Son has just told us he is non binary

[Chipshopninja]

13 years old

Wants us to use they/them

He came out as Bi a a couple of years ago and I was fine with that but this has really hit me hard

I'm terrified that this is going to lead to hormones and surgery.

Don't know why I'm posting tbh but feeling crappy because I didn't handle it well. I cried.

I can't call him my son anymore

He's my only child

Has anyone else been through this?

Tell the school to stop now. Quote the Cass report at then. Social transition is a medical intervention and they are not medically qualified to diagnose and determine a treatment plan. They put themselves at risk of litigation by doing so.

Jesus

I have read the whole thread, the vast majority would not support and affirm a trans child. Absolutely no way!

Give this as little energy as possible. It may feel totally counter-intuitive, but really, try to not engage or be very light-touch about it. Affirm your own understanding of gender as a social construct, and get a step ahead of whatever your son might be accessing by being inside-out and front-to-back sure of where you stand on the subject. Declaring yourself gender-free is a good starting point -you're not subscribing.

My DC (same-sex attracted autistic girl) had a brief period of wanting us to refer to her by a 'gender neutral' name, along with aforementioned performative distress at the prospect of being 'dead named'. I went out of my way never to use it -would find her in the house to speak to her directly as opposed to call her name, etc. Realistically, we rarely refer to others by pronouns or by their own name in their presence, so it's not that hard to do. DD did have the tragic example of my DNiece's actual medical transition to eventually deter her (DN now largely wheelchair bound with autoimmune condition in response to hormone treatment, chronic pain and gynae problems, ongoing issues with wound-healing and tissue deterioration and very poor MH).

School has let your son down badly ‐contact head, trust leadership (if applicable) and governors. The Cass review is clear on social transition in educational settings and in general.

I wish you the very best, this is really nerve-wracking.

Supporting your child in absolutely everything they do is not the flex you think it is. Children need guidance not a parent that will roll over all the time

@WarmthAndDepth so shocking to read about your DNiece.
Where are the doctors who so regularly and helpfully comment on posts on MN. Until they join the conversation we can only get so far with this hugely complex subject.
@meloncotton I disagree, I may have missed some posts but the vast majority that I have read are from kind, supportive parents who want the best for their children and the best for the majority of these teens is support, not affirmation. They are in distress but the answer is unlikely to be medical transition, which is what the kids are asking for and were getting before The Cass Review. Sadly those over 18 can use GenderGP online to access hormones with potentially dire consequences.

"It's just a phase, you'll grow out of it" my mum to me in the 90s thinking that she was being parents and protecting me from my own bisexual brain. Ask me when I last bothered with her. I'm not the person she wanted me to be basically that's what it is just a phase means. It's invalidating NOW

The volume on sexuality/gendered identities is turned up way too loud. 95% of it is just noise. My 11 year old DC came home from school and proudly announced they were ‘pansexual’, er, ‘Not now Bernard’. My view, I would like to think we could live in a world where we are not boxed into our gender and expectations of it in terms of the way we present. We’re all different levels of masculine and feminine and we’re attracted to different levels of masculine and feminine. Be confident in presenting how you want but importantly, be comfortable in your own skin. This current situation we have, the irony of not conforming to an ideal in order to conform to an ideal, is like a fever dream. Try to turn the volume down but also try to stay away from the drama of it all and as most people have said it will likely pass.

@ColdrainJune...very well said.

Cass report didn't support this approach

It's different saying that than saying:

"It might be a phase and you might just grow out of it as everyone does at that age with most things. Or you might not. For example, I'm not the same person i was at 13, am I, I used to love doing x/y/z pastime/activity or hanging out with a particular set of friends or fancy a particular person but by the age of 17 I just didn't enjoy it and decided I wanted to do it differently/they were an idiot and I didn't know what I'd ever seen in them. However I still love doing a/b/c even though I'm 45!, That hasn't changed and I can't see it ever changing.

So who knows? Some things we carry on wanting to do even into adulthood, others we decide we want to do differently after realising it wasn't for us after a while. Being a teenager is one of the biggest developmental changes we'll ever go through, and we get to try out many different versions of ourselves. It can be confusing at times - all the experimentation and the changes of heart about plans can be unsettling but all that is completely normal. Becoming an adult isn't linear in emotional terms."

