Page 10 | Son has just told us he is non binary

Chipshopninja · 2025-01-02T19:31:27+00:00

13 years old Wants us to use they/them He came out as Bi a a couple of years ago and I was fine with that but this has really hit me hard I'm terrified that this is going to lead to hormones and surgery. Don't know why I'm posting tbh but feeling crappy because I didn't handle it well. I cried. I can't call him my son anymore He's my only child Has anyone else been through this?

katepilar · 02/01/2025 22:35

Upstartled · 02/01/2025 19:49

So just use his actual name? Can you ask Peter to put his shoes on/ Peter where he's gone? etc.

Can you ask Peter to put HIS shoes on.

Soontobe60 · 02/01/2025 22:36

ClairDeLaLune · 02/01/2025 22:25

I see non-binary people as people who don’t want to be labelled by what’s in their pants, they just want to be seen as humans. I don’t really see an issue with this, when you see how much gender stereotyping and sexism there is in our society.

I am gender critical, but don’t have an issue with anyone wanting to be non-binary tbh. They’re not doing any harm to anyone, they’re not forcing themselves into women’s safe spaces for example.

I would go along with your offspring’s wishes and not contradict them. If you do you’re risking pushing them further down this path. It’s extremely unlikely they’ll go down the surgery route. Non-binary doesn’t mean eunuch!

Surely saying you’re gender critical but then saying you don’t have an issue with being non binary is a contradiction in terms? You are critical of gender yet you accept that it’s possible to not be male or female?
Most people are sex realists. Gender is harmful.

ThatKhakiMoose · 02/01/2025 22:38

HippeePrincess · 02/01/2025 19:38

We’re all non binary

We are?? How?

pompey38 · 02/01/2025 22:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

frecklejuice · 02/01/2025 22:42

He is your son, tell him he is male and you're not going along with this bullshit. Also speak to the school and tell them that they aren't to go along with it either.

Check his browsing history and massively limit his social media usage, if he is saying stuff like this then he is also looking it up online.

CrowleyKitten · 02/01/2025 22:45

go with it. they're at an age when they're figuring out who they are. they may change their mind in several directions over time. just support them, and use whatever pronouns and names they feel fit them at the time. it might be they've figured themselves out. it might be experimenting with their identity to see what fits.
most nonbinary people stick with what they've got. it's more about identity than body parts.

but being loved and supported by family means that if later they decide it's not entirely accurate for them, they'll feel comfortable reverting, if that's how they feel.
I was in my 40s before I realised my most accurate label is Agender. I've always said my gender is irrelevant. it's not part of my identity. I'm just me. not me, a woman. not me, a man. just a me.
I feel no need to change pronouns or my name or my body or anything. I've just become aware of the fact that the labels feel meaningless to me.

be kind and supportive, and let them know you will support them while they figure out who they are. everyone at that age is dealing with that, not just gender, but character, interests, what they want out of life etc.

NBollocks · 02/01/2025 22:46

ThatKhakiMoose · 02/01/2025 22:38

We are?? How?

Show quote history

Because no human is Barbie or GI Joe. Sex is binary but ‘gender’ aka personality is not. I’m a woman who wears jeans, trainers & no makeup most days and spends a fair bit on my hair. My husband does nearly all the cooking, cries at sentimental movies and loves football. Non-binary is regressive shit.

ThatKhakiMoose · 02/01/2025 22:46

User28473 · 02/01/2025 22:20

I have an 18 year old, they tried this but I didn't entertain it. They wanted to be a ridiculous name (Leopard). I said your friends can call you want you want but it's for your friends, don't put it on others. They stopped asking pretty quickly, whereas all of her friends parents who went along with it are still using they/them pronouns (including the ones who follow every typical sex stereotype) and a couple have changed from they them to he/him and one has started Testosterone. Lots of parents say there is no risk going along with it as they can change their mind but I strongly disagree.

Leopard! 😂😂😂

These kids are giving their parents GREAT fodder for their wedding speeches, LMAO!

