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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset and put off by this comment

113 replies

Marjoram2 · 03/01/2025 14:05

I have been dating a guy for 3 months.

Both have kids who happen to be with our exes the next few days so we’ve been having a blissful few days at his house, included lots of “adult time”.

All was great until we were talking about our past dating lives today and he told me about the last woman he dated “we ultimately weren’t compatible which was a shame because the sex was incredible”.

I feel vile now. Not just because I heard about how good sex was with someone else but also because it made me feel like I wasn’t worthy of enough respect and consideration for him not to share this tidbit with me.

We’ve been our for a bit and we’re on our way back to his now but the thought of having to have sex with him this afternoon is not appealing, which is a great shame as it’s been a highlight of our time together up until now!

OP posts:
Strawpollplease · 03/01/2025 14:50

I suspect that this may suggest a deeper incompatibility. Some people enjoy talking about past experience, others don’t. I find it fun and refreshing and reflects my view that sex can be wonderful and fun even with people that you don’t necessarily have a great long term connection with. My DH hates talking about previous relationships and doesn’t like it when I do. I’ve learned to live with it but it impacts how much fun I have and I feel like I’ve compromised my pleasure. Neither attitude is right or wrong but I suspect that longer term you might struggle if you and he have different views.

NewFriendlyLadybird · 03/01/2025 14:52

Marjoram2 · 03/01/2025 14:10

Of course I’ve had past relationship with great sex! But I didn’t find it necessary to tell him about it! I don’t see why he, or anyone, would need to know how good the sex was with someone else.

Edited
Show quote history

He didn’t describe it in detail, did he? It sounds like an offhand remark that I, personally, wouldn’t attach any significance to. I can’t tell you how to feel though.

WidgetDigit2022 · 03/01/2025 14:53

I wouldn’t like it. Yes it’s truthful, but it’s unnecessary and not a great way to boost your confidence. I’m also not convinced he ended it if the sex was incredible, chances are she ended it with that reasoning. I’d feel a bit ick by it all.

Annabella92 · 03/01/2025 14:55

JHound · 03/01/2025 14:06

I don’t see the issue with the comment.

In fact it shows a bit of character and that he wants more than merely good sex.

Nah its a warning to her. "Make sure you're always as enthusiastic about sex as she was, because you're always competing with her in my imagination".

Rickrolypoly · 03/01/2025 14:57

I dont think he said anything wrong and maybe if you cant handle hearing about past relationships then dont ask about them! If he'd started going into graphic specifics then I would say you had a point however, IMO the comment is pretty tame.

mewkins · 03/01/2025 14:58

Marjoram2 · 03/01/2025 14:10

Of course I’ve had past relationship with great sex! But I didn’t find it necessary to tell him about it! I don’t see why he, or anyone, would need to know how good the sex was with someone else.

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I bet if you did start mentioning it he would go very quiet!

It would put me off him too. Surely it's a very basic thing to not discuss in the very early stages of a relationship.

orangewasp · 03/01/2025 15:02

I agree with you, OP. No problem with a partner having a past but I wouldn't want to know about it or think my own performance would be carried forward and reviewed in future relationships.
Not sure I'd end it because of this (clearly most people seem fine about it) but worth a discussion.

MyLimeGuide · 03/01/2025 15:02

crashbandicooty · 03/01/2025 14:28

This would be playing on my mind now every time I had sex with him, why would he say this!

Exactly this, I would feel like I need to always be as good as the ex! Un necessary pressure, he sounds weird.

wfhwfh · 03/01/2025 15:06

I can understand your instinctive reaction - it feels unnecessary for him to share.

Just out of interest, how do you think he would react/feel if you’d said something about an ex being amazing in bed?

W0tnow · 03/01/2025 15:06

I vote crass and negging. Of course he has plausible deniability. "But I was just being honest!"

It would immediately turn me right off!

strawberrysea · 03/01/2025 15:10

That would really upset me.

BalladOfBarry · 03/01/2025 15:13

I get it, op. It's like you telling him of your last lover who was sooo huge, but you knew it wasn't a ltr.
See how he feels with that info.

stillavid · 03/01/2025 15:13

I would definitely not have liked that - just weird for him to say it. And as others have said - am sure he would have been delighted if you had mentioned the incredible sex with your immediate ex.

Its just thoughtless and bad manners.

