To be upset about being left off the parents Christmas card DS (aged 9) made at school this year?

[alixpally]

We are not normally fussed about cards of any kind, so am surprised to find myself a bit upset and puzzled by the fact that DS (9) completely left me off his school handmade Christmas card this year - it was addressed only to "Dear Daddy". We are an extremely close family (he's an only child, and we mostly work from home and do lots of activities together all the time), so it feels strange.
When I asked why I wasn't included, he said the teacher had told them it could be addressed to anyone they wanted and that's who he wanted to address it to.
When I pressed for further explanation/discussion of this, DP said I was making to much of a fuss over it, that DS is just 9 and not emotionally mature, and I should just accept his choice and a hastily added 'and mummy' on the card. He did this in front of DS, and I felt pressured to just sweep the issue under the rug, or be branded overly-sensitive or jealous.
Part of me agrees it's not a big deal and DS is emotionally immature, but I am still puzzled as to why it happened, and having reflected on it, it feels like a missed opportunity to help gain some emotional maturity by making him more aware of how his actions and choices affect the feelings of others, and having a discussion about misogyny. Am I being unreasonable?

If made at school then teacher may have said "make a card for someone it can be your mum, dad, gran, aunt" of course this could also mean mum and dad but 8 year old took as pick one.

I always say to my kids that they can write the card to anyone they want - we do two and I tell them that’s partly because some people’s parents live separately. Generally I say do one to whoever who looks after you at home and then maybe think of someone else (or group of people) you’re going to see over Christmas. I don’t tend to read their messages as they’re in Year 6 and actually sometimes they write quite personal and heartfelt things, but I often see who they write to and it’s so common that kids whose parents live together just do it to one of their parents. I actually think sometimes they look at the card design and think that their mum might really like that one or something!

I really would not read into it at all. And certainly do not use this as an opportunity to talk about misogyny with your young son who has done nothing wrong.

I have just looked up "misogyny" and nowhere on the list of explanatory examples given can I find "non inclusion by a child of a female parent on a Christmas card". Does anyone have any experience of editing a Wikipedia entry?

As a primary teacher I think this is a result of teachers making sure they are covering all family types when the cards are being made. So as the children are making the cards the teacher will say multiple times you could send it to mum, dada, dad and mum, mum and mum, someone special........ Children listen only part of the time and his ears may have been open when the teacher said, you could send it to dad. I have had this happen many times.

Last year DS' class did the same.
DS addressed his card to his cousin because that's the first person he thought of....

I was chatting to another mum who said her son addressed it to another boy in the class!

They're just kids and I wouldn't read too much into it. Not everything has to be a 'teachable moment'

I’m not sure the OP is showing very good emotional maturity with her reaction to this so probably leave that lecture for a later decade.

It sounds to me that he's taken the instruction literally. Which is fine! My son did something similar when he was small and it stung a bit as I'm a lone parent but I didn't dwell on it.

Spare a thought for the parent of the child I support who made his "for home" card but proudly wrote it out to me! I said shall we do one for mummy and he said no 🥴. Children do weird things!

My child addressed the (3!)school cards to me only. By name I'll add, not mam/mum etc. I asked why there wasn't one for dad and the answer was "you've been working more and I miss you" perhaps your son had similar feelings about his dad.

I have said YANBU. However, the likely scenario is a hard-pressed teacher (and possibly covering whilst some other Christmas activity was going on) doing this activity for Christmas and trying to cover all possible relationships within the class without having to single anyone out and say, 'you can address it to grandma'/'foster mum' etc, whoever the child's main carer is. General instructions tend to get misunderstood by young children, who need specific instructions (9 is very young these days). Your DS probably thought he could only put one name on - though his explanation needed a bit of probing, perhaps?

He's getting to an age where dad becomes more important. Don't make a thing of it - it's lovely that he wants to do that.

That was my first thought too. I know my DS would have written as few words as possible at 9.

