Doesn’t ever work out with the OW

[Wishiwasjapanese]

Just that really. When your husbands have cheated and left you for the OW has it ever worked out?

@TooManyChristmasCards this is terrible minimising of the trauma from infidelity: it completely destroys your sense of safety, causes deep rooted trauma, includes the removal of the betrayed’s personal agency and informed sexual consent plus the break down of the family unit and the damage to children is well known. I've know women who previously had no mental health issues suffer from anxiety and suicidal ideation.

It is not just the difficulties of separation and divorce, the cheating causes harm that often needs 2-5 years healing time.

There are a number of books out there now really detailing the damage of infidelity and it should never be minimised.

I don't think anyone has said they're wasting their life sitting around waiting for bad things to happen. You'd never leave the house. But they will get their consequences.

@TimPat
That is SO awful. Why has no one told the poor woman he's cheating on?

My vile abusive ex is still with the OW. However, she messaged me a year ago saying how horrible he is and asking how he was with me. Yep, exact same narcissistic behaviour, I'm sure she will leave him eventually.

Do you believe being cheated on is the result of karma too?

Great post. I agree.

My Dad left my Mum (wife 1) for OW in his early 30s.
He married OW then left her (wife 2) 10 years later, for another OW.
He was with her for a while then met another OW. He married that one, then left her (wife 3) about 10 years later for another OW. He was with that OW for a few months, then left her for another OW, who he married (wife 4). He’s been happy with wife 4 for about 20 years, in his late 80s now and very frail, so there’ll be no more philandering!

It’s shitty and heartless though. Also rather cowardly. (For both parties as it suggests an inability to be financially self-sufficient).

My friend’s partner left her for his affair partner but during the aftermath told her he had been happy for years. So rather than leave and give my chance to find happiness he did not - dragging it out for years.

He is happy with his new woman and child and some 15 years later my friend never recovered, also because he did not release her early she never met somebody new and never had children.

Yes , totally what I'm seeing.

So awful and so selfish. Worse than the affair itself imo.

Why would they lie about their relationship lasting or not?

Which is why people need to stop being such cowards and learn to leave relationships with divinity first, instead of selfishly holding onto their current partner while trying to find a new one and cheating. It’s so awful.

The vast majority are not on the active lookout for someone to shag though. In the course of their life they meet someone. Might be through a hobby or work. They find they get on really well with them. They realise they are happier the presence of this new person than with their partner. They leave their partner. They may or may not have shagged by this point.

I'm not sure what people are suggesting. That once married everyone should stay with their spouse regardless of if they love them anymore or not?

I hope you are happy I really do and I hope he has changed. I would however check his phone occasionally and perhaps check his whereabouts. Sadly I think if you take up with a cheat you can't ever trust them.

but so is hanging on to your bitterness and damaging the kids in the process.

The amount of people using their kids as weapon in revenge for the divorce/ the other one having happily moved on is frightening

Just read all the threads on here about the first partner hating the new wife being a step-mum to their kids.

This thread proves you very very wrong indeed

Many many have life long happiness with their new partner

what a way to live. You can't trust ANYONE if you go that far. Even yourself cannot promise that you will never fall in love, how could you? You'd be lying if you did.

You might stay with your current partner despite being platonically in love with someone else, but frankly that's just as depressing and offensive for the first one!

40 years on my mil is still married with the guy she ran off with

I don’t think she was an OW really.
My friends ex met someone, had feelings but told my friend rather than do anything. It blew up but they limped along for another year.
He went on to marry the woman and have children with her and been together 20 years now.

The thing is I don’t think my friend and her ex were ever really happy. They met first day of uni and got engaged a month later. Got married a week after graduation. It seemed ridiculous at the time but I also remember he wasn’t really happy. They were then married for 10 years, had a child, were miserable.

She loathes him for it though, even though supposedly she left got a better life. Ruined his relationship with his child. Got remarried very quickly to someone else who wasn’t keen and I suspect isn’t very nice.
i think she would have been happier if she’d amit they made a terrible mistake.

I think people cannot help the reaction as described in the post. Also this is victim blaming.

The person cheated on has done nothing wrong. The cheating person HAS and could easily have avoided the situation by seeking to leave with dignity and respect for their current partner instead of being a lazy coward and deciding to hold onto them while they try to find their replacement.

It is absolutely a good thing for those cheated onto to move on, but they are not the arsehole in the story.

And the kids don’t need the mom to be bother to hold animosity.

I don’t like my step-mom even though my mom got over it years ago. And one of the reasons I don’t like her is because she was the OW.The one good thing is that my dad cheats on her constantly so she at least knows how it feels (and I think my dad’s behaviour was shitty too before your start but he is my dad so I have to tolerate him and we have a different relationship.)

It would be natural to have kids and feel unhappy about the OW / OM playing a parental role in their life.

and as someone said.. maybe the bad relationship with you was the bad karma for something else.

You will drive yourself mad by obsessing about your ex and waiting to hear any negative in their life. Meanwhile, they are happily enjoying their new relationship.

This. I think that many stay together partly because of guilt and the fact that they don’t want to admit that they made a mistake.

Also many cheaters lose the respect of their children and it’s very hard to regain that, even when superficially they have some sort of relationship with them.

as much as I don't want to take that opinion, I agree that if the affair started because they really fell for each other and their first marriage did not start like that, then yes, you can see how logically they will stay together

this is why I was very careful to marry only a man whom I fell in love with and he displayed some sort of that to me.

Men are romantic fools , despite we think it is the oppposite.

as much as I don't want to take that opinion, I agree that if the affair started because they really fell for each other and their first marriage did not start like that, then yes, you can see how logically they will stay together

this is why I was very careful to marry only a man whom I fell in love with and he displayed some sort of that to me.

Men are romantic fools , despite we think it is the oppposite.

But I was also a cheat? And have never cheated on him. I trust him completely and would never feel the need to check his phone or whereabouts! Having said that he doesn't go out and likes to wfh when he can so no chance of me worrying where he is lol.