Blended family/partners kids am I being unfair

[QuirkyCat212]

Friends with partner for 8 years, in a relationship for 9/10 months. Partner has 3 kids (2 are teens and do their own thing don’t see them) youngest is 9. My children are 6 and 10. Very different parenting styles, very different backgrounds (my youngest was recently diagnosed with ADHD and put on meds which has made a huge difference to some of his challenging behaviours however …) I have my own home, car etc - I pay for everything bills etc. Partner has a flat which he stays at sometimes but mostly spends time here and when he has his youngest it’s here. His youngest is quite demanding and cheeky and has really poor manners which I struggle with and pretty much takes over my home when here. There is no set arrangement with partner and his ex - she moved on and had another child and basically when she feels she needs a break youngest is sent here, or to partners moms. Partner is heavily focused on his youngest doesn’t really bother about his elder two but puts it down to them not wanting to bother with him because of their age/friends etc I still think he could make more effort. Small things like what’s app photo will only be of his youngest or when he speaks he will only refer to youngest rather than say “my 3” or use their names, just makes me uncomfortable. I don’t get told when his youngest is coming to stay, just expected to accommodate and pull money out of the sky to care for another child in my home … this Christmas he began buying presents for his youngest in October, his other 2 were not as much of a priority and basically me and them and my 2 were left until 2 and 3 days before Xmas. He blew 2 weeks of wages on further presents for his youngest leaving the household struggling to get by over Xmas then accused me of using him when I commented that there needed to be more structure and communication regarding his son and staying arrangements. My family have made every effort to make him and his son welcome - his mom on the other hand acts like me and my children don’t exist not even so much as an orange was sent for my kids at Xmas. Not to mention he also has a dog which I am expected to look after when he is working - I don’t have a dog by choice and she is boisterous making it difficult for guests/visitors. I just feel completely disrespected and not a priority at all, he says I’m spiteful and don’t want him and his dog or son here it’s more to do with the fact it’s my home not his or ours and I feel taken advantage of 😳am I being unreasonable

For some women, having a man - no matter how shit he is - is better than having no man.

Well done for getting rid. I think you've saved yourself and your children a lot of pain. If he had moved in & got comfortable then no doubt his sppilt golden child would have ended up causing issues with your kids that would go unpunished and it could have been a real tricky atmosphere.

He sounds horrid.

You have done the right thing.

Do not let him back into your home.

In fact do not date him any more.

He is a prick. Best avoided.

A terrible father. A boy child. And mummy's little prince. Ffs. Avoid. Avoid. Avoid. You can do much better.

And yes. Whoever said "he will have another nanny with a fanny by Valentine's Day" is spot on!!!

Oh this was frequent, many disagreements and silent treatments stemmed from this. I even began giving up my own bed for his son because of his tantrums about where he was going to sleep, how foolish 😫

Omg! Where did you sleep, the sofa?

Too much too soon. I know you knew him for 8 years but being in a relationship is different, and 9 months of dating is no time at all, definitely not enough time to have him and his baggage practically moved in. After everything that you've said, is there really any other option but ending the relationship?

Less than a year, you should be in the honeymoon period, not a relationshit.

Dump.

@QuirkyCat212

Whenever I tried this I just got met with pure verbal and a stonewall!

So he went from being charming to behaving like this when things weren't going his way.

Do you ever see him alone or does he tend to appear when he has been asked to look after the youngest?

It's sad he doesn't make any effort with the elder two. Mine still do stuff with us & they are 15 & 16. I'm sure if he offered cinema or bowling or Nando's or something they would go?

Does he contribute in any way or are you supposed to feed everyone when he turns up? If you're working in social housing then I imagine it's enough to live off but not enough to suddenly find extra at the drop of a hat.

I'm intrigued how you knew him if he won't go anywhere socially. That does ring alarm bells to me. Has he got another woman? Has he done anything dodgy?

Either cramped up with my own in his single bed or HIS blow up bed in my front room😳

Why couldn’t your ex cramp up with his son? Did his son sleep in a single bed?

So glad you’re out of this!

Yeah all good on his terms, but the second I expressed any feeling or opinion that sat outside of his terms an explosion. I’d see him without his youngest but didn’t take long for issues to start. Usually over his mess or something trivial.

all I see and hear is phone calls and FaceTimes to youngest - again no structure to it, calls at all times, even always wants to see his kids mums new kid on FaceTime. Says he acknowledges him cos it’s his son’s brother. Fair enough but bit odd

we used to work at the same place, that’s how we met and remained in contact

His son refused the blow up bed so his dad was on it and I was upstairs with my son in his room ….😳me too

With regards contributing- he assumed kids and houses run on fresh air
if money was ever given to me I’d quickly be reminded how he had given his last to me …

Also, his son slapped a cup on the worktop and said “make me a drink” and when I said when you ask properly, can I have a drink please, he looked at me and said “not this again” I said what? Manners, always in this house 😳

Thinking about it there’s quite a few things about his ex (not kids mom, another ex) that he has tried to relive with me
wanting me to wear my glasses all the time
put My hair in plaits
wear it curly as opposed to straight
amongst other things

he has a fetish for stroking nails too, which he did to her, and to his mom as a kid 🙄

@QuirkyCat212

Please don't agree to him coming back. Honestly he sounds awful.

I actually feel a bit sorry for his youngest too as he won't be popular with anyone if he is allowed to behave like that.

I'm astonished his child expected you to give up your bedroom. That's madness.

He really is his dads double 😞

I don't understand, is it over with him or not?

Dear partner… you stay at yours with your children, and I stay at mine. You post for yours, I pay for mine.
lets not be a blended family just yet.

And that’s the point when it became clear that he is a user.

But it’s never too late to change. This is your house and you get to say what happens in it and who stays there and when. To be honest I’d dump him now because of his level of entitlement to your home, money and time - but if you want to keep going you need to set the terms, not him. Take back control - he’s walking all over you.

So glad to read this, OP. New year, new start.

You’re obviously a nice person, trying to accommodate ex’s son requests etc. However, ex has definantly taken advantage of this, and it’s his way or no way. I guess this situation crept up on you, easily done, and now you can see how it really is.

Not cruel!

"He blew 2 weeks of wages on further presents for his youngest leaving the household struggling to get by over Xmas then accused me of using him when I commented that there needed to be more structure and communication regarding his son and staying arrangements."

What exactly are you using him for? You are paying the running costs of the household, accommodating his child at your home on an ad-hoc basis, caring for his dog when you don't want one of your own.

What does he bring to the party? What's in this relationship for you?

I'm not jumping in with LTB, but I think you do need to re-evaluate the friendship/relationship and decide whether it's really what you want. At a minimum, he either needs to ensure his son treats you respectfully when he's at your home. And maybe his contact times should be at his home and not yours, as this seems to be negatively impacting you and your own children. It's definitely not spiteful to want to feel comfortable in your own home.

Read your posts as though you are reading a letter from your friend who is asking you for advice. What would your advice to her be?

Get rid of him, he sounds like a disrespectful prick and a shit father. Basically his eldest have sacked him off so he’s trying to buy the youngest one - and using you to do so. Why are you looking after his kid and dog?? You don’t even want a dog. Get them out and let him leech of some other sucker