Son has just told us he is non binary

[Chipshopninja]

13 years old

Wants us to use they/them

He came out as Bi a a couple of years ago and I was fine with that but this has really hit me hard

I'm terrified that this is going to lead to hormones and surgery.

Don't know why I'm posting tbh but feeling crappy because I didn't handle it well. I cried.

I can't call him my son anymore

He's my only child

Has anyone else been through this?

Mumsnetters (most being parents) are fully aware that 11 year olds should not be engaging in sexual activity. Adults who encourage young children into sexual relationships are known as predators. Safeguarding children from age inappropriate sexual activity is basic safeguarding that all responsible adults should understand.

The fact that we’re talking about a CHILD is the whole bloody point.

If you were my parent and said that to me, I’d walk out and never speak to you again.

Children - especially early teenagers - need to feel heard and accepted. It doesn’t matter in the slightest whether you agree or not. Maybe they’ll grow out of it, maybe they won’t, but either way they need to figure it out for themselves… not be told by someone who doesn’t give them space to explore themselves. That’s what messes them up.

This is what happens when schools promote 'anything goes' at such a young age. Children are not equipped to deal with feelings like this far less make serious life decisions at 13 years old. As a previous poster said I would deal with it by saying that's OK but I'd prefer it if you made those choices when you are a bit older, your body is changing & it could be a phase. There is also the fact he could be mixing with children who think it's cool to label themselves with all types of identities now schools are encouraging it.

If your son eventually takes this stance on his life I'm sure you will support him as would everyone around him who help young people adjust to their new norm in society.

Well said! That comment made me queezy. It's DEEPLY disturbing to talk about children like that.

I get that. And I’m saying the tone taken by some posters is horrible.

Would you? At 13? Where would you go? Who would house you and feed you?
Adults saying over dramatic crap like this feed the teenage nonsense.

Don't just go along with this. At that age would you trust him to drink, get a tattoo, fly by himself etc, if no then you can't trust this life changing decision. Get him off social media and away from any influencing friends

I have stories of families who have been through this and different approaches/outcomes:

1. Friend's daughter said she was NB at 16. Friend refused to use new name ("you can change it when you're 18") and sidestepped pronouns as much as possible. lots of 'that's nice, dear" Had money so took DD on trips where internet was impossible. DD grew out of it around age 18
2. DN at 11. DSis and BIL absolutely said, "NO! Our house, our rules. We gave you a name out of love. Your friends don't dictate our house/family rules. Bespoke pronouns are confusing, anti-social and you won't treat your grandparents rudely by demanding it." They were really firm, but warm and loving. DSis talked about peer pressure and "1/2 your class is doing this..." DN stopped around age 16. At 17, she is still a 'trans ally' but no longer thinks she's trans or NB.
3. DD (at 15) was an "ally" and very social justice oriented (we were cool with that) but when she took a quiz that said she was trans and told us this, we laughed at her. Seriously. We laughed and told her that was insanity. She got VERY angry and stompy, but we didn't apologize. It was confusing to her as we would always civilly disagree about issues but in this case we wouldn't even entertain the idea despite us being really openminded about most things (she is bisexual and we could have cared less...she didn't even need to 'come out'). She later got scared we'd be cancelled for our terfy views, and would cry about us losing our jobs. At 17, she had had enough of her trans/nb friends and rolled her eyes when a friend had new pronouns. At 18, she connected the dots from feminism to the patriarchy and now, as a young woman, she's full-on terf.
4. Godson (at 18 came out as NB, 20 as transwoman). Family reluctantly affirmed (suicide fear). Mom is now a cheerleader of all things trans. Godson at 24 is unhealthy, unemployed, unhappy.
5. Friend's DD has always had serious mental health issues (20 was a satanist, at 22 came out as NB, 25 is now 'walking cane dependent'). Therapy affirmed, so no control.
6. Friend's DD came out at 11 as NB. Friend is political trans ally and enthusiastically cheerleaded it. DD is probably autism spectrum. Now, at 16, struggles w/ friendships and has inappropriate social boundaries. Friend is now doubting her initial affirming stance.

On the contrary. Parenting is about establishing boundaries. Being responsible for supporting your child - especially if they've been caught up in an age inappropriate ideology that they are too young to understand and that has massive psychological consequences for them if adults unthinkingly go along with their delusions:

https://www.transgendertrend.com/childhood-social-transition/

Your response sounds good, op. Not labelling yourself is great in all areas of life and it is nobodies business but your own.

Try not to worry about the future, which is easier said than done.

In the1980s we had neighbours, a lovely couple and her DDs, one was formally diagnosed gender-dysphoric 25 years ago and eventually fully transitioned. The mother always said she knew from birth that the child was wired differently, and there had been professional input and support over many years before they could progress.

Can anyone really get through primary school with their parents genuinely surprised to learn the child believes they have been born into the wrong body?

I'd be wary of counseling, unless you know that they will actually try to get to the bottom of these feelings. My daughters therapist immediately confirmed the non binary identity without question and set me up as the enemy for not going along with it. These days any questioning as to why a child might feel like this could be labeled as 'conversion therapy' . Its a bloody joke. We dont affirm anorexics who have body dysmorphia and believe themselves to be fat, so why this?

