Blended family/partners kids am I being unfair

[QuirkyCat212]

Friends with partner for 8 years, in a relationship for 9/10 months. Partner has 3 kids (2 are teens and do their own thing don’t see them) youngest is 9. My children are 6 and 10. Very different parenting styles, very different backgrounds (my youngest was recently diagnosed with ADHD and put on meds which has made a huge difference to some of his challenging behaviours however …) I have my own home, car etc - I pay for everything bills etc. Partner has a flat which he stays at sometimes but mostly spends time here and when he has his youngest it’s here. His youngest is quite demanding and cheeky and has really poor manners which I struggle with and pretty much takes over my home when here. There is no set arrangement with partner and his ex - she moved on and had another child and basically when she feels she needs a break youngest is sent here, or to partners moms. Partner is heavily focused on his youngest doesn’t really bother about his elder two but puts it down to them not wanting to bother with him because of their age/friends etc I still think he could make more effort. Small things like what’s app photo will only be of his youngest or when he speaks he will only refer to youngest rather than say “my 3” or use their names, just makes me uncomfortable. I don’t get told when his youngest is coming to stay, just expected to accommodate and pull money out of the sky to care for another child in my home … this Christmas he began buying presents for his youngest in October, his other 2 were not as much of a priority and basically me and them and my 2 were left until 2 and 3 days before Xmas. He blew 2 weeks of wages on further presents for his youngest leaving the household struggling to get by over Xmas then accused me of using him when I commented that there needed to be more structure and communication regarding his son and staying arrangements. My family have made every effort to make him and his son welcome - his mom on the other hand acts like me and my children don’t exist not even so much as an orange was sent for my kids at Xmas. Not to mention he also has a dog which I am expected to look after when he is working - I don’t have a dog by choice and she is boisterous making it difficult for guests/visitors. I just feel completely disrespected and not a priority at all, he says I’m spiteful and don’t want him and his dog or son here it’s more to do with the fact it’s my home not his or ours and I feel taken advantage of 😳am I being unreasonable

He was packed up and out of here NYE but me being me is wondering have I been cruel! Threads reassured me never to look back!

Lucky bloody escape op...

They choose not to stay with him - eldest is almost 16 and has been like that since before I got with him. Middle one is 13 and was initially coming every weekend but has pulled away. He stayed at Xmas that’s it.

I’ve never understood personally when people move in together so quickly after dating. I know you’ve known him for a long time but it’s still very early to be moving in together and playing happy families. Now you are in the position where you’ve got a blended family that isn’t working too well and if that splits up, it’s the kids that will suffer more than anything.

In my opinion, I’m always wary of people in relationships that seem to have problems so early on. I know it’s not the norm but my husband and I have been together 15 years and I can count the number of arguments we’ve had on one hand. The first year at least of being someone should be the honeymoon period, where you don’t even see their flaws. If it’s jumping out at you already from this early on, I would personally be calling it a day. The resentment will only keep building and you’ll probably end up splitting up in a years time anyway so why put the kids through it?!.

He’s a charmer and I believed our strong friendship was a good foundation, lesson learnt 🙁

To use a cliche, your house, your rules. You decide when dp can stay, and for how long. You decide if it’s convenient isn’t to have his children at your house. You decide if it’s convenient to look after the dog.

I think you need to take back control (and your house). Maybe take a step back in the relationship and establish some boundaries. Remind him it’s your house, not his.

You’re not being spiteful, or unreasonable. He’s taking advantage!

Whenever I tried this I just got met with pure verbal and a stonewall!

Then he’s a bully!

Hopefully your eyes are now open, and you realise you have a cocklodger mummy’s boy on your hand. You’ve done nothing wrong. He seem to think that his life is paramount, and everyone ejse’s opinions are worthless. Time to remove this Leech from your house (and life?).

Literally this. He outsources all the donkey work to any passing female

Ignore his pity party. He needs to sort himself out, take some responsibility and work on himself -but he probably won’t. So rinse and repeat he will be into his next relationship. He will be in victim mode etc etc etc

At least they haven’t properly moved in. The whole thing sounds like a nightmare quite frankly

What a pisstaking, cocklodging, selfish joke of a man.

I hope he took all of his belongings when he left and you've told him not to return OP.

So how does this relationship help or benefit you?

What does he bring to the table for you?

I fail to see what you're getting out of this relationship at all and really hope you keep it ended. He sounds like a massive man baby getting his mum to do all his cleaning and washing and having strops and favouritism of one child over the other two.

The fact things are SO bad after only 9 months when it should still be honeymoon period, means it will only go downhill. I don't even think just dating would work because you already know you can't progress past that as you know how he is when you live together etc.

Oh yes definitely in victim mode. It’s the whole “I just want to die” now

He needs to be in his own flat. It clearly isn't working for you to have him, his son and his dog with you. Obviously it suits him to live with you. You need to be prepared for the relationship to end as he is unlikely to just accept your decision when he is so comfy at yours. You will need to take a deep breath and tell him to return to the flat. Make sure he takes his dog with him. Change the locks.

A realisation that I need to work on something within myself to avoid these kind of situations!

Thankfully he’s not got a key!

Yikes OP you've had a lucky escape, please don't ever be tempted to let him back into your life! He's a user, a mummy's boy, lazy, temperamental, and a truly crap dad. And it's the crap dad bit that would finish it for me. Most unattractive! Onwards and upwards now, best of luck.

He told me he will never love me the way he loves his mother or something to that affect ….

LTB! And I rarely write that ! But really that's just it

Had to google that, can tell I don’t do this often!

I think you’re getting an unfairly harsh time here tbh. (Everyone has the post Christmas blues 😒) Sometimes writing it all down / saying it aloud highlights all the problems & allows you to process what’s been happening so you can make a good decision.
I also think that 9/10 months is quite a long time… BUT.. the lengthy friendship maybe gave you a false sense of reassurance & the reality is now very different. The way he treats his children is dreadfully unfair, he disrespects you, he ‘storms off’ jobs - he’s too long in the tooth to still behave like this. Genuinely what is in it for you? Even if he’s ridiculously hot and a great shag, it’s a general mess & doesn’t sound sustainable 💐

I've read a few threads where someone has started a relationship with a man they've been friends with for years. Each time the woman has felt - with reasonable cause - that she knows him well so puts a lot of faith in the relationship, and he then turns out to be a crap boyfriend who is mainly looking out for himself and to outsource childcare. It's an easy mistake to make because you do know the person and aren't starting from scratch! But I'm glad you've ditched him now. Feel bad for the kids, the middle one especially, but you have your own kids to think of and they have to be the priority. Block him and don't entertain any whining about how it's your fault or you've left him in a difficult position now.

Have you left him op, or has he just returned home after the Christmas period? If the latter, have you any thoughts on what you’re going to do going forward?

Congrats of getting rid of him - and you have this thread to look back on if you ever think of wavering.

His treatment of his kids makes my skin crawl, what a total shit of a man.

Thank you, as I said somewhere up there ^ it’s very much the “why doesn’t she just leave?!” When in reality it’s never that easy. The post is just a SNIPPET of the reality and I’m clearly in the process of the well needed reality check, some people just can’t help but be vile! The sad thing is everyone around me tells me he is absolutely punching but I don’t see that I’m not full of myself at all or shallow and try and focus on the (very few) good points it’s constant push pull love you hate you which made it harder to run away!