Son has just told us he is non binary

[Chipshopninja]

13 years old

Wants us to use they/them

He came out as Bi a a couple of years ago and I was fine with that but this has really hit me hard

I'm terrified that this is going to lead to hormones and surgery.

Don't know why I'm posting tbh but feeling crappy because I didn't handle it well. I cried.

I can't call him my son anymore

He's my only child

Has anyone else been through this?

My DM suggested the non binary thing was to do with social media and internet. However as a teacher o know the PHSE/RSE curriculum does go into detail about this at different ages so even those kids who don’t see things on social media and the internet will learn at school. They teach them how to put condoms on actual fake penises. No bananas these days. They talk about knife crime, about abuse, about suicide and self harm. Schools cover these things as they know a lot of kids will get information from less reliable sources.

My son told us he was bi when he was about 10, then gay when he was 11. He maintained he was gay until he met a girl he fell
for aged 14! He is now 15 and still with his girlfriend in a lovely relationship. He says he identifies as pansexual.

Each time we have responded quite neutrally, not made a big fuss out of it. This means that each time he has felt able to be honest with us. He’s just figuring it all out, and that’s fine.

Accept neutrally, don’t make a big fuss. Let them know they can change their mind and that it is not a permanent label they are now committed to.

My eldest is non binary presenting masc. AFAB. It was tough at first and we still get pronouns muddled five years later but we always get it right when writing and texting and we have called them by their chosen name since they asked. It was a little sad as they were my only girl but honestly they are still the same person however they present. We were a bit taken aback when they chose to go on testosterone as we knew it would make permanent changes to their body that could negatively impact their safety and future as it marks then trans. It seemed a strange choice since they are adamant they don’t plan on surgeries. But I still supported whatever they decided.

recently they got into drag and it’s been so fun watching them perform. And now instead of seeing little girl clothes for them I get to help make fabulously flamboyant drag costumes.

I'm interested in why sexuality & gender requires a label in order to live life as you wish in society. Why do people need to announce it as if they are more special than the next person. Everyone is 'different' regardless of their sexuality or gender. Nobody deserves more priority or recognition whether straight,gay or any of the other labels people care to impose on themselves in order to feel accepted & be part of a tribe. People who are eventually diagnosed as trans deserve all the help they can get with changes carried out as necessary. Basically I don't see the necessity of labels. We should feel free to go about our lives in peace with everyone naturally accepting each other differences.

You used a "he's" in there. Avoiding pronouns is difficult, isn't it?

He says he is non-binary. How does that change who he was from the day before he said he was non-binary? He is still your son. Just as loveable or not.

I'm sure it's different in every country but in many to be a "counsellor" requires a very basic short course, partly online. They are not psychs. ( just an FYI)
With regard to @Chipshopninja that is a difficult position but as the mum of 4 boys my most likely reaction would have been " haha good one, can you set the table". I don't accept a lot of crap though , so that may not be good advice! Good luck.

What on earth is a cis woman? Is that a trans man or is it a woman or something else?

I have no idea what a “socially constructed woman” is either?

Your post is making my head spin!

Great advice mumsnetters💞 glad to see common sense is still around despite what media is trying to ram down our throats.
Am impressed 💯

Would you say the same if your child said they had an eating disorder or were self harming? “Ha ha set the table, careful with the knives and eat up!”
My child is distressed about their place in the world, but ridiculing them isn’t going to make it go away.

Yes this is good advice. It’s tricky to be completely neutral though with a trans identity. I’m going as far as “they/them” so that there is a way back to being their original gender without it being a big deal. I know some on here won’t see that as a neutral act but I’m doing my best as is OP.

But it’s your sex that impacts you, isn’t it? Let’s say you identify as NB. The world, however, still sees you as a woman. You would still be subject to discrimination as a women (ie a female person). If you then, as a NB person, decide to have a baby, you could still be discriminated against or disadvantaged in your career, etc. The world doesn’t see your ‘gender’, it sees your sex.

Do you get what I’m (probably badly) trying to explain? Women are discriminated against or praised or whatever NOT because they ‘identify’ as women, but because they are female. It’s a person’s sex that’s important.

