Doesn’t ever work out with the OW

[Wishiwasjapanese]

Just that really. When your husbands have cheated and left you for the OW has it ever worked out?

the question was: does it ever work out with the ow?
(funnily enough, why not with the other MAN?)

the answer still is, yes, many times not only it works out but it was clearly meant to be. And maybe the first failed relationship was needed for them to learn not to make some mistakes.

There might be a lot of explanations of WHY it works out better, but whatever you say, it does happen.

I can't pretend that all of us who were "team Jennifer" didn't think "HAHA" when Brad and Angelina split up 😂(even if Jennifer had long moved on!), but it's silly to pretend all relationships are doomed from the start because people had sex before signing the divorce papers. It's simply not true. What difference would it made if they had stuck to an "emotional affair"? Really? Absolutely none.

The truth is that people can move on happily.

IME it depends on why the orignal affair happened.

If one (or both) is a serial cheater then that wont stop because they left and started again with someone new. In those cases, yes marrying the mistress does create a vacancy because they need whatever it is cheating gives them....ego boost, validation, self importance, just the knowledge that they can, whatever. Some (my ex) is alway have FOMO and are always worried that they are missing out on someone better, that wont ever change either.

However my sisters Godmother met her (now deceased) husband while he was married. He left within 2 weeks of meeting her and they were together for 30+ years until his death. His ex loathed my "aunt" as the OW but in reality they were both miserable and meeting her gave "uncle" the push he needed to leave.

Everyone has different opinions and experiences.

in fairness I believe the ones that seem happy and pleased what they've built from betraying someone else is mostly a pretence and there's trust issues etc.

if someone makes such a public display of their previous relationship and tell everybody about the cheating, then yes, there's likely issues.

Normal people stay quiet about the details
WHO ever introduce themselves or their partner as "this is my wife xyz, we had sex when I was still married with my first wife, how do you do?" 😂

and that's all we were saying. Sometimes it works out.

Ex h married his secretary who I had guessed was well on the way to being the OW a couple of years into our marriage .Apparently they had 4 children and 20 years together. Split fairly recently, he’s since proposed twice in a year to two different women. How do I know? He added me and my oldest (male) friend on fb when they split. I merely observe with a wry smile…however it’s only fair to admit I had an “OM” for the last few months we were together and we’re still happily married 25 years later. Works both ways.

He's still with her 2 years on, following a miscarriage (the idiot invited me to medical appointments for her through a shared calendar - even though I kept telling him I could see them!), and IVF.

Of course she's on a visa, and can't work, so he has total control over her - and seems to be doing a better job of keeping his own money under his control (rather than making me manage all his bank accounts) - so even if she wanted to end it, she would struggle.

So so far, yes, it seems it can work (we'll see how many years it lasts)

Ha ha ha please tell me you are joking?? You actually think that people end their marriages for someone they haven’t even shagged 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

You sound like the most naive person in the world.

While I think all involved are shitty in both of these examples I do think there is a world of difference I agree.

Serial cheaters who end up leaving the spouse I have seen just go on to cheat and cheat and cheat and cheat. And have multiple marriages / relationships.

I have no idea one way or the other 🤷🏻‍♀️

Who said anything about couples advertising the fact they had an affair?

Yes people end their marriages without shagging others.

Many people end their marriages without a new person in the picture.

This is what happened with me and DH. He left her to be with me, but didn’t say anything to me until he’d started divorce proceedings. Not all men are cheating scumbags.

I know someone whose fiance was discovered with the OW, begged for forgiveness and said he'd give up the OW, it was cold feet, all that stuff. My friend told him where to go, and less than a year later he's married the OW. I always wonder if she knows she was the consolation prize, but there's no point asking her and causing a load of grief and misery.

@Tink3rbell30

Everyone has different opinions and experiences.
Finally you get it.

Some people's experience is the opposite of yours!

There are several examples in my family, including my grandma and grandfather, of affairs where it's lasted forever. The first marriages just weren't compatible.

That said I think where it doesn't work people just forget about it or maybe it's never even public knowledge. I think sometimes the OW is an escape when they're not happy and they're also not compatible (seen this a few times too) but they get swept up in it all.

I even have a friend who's husband came back after a year and they're still together.

out of interest, did you have a feeling deep down that the man you were engaged to wasn’t right for you - did you push that feeling away for some reason? Or were you really in love and then a bigger love came with your now DH? Thanks

We were fairly young (mid 20's) and had been dating about a year when we got engaged. We were in love but, in hindsight, I regret getting engaged while we were still in that early "infatuation" phase. I was not mature enough at the time to understand that being "in love" doesn't necessarily mean that the relationship will last over the long-term.

I did leave that relationship for my (now) husband but we dated for three years before getting married. It really felt like a "bigger love" as you phrased it, but I wasn't about to make another commitment while under the influence of all those intoxicating hormones, LOL!

Almost 35 years now and still very happy together. No regrets😀

Yes and a lot of cheaters do get bad karma/the same done to them or worse despite comments saying they don't.

my exH married the OW, and to be fair they were well suited to each other and clearly very happy.

😂😂😂😂😂

My DM had an affair when married to my DF. The affair ended when they were found out with DM and OM each staying with their spouses.

They each split up a year or so later without the affair restarting. She later got back together with OM and they have been together for 21 years now.

It was wrong the way it happened but they fell in love and still very much are, although have their ups and downs like any couple.

My DF forgave her (i mean even after they split etc) and they remained on good terms, and would help each other.

I know my DF was still in love with DM. DM loved my DF but as a brother and had done for a long time. She was at his bedside with us

I have to agree.

I know a couple like this and its all an act. I and a few others know its an act and why but at least if they are making each other miserable they are out of the way of the rest of us!

Yep.
My (D)F had an affair with my DM's best friend 49 years ago. They're still together.
Tone fucking deaf though as they regularly tell me stories of their early times together etc.
I could be biased though as I can't stand her - was awful to me when I was younger and quite obviously dislikes me and my kids, although 'everyone' else adores her.

This sounds like idiocy level of my ex husband in many ways

Oh well, IVF is hard, invasive and expensive. With a poor success rate. I know that after 3 rounds

I do think people underestimate how much this is a factor for men.

Leaving one wife/partner (esp with kids involved) doesn't look good, but leaving a second makes then look distinctly like "the problem" to everyone.

Also if they run into problems in the "second" relationship, they realise that they just run into those problems (or alternative ones) in any relationship; so there's no point in blowing up another relationship for a third one that would just be the same. So they stay.

People presume the second relationship/marriage is better but sometimes it's just resignation/realisation/stoicism/not wanting to look like the pattern and the problem.

I know several couples where the women has been the OW and it has worked out, one for 20+ years and on other who are on year 10. It can work out.