Page 30 | Son has just told us he is non binary

Chipshopninja · 2025-01-02T19:31:27+00:00

13 years old Wants us to use they/them He came out as Bi a a couple of years ago and I was fine with that but this has really hit me hard I'm terrified that this is going to lead to hormones and surgery. Don't know why I'm posting tbh but feeling crappy because I didn't handle it well. I cried. I can't call him my son anymore He's my only child Has anyone else been through this?

Dandelionsarefree · 05/01/2025 14:39

I read one piece in a Spanish newspaper a couple of years ago that explained this issue very well to me.

It was about a woman (trans man) in her mid 20s completely distraught because she went the trans path from her early teens, i think she would be around 13 but not developed/ period yet at the time. School complied to name her with right pronouns. Then changed to a male name and stated she was trans. Then she decided to use the hormone blockers. For that in Spain you need an assessment of three mental health professionals including one psychiatrist and one psychologist. Her parents agreed to all this from the start as they worried about her mental heath and the prospect for their daughter to feel suicidal etc. So parents teachers and the girls all were on the same page and the assessment allowed her to use those developmental blokers and started make hormone treatment.
Fast forward her mid 20s and fully transitioned to a man, she said it was all a big mistake, she just didn't fit in and had issues with socialising. She explained how her life is ruined now and had suicidal thoughts. This young woman and her family are suing the medical professionals that gave the go ahead to her physical transitioning (outrageous!). The medical professionals said in the report they feel in a big trap with the new law, as if they dare to deny anyone who expressed they are living in the wrong body, show distress etc they can face prosecution.

stomachamelon · 05/01/2025 14:43

@TheKeatingFive I agree with your comment. So difficult isn't it? It's a journey they had already started at another school and we are obliged to respect how they feel regarding pronouns. On a day to day basis I think respecting them is the right thing regardless of how I feel about the bigger picture.

Lostcat · 05/01/2025 14:57

Pclou45 · 05/01/2025 12:38

Yes I have been through it, about 4/5 years ago. My child has just turned 20. They are happy and secure in who they are and it did not lead to anything more than that. Just keep an open mind, love them, accept them, and you will get used to it in the end. I know it is an initial shock and it does take time but try not to worry. You and they will encounter a lot of ignorance but try not to make a big deal of it and see how it goes as they get older. If this is who they are, and remains so, then remind yourself they have not changed, just their pronouns and gender identity have. It's great that they trusted you enough to share this with you. As for the age, my kid assures me that they knew they felt different to their friends when they were very young but they only really discovered what it meant as they moved through their teenage years.

This is anecdotal i.e. not based on anything other than my limited experience in my wider friendship group, but the parents who reject or belittle their kids' "choice" (hint - it's not a choice) are the ones whose kids don't keep in close or indeed any contact with them when they leave home. My kid and I message every day and see each other every month if we can (they live quite far away now with work) but they hardly speak to their dad who insists on using their wrong pronouns out of spite and fighting with them about it, which has caused them a huge amount of pain and feeling rejected. I am sad about that but I can't fix it, all I can do is love them as best I can.

This may not be relevant but my child is also diagnosed AuDHD - there can be a link with that and feeling disassociated with their place and identity in the world. Also can I suggest you Google articles on misgendering and the effect this can have particularly on young people, unsurprisingly there is quite a lot there. Good luck.

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Lostcat · 05/01/2025 15:09

maltravers · 05/01/2025 13:09

One day Starlight you may have kids of your own. We love them so much and have tried to both protect them and let them be their own person as they grow.
It may be no big deal to you that there are ghouls out there persuading kids to be frightened of puberty, to mess up their beautiful healthy bodies with cross sex hormones, to have their bodies surgically altered. it’s a big deal to me and to the other mums here. You come for our kids, you had better expect some almighty resistance. You may say that this is just about pronouns, in that case maybe “educate yourself”. Signing off now as I have work to do.

You come for our kids, you had better expect some almighty resistance

Just wild.

