they won't do it again, I don't believe cheaters who do stay together also don't have that small voice in the back of their head as much as they deny it. Because admitting it would give a glimpse of insecurity because of how the relationship started which would counter the whole "We fell in love, we couldn't help it. It's because we are each other's forever person"

Cheaters like to rely on the "life isn't black and white" line because it provides an avenue to alivate their guilt and publicly seek sympathy and empathy for the most challenging of circumstances they find themselves in. But that's just it. It was all choice, no one held a gun to their head, it wasn't a life or death scenario. It was their need to prioritise their feeling good about themselves over the harm they caused to someone else.

The same way people say Karma will get them in return. Which also isn't true and is something that people hold onto to hope they get payback for the harm they did.

But really the most important thing out of affairs isn't what happens to the two people who created the nuclear bomb, it's what happens the people betrayed.

And as difficult as it is, the sooner they put all of the effort they can into healing from the damage done and focus on living their life the better chance their is they will be able to have a life that isn't forever fucked because of two selfish people. The aim is complete indifference.

InterIgnis · 03/01/2025 22:23

Tink3rbell30 · 03/01/2025 22:20

Several people did make comments such as cheaters don't get bad karma and it's something people make up in their head or tell themselves. All untrue.

Because ‘karma’ is a myth born from fervent hope that the universe is not only paying attention, but gives a single fuck.

Something bad happening isn’t ‘karma’, it’s the crapshoot that is life.

Tink3rbell30 · 03/01/2025 22:26

InterIgnis · 03/01/2025 22:23

Because ‘karma’ is a myth born from fervent hope that the universe is not only paying attention, but gives a single fuck.

Something bad happening isn’t ‘karma’, it’s the crapshoot that is life.

That's opinion based.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/01/2025 22:27

Yes my ex fiance left me for 'just a friend' at work 12 years ago and they're married with two kids. I think she's only the second person he's ever slept with.

RockOrAHardplace · 03/01/2025 22:29

Tink3rbell30 · 03/01/2025 19:54

Yes I get that but I always believe actions come with consequences and not good ones for this behaviour.

So there is no denying that some people are serial cheaters and will move from one relationship to another and will leave a trail of destruction in their wake..... I hope karma gets them but also I feel sorry for them. Imagine, being that incapable of sustaining a relationship and not feeling that deep love and trust it brings, pretty sad.

But then there are people who marry for the wrong reasons or don't ask the right questions or whose whose thoughts/needs change as they mature and diverge from their partners. There are those who have no intention of an affair, it just happens because they are not happy. Its not something to be proud of but it happens. Its sad it evolves that way but sometimes its for the best.

I had too close friends who dated at school, married young and neither wanted kids. As they matured, their lives went in different directions as did their outlook and expectations. They loved each other, they were very companiable and enjoyed each others company.

One decided they were ready for kids, the other did not want any and was outraged as they had both always said they didn't want kids. But they worked so well together they stayed together. Then one of them started a relationship and a baby was conceived. It was a shock to the partner and they separated very quickly and moved on. The faithful partner was devastated initially but after a few years, did a complete change around. They realised they had no longer been "in love", but did care and love each other and that as they matured into adults their wants and desires had changed. They realised they had just been coasting. Their new relationship was blooming and they said they hadn't felt like this for years and it was exhilarating. Ironically, both are now married with kids and the kids have play dates together. I can't really find it in my heart to fault the outcome but maybe it wasn't the best journey.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/01/2025 22:29

givemushypeasachance · 03/01/2025 16:29

I mean King Charles seems a lot happier with relationship number two doesn't he.

I think Camilla was relationship 1 really

ZadelRoad · 03/01/2025 22:32

Everyone's experience will differ but not in my experience. No one I know in real life has stayed with an affair partner long term.

My ex is still with his most current one and this one has been the longest he's stayed with one but none of his kids will speak to him because of her. So she's on borrowed time until he realises the kids aren't just going to get over it while she's still in the picture.

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/01/2025 22:33

I think that "Cheating Bastards always get their comeuppance" comes from when serial cheaters who are selfish, nasty and downright abusive, usually do in one way or another. And its their victims that see it and speak about it.

So the failing marriage eventually ending because one calls time as they meet someone better suited but does the best thing as they can during the split and divorce, so isnt an arsehole, usually gets a better life as does their ex. Whilst it hurts everyone at the time, eventually it all works out.

But total shits usually trip themselves up or are not as clever as they think they are, and things start to fall apart. So yes, sometimes they do get "karma", as they are the authors of their own downfall and they are the ones who deserve it most.

InterIgnis · 03/01/2025 22:39

Tink3rbell30 · 03/01/2025 22:26

That's opinion based.

It’s literally observation.

The way you’re using ‘karma’ doesn’t even reflect the Buddhist belief, you’ve ran with a concept that appeals to you and called it that.

Tink3rbell30 · 03/01/2025 22:43

InterIgnis · 03/01/2025 22:39

It’s literally observation.

The way you’re using ‘karma’ doesn’t even reflect the Buddhist belief, you’ve ran with a concept that appeals to you and called it that.

Yes my opinions and everyone else here is entitled to theirs too.

changecandles · 03/01/2025 22:55

@Tink3rbell30
If your version of karma is real then you would have to accept that the people being cheated on deserved it due to some action they committed in the past.

That would be very cruel of you

Oops

allfurcoatnoknickers · 03/01/2025 23:00

Shade17 · 03/01/2025 16:11

Yes, my dad’s marriage to the first OW lasted 20 years until he met the next OW and they’ve been together nearly 20 years.

My FIL seems to start a new family every 17 years. Like a Cicada.

Tink3rbell30 · 03/01/2025 23:00

changecandles · 03/01/2025 22:55

@Tink3rbell30
If your version of karma is real then you would have to accept that the people being cheated on deserved it due to some action they committed in the past.

That would be very cruel of you

Oops

Nope, who on earth thinks the poor people being cheated on deserve it.

PrawnAgain · 03/01/2025 23:02

Just going to leave this here

Sacredhandbag · 03/01/2025 23:16

Every relationship is different and I don't think starting as an affair has any bearing on whether or not the relationship will last

More to do with the people involved, their compatibility, if they actually want to be together or if it was supposed to be a fling they ended up reluctantly staying around for etc etc. Far too many factors to list, just like relationships that started without an affair.

Anecdotally, I grew up with my mum and the horrible abusive prick she left my dad for (I don't call him step-dad) he was also married when he ran off with my mum so both were the OW and the OM. Horrible, tumultus relationship that was full of abuse and misery for us all but "lasted" so does that count?

I cared for a lady in her 90s that was the OW and lived happily with her husband for 70 years.

I know another who lasted about 3 weeks 😆

I doubt there's any conclusive data, really.

changecandles · 03/01/2025 23:25

@Tink3rbell30

Nope, who on earth thinks the poor people being cheated on deserve it.
Then don't use words you don't understand.

You don't know what karma is. You keep using it incorrectly

CulturalNomad · 03/01/2025 23:26

Something bad happening isn’t ‘karma’, it’s the crapshoot that is life

Exactly! Some people seem to think "karma" is some kind of cosmic payback😂.

The reality is that bad things will indeed happen to "cheaters", as well as people who have been cheated on and those who have never had a romantic relationship.

It's called "Life".

There's something particularly sad about wasting years - maybe many years - bitterly waiting for someone to get their cosmic comeuppance. We can't help being betrayed or feeling hurt but it doesn't have to define us or permanently derail the course of our life.

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