YABU

The teacher would have asked who he wanted to make his card for and he would have said “my dad”.

He would not have thought to himself about intentionally leaving you off.

Do you think he left you off to purposely hurt you?
He’s 9 and really isn’t thinking that deeply about it.

My niece did one for my DD but didn’t include my name and I didn’t think twice about it because it was a card that was for my DD.

I think it’s very unfair that you told DP that you were upset over it.
I would apologise.

You're completely overthinking this in a way that a 9 year old just doesn't. There is no sign of any misogyny.

He's 9 and wrote his card to his dad, maybe he feels he has to impress him more, maybe he thought his dad would particularly like the picture, maybe he was thinking about his dad at the time, maybe his friend wrote his to his dad and he just did the same. Christmas is over now and you need to put this behind you.

Thank goodness you didn't turn it into a 'teaching moment' @alixpally . That would have turned your poor kid away from ever sending you cards or making any similar gesture. Six decades ago my mum did something similar when I was a child, and I still have a visceral memory of how hurt and anxious it made me, when I'd tried to do a nice thing.

I think there must be something bigger that is bothering you in the family dynamic if you feel upset and left out over a card.

I wouldn't try to figure out the thought pattern of what a 9 year old did in a certain moment in time. If he had been asked to write the card the next day, he might have done it to both of you, or just to you! Personally if my DS wrote a card just addressed to his dad, I would think that is kind of adorable and my husband would be chuffed. I know that I am loved by my DC so this wouldn't phase me, but as it has phased you, you need to reframe it as you are taking it too personally.

First of all, misogyny is a stretch here. If anything it’s really good to see that Dad is a present enough parent that he warrants a card and DS doesn’t see Mum as default parent.

But you are over thinking it. If anything it’s a lesson for you to learn that your son has a relationship with his dad separately to you, and he can give gifts to you independently. I’m sure you’ll get another card just to you at some point, but you don’t get to muscle in on someone else’s gift just because you feel left out. He’s a child, it’s not that deep.

I wouldn't worry. He probably thought that a card should be for one person like a birthday card would be. I wouldn't ready anything into it.

ds2 did this one year when he was similarly told he could write his Christmas card he was making in school to someone special - except he chose the Easter Bunny who he had a fascination with for several years! So neither DP nor I got a look in that year…

The one that came first that hurt the most was when ds1 created a Father’s Day card that said something along the lines of I hope you get another wife! Took quite a while to figure that out - turned out one of his friends in school was a twin (other twin was also in school but in a different class so didn’t know him as well) and the twins had two mummies who they really loved and who were excellent. So Ds thought of one mummy is good then two mummies must be great and it would mean that there Was someone to share all the mummy duties, so more time for them to spend time with him and his dad. Unfortunately he hadn’t clicked that they didn’t have a dad as well; that it was just two mummies, so his 5-6 yr old brain had extrapolated this into thinking it would be great for dh to have an extra new wife so he could get the benefit of both mummies… That really hurt - until I heard the explanation, at which point it became much funnier and I was able to chuckle.

Never forgot quite how horrible it felt though when I thought that Ds wanted to get rid of me completely and for dh to have a new wife while he got a new mummy - so I definitely get where you’re coming from OP!

You've laid a guilt trip on a child. Massive overreaction.

Poor kid.

We are an extremely close family (he's an only child, and we mostly work from home and do lots of activities together all the time), so it feels strange.

You need a life, you are going to suffocate that child.

By all means, doing lots for your child is being an amazing parent, no question about that. But you must give him space to.

My youngest made us a Christmas card and wrote to 'Dan and Mel'. Those are not our names.

My Son once addressed his to his imaginary friend. You are overreacting

We tell the kids in our classes they can write it to whoever they want. Some choose parents, grandparents, the dog or some love writing it to themselves!

What a lovely reply from @justanothercuppa which pretty much explains everything. I hope that’s reassuring @alixpally