What do you believe people’s motivations are exactly? Step 1: trans all the children. Step 2….?

(from a mum of kids who could not be more loved).

Thoughtsonallsorts · 05/01/2025 15:18

stomachamelon · 05/01/2025 14:43

@TheKeatingFive I agree with your comment. So difficult isn't it? It's a journey they had already started at another school and we are obliged to respect how they feel regarding pronouns. On a day to day basis I think respecting them is the right thing regardless of how I feel about the bigger picture.

Not unless you have parental consent,even then counselling should take place before considering agreeing to change pronouns for a pupil in school.Who knows who is putting this idea into an impressionable young mind and for what reason. It's all wrong.

WigglyVonWaggly · 05/01/2025 15:30

I’ll explain what I’d do.

In this situation, I’d have a chat about the difference between sex and gender, followed by asking him what he thinks are stereotypes associated with boys and girls and which ones he rejects. I’d then explain that every person is ‘non-binary’ because none of us adheres to every gender stereotype. I’d then chat about whether we really need to label that very human trait as ‘non-binary’ or just simply ‘personality’: which one of those shows more self confidence and acceptance of ourselves, and which is encouraging us to actually fit into a labelled category that assumes most people do fit into one of two sexist, stereotyped binaries? Finally, I’d explain that pronouns are used by other people to describe what they see - male or female - whereas they/them pronouns indicate that we have no sex at all or that we can flip between them, which isn’t accurate and is again confusing sex with gender stereotypes. It’s totally fine to be ‘he’ and not be straight or do lots of things associated with being ‘feminine’ such as wearing makeup. In short, I’d tell him he can be ‘he’ and not follow the silly rules about what it means to be a masculine boy. But I’d also be quite firm that I won’t be calling him ‘they’ because I don’t believe in sexist stereotypes or the idea that the only way to avoid them is to reject being a male or female.

PixieLaLar · 05/01/2025 15:31

Maybe there’s a strong link to people who claim to be non binary making excellent politicians - they seem do well at avoiding answering direct questions, deflecting and waffling on about a load of 💩 in order to distract and avoid explaining!

Barbie222 · 05/01/2025 15:34

WigglyVonWaggly · 05/01/2025 15:30

I’ll explain what I’d do.

In this situation, I’d have a chat about the difference between sex and gender, followed by asking him what he thinks are stereotypes associated with boys and girls and which ones he rejects. I’d then explain that every person is ‘non-binary’ because none of us adheres to every gender stereotype. I’d then chat about whether we really need to label that very human trait as ‘non-binary’ or just simply ‘personality’: which one of those shows more self confidence and acceptance of ourselves, and which is encouraging us to actually fit into a labelled category that assumes most people do fit into one of two sexist, stereotyped binaries? Finally, I’d explain that pronouns are used by other people to describe what they see - male or female - whereas they/them pronouns indicate that we have no sex at all or that we can flip between them, which isn’t accurate and is again confusing sex with gender stereotypes. It’s totally fine to be ‘he’ and not be straight or do lots of things associated with being ‘feminine’ such as wearing makeup. In short, I’d tell him he can be ‘he’ and not follow the silly rules about what it means to be a masculine boy. But I’d also be quite firm that I won’t be calling him ‘they’ because I don’t believe in sexist stereotypes or the idea that the only way to avoid them is to reject being a male or female.

Edited

This is great advice if you're still following, OP.

Lostcat · 05/01/2025 15:35

PixieLaLar · 05/01/2025 15:31

Maybe there’s a strong link to people who claim to be non binary making excellent politicians - they seem do well at avoiding answering direct questions, deflecting and waffling on about a load of 💩 in order to distract and avoid explaining!

😮

fanaticalfairy · 05/01/2025 18:16

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 05/01/2025 09:57

By myself. For example, when talking about who we’d like to be like when we grew up, my friends would always name women role models and I’d tend to think of men.
I thought of this when reading about the child who feels he is halfway between male and female. Some people think of themselves very much as a woman or a man, eg they say ‘I’m not the kind of man to do x’ or ‘I’m one of those women who…’ . But others including this child are not strongly identified in this way.

