Doesn’t ever work out with the OW

[Wishiwasjapanese]

Just that really. When your husbands have cheated and left you for the OW has it ever worked out?

I take it that this advice is intended to ruin the current relationship?

My stepdad had an affair (he's never admitted he cheated but it's clear from timelines that he did) and they are still together 15 years later. I think they'll stay together too. Although I don't like the way their relationship began, and it was really traumatic at the time, I'm happy he's happy. I remember how things were between him and my mum and he must have been so desperately unhappy. He's a lovely man who's been a wonderful father to me. All this rubbish about cheaters being such terrible people - sometimes they are but often they're just human beings who fuck up and make a mess of things even while trying to do the right thing. So yes of course many of the resulting relationships survive.

It really doesn't, a couple of comments of seemingly 'happy' couples gloating about betraying another person and their children doesn't change anything. I've seen and heard so many get what they deserve for what they did and rightly so.

My mum was the OW - she's been with my stepdad nearly 40 years now!
His ex wife is also happy in her relationship, it worked out better all round. They are friendly with his ex wife and her husband too, we see them often at family gatherings.

I think it makes a huge difference if children were involved. If no children there’s no ongoing link to the ex. No constant reminder for the cheating partner. I can’t imagine many relationships where families blew up would last in the same way.

I’ve been cheated on and left with very young children, it’s horrible. Two years on and I haven’t recovered,

I don’t think you can generalise. Some people, they married too young, grew apart, maybe stayed together for the kids but then met someone right for them. Others are serial shaggers and never going to properly settle. My ex was a combination of the two, shagged around with escorts etc but I imagine if he ever persuades someone else to be with him long term it will last because he is old now and not that great a prospect.

actually.. the only victims in the whole mess are the kids.

A relationship takes 2 people. If it was going so well, there would be no affair, no moving on.

The cheating person HAS and could easily have avoided the situation by seeking to leave with dignity and respect for their current partner instead of being a lazy coward and deciding to hold onto them while they try to find their replacement
I am not sure the women who have given up most of their careers to take care of the kids and the house and juggled work/ life/ children are the "lazy cowards" you describe. It's not that simple is it?

Most couples I know are not in their first marriage, I am not saying everybody had cheated, but people make mistakes, learn from them and move on building better relationships. Everyone should move on, and not damage the kids in the process.

. And one of the reasons I don’t like her is because she was the OW.The one good thing is that my dad cheats on her constantly so she at least knows how it feels (and I think my dad’s behaviour was shitty too before your start but he is my dad so I have to tolerate him and we have a different relationship.)
that's far too much information for a child to know, sorry, How can this be healthy?
And as usual, it's the woman who is being blamed, less the man, funny that. It's the OW fault, not the husband, or less the husband...

So sorry to hear this.

I have been cheated on but as you say I was able to cut him off.

He did try to pop up in my life a few years later (evidently it had not worked out) and that just made me realise I had not blocked him on everything so I quickly remedied that.

There was a study (up to you whether you believe research or not) released a few years back that found that if you cheated you were 3/4 times more likely to cheat in a subsequent relationship to those who have not cheated.

It came out with headlines around 'once a cheat, always a cheat' which of course is nonsense.

But what was clear from it is that a person's past certainly predicts their future behaviour. Cheats do make unsafe partners. And the study also backs up the research for poor outcomes for affair based relationships.

Nope, lots of good decent people get betrayed by scum. I haven't seen any comments from anyone obsessed with the cheater, they just carry on as normal and eventually the cheater gets what they deserve. The 'happy' exterior these couples built from betrayal show is often an illusion too.

you sound so bitter, it's sad.

It did for my dad 🤷‍♀️

If you hold onto your current relationship and choose to cheat, then yes you are a lazy coward and I don’t care what your situation was before. I am not criticising anybody for leaving a failing relationship. I am criticising those who chose to cheat and line up their next person before exiting.

It’s deeply unfair to the person you are dating / married to when being honest, early could leave them free to be with somebody who wants to be with them.

The point about married women who gave up careers does not work either. It’s not like they are going to jump to having a new man pick up the financial support they was being provided by the ex-husband. And if that is there excuse for making sure they had a new partner lined up that makes things even worse not better!

@Tink3rbell30

It really doesn't, a couple of comments of seemingly 'happy' couples gloating about betraying another person and their children doesn't change anything. I've seen and heard so many get what they deserve for what they did and rightly so.
But it's not a couple if comments is it. It's the majority of the comments where people are telling of stories of success of the new marriages.
Even many of the people cheated on are honest enough to say the new couple were better together than they were.

No one is gloating. Someone asked a question and people are answering. You sound like perhaps you have some baggage as you are very determined to believe something not being borne out here.

my mum and dad had affairs during their marriage, mum left and married my step dad and it was a bloody a miserable experience for us kids I’ll tell you as they shouldn’t of got married at all afterwards.

Mum went onto have more affairs during her lifetime.

its the kids I feel for in this always.

It's the truth.

"It will. Ignore anyone who think it's perfectly fine behaviour."

@Tink3rbell30 who is saying it's perfectly fine? You seem to be mistaking people telling you that they have seen long and successful relationships that started as affairs as condoning cheating. And then you seem to think if they wait long enough the cheater will be punished.

It's illogical.

I mean that’s a lot of cliches in one post but is this honestly what you’ve observed in your life? Repeatedly? No exceptions?

Your experience is very limited, surely.

@Tink3rbell30

eventually the cheater gets what they deserve
By this do you mean the cheater gets to live happily in their new relationship for 30+ years until one of them dies of old age? Because that's been reported a dozen times at least on this thread

Exactly what happened to my closest friend. Her father cheated on her mother. Moved to Australia with OW where they lived happily for decades until his death in his late 80s.
My friend ended up happy for them as she said they were much better suited and her mother went on to meet a man she was much better suited with.

I will never, ever understand how someone can not see their child, willingly.

Yes it does absolutely, been married to my DH for 25 years his ex is also in a marriage of many years.

Yes honestly, I've never seen a cheater end up happy and I'm glad. I believe the ones that seem happy and pleased what they've built from betraying someone else is mostly a pretence and there's trust issues etc.

It's just a comforting fairytale to think the person will get their comeuppance.

But in some of the cases outlined below, the betrayed partner doesn't feel angry years later and are actually pleased with the way life then takes them somewhere else.

So then should the betrayer still BE PUNISHED BY THE GODS? Or is there some kind of form you can fill out at karma dot com that exempts the person? Do tell.

There's a huge difference between an exit affair and a serial cheat.

So you just refuse to believe anything contrary to your preferred narrative.