Son has just told us he is non binary

[Chipshopninja]

13 years old

Wants us to use they/them

He came out as Bi a a couple of years ago and I was fine with that but this has really hit me hard

I'm terrified that this is going to lead to hormones and surgery.

Don't know why I'm posting tbh but feeling crappy because I didn't handle it well. I cried.

I can't call him my son anymore

He's my only child

Has anyone else been through this?

It’s in the same category as mermaids, unicorns and fairies. Ie, made up nonsense.

Oh God, that's just reminded me of when our DD's were at their all girls' grammar school. There was suddenly a huge increase in random fainting, it was quite the thing for a while.

My friend worked in the Pastoral Office and said some days they'd have girls lined up on the floor like something out of the Battle of the Somme.

I made it very clear to our DDs that I would be distinctly unimpressed to ever get a phone call from the school saying one of them had fainted.

I’ll actually parent my well-adjusted children over ‘making them feel heard and accepted’ thanks. We talk, I listen and am perfectly able to disagree and explain why. Utter wet, woolly tosh. It’s this kind of guff that leads to the ‘bring your whole self to work’ nonsense that we’re seeing everywhere.

You can avoid pronouns altogether - I try to do this around trans/NB teens (loads of my kids' friends were for awhile and I just couldn't keep up!). It means you can stick to your own guns while not being seen as provocative or offensive.

If his dad asks where he is I say "oh he's just gone upstairs"

• 'upstairs'

"Can you ask X to get his shoes on I've asked him 3 times already"

• can you ask X to put shoes on, I asked 3 times already

"X can't find his school bag any idea where it is"

• Any idea where X's school bag is?

Oh dear - this whole ‘validation’ of a dangerous ideology is the worst kind of parenting. Why would anyone in their right mind ‘accept’ a declaration of something that doesn’t exist? Ok, maybe a toddler might want you to go along with the pretence that he’s really a dinosaur, but a young teen claiming to be non-binary? It’s utter nonsense and that child needs to know it is, not have their delusions supported. If you had a dc with anorexia, would you go along with their delusion of being overweight and encourage them to stop eating? Of course not.

"Give them space to explore themselves"

Oh dear God, what a load of arrant nonsense. Young teens need to know that you are their sensible adult who is happy to protect them from certain silly delusions like this.

When I was 11 or 12 I went through a gender identity phase and believed that I was 'genderfluid'. I was really just going through a tomboy phase as I was struggling to cope with puberty, sexualisation and all the stuff girls face. If I had told my parents and if they had supported it, I would in hindsight be absolutely mortified. I'm so glad I never told a great deal of people about it, let alone start to live life as a 'genderfluid' person. He will probably be so embarrassed looking back on this in a couple years time. Be kind to him, being a teenager is so rough, but you must not feel like you need to endorse this social media fuelled nonsense.

It sounds as if you're managing it pretty well, based on your update. I'd be checking his Internet use, though - is he going on dubious sites, talking to people who don't necessarily have his best interests at heart?

This.

Really?

Do you live in the SE by any chance!!

I have an 18 year old, they tried this but I didn't entertain it. They wanted to be a ridiculous name (Leopard). I said your friends can call you want you want but it's for your friends, don't put it on others. They stopped asking pretty quickly, whereas all of her friends parents who went along with it are still using they/them pronouns (including the ones who follow every typical sex stereotype) and a couple have changed from they them to he/him and one has started Testosterone. Lots of parents say there is no risk going along with it as they can change their mind but I strongly disagree.

This will just alienate OPs son.

I know people want to feel like they are supporting their children and all that, but at 13 he doesn't even know advanced math yet, let alone if he is non-binary. I find it amusing that kids get so caught up in these fads. Like it's COOL to run around saying you are this and that cause it gives them something to identify with. Like jocks with football or basketball, girls with cheer team, like in my generation kids who got caught up in The Moonies, EST, gang bangers, etc. Seems most kids go through a phase where they need to feel like they belong in a group that defines and acknowledges them. This is just one of those phases.

I would tell him that he could be a they them when he is 18 and out of my house. Until then he is my son, and I will not be using any odd improper use of English pronouns to describe him or anyone else. He will either get over it and laugh at himself in a year or two, or be mad but have to wait until he is an adult for that nonsense. Either way my life is not going to be impacted by any kid fad

What with lockdown, and increased social media and phone usage amongst children, it’s no wonder they are so susceptible to picking up on this type of thing. OP, I can understand why this is a worry for you. Try and play it down as much as possible and not draw too much attention to it. The book Trans by Helen Joyce might be worth a read.

I guess a good opportunity to talk about gender, that it’s a social construct that damages men and women and it’s fine not to embrace that. Separate from sex as a biological matter. I’d stick to those lines.

Might be time to start looking into some feminist resources to share to help him place gender where it belongs.

But you’ve still said his and he’s! -lol-

And this is what really worries me. Youngsters are going round thinking they have to totter around like Barbie, or a resembling a Towie woman to be seen as a girl otherwise they are trans. It is just appearances & belief in gender stereotypes which is driving this.

are there not enough role models these days to show this is not the case? Why aren’t schools fighting these stereotypes which must be impacting girls taking up STEM subjects.

I see non-binary people as people who don’t want to be labelled by what’s in their pants, they just want to be seen as humans. I don’t really see an issue with this, when you see how much gender stereotyping and sexism there is in our society.

I am gender critical, but don’t have an issue with anyone wanting to be non-binary tbh. They’re not doing any harm to anyone, they’re not forcing themselves into women’s safe spaces for example.

I would go along with your offspring’s wishes and not contradict them. If you do you’re risking pushing them further down this path. It’s extremely unlikely they’ll go down the surgery route. Non-binary doesn’t mean eunuch!

Rather than counselling, to I want to suggest reading "when your child says they're trans" I haven't read it but I have read other books by one of the authors. They are psychotherapists who want parents to be empowered.

It sounds like you've got this, in telling your child you won't be using pronouns.

Many female non binary people are taking testosterone and having surgery to remove their breasts. This is absolutely harmful and as usual, it's females bearing the brunt of it. I don't hear anything about male non binary people opting for surgery or taking hormones, so I don't think the op needs to worry in that regards.

Limit his internet usage

They are doing harm. if we accept the idea as true that a person can be neither male or female, or indeed both, rather than acknowledging the material reality that people are either male or female, we then also have to accept the idea that a person can change their sex.

It is the start of a very slippery slope.

And as I’m sure you know, Cass showed us that social transition is not a neutral act. It starts children on a pathway that is hard for them to divert from.

@fadthisis I was wondering the same thing.

I hate how this has become fashionable in school. It weakens the real meaning of it when it is actually relevant. I have absolutely no problem when adults that know what they are talking about apply gender/lack of to themselves because there has been terrible atrocities happen in the past and even now, but to make it something disposable and bound to the societal pressures of school is ridiculous. End of.