MummytoE · 02/01/2025 22:46

QuizzlyBears · 02/01/2025 19:59

Your child has trusted you and the relationship they have with you enough to share something with you, something that will feel huge to them - regardless of your own opinions, you have a responsibility to your child to navigate this in a kind, sensitive, compassionate way where they can feel heard and most importantly continue to share things with you as they get older. I am not a parent, but goodness I would feel lucky if I was and my child felt able to share something so significant to them - take the topic out of it and imagine sharing something huge to you with someone you’re closest to, and they say ‘yes dear, here’s dinner’ - and ‘refuse to give it oxygen.’ That’s just unkind and you’d be really hurt.

A lot of the responses on this thread are less than kind and will mean children feeling invalidated, not heard, and pushed away from the people they are meant to trust. You can disagree and not promote things in a way that is still open and curious in conversation with your child.

"I'm not a parent".....enough said

Original poster

Chipshopninja · 02/01/2025 22:48

Whippetlovely · 02/01/2025 22:06

Op stop pussyfooting around. You are not his friend you are his mother. I have no time for this non binary nonsense he would have got a short shift from me and I would be carrying on calling him 'him'. I would also be complaining to the school not to feed into this crap. The other posters are probably better advisors though at saying ignore ignore because to be honest it is attention that he wants.

There's a see all button on the original post. Use it

OP posts:

AlexandraLeaving · 02/01/2025 22:48

Chipshopninja · 02/01/2025 20:23

Had another chat when he came downstairs

I told him I loved him and that he should be himself and be happy. I also said I wasn't doing the pronoun thing at home. He hugged me back and said he loved me too so ill leave it at that for now. Also threw in we are all non binary if you think about it line.

Need to remember I have a great kid with far too many wonderful attributes to list here.

School and Internet will also be dealt with as appropriate

Thank you for the helpful responses.

Sounds like you are handling it well. Although, as others have said, be careful with the counselling route in case you end up with someone who goes down the affirmation-all-the-way road. Good luck.

MerrilyOnhigh · 02/01/2025 22:52

Chipshopninja · 02/01/2025 19:43

I like the we are all non binary thing. I may try and go with that.

It's the pronouns bit I'm really struggling with. Wants to be referred to as they/them. If I call him my son it upsets him. I've already told him I'm going into it with his extended family and not to expect them to go along with it

Just call him your child, for the moment.

Thoughtsonallsorts · 02/01/2025 22:54

As I said in a previous post,schools promoting this & encouraging young children to question their identity at such a vulnerable stage of life should be dealt with appropriately. Parents who object to this as being part of the curriculum should make themselves heard.

Turophilic · 02/01/2025 22:55

Hve you been to Bayswater or Transgender Trend for some advice, OP? They have plenty of resources and experience that may help you navigate this with your son.

It's bloody unnerving having this reductive nonsense sprung on you - bestof luck as you find your way through.

Bayswater Support – For Parents with Trans-identified Kids

https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk

ThatKhakiMoose · 02/01/2025 22:57

I'm not a parent either, and much of the reason (besides simply not wanting them) is that I would not have the patience. I would find it very difficult not to impatiently snap at a child who declared they were bi at age ELEVEN, and who pulled this stuff about gender at age 13. I'd be more inclined to discuss it all at 16-plus, but ages 11 and 13? I'd be rolling my eyes and telling them not to be so stupid. As for the one who wanted to be called Leopard, I'm not sure I could stop myself exploding in disgust. I just couldn't deal with all this. Hats off to all people who have the patience to keep the human race going!!

Disclaimer: If the child had obviously had signs of gender dysphoria from a young age, like Brangelina's Shiloh, that would be different. But if it came out of the blue from being influenced by other children acting stupid, I'd have no patience at all. The communal fainting? Give me strength...

researchers3 · 02/01/2025 22:58

He/they, whatever, is still your kid.

It may or may not be a phase. I really don't know why some people (usually who have no direct knowledge) have to be so rude or dismissive.

I have two people who are very close to me who are not typically female/male. They've been that way for years. It's not been a fad for either of them.

My advice is to listen to your child and keep an open mind

Helleofabore · 02/01/2025 22:58

Firealarm1414 · 02/01/2025 22:29

Many female non binary people are taking testosterone and having surgery to remove their breasts. This is absolutely harmful and as usual, it's females bearing the brunt of it. I don't hear anything about male non binary people opting for surgery or taking hormones, so I don't think the op needs to worry in that regards.