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I would always want to do "mens" jobs growing up, I do a "man's" job now. Means nothing...

Kalalily · 05/01/2025 20:35

stomachamelon · 05/01/2025 14:43

@TheKeatingFive I agree with your comment. So difficult isn't it? It's a journey they had already started at another school and we are obliged to respect how they feel regarding pronouns. On a day to day basis I think respecting them is the right thing regardless of how I feel about the bigger picture.

@stomachamelon i too understand why you and the school would want to respect your pupils but do you consider that by affirming you may be playing a part in setting that child into a position from which they find it too hard to come back from? Or that they think that you are confirming that they are indeed the opposite gender. Remember that for the most part these children are neurodivergent and lack flexible thinking. When schools write their policies do they consider the Cass Report?
I ask this because a family member who is a teacher said they use new names and pronouns to be supportive to their students, it had never occurred to them that affirmation could influence the outcome.
As parents of these young people we are in the unenviable position of having to provide support without affirming. We are between a rock and a hard place. I think teachers and doctors are in the same position - the easier path is to affirm but it’s not always the right one which is why watchful waiting is preferable.
I hope you will be able to discuss this with the SLT because we are the adults and we need to be able to have discussions on this subject and make decision based on the evidence, scant though it is

stomachamelon · 05/01/2025 20:52

@Kalalily in our defence...
This young person had already started down this road way before they arrived with us.
They are non- binary so not seeking any changes bar a name.
I agree that this is part of a bigger picture with them but as part of that bigger picture we feel it's important to respect this decision they had already made.
Parent is fairly supportive if somewhat exasperated.
Mental health is poor. School is very much safe space from a lot of things.

I do think they need to make advice/ policy very clear to schools as it's not at the moment. SLT are supportive but there is also conflicting views across the board.

starlight889 · 05/01/2025 21:00

Lostcat · 05/01/2025 15:09

You come for our kids, you had better expect some almighty resistance

Just wild.

What do you believe people’s motivations are exactly? Step 1: trans all the children. Step 2….?

(from a mum of kids who could not be more loved).

Edited

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Step 1: turn every child transgender

Step 2: take over the world?

Actually let’s not share our plan!

MiffyBuns · 05/01/2025 21:04

starlight889 · 05/01/2025 21:00

Step 1: turn every child transgender

Step 2: take over the world?

Actually let’s not share our plan!

Show quote history

Confuse kids. Alienate them from parents. Offer a surrogate family. Lower their guards. Blur boundaries.

Shall I go on?

Lostcat · 05/01/2025 21:05

.

Lostcat · 05/01/2025 21:07

MiffyBuns · 05/01/2025 21:04

Confuse kids. Alienate them from parents. Offer a surrogate family. Lower their guards. Blur boundaries.

Shall I go on?

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Why though??

Lostcat · 05/01/2025 21:08

starlight889 · 05/01/2025 21:00

Step 1: turn every child transgender

Step 2: take over the world?

Actually let’s not share our plan!

Show quote history

😂

starlight889 · 05/01/2025 21:09

MiffyBuns · 05/01/2025 21:04

Confuse kids. Alienate them from parents. Offer a surrogate family. Lower their guards. Blur boundaries.

Shall I go on?

Show quote history

Allow children to express themselves and feel comfortable to confide in their trusted adult*

Support adult children if they want to leave their toxic family behind*

You can have clear boundaries and also support your child with how they’re feeling. You don’t need to engage in transphobic behaviour just because you don’t understand.

A lot of people on here really are either taking what I am saying out of context or they just like to argue for the sake of it. I am by no means talking about the parents who don’t understand, the parents who are trying, the parents who are supportive even if they don’t agree. I am talking about the parents who think it’s their way or the highway and their way being transphobic/homophobic etc.

