Son has just told us he is non binary

[Chipshopninja]

13 years old

Wants us to use they/them

He came out as Bi a a couple of years ago and I was fine with that but this has really hit me hard

I'm terrified that this is going to lead to hormones and surgery.

Don't know why I'm posting tbh but feeling crappy because I didn't handle it well. I cried.

I can't call him my son anymore

He's my only child

Has anyone else been through this?

Could you try talking to him about the different ways to be a man?

Not immediately but over the next few weeks.

I'd agree that gender stereotypes are a load of nonsense and there's not one way to be a man. It's fine to be into dancing, to be bi, to be gay, to be whatever form suits him.

But that biology is important and that there are things like male specific cancers and other health conditions (for both sexes - good to give him women's perspective as well) that you can't opt out of.

That things like pronouns will get muddled and that it doesn't mean you don't see him 'right' because you just see him as x and that whatever title you give it doesn't change the character you love.

I think the goal here is to acknowledge he has different feelings but to not fall further down the gender rabbit hole and to stop too much navel gazing. You can be you but you can't force others to see you in a particular way by demanding it.

I don't want to be judgmental but I'm 50 soon and I just don't remember this being a thing when I was a teen. Young people - in their formative years - are so impressionable and these so-called 'professionals' who endorse and encourage such life-changing decisions at this stage of life are reprehensible. Lots of teens are confused about sex and gender as they struggle to navigate their way through a difficult time of life. I would try to be understanding and supportive, but at the same time impress upon them that there will be no major life-altering actions will be happening till they reach adulthood.

Really don’t worry OP ..this is where the internet is absolute shit and brainwashes young people !
My daughter and all her friends at a high achieving grammar school about 15 years ago were all ‘bulimic’ and self harming…guess what they are all in their late 20s early 30s and have decent jobs, families etc . Your son will get over it.
Can honestly say that after having three children and meeting their cohorts there was only one who transitioned and it was the right decision for them ! Hang on in there X

I would watch the movie, "Billy Elliot" with your son. It's a WONDERFUL movie about a boy who loved ballet and eventually persevered to be a grown man who was a professional ballet dancer. It's magical and no where does it show that he was really a boy trapped it a girl's body (Billy's not even gay, although there's a sympathetic part about his friend who is). It shows Billy was simply a boy who loved to dance and overcame the stereotype that boys don't dance to become a man who did.

My DD said from about 9 that she was gay. She has also made noises about non-binary.

Now 13, and awaiting a CAHMS appt to confirm neurodivergence, she's back to being a girl and haa stopped talking about her sexuality.

We think she was searching for answers to explain what she perceived as her difference from her peers.

We very adopted a 'we love you but you're way too young to worry about any of this. Let's check back in down the line'. Didn't dismiss it but didn't give it much space either.

In response to a parent who commented "My DS 11 isn't interested in girls (or boys) yet so I would say it's really early to define himself. Is he being influenced by older friends/online community?" you said:
"I'm not sure why mumsnetters think it's strange for an 11 year old boy to be straight, gay, or bisexual. Obviously, 11 year olds can experience sexual arousal and can be attracted to other people. Just not to the same extent as an adult".

Sexual orientation is "the emotional, romantic, or sexual attraction that a person feels toward another person". (Other definitions are available).

You were trying to shame Mumsnetters from expressing legitimate concerns about children being sexualised at an early age. Parents should not be shamed for insisting that children are entitled to be safeguarded.

DId you mean 'Peter put your shoes on' and 'Where is Peter' lol

ffs they are all ‘non binary’ and ‘bisexual’. It a pile of crap. My younger daughter told me she was bisexual when about 12. I said ‘darling, that’s fine but you are too young to define yourself’ then she told me she was gay at 16ish I said ‘ok sweetheart. I love you’. I’m still not convinced she won’t pitch up (at 19) with a boyfriend but I don’t care as long as any partner is nice. She’s a funny, smart, tomboyish girl with lots of friends of both sexes. My son is autistic and decided he was trans and to my horror the school was affirming.I went absolutely ballistic with the school - a human hurricane of rage - to demand this stop immediately. I told my son he was my son, he was perfect as he was and I loved him with my whole heart. I made it clear there would be no pronouns crap or pretending he wasn’t the boy he was. I was not having it. Got him a phone contact with minimal data and blocked social media like Reddit on the home WiFi. It went off at night. Encouraged all interests that had nothing to do with stupid fucking ‘gender’. Five years later he’s still autistic (obviously) but is still using his name, we still call him ‘he’ and he’s just been chatting to me cheerfully with a faceful of curated facial hair and in men’s clothing. Do not get counselling! Counsellors have to sign up to the cult and ‘affirm’. Go fucking ballistic at the school. There’s nothing wrong with your lovely kid that strictly restricting the internet, encouraging hobbies, love and healthy scepticism won’t fix. He’s your son and will always be your son.

