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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset and put off by this comment

113 replies

Marjoram2 · 03/01/2025 14:05

I have been dating a guy for 3 months.

Both have kids who happen to be with our exes the next few days so we’ve been having a blissful few days at his house, included lots of “adult time”.

All was great until we were talking about our past dating lives today and he told me about the last woman he dated “we ultimately weren’t compatible which was a shame because the sex was incredible”.

I feel vile now. Not just because I heard about how good sex was with someone else but also because it made me feel like I wasn’t worthy of enough respect and consideration for him not to share this tidbit with me.

We’ve been our for a bit and we’re on our way back to his now but the thought of having to have sex with him this afternoon is not appealing, which is a great shame as it’s been a highlight of our time together up until now!

OP posts:
Merrygoround8 · 03/01/2025 15:36

I agree this was clumsy and unnecessary to share with you but it was probably best dealt with at the moment it happened by saying “woah, overshare, no thanks!” if jovial or a “I know you’re being candid but I’d have preferred not to know that”. I’m not sure it’s worth stewing over. Does he otherwise make you feel good?

rubbishtowel · 03/01/2025 15:39

I wouldn't like this OP.

We all know our partners have shagged other people but you don't really want you partner to say anything that would make you feel inadequate next to past partners.

It shows a quite a bit of obliviousness to how his words can make you feel - he was clearly just reminiscing with no thought to you at all. It would make me look out for this trait in him (if you wanted to keep seeing him).

GroovyChick87 · 03/01/2025 15:41

I can understand why you're upset. It's just one of those things you don't say and it's never going to get a great response. Anyone with half a brain knows you don't brag about " incredible" sex to your new partner. Husband and I now and again will talk about our past sex lives. I've had good sex in the past and I'm sure he has too, there's nothing wrong with that but we don't use words like " incredible" and it's not "a shame" that we never worked out with those people because we're both happy to be together in the here and now. To be honest I'd think he was still hung up on her from the wording he used.

Whatabouthow · 03/01/2025 15:42

I'd absolutely say something like this and it wouldn't have occurred to me that that could feel disrespectful. More just being matter of fact about past experiences.

CurlewKate · 03/01/2025 15:44

@Marjoram2 "We’ve been our for a bit and we’re on our way back to his now but the thought of having to have sex with him this afternoon is not appealing"

I haven't got anything helpful to say, I'm afraid. Except that you NEVER "have to have sex". Never.

babyproblems · 03/01/2025 15:49

Sounds like he is looking for more than good sex? Which would be a good thing if you are looking for a relationship? I think it’s quite a balanced thing to say to be honest and suggests he thinks a lot of you in both ways or he wouldn’t have carried on this far with you would he? I think you’re being over sensitive. Enjoy!

WhatToWrite · 03/01/2025 15:54

I wouldn't like to hear this. It's a bit like hearing about your parents shagging. You realistically know it happens/has happened but you don't particularly want to know anything about it!

MandyFriend · 03/01/2025 15:55

It is generally considered inappropriate to boast about past relationships, but try not to take it too personally. It is like one of those offhand remarks people make without much thought. If it is troubling you, consider mentioning how it made you feel and see how he responds.

ThisIcyHare · 03/01/2025 15:56

JHound · 03/01/2025 14:06

I don’t see the issue with the comment.

In fact it shows a bit of character and that he wants more than merely good sex.

This! Shows he’s deeper than a puddle and after more than just a good shag!

Idontjetwashthefucker · 03/01/2025 16:01

TwigletsAndRadishes · 03/01/2025 15:29

Surely as a grown woman with children you are not so naive as to think he's never had mindblowing sex before he met you? And surely you are not so emotionally immature and insecure that you can't cope with hearing him mention it in a passing comment?

He wasn't comparing her to you. She is not a threat you you, His comment was not a judgement on you. If you go into a sulk about this he's going to think you are weirdly needy and insecure.

I'm sure OP isn't naive as to think he's never had mind blowing sex before...she just didn't need him to tell her that and neither would I. I'm neither emotionally immature or insecure either, it just wasn't necessary to say what he said

MyDeftDuck · 03/01/2025 16:07

His oversharing of personal information is rather repulsive IMO. There are some things that do not need to be aired with another person and all he has done in telling you this is show complete disrespect for the other person.

I would be concerned about what he might be sharing with future partners to be honest.

shootingstar1 · 03/01/2025 16:14

If this is the only thing he has said or done in the last 3 months then I would put it down to poor judgement on his part. Men can be more flippant with this kind of stuff and I doubt he would have said it to hurt you. He probably cringed as soon as it was out of his mouth . If you have spoken to him about your boundaries and he respects this , I'd draw a line and try and move on.