As I have said before, if the boot doesn’t fit, please don’t put it on.

MiffyBuns · 05/01/2025 21:12

Toxic family because they don't believe in gender?

That says it all.

Absolutely ridiculous.

My daughter was GROOMED by people to believe she was a boy. When I cut her off from the Internet and those peers she forgot about it all in months and is back to her normal self.

They had her self harming with confusion!

Gender ideology is dangerous. Especially to vulnerable and autistic children who don't understand!

starlight889 · 05/01/2025 21:17

MiffyBuns · 05/01/2025 21:12

Toxic family because they don't believe in gender?

That says it all.

Absolutely ridiculous.

My daughter was GROOMED by people to believe she was a boy. When I cut her off from the Internet and those peers she forgot about it all in months and is back to her normal self.

They had her self harming with confusion!

Gender ideology is dangerous. Especially to vulnerable and autistic children who don't understand!

Edited

And that is a separate case isn’t it? Your child didn’t actually feel like that, she was made to think she did. That is completely different to children who actually do feel like that.

I am unbelievably sorry that happened to your child. She deserved to make up her own mind with how she’s feeling without being pressured to be one way or another.

I absolutely see your way of thinking, especially with what happened to your family but this isn’t the case for everyone and there are genuinely some children who do feel like they are the wrong gender and I think we should allow children to express this without shooting them down and telling them they’re wrong. If they are wrong, they will figure it out eventually.

MiffyBuns · 05/01/2025 21:20

starlight889 · 05/01/2025 21:17

And that is a separate case isn’t it? Your child didn’t actually feel like that, she was made to think she did. That is completely different to children who actually do feel like that.

I am unbelievably sorry that happened to your child. She deserved to make up her own mind with how she’s feeling without being pressured to be one way or another.

I absolutely see your way of thinking, especially with what happened to your family but this isn’t the case for everyone and there are genuinely some children who do feel like they are the wrong gender and I think we should allow children to express this without shooting them down and telling them they’re wrong. If they are wrong, they will figure it out eventually.

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Bullshit.

She came to me. She came out. She told me her name. She said all the right things and had been a boy at school for 7 MONTHS.

School agreed with her and used her male name and male pronouns for 7 months.

I put an end to it when I found blood soaked tissues and blades in her room and she said she wanted a binder!!

Once all the influence was gone she forgot.

It wasn't that she was being forced. She wanted to part of the group that groomed her! That told her all her problems would go away of she transitioned. That she was just in the wrong body and it could be fixed.

If I believed her and wrnt along with it where the fuck would she be now??

Lostcat · 05/01/2025 21:22

starlight889 · 05/01/2025 21:17

And that is a separate case isn’t it? Your child didn’t actually feel like that, she was made to think she did. That is completely different to children who actually do feel like that.

I am unbelievably sorry that happened to your child. She deserved to make up her own mind with how she’s feeling without being pressured to be one way or another.

I absolutely see your way of thinking, especially with what happened to your family but this isn’t the case for everyone and there are genuinely some children who do feel like they are the wrong gender and I think we should allow children to express this without shooting them down and telling them they’re wrong. If they are wrong, they will figure it out eventually.

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Exactly well said

MiffyBuns · 05/01/2025 21:22

It's not a special case. It's what is happening to teenagers all over the country right now.

And mothers are too scared to stand against it and say no.

And it ends in tears because no child is born in the wrong body!

Lostcat · 05/01/2025 21:24

MiffyBuns · 05/01/2025 21:22

It's not a special case. It's what is happening to teenagers all over the country right now.

And mothers are too scared to stand against it and say no.

And it ends in tears because no child is born in the wrong body!

There are children who are trans.

MiffyBuns · 05/01/2025 21:24

Lostcat · 05/01/2025 21:22

Exactly well said

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They'll figure it out eventually if they are wrong?

Is that after the name change? Or after the pronoun change? How about after the hormones? After the surgery?

Exactly how far are they allowed to go before they figure it out that it's wrong??