Blended family/partners kids am I being unfair

[QuirkyCat212]

Friends with partner for 8 years, in a relationship for 9/10 months. Partner has 3 kids (2 are teens and do their own thing don’t see them) youngest is 9. My children are 6 and 10. Very different parenting styles, very different backgrounds (my youngest was recently diagnosed with ADHD and put on meds which has made a huge difference to some of his challenging behaviours however …) I have my own home, car etc - I pay for everything bills etc. Partner has a flat which he stays at sometimes but mostly spends time here and when he has his youngest it’s here. His youngest is quite demanding and cheeky and has really poor manners which I struggle with and pretty much takes over my home when here. There is no set arrangement with partner and his ex - she moved on and had another child and basically when she feels she needs a break youngest is sent here, or to partners moms. Partner is heavily focused on his youngest doesn’t really bother about his elder two but puts it down to them not wanting to bother with him because of their age/friends etc I still think he could make more effort. Small things like what’s app photo will only be of his youngest or when he speaks he will only refer to youngest rather than say “my 3” or use their names, just makes me uncomfortable. I don’t get told when his youngest is coming to stay, just expected to accommodate and pull money out of the sky to care for another child in my home … this Christmas he began buying presents for his youngest in October, his other 2 were not as much of a priority and basically me and them and my 2 were left until 2 and 3 days before Xmas. He blew 2 weeks of wages on further presents for his youngest leaving the household struggling to get by over Xmas then accused me of using him when I commented that there needed to be more structure and communication regarding his son and staying arrangements. My family have made every effort to make him and his son welcome - his mom on the other hand acts like me and my children don’t exist not even so much as an orange was sent for my kids at Xmas. Not to mention he also has a dog which I am expected to look after when he is working - I don’t have a dog by choice and she is boisterous making it difficult for guests/visitors. I just feel completely disrespected and not a priority at all, he says I’m spiteful and don’t want him and his dog or son here it’s more to do with the fact it’s my home not his or ours and I feel taken advantage of 😳am I being unreasonable

So what kind of advice were you actually looking for?

@QuirkyCat212 you sound like you have a lot going for you you’re financially independent and are parenting 2 children one with adhd which anyone parenting a child with adhd is aware of the difficulty. It sounds like you really don’t need him but he really needs you- (co parenting, spending most of his time at yours, minding his dog)
The fact that he is giving an ultimatum saying it’s all or nothing sounds like he is very controlling and I would implore you to get out now as his behaviour is not going to get better

Listen, you’ve even gone as far as pulling me apart over the title I used on the thread so I don’t think it would matter what I was looking for, you seem like you’d find a fault! Tbh you sound as agressive as the one I’ve made the decision to get rid of. Again thanks for your input and good night

You are right, you have not been as wary as you might have been if you hadn't known him for a while but your relationship is very new.
Time to get rid, he is using you

Sounds like his youngest is Golden child so it's a toxic set up that will only get worst.

First step is you have recognised his draining and toxic behaviour. Turning everything on you is manipulation.

Time to end the relationship, let him find another woman to take care of his dog.

Hw is using you. If he doesn't want to be with you when you tell him to stay at his house with his son, you need to end the relationship.

What's your position financially, OP? Do both you and your partner work?

Yes. His background is civils (engineering) earns a decent whack when he can be bothered to keep his mouth shut and not storm off a job. My role is in social housing. I put paying bills a priority he puts spoiling his youngest and god knows what else above priority bills etc 😳 the more I type the more embarrassing it becomes.

I don't think you are a mug, I think these situations can creep up on you sometimes.

@QuirkyCat212 Also a blended family here so I understand 💐 Would you be in a financial position to house all of the kids OK? Our 4.5 yo is still in with us currently and it's a bit of a nightmare! I have two teenage sons EOW.

@QuirkyCat212 absolutely agree with both posts from @Cantthinkofausername2022

You are not being unreasonable, in the slightest.

Look what you've said @QuirkyCat212

He accused me of using him when I commented that there needed to be more structure and communication regarding his son and staying arrangements

He also has a dog which I am expected to look after when he is working - I don’t have a dog by choice and she is boisterous making it difficult for guests/visitors.

I just feel completely disrespected and not a priority at all.

You ARE being disrespected and are certainly NOT his priority.

You will be fine though @QuirkyCat212 (not to minimise) because, actually, you hold all the cards. 🌻

I bet he did.

Don’t beat yourself up @QuirkyCat212 You aren’t the first woman to be hoodwinked like this and sadly you won’t be the last. You saw a chance of warmth and companionship and you took it.

It hasn’t worked out. That’s OK. All relationships end one way or another. Just dust yourself down and make plans for a great 2025 for yourself.

His 3 live full time with their mum and her new partner and new son. It gets manic there so she bats off youngest when it suits but he is also being taught (by his mom and dad /him how to play people off against each other to get his own way, sad really) I see my “partner” has had a string of failed relationships since leaving his child’s mum but she has settled and seems happy enough, speaks volumes really doesn’t it

he has no rights or anything to my home and we don’t share children x

@QuirkyCat212 well yes, because your title is ridiculous, you're not a blended family.

And nah, I'm not aggressive, just sick of hearing about yet another woman with children, throwing her family into a relationship in a recklessly short period of time and then wondering why it's not working out.

And I say this as a single parent who dates so not sitting on a high horse here with a nuclear family.

Youve messed up and he's taking the piss. Best thing you can do now is end the relationship.

Best of luck with it all, I'll exit your thread now. 👍

He is gaslighting you OP.

Seriously, I would dump him he is no good and if you continue in the relationship it will only become worse.

You are letting him hold all the cards and call the shots……it all or nothing with him!!!

Start to take control because this will only get worse, and the only people who will suffer will be you and your kids.

Time to throw this one back and start to take control over your life my lovely x

@QuirkyCat212 I just cannot understand why he thinks you are using him??? the reverse is obviously true. he is using your electricity, your food, your water, your services, your goodwill and all your amenities for his child and he is not even living with you!! it makes you wonder what his flat is like?? does it not have running water or electricity which he could use while having his son and his own dog??? you need to send him packing girlie!!

You allowed this situation, thus I voted YABU.

You've allowed this cocklodger and his youngest child to disrupt your children's home (purported 'safe space').

Get. Rid.

Poor you I really feel for you in this position. It really does sound like nothing is going to change about him though, so I’m afraid I’d also be tempted to end things, or very much roll them back to just dating just the two of you, no blended family element. It all sounds far too stressful and he does sound like he is taking advantage, playing the victim, not aligned with your parenting values and I’m not sure you gain anything but stress by being with him. Unless he’s a god in bed I’d get rid! 🤣

So sorry, @QuirkyCat212 . He needs to go.
He is hugely taking advantage of you.

He’s almost 38 and leaves his daily tidying to his mum who will walk the 20 minute journey to do it for him, along with his washing as he cba to fix his broken machine …… but his mum says he’s a grown man and doesn’t get involved when I’ve tried to approach the convo about some of his disrespect. Flat is not to my standards

This is unnecessary and mean spirited. OP has come on for advice not to have her good intentions for this relationship or parenting critiqued. If you can’t think of anything nice to say…

I don’t see what on earth you are getting from this situation or relationship.

Forgot to add, apparently I have used him to give my kids a “normal” Christmas 🤷🏽‍♀️