Dontsayyouloveme · 03/01/2025 16:17

I would feel exactly the same OP! In fact, my recent exb, whilst we were in the middle of sex.. said ‘oh no-one’s done that to me before’. I stopped immediately and said ‘oh I’ve done it loads of times before’ and never did it with him again!! Totally and utterly unacceptable imo!

However, there are two camps, those that don’t appreciate details of past ex’s and those that don’t mind. I am most deffo in the first camp..

Dontsayyouloveme · 03/01/2025 16:29

Btw I didn’t mean he hadn’t had sex before.. or that we stopped having sex… 🤦🏻‍♀️ was referring to something that took place during..

digging a hole (😬🤦🏻‍♀️) now. Stop talking 🤐

Threeoldladies · 03/01/2025 16:31

Trallers · 03/01/2025 14:29

For me, I'd be upset that he said it was "a shame", as if he'd rather be there in that relationship except they weren't compatible in other ways so he can't be.

I wouldn't take it that way. I think he likes having sex with you and thinks you're compatible and also liked having sex with her, but didn't view them as compatible and was rather badly expressing that he wasn't just with you for sex by illustrating using past experience that he wasn't prepared to remain in a relationship, even if the sex was good, if it lacked compatibility.

TheseCalmSeas · 03/01/2025 16:38

I wouldn’t want to hear that either. You’re lovers, not friends.

I would tell him how you felt so he could moderate himself in future.

Original poster
Marjoram2 · 03/01/2025 16:41

TheseCalmSeas · 03/01/2025 16:38

I wouldn’t want to hear that either. You’re lovers, not friends.

I would tell him how you felt so he could moderate himself in future.

This is exactly what I said to him. That I felt that by telling me this, is was treating me not like someone he wanted to treat like a lady, but like one of his bros.

OP posts:
Shrinkingrose · 03/01/2025 16:43

Marjoram2 · 03/01/2025 16:41

This is exactly what I said to him. That I felt that by telling me this, is was treating me not like someone he wanted to treat like a lady, but like one of his bros.

Show quote history

Goodness. Lots of extreme stuff on here today

you must know he’s had fantastic sex. And I find the comment mature, he had great sex but knew the relationship didn’t work.

there is nothing to be jealous about. Honestly.

TMGM · 03/01/2025 16:47

I think there’s being open, and then there’s being a bit too open. There was no need for him to frame his comment that way. This would put me off too.

MyNavyPombear · 03/01/2025 16:50

Personally I would take it that sex with you is not as good as his ex, and so I wouldn’t be happy about him revealing that information!

NovemberMorn · 03/01/2025 16:51

maclen · 03/01/2025 14:23

I'm with you OP... My OH once mentioned he made someone squirt and he's not managed to do it with me (not that I've ever done it) But I do sometimes think back to that comment and think hmm does this mean I'm not as good in bed ect. I just don't think some details need to be shared...

God...how distasteful.

ginasevern · 03/01/2025 16:59

In my experience men always manage to bring the conversation around to sex, whether it's relevant at that moment in time or not. Personally I would be put off too by his comment but then, like I said, everything seems to boil down to sex with men. For example, just recently a guy I work with was telling me how he went to a school reunion and how he didn't recognise so many of his old classmates. They'd all be mid fifties now. I smiled and said I'd had a similar experience some years ago. He then said "yes, but I'd slept with half the women when I was younger". Cue end of conversation for me. Just why do they have to do it?

oasisnt · 03/01/2025 17:15

I have no idea why so many posters are suggesting you're being immature or extreme. You felt uncomfortable with his comment, you've told him where your boundaries are, and you've communicated them clearly and calmly.

Ignore anyone who suggests you're wrong to feel how you do. People who would be fine with this are free to be, just like you are free to not be fine with it.

It's only been three months. If you decided this was enough reason to call it off it's not like you'd be flying off the handle over one incident in 20 years of married bliss. This is when you're getting to know someone, and if you're not happy with what you're finding out it's totally reasonable to decide he's not the one for you. If you think it was a blip and he's taken what you've said on board, you wouldn't be 'wrong' for seeing how it goes, either.

Trust your gut OP.

Partylikeits1985 · 03/01/2025 17:25

Definitely TMI.

glittertime · 03/01/2025 17:36

Im gultiy of this i said it to ex about an ex he asked what was my ex like so i told him we didnt get along but the sex was good.
My sister once told me best sex of her life was not with her husband it was with an ex years before they met.
I dont see a problem with being honest about it.