Blended family/partners kids am I being unfair

[QuirkyCat212]

Friends with partner for 8 years, in a relationship for 9/10 months. Partner has 3 kids (2 are teens and do their own thing don’t see them) youngest is 9. My children are 6 and 10. Very different parenting styles, very different backgrounds (my youngest was recently diagnosed with ADHD and put on meds which has made a huge difference to some of his challenging behaviours however …) I have my own home, car etc - I pay for everything bills etc. Partner has a flat which he stays at sometimes but mostly spends time here and when he has his youngest it’s here. His youngest is quite demanding and cheeky and has really poor manners which I struggle with and pretty much takes over my home when here. There is no set arrangement with partner and his ex - she moved on and had another child and basically when she feels she needs a break youngest is sent here, or to partners moms. Partner is heavily focused on his youngest doesn’t really bother about his elder two but puts it down to them not wanting to bother with him because of their age/friends etc I still think he could make more effort. Small things like what’s app photo will only be of his youngest or when he speaks he will only refer to youngest rather than say “my 3” or use their names, just makes me uncomfortable. I don’t get told when his youngest is coming to stay, just expected to accommodate and pull money out of the sky to care for another child in my home … this Christmas he began buying presents for his youngest in October, his other 2 were not as much of a priority and basically me and them and my 2 were left until 2 and 3 days before Xmas. He blew 2 weeks of wages on further presents for his youngest leaving the household struggling to get by over Xmas then accused me of using him when I commented that there needed to be more structure and communication regarding his son and staying arrangements. My family have made every effort to make him and his son welcome - his mom on the other hand acts like me and my children don’t exist not even so much as an orange was sent for my kids at Xmas. Not to mention he also has a dog which I am expected to look after when he is working - I don’t have a dog by choice and she is boisterous making it difficult for guests/visitors. I just feel completely disrespected and not a priority at all, he says I’m spiteful and don’t want him and his dog or son here it’s more to do with the fact it’s my home not his or ours and I feel taken advantage of 😳am I being unreasonable

It sound like this relationship isn't working for you.
Might be time to call it a day.

You feel taken advantage of because you are being taken advantage of.

You seem to have moved in a partner and his child with your young children long before many people would even have introduced a boyfriend to their young. children — is it any surprise it’s not working?

This.

What positives does he bring to your life?

Personally, I'd be stepping away from this one OP.

Just get rid, your being taken for a mug

I think this relationship has run it's course, it sounds really stressful. What do you think?

You might have missed the first sentence that says we have known each other as friends for 8 years, but yeah I’ve clearly been very naive thanks for your input

It’s emotionally depleting to be honest and he sees no other side to it other than his …… it’s a constant theme of how his youngest feels, as if me and mine should feel guilty for merely existing when he made the decision to be in our lives at this level .. thanks for your comment

So sorry OP but he is taking the absolute piss.

Tell him you don’t want to blend families but are happy to date him. He will find a replacement nanny with a fanny by Valentine’s Day.

He's absolutely taking the piss. He's also a dreadful parent - the full Disney dad/neglectful combo. You can do much better than this. Do you think you're ready to put a stop to it?

Doesn’t matter how long you’ve known him, he’s a shit partner 🤷‍♀️

It sounds it, just completely draining. I feel sorry for his older kids too 😔

I was fully blighted by the “I’m a victim of my ex” story throughout the duration of our friendship, I obviously thought the length of time meant I knew him, I didn’t know him at all obviously 🙄

Snap. The middle one is so humble and wants for nothing he may as well be invisible

Why are your partner and his child spending so much time and staying over in your house after 9months. Doesn't matter that you knew each other before. This is way too soon for all the children involved.

Why are you giving out about how he spends his money? You've been together 9 months, your finances should not be in anyway embroiled at this stage.

Why are you giving out about the fact his ex didn't even send an organs for your kids? Why the hell would she?

Why are you looking after the dog on a regular basis after 9months? This is not your dog, not your problem.

Your title says 'blended family'... no you're not. You've been with this guy 9 MONTHS! Most people wouldn't have even thought of involving their children in their relationship at this stage, let alone have all the children staying together and your BF sleeping over.

And you wonder why it's not working??? 😅 All too much, way too soon and only yourself to blame I'm afraid.

Organs should read oranges!!! 😅

Perhaps if you slowed down with the bombarding reply you would have read it was about his mother not the child’s lol

I didn’t ask to be attacked or to be blamed I came on here because I am quite obviously feeling like something is very wrong and needed help with taking the blinkers OFF and throwing them away, no need for such aggression we all make mistakes 😳or maybe not lol

When he’s having access with his youngest then your partner needs to be staying in his own flat with his son and his dog
It’s best to have this conversation with him now that everything’s moved too fast for you and your children and you need to put the brakes on for you and your families sake. You need to step back and evaluate what does your partner bring to this relationship
The fact that he doesn’t have a relationship with his eldest children and is not pursuing one would be raising major red flags for me along with him calling you names such as spiteful?!

That's really sad 😔 He doesn't deserve any of you.

Start again with him staying over on his own when he doesn't have his son. He needs to put the dog in day care. You had it before you got together?

Even if it's his own mother... why would she be sending gifts for your 3 children? It's been 9 months, the children shouldn't even be involved in your relationship at this stage by most responsible people's standards, let alone be meeting your BFs family as the children of his GF.

You may not have wanted to be blamed, but most of this is your own fault and it's helpful to accept that so that you don't make the same mistake again. Has he taken the piss? Yes. Have you allowed it? Yes. Have you gotten way too involved in each others lives, and involved your own children, far too soon? Absolutely.

So do take the blinkers off and accept that this was all way too fast. You did not allow enough time to establish if your parenting styles, values etc were all aligned before diving right into this relationship and involving all of the children. This is why people should wait to introduce their children into a relationship.

If you're looking for advice on how to change the situation/him.. you can't. Oh sure, you can talk and explain and beg and plead and get angry or give ultimatums but he won't change because it doesn't suit him.

So you have to decide if you can put up with this , and if not(I hope it's not) you end things.

Again, you’ve not read properly, I don’t have 3 kids, he does.
I hear your voice screaming “why doesn’t she just leave him?!” When a woman’s stayed through years of DA…. It’s all good and well reading the riot act when you’re not in it.

Your approach is very condescending and not really what I’m after when I’m already feeling pretty pants as a mother due to this!! Even the most educated people can find themselves victim of these kind of situations, just saying! Thanks though!

Well thanks for being kind about it and not making me feel even more of a mug that’s really appreciated ! X

When I suggested this initially he told me it was all or nothing with him and that I was jealous of his son …….