Bingo88 · 03/01/2025 15:14

There was something along these lines on the relationships board a while back. Here's the link. Views were mixed

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5113201-the-sex-was-amazing

Personally I think I'd feel a bit meh if someone had said this to me. It's early days for your relationship. Maybe just keep an eye as to whether it was a one off slip, or if he's starting to chip away and make you feel insecure generally. In which case run for the hills

"The sex was amazing" | Mumsnet

Been together 7 years. Both 60s, retired, children grown, grandchildren (him). We spend about 4 nights a week together, but have our own homes and nei...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5113201-the-sex-was-amazing

Tessasanderson · 03/01/2025 15:18

How many threads are there on this site where a person asks about missmatched sex drives? The usual outcome is it can never work, especially in a new relationship. The two of you are close enough to have sex, you are close enough to deal with the fact you both have a past. He was a bit crass in his words but at the end of the day he said he matched with someone sex wise but he didnt match with them on other aspects. You can read into that however you wish but it could be that whilst sex is important to him, its not the only thing that matters in a relationship

Or he may have just made a flippant comment which he would regret if he knew it had caused you an issue. Maybe be on your toes next time and make sure he knows you are not comfortable with that kind of comment in future.

I would let it go and enjoy yourself but maybe

oasisnt · 03/01/2025 15:19

This would upset me.

I know my DH's dating history and some things he had never done before being with me (so I can assume he had done other things with one/some of these people before), but that's the limit of how much information I'm comfortable with.
Definitely wouldn't want to know who he considered 'good' - that would be too much detail and it would bother me. We all have different boundaries around stuff like this.

Saying it's "a shame because the sex was incredible" would, to me, imply that he misses the sex though. He could have been more tactful!

buttonousmaximous · 03/01/2025 15:20

I wouldn't want to hear how amazing sex was with someone else. I'd feel like it was a comparison or a stealth boast.

I wonder how he would react if you mentioned the amazing sex you had with an ex.

Thankfully me and dh are each other's best sex. (Or so we tell each other!)

PeppyGreenFinch · 03/01/2025 15:23

Sounds like he’s letting you know he expects more in the sex dept. It’s a form of negging. Throw this one back, don’t have sex with him again.

ISpyNoPlumPie · 03/01/2025 15:24

Trallers · 03/01/2025 14:29

For me, I'd be upset that he said it was "a shame", as if he'd rather be there in that relationship except they weren't compatible in other ways so he can't be.

Agree. I think this is lousy. I’ve been married many years now. We’ve talked about previous relationships but I’d never say anything like what this man said to my DH. It’s so disrespectful. It’s a “shame”, the sex was “fantastic”. So crass and thoughtless. This isn’t about him having to censor himself, it’s just basic not being a dick. At best I’d be wary, but I might also be really over him after this.

Lilactimes · 03/01/2025 15:25

Not sure what I would actually have done - but I like to think I would have laughed and said “I used to have amazing sex with my ex too”!L I bet he would have reacted awkwardly and said he didn’t mean it like that… at least you could have talked about it.
Hope you don’t sit on it and fester and spoil a potentially nice/ amazing time!

Dramatic · 03/01/2025 15:29

I'd react exactly like you op, I'd not be able to stop thinking about it whenever we had sex, wondering what is was she did to make her so good in bed in comparison to me.

TwigletsAndRadishes · 03/01/2025 15:29

Surely as a grown woman with children you are not so naive as to think he's never had mindblowing sex before he met you? And surely you are not so emotionally immature and insecure that you can't cope with hearing him mention it in a passing comment?

He wasn't comparing her to you. She is not a threat you you, His comment was not a judgement on you. If you go into a sulk about this he's going to think you are weirdly needy and insecure.

Original poster
Marjoram2 · 03/01/2025 15:32

MyLimeGuide · 03/01/2025 15:02

Exactly this, I would feel like I need to always be as good as the ex! Un necessary pressure, he sounds weird.

Show quote history

This is how I feel.

OP posts:
BunnyLake · 03/01/2025 15:32

I don't think I would have felt ‘vile’ but I wouldn't have felt I needed or wanted that bit of info either. No one has ever discussed the quality of their previous sex lives with me and I wouldn’t want them to. It would probably make me more observant of him and his general attitude though.

blackbird77 · 03/01/2025 15:35

I would have been really hurt by it too OP. Also the fact that he was thick enough to say something like that to you (even if it was true) would make me feel less attracted to him. 99/100 if you tell your existing partner how incredible the sex was with your ex or how beautiful your ex was, it’s only going to cause hurt or insecurity. Why say it?! There’s no upside at all. There’s literally no need. It’s not diplomatic, affectionate, and bad manners to boot. You can bet your life on the fact that had you said your ex had an “incredible penis” or was “incredibly gorgeous”, he wouldn’t like that.

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