To be upset about being left off the parents Christmas card DS (aged 9) made at school this year?

[alixpally]

We are not normally fussed about cards of any kind, so am surprised to find myself a bit upset and puzzled by the fact that DS (9) completely left me off his school handmade Christmas card this year - it was addressed only to "Dear Daddy". We are an extremely close family (he's an only child, and we mostly work from home and do lots of activities together all the time), so it feels strange.
When I asked why I wasn't included, he said the teacher had told them it could be addressed to anyone they wanted and that's who he wanted to address it to.
When I pressed for further explanation/discussion of this, DP said I was making to much of a fuss over it, that DS is just 9 and not emotionally mature, and I should just accept his choice and a hastily added 'and mummy' on the card. He did this in front of DS, and I felt pressured to just sweep the issue under the rug, or be branded overly-sensitive or jealous.
Part of me agrees it's not a big deal and DS is emotionally immature, but I am still puzzled as to why it happened, and having reflected on it, it feels like a missed opportunity to help gain some emotional maturity by making him more aware of how his actions and choices affect the feelings of others, and having a discussion about misogyny. Am I being unreasonable?

Agree with everyone else, don't over think it.

One year my dds class were making mothers day cards but one little boy had lost his mother a few days earlier. The kind teacher said "it doesn't HAVE to be for your mum, it can be for someone who takes care of you and you love" so the little boy did one for his dad and my daughter did the same.

I didn't think anything of it.

Yes, at primary my child's teacher couldn't tell them to write a card "to mummy and daddy" because not all of them live with both parents. They can't say "to daddy" when some children don't see their dad. They can't say "to mummy" when some children are fostered or live with other family members under special guardianship. So it comes out as a vague instruction to write to "a grown up who cares for you" and a lot of children will not understand that this means "for those of you who have two parents address it to them."

Given he lost it at the bottom of his school bag for weeks, I think it's pretty clear that it just happened to be who he chose in the moment. He didn't even remember it long enough to give it to him!

@Paperthin @justanothercuppa Yes, many thanks, I loved this one, it was really helpful and informative. x

Gosh OP you'd have had a fit if you had been me when DD came home from preschool with homemade goodies and said "I am going to eat these ones, and these ones are for daddy, and you are going to have a very merry Christmas even though I'm not giving you anything"

I found it hilarious rather than upsetting! It's really not a big deal, kids do this stuff all the time.

"..............he said the teacher had told them it could be addressed to anyone they wanted and that's who he wanted to address it to"

The child is 9, he followed the teachers brief, he sent the card to the person of his choice............do get over it ffs. You'll get yours when they make Mothers Day Card later this year.

I’m not sure the OP is showing very good emotional maturity with her reaction to this so probably leave that lecture for a later decade.

Oh I agree, I just feel like the OP was implying that someone else, at school, should have ensured she was on the card.

Another thing laid at the door of schools. He is her son. She should talk to her own son about it.

"he said the teacher had told them it could be addressed to anyone they wanted and that's who he wanted to address it to

When I pressed for further explanation/discussion of this, DP said I was making to much of a fuss over it"

"I am still puzzled as to why it happened,"

"in all previous years cards have been addressed to both of us, that's why it seemed a bit unusual."

My son of the same age made one and addressed it to his sister. I didn't bat an eyelid. You are massively reading something into this that isn't there OP, and given your son something to feel bad about.
I'm staggered that in the new year this is still on your mind. Give your head a wobble.

You sound more emotionally immature than your son.

Yes, you're being massively unreasonable. Seems to me DS misunderstood the instruction and thought it had to be addressed to one person. This time he chose daddy. To turn that into some form of life lesson about other people's feeling and...misogyny (what now??) is hugely disproportionate. Honestly, I think its you who needs to develop emotional maturity because you should not be looking to the innocent and unthinking actions of a child making a card to validate you. This sort of preferring of one parent over the other happens all the time with DC and sometimes it's you chosen, sometimes it's the other one. You need to get perspective and not make your son feel bad or obligated, or you may well end up creating the exact situation you fear.

@Ineffable23 Indeed - as I said, we're not really card people, so not really a big deal. I think I wrote on here mainly because, having only one child, I was looking for insight from those who know more about this sort of thing.
Many thanks to all who provided a helpful perspective!

Misogyny is a massive reach. I think by trying to make this a "teaching moment" you will teach him that Mum is super touchy about weird things and in future you'll get cards out of duty, not genuine excitement to give it to you.

@QuillBill Huh? I have no idea what you are talking about... I expect pretty much nothing of his teachers, certainly not that they should direct who he writes to. Definitely got the wrong end of the stick there.

If you only found the card shoved at the bottom of his school bag a week after Christmas it just shows how much we are all right that this wasn't a solo card for a daddy who he worships more than anything.

It was a 9yo doing something he was made to do and forgot about 10 minutes later. Be reassured he's perfectly normal OP

Having more than one child does mean you’re forced to not sweat the small stuff. I think parenthood -especially today- is so fucking intense that you lose the run of yourself. I would say a good rule of thumb is to think: will this bother me next week, next year, at their 21st?

Also, don’t centre yourself in your child’s life. You might have given birth to him but he is his own person with his own life to lead. You’re not the star of his show: he is!

I do think this is something you should get used to.

It’s quite common for kids to make something just for 1 parent but it doesn’t mean they love the other person any less.

I’ve lost count of how many things I made for just my mum and not my dad!

It definitely doesn’t need to be mentioned to him (or DH).
It would be very unfair to use this as a ‘teaching moment’.

My son once made a Mother’s Day card at a playgroup, decided it was for daddy. It was funny! Try not to read too much into it, he’s 9

Maybe he thought of it like being a birthday card where it generally only gets addressed to one person.

As soon as I read the thread title, I thought 'only child'.

Seriously OP, get a grip.

I wouldn't over-think it. He likely mis-understood the instructions, and thought he could only address it to one person, and for whatever reason Daddy was on his mind first.

In my experience, most kids are SO secure in their mums love (usually she's the primary caregiver), that when it comes to a parent they want to impress/butter up, it's the secondary caregiver who gets it.

To tell my own story, my grandad was chuckling well into his old age about a card my mum wrote when she was a little kid. They were writing easter cards in class, and he'd told her off that morning. And when the card came home it said, "To Mummy, but NOT to Dabby!"
We've been laughing at that for over 60 years! The spelling mistake only made it better!

It's okay OP, kids are weird.

I’m sorry but I think your post alone explains why he addressed it to his dad only. You need to calm down and are completely overreacting. If you go on like this you will cause yourself problems with your relationship.

A child in my Reception class wanted his card to be for his grandparents. It turned out they were both dead and he wanted to take it to their grave 😬.

I agree with the poster who said your child probably thought he had to just send it to one person, which is common with kids in this situation. It was 50/50 whether it was you, or your dh. I have a couple of instances that may make you feel better op. Dc1 is a similar age, and I have had to have a conversation recently with him about the fact you can do a joint card for couples.

DC1 once came out with a card that was addressed to himself from himself 🤦🏻‍♀️

DC2 ran out with a homemade paper Mother’s Day flower he was supposed to give to me. He proclaimed it was his, because it had his name on the back (he was very confused by this), and he then got upset, and said I couldn’t steal it from him! All of the other mothers were standing proudly with them, after their excited dcs ran out and gave them over. He is the most thoughtful lovely little boy, he was just very confused by it! 😂

My son’s was addressed to the cat a couple of years ago 🤷🏼‍♀️