👏👏👏

Love the "human hurricane of rage" 😂

Sorry but how is this weird? People can know they’re gay from a very young age.

@MrsOvertonsWindow In response to a parent who commented "My DS 11 isn't interested in girls (or boys) yet so I would say it's really early to define himself. Is he being influenced by older friends/online community?"

Yes. "Interest" refers to what's going on in the mind and feelings. Not actions.

Sexual orientation is "the emotional, romantic, or sexual attraction that a person feels toward another person". (Other definitions are available).

Yes. Feelings. That's what I said.

You were trying to shame Mumsnetters from expressing legitimate concerns about children being sexualised at an early age.

Not at all. I was expressing my bemusement at people who seem to think that 11 year olds don't experience sexual attraction, yet, every single one of us was 11 years old in the past, and the overwhelming majority will recall feeling sexual attraction at that age.

You need to treat this the same as if you would if he announced he identified as a cat.

“Ok sweetheart. Well you
know you’re not a cat. You’re a human and of course I’m not going to pretend you’re a cat because that wouldn’t be true”.

And I would be going fucking POSTAL at the school.

At 11 I definitely knew that I liked boys so I really don't think it's too young to have considered who you find attractive.

OP - regardless of opinions on pronouns, I think it's really admirable that your child feels that they can communicate openly with you. That's quite precious really and I hope it continues for you.

I think you’ve actually handled it all quite well OP.

I would be inclined to listen and say you understand at that age everyone is trying to find their place in the world but labelling yourself doesn’t define who you really are. You will only be happy with yourself if you do the things that make you happy and be friends with people that make you happy. Concentrating on the things that make you feel good is the only way to find happiness in this world- not worrying about other people’s use of pronouns.

I do see a lot of parents these days who really do seem so unsure of themselves and slightly afraid of their children's reactions, as though they have no self-confidence that they know how to cope with them. Or they seem to know that they don't want to be shouty and unengaged like their own parents but haven't found a happy sweet spot (confident, kind leadership!) between that and permissive parenting.

This is such a perceptive comment.

It’s very likely an exposure thing, he’ll probably grow out of it - don’t panic. Do I get it? Not at all. Do I respect it? Sure.

When my DD was in HS every other kid had “a tic”. One of them “couldn’t help meowing”. Every other word had a meow.

She finished HS, got a job and grew out of her meows. Probably happens to most of them.

What she said

Counselling has been shown to be the most helpful treatment for gender dysphoria in children. That's why.

A counsellor is not there to push their beliefs onto the patient, but to talk through any issues that may be contributing to this feeling, to help the patient better understand themselves.

A bit like if you go for marriage counselling the counsellor is not there to say "you are married to the wrong person" they are there to help you figure out your best way forward.

Gender dysphoria is not the same as not wanting to confirm to gender stereotypes anyway

Schools have no fucking business meddling in the psychological health of children - the teachers are not qualified to do so and the only ones desperate to do so are the ideological activists types who have some sort of social justice itinerary and want to forge young minds in that ideology.

I would complain to ofsted - the Cass report has been out for ages and does not support the school's stance.

I would possibly also contact transgender trend for support.

My daughter told us that she wished to use the gender pronouns he/him, and formally change name to a masculine one. I will support my children with whatever they want to do - I have brought up them up to know their own minds. We have changed names, and sorted it out with the school.

I am upset that the name I chose has been rejected, and that the world has one less spiky girl. I’m proud of all my children for knowing what they want from life, though.

The therapy world has been ideologically taken for a while - therpists have been banned and thrown out for not agreeing to follow the affirmation model - I would be careful selecting the therapist.

He does not need a label and the school are seriously remiss to feed this phase. Tell him that you love him dearly and that you know that over time these things will become clearer to him. But just now a label is not the way to go as so much changes during the teen years.
I have a GC who identifies as non-binary. In their twenties now and has had our love all through... but we did not encourage the label. They are now happy in their own skin. Another GC who came up with this at 12 was told they did not need a label ... they are settled in their born sex now and happy.
I would be raging at the school. How dare they interfere in such a sensitive family issue.

My 12yo daughter told us she was trans because she wasn't a "girly girl", and wanted to change her name to a gender neutral one.

We had a talk and she decided to embrace herself instead of trying to fit in somewhere on the fucking sparkly rainbow.

Op stop pussyfooting around. You are not his friend you are his mother. I have no time for this non binary nonsense he would have got a short shift from me and I would be carrying on calling him 'him'. I would also be complaining to the school not to feed into this crap. The other posters are probably better advisors though at saying ignore ignore because to be honest it is attention that he wants.

Well said.