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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset and put off by this comment

113 replies

Marjoram2 · 03/01/2025 14:05

I have been dating a guy for 3 months.

Both have kids who happen to be with our exes the next few days so we’ve been having a blissful few days at his house, included lots of “adult time”.

All was great until we were talking about our past dating lives today and he told me about the last woman he dated “we ultimately weren’t compatible which was a shame because the sex was incredible”.

I feel vile now. Not just because I heard about how good sex was with someone else but also because it made me feel like I wasn’t worthy of enough respect and consideration for him not to share this tidbit with me.

We’ve been our for a bit and we’re on our way back to his now but the thought of having to have sex with him this afternoon is not appealing, which is a great shame as it’s been a highlight of our time together up until now!

OP posts:
DysmalRadius · 03/01/2025 17:37

Surely it's about motivation? If he said it to make you feel like you have to compete or to 'warn' you about his sexual needs, he can fuck off. But if he just overshared a bit after a bottle of wine in a conversation that was always going to touch on some potentially tricky subjects, then let the dust settle and see if it still bothers you when it's not quite so recent!

And, to echo others, you don't have to have sex with anyone.

Wordau · 03/01/2025 17:48

I agree with you. It's a bit icky and would make me feel weird and self conscious.

blackbird77 · 03/01/2025 18:02

glittertime · 03/01/2025 17:36

Im gultiy of this i said it to ex about an ex he asked what was my ex like so i told him we didnt get along but the sex was good.
My sister once told me best sex of her life was not with her husband it was with an ex years before they met.
I dont see a problem with being honest about it.

But presumably your sister didn’t tell her husband she thought sex with her ex was much better than sex with him? It’s more to do with being this candid with the person you are currently intimate with rather than being candid or sharing with friends to whom the comment would have no consequence on.

A colleague of mine at work once told her current boyfriend in a lighthearted conversation when discussing exes that “it didn’t work out with him because he didn’t make her happy. He was a proper man though. Very masculine”. That comment (regardless of whether it was true) caused considerable hurt to her then partner and I’m not sure it ever left his thoughts after she said it. I’m not sure why it needed to be said. It was terribly unkind. Loads of people will take it as a comparative statement whether one meant it that way or not.

SwerveCity · 03/01/2025 18:09

Wordau · 03/01/2025 17:48

I agree with you. It's a bit icky and would make me feel weird and self conscious.

This 100%

I hope you told him your ex was amazing in bed too, to see his reaction.

Partylikeits1985 · 03/01/2025 18:16

Whatabouthow · 03/01/2025 15:42

I'd absolutely say something like this and it wouldn't have occurred to me that that could feel disrespectful. More just being matter of fact about past experiences.

I think most people interest in their partners past sexual experiences is limited tbh.

anotherside · 03/01/2025 18:28

Nothing objectively wrong with the comment, but I wouldn’t be attracted to the sort of person who would say that. Basically saying his ex was great in bed. Wayaay too much info and pretty low EQ to think a new partner would want to hear it.

rozziee · 03/01/2025 18:29

It’s a bizarre thing for him to mention in my opinion. I have exes where we weren’t compatible but the sex was great and guess what — not once did I feel the need to tell my husband about that. Why would I?!

NovemberMorn · 03/01/2025 18:32

It wasn't a nice comment imo, no matter how open you are with each other, some things are best left unsaid.
Men are sensitive about size, maybe in a future conversation the OP could mention one of her previous lovers was very well-endowed.

CandyCane5 · 03/01/2025 20:32

Every man will say this about someone from their past. Whether they actually tell you or just think it, it will exist somewhere because it's all there is to it.
Ultimately there's more to a relationship than just sex so don't take it personally. I wouldn't like to hear it in a new relationship though, because at that time you don't want to hear about anyone else and just want to be the only one on their mind.

CandidaAlbicans2 · 03/01/2025 22:16

There are plenty of other topics people can share if they want to feel close to a partner, but mentioning how great sex was with an ex is a minefield. Personally I don't want to know about a partner's exes at all, I prefer blissful ignorance. As a PP said, we know our parents have had sex but it can be icky if they tell you about it, and I feel like that about exes. Thankfully in my dating history I've not had a bloke tell me how great an ex was, and I wouldn't dream of telling them about any of mine as there's simply no need. Some people should practice their brain to mouth filter.

Coldautumnmornings · 03/01/2025 22:29

For me that would be deeply unattractive. Sounds like negging and only insecure people do that and I couldn't find an insecure person attractive.

relaxandfocus · 04/01/2025 22:52

I would be asking him WHY it was so good for him?

mewkins · 05/01/2025 09:29

CandyCane5 · 03/01/2025 20:32

Every man will say this about someone from their past. Whether they actually tell you or just think it, it will exist somewhere because it's all there is to it.
Ultimately there's more to a relationship than just sex so don't take it personally. I wouldn't like to hear it in a new relationship though, because at that time you don't want to hear about anyone else and just want to be the only one on their mind.

Everyone might think that about someone from their past. Not everyone will say it out loud.

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