Does my being a woman shape how I think about myself? No. I notice misogyny; I notice bodily things; I notice subtle sexism towards me, etc, but I don’t think about myself differently because I’m a woman. As an example, I might wake up and think I’ll try to mend my car myself to save garage costs. At no point do I then think about my being a woman. All I think about is whether I can do the thing I hope to do, do I have the tools, knowledge, etc.

It’s the same for everything else in my life. Of course, I don’t do some things that men might do, eg go for a walk alone in a risky, deserted area, but that’s nothing to do with how I perceive myself. It’s to do with the increased risks to women in society (largely risk of sexual assault).

Like the vast majority of women nowadays, I do a wide variety of things - some stereotypically male, some female. That’s not because I have some kind of special gender identity or because I perceive myself as ‘not quite a woman’ or ‘non binary’ or ‘demi boy’ or any of the other myriad of Tumblr-spawn identities, it’s simply because this is the 21st bloody century, and the idea of boy things and girl things should be laughable. It was - until this insidious notion of ‘gender identity’ brought back all these regressive stereotypes.

A teen who likes certain things or has a certain hair style or whatever has no need to ‘question their gender’ - because gender stereotypes have no place in the 21st century. It’s tragic that some teens now think they do.

If I had a trans or non binary son I would support him all the way albeit in the hope it was a phase or clarified around the age of 21. One piece of advice I would give him is stop being offended every time someone uses the wrong pronoun. In society in general people are never going to stop saying he or she etc.To become offended by the description if indeed he looked like a he then life would become even more difficult & his happiness would be compromised daily. To have to announce it to everyone he met for the first time,which in all likelihood the person would either forget or become confused would cause him even more distress.This would make life extremely difficult especially given descriptions such as male,female,man,woman,he,she will always be part of language in the vast majority of countries in the world.

@BreatheAndFocus has it right. And the more the idea of 'gender specific behaviour' is legitimised with all these identities, the harder it is to push back on the very idea of 'girl behaviour' or 'boy behaviour'.

We don't need these gender identities. We just need to all be able to present as we wish and behave as we wish (within the law!!) without worrying about what gender we are or whether it's ok to be like this because of our biological sex.

I think it is safe to say that the majority of us would support and affirm a trans child. Where it becomes difficult is when your child identifies as trans without it being clear that they are born in the wrong body I.e. a psychiatrist telling you clearly that you have a son, not a daughter, or vice versa. Trauma and bullying can lead to a trans identity and it is impossible to see how hormones and surgery will make this situation better. Add to that autism and lack of flexibility in thinking and you have a recipe for disaster. Modern medicine has contributed to this, which I find unforgivable. Social media is one thing but doctors, psychologists and endocrinologists facilitating harm to traumatised, confused, autistic youth is an entirely different matter.

I would not "support and affirm a trans child" because there is no such thing.

While I agree with most of what you are saying here, there is no such thing as a child being 'born in the wrong body'.

I wouldn't affirm a trans child. When DD went through this phase I told her I am playing no part in it. She will remain a she regardless of what clothes she wears and I will not be calling her by any other name than the one she was given. I think if you affirm and play long with this you make it much mor difficult for the child to reverse the decision which many of them do. Let's be honest, whenever we meet someone who claims to be the opposite sex we are all thinking 'no you're not.' it's all a ridiculous farce.

I always thought there were a minority of people who identify as the opposite sex and who experience gender dysphoria from a very young age - very different to the rapid onset gender dysphoria that some teens now experience. Treating both groups the same, medically speaking, seems to me to be the problem

I honestly do not know what would be the best course of action. I am aware of situations where affirming worked out very badly, but that's also true of not affirming.

The one thing that I do feel sure of is that keeping it as low drama as possible is optimal.

The whole ecosystem around this is incredibly toxic and damaging. I feel so sorry for children and parents getting caught up in it.

Yes exactly.

Most of these children are just young, confused about who they are, coming to terms with puberty, their emerging sexuality. The teenage years come with all kinds of challenges.

I went through puberty very young and had very obvious breasts from the age of about 12/13. I found that very distressing. If someone had told me that this distress could mean I was trans or non binary, I might well have bought into that.

This second paragraph - fantastic response!!

Same, it's so refreshing. Social media would make you believe the whole world believes all this nonsense. Good to see common sense prevailing

I don't thinkbits " safe to say"

I definitely wouldn't support or affirm any of this shit

Have you actually read the thread at all?