To be upset about being left off the parents Christmas card DS (aged 9) made at school this year?

[alixpally]

We are not normally fussed about cards of any kind, so am surprised to find myself a bit upset and puzzled by the fact that DS (9) completely left me off his school handmade Christmas card this year - it was addressed only to "Dear Daddy". We are an extremely close family (he's an only child, and we mostly work from home and do lots of activities together all the time), so it feels strange.
When I asked why I wasn't included, he said the teacher had told them it could be addressed to anyone they wanted and that's who he wanted to address it to.
When I pressed for further explanation/discussion of this, DP said I was making to much of a fuss over it, that DS is just 9 and not emotionally mature, and I should just accept his choice and a hastily added 'and mummy' on the card. He did this in front of DS, and I felt pressured to just sweep the issue under the rug, or be branded overly-sensitive or jealous.
Part of me agrees it's not a big deal and DS is emotionally immature, but I am still puzzled as to why it happened, and having reflected on it, it feels like a missed opportunity to help gain some emotional maturity by making him more aware of how his actions and choices affect the feelings of others, and having a discussion about misogyny. Am I being unreasonable?

Perhaps your son misunderstood that the card has to be doe one person only?

Perhaps you receive more cards addressed to you than your husband so he was evening it up a little?

Perhaps in the moment he just felt that he wanted to thank his daddy. It's probably not because he doesn't love you, just at that moment daddy was on his mind.

Good grief, he wanted to send it just to his dad! Nothing more to it, doesn't matter if you're an "extremely close family" or not. It's not about you - DS wanted to make that particular card for his dad. I think you missed the mark here and spoilt a nice moment between them.

Yes, I think you are.

Being taken for granted by our dc just shows that they are secure in their connection with us, and don't feel they have to make an extra effort. I don't think it's anything to do with misogyny.

If you wanted a card yourself, you could just have said 'Oh, that's a lovely card you made for Dad, I'd love one too, could you make another one for me?'. And turned it into a positive rather than a negative thing.

I'd bet he would have been delighted to make one in those circumstances.

Did you you ask your DS, but your DP answered for him??

It sounds like it’s hit a nerve, but try to reframe it to something like how special my son adores his daddy.

You are overthinking this. Don't fuss.

I was going to say you're overreacting as I wouldn't be fussed if my child did this but then again my DC is only four, and perhaps it feels more pointed when they're a bit older and in theory should be a bit more aware of the impact this sort of thing has. I hope you all had a lovely Christmas anyway.

Happened to me a few times when my kids were younger. Honestly it's just a child in the moment, let it go. I know it feels horrid but it doesn't mean anything. I promise.

Honestly don’t overthink this. When I was about the same age we made a felt purse at school for some occasion- possibly Mother’s Day or Easter and I gave it to my friend’s mother! No idea why.

Its a bit sad but absolutely isn’t an indication of him not loving you as much.

You are being ridiculous. He would have probably been told to address the card to a family me.ber so he just chose one of you. It is not a reflection on your relationship. You really should should not see your relationship as a competition.

I think you're over thinking this. DD is 6 and often comes home with cards she's made at school. Some are addressed to me, some to DH and some to both of us. Just whoever she felt like making it for at the time.

As a teacher who has witnessed hundreds of christmas cards making sessions, children do this all the time. I’d have children every year trying to write their cards to me and I’d keep saying ‘this is for someone lovely at home who looks after you, who could it be for?’ and they’d say they had no idea! I had loads of it being addressed to just Mum or just Dad and I’d have to try and gently push them to write both. Lots of them are also bored to tears of all the Christmas activities by the end of the Christmas period that they only spend about five seconds on their card and don’t pay it much thought at all. Please don’t overthink it, it won’t have been an hour long activity in which children were asked to carefully consider their most loved person and your DS said ‘Daddy’.

You're husband is right you're massively overthinking this. It's a card and at the time of making it he wanted to write it to his dad I suspect if he'd just written it to you then you'd be thinking his dad was making a fuss over nothing.

Please remember not everything needs to be a life lesson and the fact you're still musing over it weeks later is a little ridiculous.

To add to my last post, what PP describes here is honestly the norm with children at school when we make these! We say ‘write this to someone very special who helps look after you’ and the kids want to give it to someone completely random.

I think you need to let it go. He might be 9 but that’s still so small. My 9 year old ranked the family in order of who she loved most. I was behind her brother and her dad (my ex husband, who only sees her every other weekend and has no parental responsibility other than to play with her when he sees her) yea it hurt BUT I recognise she doesn’t really understand these things yet and can’t help how she feels. So I laughed it off. For full disclosure she is on the spectrum and is very literal and black and white.
Then she came home from school a week later having made a Christmas card addressed just to me. Not me and her step dad or her bio dad just me. Kids are fickle. I’d obviously popped up her ladder a bit. 🤣

You are his secure base. He knows you always here his back. He may feel less secure that his dad will always be there. Not even necessarily due to dh behaviour but he will have observed friends/ classmates who predominantly live with their mother.

One year the Christmas card design that my youngest came home with (you know when they design them and then you buy Christmas cards with that design on them and the money goes to the pta) featured my youngest, her brother and her dad dancing round the Christmas tree together. I queried where I was and apparently I wasn't in it because I was off making the Christmas dinner - but my husband cooks Christmas dinner every year! Admittedly she was six or seven rather than nine but I just laughed. I was and still am her preferred parent for pretty much everything so that helped not to read too much into it. Honestly OP I would laugh this one off.!

This is a massive overreaction. He wanted to make a card for his dad. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you, and it isn't anything to do with misogyny. He just thought of his dad in that moment and that's fine.

Whether you're a close family or not, there will always be special moments between him and his dad, and some special moments between you and him. It's fine to form those relationships individually; it doesn't weaken the family as a whole.

Kids are so literal at that age.

Address to anyone to want would have been translated by many as anyone.

Therefore they choose someone

My ds sometimes choose nanny or grandad that that age. They don't stop and think deeply about the emotions of the people they literally get told to choose someone and they do - then crack on with the fun bit of making it!

My DD once wrote hers to the cat as she'd done a drawing of a Christmas tree and our cat liked to climb it.

She also did them to my DParents as well.

There is more to how you are feeling about this than just about the card. I can imagine if I was generally feeling excluded or underappreciated I might feel this way about the card but if all else was well I'd see the sweet and funny side. I think you need to consider what underlies your feeling and work on this day to day as a family and not make it about a card your child made in the moment for his dad.

My first thought was that he misunderstood the teacher, who said "anyone". Children can be very literal sometimes, I wouldn't get too upset about it.

Doesn't mean he loves you any less or that he was being misogynistic. Just means that at 2.30 on a wet Thursday afternoon when he was doing the card, that was who he thought of. Could just of easily been you, or the dog, or a friend.

I'd guess he thought he was following the instructions given at school. My then 10 year old DS came home from school with a father's day card addressed to his pet fish - school had fallen over themselves so hard to emphasise that it was a card for someone you care about and to not mention fathers in case the DC didn't have one, that he hasn't actually realised that what he was making was a fathers day card! I bet your DCs school did similar, clumsily trying to be inclusive or all family types and just managing to confuse the DC