Show quote history

I know two non-binary young female adults who have had double mastectomies and one takes testosterone. It really is misinformation to tell parents that being non-binary will not result in surgeries and hormones.

There are now nullification surgeries available too. Where non-binary male people can have their penis and testicles removed for a smooth body. Or they can keep their penis and have a cavity inserted as well that they can refer to as a neo-vagina. That way they have both. There have been articles about these services being offered privately in some countries.

MumblesParty · 02/01/2025 23:01

Chipshopninja · 02/01/2025 19:39

He was 11 so 2.5 years
I don't know if that's too young or not.

We told him we loved him regardless but that he shouldn't label himself as anything as it was no one else's business

How can an 11 year old be bi-sexual? Surely at 11 they’re not sexual at all - not bi, hetero, or homo. They’re children.

researchers3 · 02/01/2025 23:01

ThatKhakiMoose · 02/01/2025 22:57

I'm not a parent either, and much of the reason (besides simply not wanting them) is that I would not have the patience. I would find it very difficult not to impatiently snap at a child who declared they were bi at age ELEVEN, and who pulled this stuff about gender at age 13. I'd be more inclined to discuss it all at 16-plus, but ages 11 and 13? I'd be rolling my eyes and telling them not to be so stupid. As for the one who wanted to be called Leopard, I'm not sure I could stop myself exploding in disgust. I just couldn't deal with all this. Hats off to all people who have the patience to keep the human race going!!

Disclaimer: If the child had obviously had signs of gender dysphoria from a young age, like Brangelina's Shiloh, that would be different. But if it came out of the blue from being influenced by other children acting stupid, I'd have no patience at all. The communal fainting? Give me strength...

I'll bite, why on earth would you roll your eyes at an 11 year old stating their sexual preference?

You wouldn't object to an 11 year old saying they're straight, I'm sure.

ThatKhakiMoose · 02/01/2025 23:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Kalalily · 02/01/2025 23:02

I just wanted to say also that the school should not be keeping this from you. I agree with previous posters saying to contact the head and governors. I don’t know the current policy for schools but The Cass Report said that affirmation was not a neutral act and could push vulnerable children, particularly those with autism, down a route from which they find it hard to return. Luckily you have a good relationship with your child and hopefully this phase will be short lived. I think it becomes much more entrenched in kids with autism who have black and white thinking. This trend in schools seems to be waning now thank goodness.
Good luck OP, it sounds like you are supportive without being affirmative

Thoughtsonallsorts · 02/01/2025 23:03

Helleofabore · 02/01/2025 22:58

I know two non-binary young female adults who have had double mastectomies and one takes testosterone. It really is misinformation to tell parents that being non-binary will not result in surgeries and hormones.

There are now nullification surgeries available too. Where non-binary male people can have their penis and testicles removed for a smooth body. Or they can keep their penis and have a cavity inserted as well that they can refer to as a neo-vagina. That way they have both. There have been articles about these services being offered privately in some countries.

Show quote history

Obviously appropriate for adults if they have genuine reasons to go along this path. It's definitely not appropriate for children under 18.

MummytoE · 02/01/2025 23:05

Helleofabore · 02/01/2025 22:58

I know two non-binary young female adults who have had double mastectomies and one takes testosterone. It really is misinformation to tell parents that being non-binary will not result in surgeries and hormones.

There are now nullification surgeries available too. Where non-binary male people can have their penis and testicles removed for a smooth body. Or they can keep their penis and have a cavity inserted as well that they can refer to as a neo-vagina. That way they have both. There have been articles about these services being offered privately in some countries.

Show quote history

This is absolute madness

Newbeer · 02/01/2025 23:05

Don’t let your mind be poisoned by certain hateful, unpleasant factions on here. Support them, look up non binary info online and just be there for them.

ThatKhakiMoose · 02/01/2025 23:05

researchers3 · 02/01/2025 23:01

I'll bite, why on earth would you roll your eyes at an 11 year old stating their sexual preference?

You wouldn't object to an 11 year old saying they're straight, I'm sure.

Show quote history

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I'd be horrified that an 11-year-old even knows what bi means! I didn't even know what sex and periods were at that age!

11-year-olds barely know their arse from their elbow, that's why.