It's been almost a year now of my child 'coming out' as non binary at age 12 and she shows no signs of growing out of it. I just try my best to not use any pronouns in conversation because I cannot say 'they/them' about a person I've known her entire life

Wouldn’t you just laugh?

Agreed, it totally undermines the argument since I've been in the vegetarian 'fad' for 25 years because it's an ethical choice made by those who love animals.

The difference is surely the damage that can be done to kids’ bodies (encouraged online) by PBs, cross sex hormones and surgery, plus the cult like alienating people from their families. PBs will not now routinely be prescribed in the UK, but will teens access them in the same way they buy weed etc?

I am a parent to a child (now young woman who just spoke to me a few minutes about us going out for some pho) who we laughed at for entertaining the idea she was trans.

She did stomp around (no place to go as it was the pandemic!) and was angry for a time, but we held the line and guess what? DD is in her 20s now and said our reaction was the best thing ever as it made her doubt and over a few years as she matured, DD saw it was a house of cards. She's a well-known terf at her university now. Couldn't be prouder.

TBF, our DD has no ND, no disabilities, so we treated her as a healthy 15 year old who didn't realize she knew nothing. I'm sure laughing wouldn't work on kids with unhealthy families or other issues. However, even though our DD has experienced traumatic events in her short life, she has always known how much we love and support her, so our mocking the idea of her being trans didn't hurt her. It helped.

For what it's worth, OP, I think there's something in the idea of calmly holding the line and I think you've done well to kindly but firmly say that you're not entering into this whole pronoun eggshell-walking while keeping the lines open with him.

Children really need their parents to firmly but kindly hold the boundaries of safety - but also reason and sanity - for them. Just like the transition phase of toddlerhood, a teenager getting the sense that there is no firm ground for them to stand on because the adults themselves are uncertain, unstable or frankly just a bit wet is quite terrifying. There's obviously a big difference between giving them a bit more freedom autonomy as they grow up vs effectively shrugging shoulders and saying, "sorry, child, I don't really know what to do and I'm a bit scared of your/society's opinion and reaction anyway, so you'd better be in charge and decide for yourself."

I do see a lot of parents these days who really do seem so unsure of themselves and slightly afraid of their children's reactions, as though they have no self-confidence that they know how to cope with them. Or they seem to know that they don't want to be shouty and unengaged like their own parents but haven't found a happy sweet spot (confident, kind leadership!) between that and permissive parenting.

It sounds like you're walking a good line now you've had time to think about it and not getting drawn into arguments about this either. Good for you. Good luck.

Agree that the school need to be set straight as well. Unless they seriously think that you pose a safeguarding risk to your child - in which case social services should have been involved - there is absolutely no excuse for them keeping this from you.

They are also not medical professionals and it has been established that "social transitioning" is not a neutral act. Therefore I would also be asking them on what medical advice, specific to your child, they were acting when doing this (and how they had gone about obtaining it without your involvement). The answer will be that they had none, in which case their administering this "treatment" in school without your knowledge is completely outside the bounds of professionalism and acceptability.

I haven’t read any of the replies so not sure how many people will agree with this. But for me personally if my son turned round and said that I would be telling him, I am grateful he has told me how he feels and I respect him as a individual, but he is my son and I do not feel comfortable using they/them pronouns and so I will still be referring to him as my son when introducing him to people.

When he’s a adult, if this is still how he feels you will both have had a long time to learn how to work through it and at that point you may feel comfortable calling him by something else.

I always think of Caitlin/Bruce Jenner in this example. She is now legally a woman but his kids still call him dad and he respects that.

@MrsOvertonsWindow Mumsnetters (most being parents) are fully aware that 11 year olds should not be engaging in sexual activity. Adults who encourage young children into sexual relationships are known as predators. Safeguarding children from age inappropriate sexual activity is basic safeguarding that all responsible adults should understand.

I know that 11 year olds should not engage in sexual activity.

I never said otherwise.

If you read my post again, you will notice that I said that an 11 year old boy can be straight, gay, or bisexual.

Sexual orientation refers to feelings, not actions.

You worded it in an extremely off putting manner by referring to 'sexual arousal'. I mean, having a crush at that age is generally a non sexual thing. Using language like that in relation to a child is pretty gross and inappropriate, I'd hope you wouldn't actually talk to children about stuff like that. Ewww.

Deeply heartening to read such sensible responses from so many posters.

He has never been a "typical boy". Has been dancing from a young age and does performing arts. Never liked football etc etc.

this is gender stereotypical response which I suspect is helping drive some of this.

But a that sounds fun dear and he can tell extended family etc. hike up parental controls on the internet as much as possible & don’t ask constant questions- let him drive the narrative.

Yes, knowing what I know now I would not send my child to a therapist for this (or at all, except in extremis and after careful vetting), any more than I would send my child to a therapist in a time when the mania for lobotomies had a grip on the profession.

That.

He is only thirteen, keep it light. in a couple of years he might be quite different.