Maybe this is what your mother actually meant, but didn't think to couch it in those terms.

No, most of us, or at least any of us who have an ounce of education on the topic wouldn't affirm a trans child because that is actively harmful to their wellbeing.

Parents need to take accountability for the fact that an entire generation of children and young people have had unfettered access to online sites and forums which have led them to believe there's somehow a right or wrong way to be male and female.

This is a healthcare scandal just waiting to blow up and we're seeing the first cases trickle in with detransitioner law suits beginning to emerge. These children have been irrevocably harmed by parents and the medical profession.

Sexuality and gender identity aren't remotely the same though.

For one, the rapid rise of rogd does indeed suggest it could be a phase.

Secondly, affirming a child as trans or non binary risks them ultimately going down a medicalised path which cannot be reversed if it turns out not to be the right one. There is nothing equivalent to this in accepting a child's sexuality.

@Kalalily yes, it is the saddest thing. DNiece is now living as a sad, disabled, medicated-for-life man with life-long health and mobility issues, who was affirmed and cheered throughout their gender reassignment journey by all bar my DB who tried to slow things down and, critically, distance DN from the social contagion which set her on her course to start with (one of a group of girls in secondary school who, pact-like, pursued new trans-identities, albeit none as far as DN). OP is right, it is terrifying.

@Conkersinautumn, I'm sorry your mum did not affirm your sexual orientation and embrace you as you are. I hope you are surrounded by people who love you for you now.

Sexual orientation is not the same as percieved gender identity. It is not possible to change sex. Being gay, bisexual or straight does not require hormonal and / or surgical alterations to a healthy sexed body. This is why parents are reluctant to affirm gender identity.

@BodyKeepingScore i am agreeing with you except for the very small minority of children with early onset gender dysphoria who need to be treated differently to ROGD teens. Early onset has always existed and is not contested to my knowledge or influenced by a harmful digital footprint or friends transitioning or having a ‘cheerleader’ friend. Two entirely separate situations, the former of which is rare.

I’m curious to know what you think the reasoning for children feeling this way is when they haven’t had internet access?

For example, I work with children under 5. A few years ago we had a child who was female but would call themself a boy as soon as they were able to talk. They correctly identified the sex of their friends, staff members and family at home but were always adamant they were a boy. By 4 they were asking for very short hair so they could look more like they felt (this was in their own words the reasoning for asking).

They had no internet access and obviously couldn’t read to see forums etc, rarely had screen time at all to watch anything and if they did it was monitored by parents/carers.

Genuinely asking to find out your opinion as it’s all very well saying the teenagers today are gaining these opinions from the internet but what about children who haven’t?

yes, it is the saddest thing. DNiece is now living as a sad, disabled, medicated-for-life man with life-long health and mobility issues, who was affirmed and cheered throughout their gender reassignment journey by all bar my DB who tried to slow things down and, critically, distance DN from the social contagion which set her on her course to start with (one of a group of girls in secondary school who, pact-like, pursued new trans-identities, albeit none as far as DN). OP is right, it is terrifying

This is so sad.

My cousin's child also has long term health problems as a result of transition (though she has detransitioned). Not as severe as this, but still very limiting for her. And I worry about what the future holds.

She was cheered on by an activist teacher, who, surprise surprise, ha s long since disappeared from her life.

You see you said in your first post 'most would support and affirm a trans child'.
Now you have said "the best for the majority of these teens is support, not affirmation."

I do not believe 'children are born in the wrong body' either as you have written as fact. I am sure the majority of posters do not believe this either.

I wouldn't take all this seriously until they were at least 21.In the case of a child announcng to me they were non binary I would certainly not change pronouns & wouldn't allow the school to accept name changes.

In a trans situation if there was still an extremely strong desire at the age of 21 to change,providing they had received all the counselling under the sun & tests proved they would lead a better & more natural life by changing only then as a parent would I go along with it. Outwith this criteria I would treat it as a phase & encourage them to wait until they had matured enough to make such life altering decisions. As far as clinics providing medication to stop puberty imo this should globally illegal. It's absolutely shocking as are parents who go along with it.

Not aimed at me, but this isn't rocket science. It could be parents playing notions in her head. Or simple gender non conformity.

Most children go through phases where they want to be more or less like the stereotypes of their sex. Lots of little girls had short hair and dressed boyishly when I was growing up. No one ever told them that that meant they were actually boys.

Their parents usually, or sometimes their general society, ie other relatives, friends, friends’ parents. If they watch TV anywhere, that can influence them too. You’d be surprised the misconceptions young children can have. My DS, at around age 3 or 4, told me that when he grew up he was going to be a mummy like me.

In the case of the child you mentioned, she obviously got the message somewhere either that ‘boys are best’ or that ‘boys can do more things and have more fun’. A friend’s youngest child said she was a boy from very early. This was because she was the youngest of three girls and her father desperately wanted a son. She was never directly told this but I’m sure she picked it up. Her father also moulded her into the kind of child he wanted. He took her to what he considered ‘boy things’ like football. Her sisters weren’t taken. She was praised and bought extra treats on these outings. He’d make derogatory comments about girls and women and assure her that she wasn’t like that. He’d berate her for ‘girlishness’ and withdraw his affection. You can see why she decided she was actually a boy. Fortunately, this petered out before puberty.

At my current school, a 5yr old girl told me she wanted to be a boy. When I asked her why, she said that boys had more fun and were allowed to do more things. She also said her brother had an XBox and she wanted one.

It’s very obvious where this all comes from in young children.

My mother definitely means "you're not the person I want you to be", she has made that very clear and explicit. It is important to have a conversation that isn't dismissive. And even if it is something someone goes through in their life, dismissing it is nonsense. You don't say 'oh it's just a phase' when a baby babbles, you encourage them to develop further.

A few years ago we had a child who was female but would call themself a boy as soon as they were able to talk. They correctly identified the sex of their friends, staff members and family at home but were always adamant they were a boy. By 4 they were asking for very short hair so they could look more like they felt (this was in their own words the reasoning for asking).

This is a very young child who is role playing and learning the boundary between real and make believe. I don't think it's the right thing to do to tell this child they are male if they are female. This just makes for confusion and distrust later. Length of hair, clothing choices and toys played with is neither here nor there.

The evidence shows that the majority of children who do this don't continue to think they are actually the opposite sex once they reach puberty, so it would seem best not to prop up this belief earlier as there is just going to be further to climb down afterwards. Some parents have famously invested so much in these beliefs of their children that they are not now able to climb down.

Many children this age have very strong ideas that they are what they are not. It's a bit laughed at now, but I genuinely felt I was a cat when I was four, and would tell myself I could really become a real cat if I changed my behaviour / wished harder for it. My mother remembers it all. It passed. I don't really see the difference here with this age child. I suppose I would have been sad at the time if I hadn't been allowed to role play meowing or walking about on all fours while it lasted. However the OP's child is not young and there is more at stake than just a haircut and playing with 'boys toys.'

@meloncotton sorry if I haven’t explained properly. I am not an expert in this subject, merely a terrified mum of a traumatised teen who believes that medical transition will make their life better, a view I do not share. When I speak of affirming a trans child I speak of a child who has had gender dysphoria from a very young age. I make a very clear distinction between those young children with gender dysphoria, a small minority, and the increasing numbers of teens with ROGD. I hope this is now clear.
it might help if you were to tell us a bit about your background and how you came to this conversation, apologies if I have missed this in an earlier post. I totally understand if you don’t want to as it has taken me a very long time to be able to post anything on this subject. However, I felt compelled to reply to OP as there are some similarities with my own situation. However, I think the OP has a great relationship with her child and her child can speak to her and express feelings and I therefore think she will be fine, but I do understand her worry. It also helps that her child is 13 and not 18 and she therefore has more influence in every respect.

Just to clarify further. I agree that lots of little girls play as boys and vice versa and may dress up etc. And most grow out of it. At that young age we only need to love our children, no need to affirm identity. But I understand that there are and always have been people who identify as the opposite sex but they are a small minority and I feel for them in the current climate.