Son has just told us he is non binary

[Chipshopninja]

13 years old

Wants us to use they/them

He came out as Bi a a couple of years ago and I was fine with that but this has really hit me hard

I'm terrified that this is going to lead to hormones and surgery.

Don't know why I'm posting tbh but feeling crappy because I didn't handle it well. I cried.

I can't call him my son anymore

He's my only child

Has anyone else been through this?

No I believe he has told some of his teachers and his head of year. He specifically asked them not to tell us

Unlikely seeing as the thread was started a day ago. Why shouldn't she ask others who may have been in the same boat?

Well hasn’t this developed as expected 😂

OP I think you’re doing the right thing. Listen to him, respect him, and approach it with zero drama.

It might be a phase, it might not, but either way you wouldn’t have pushed him away when he’s tried to invite you in.

Well I'm still fucking ill so no dinner out for me/us

I feel like like this is the equivalent of kids coming out as goth nowadays

I know some kids are lead by others or what they see online.

13 in my opinion is very young but what if at 25 you don't feel like a male or female? Do you just put up either it.

Genuine question. Is it the fact he's so young or that it seems to be a fad all of a sudden and people will think he will change his mind once he's older?

I'm not sure being a goth involves 'coming out'

@Knowitall69

Why do you ask if he's autistic?

I believe this would be my reaction too. OP, don't be led down a path your son wants to go at this age. He can wait until he's more mature to make such huge decisions.

Hmm. That’s interesting because it kind of follows a pattern - that is, that’s what lots of teens confused by gender do. That suggests to me that he’s picked up on these ideas from somewhere, eg school and/or online. Having spoken to some ‘trans/NB’ teens, there’s a lot of inaccurate information being spread around. Not necessarily on purpose, as I actually think they believe it’s true.

I suggest you carefully ask questions and allow your DS to work things out himself. As a starter, I’d ask him to explain non-binary. Even if he says something silly or incoherent, nod along but then ask him something related to that. What you’re basically aiming to get him to work out himself is that gender stereotypes are silly and regressive, and that there’s nothing wrong with being a feminine boy or a masculine girl.

Hello OP - I am in a similar situation to you in that my child has told us that they are trans. They had said they were gender fluid previously but now said they feel much happier identifying as the opposite gender. They have told me that they understand they can’t change biological sex but they feel more comfortable with the female gender roles. If I’m honest I hope it’s just a developmental stage of exploring their identity that they will grow out of. Unlike your DS my child is likely autistic which adds a layer of complexity. I’m trying to balance allowing expressions of feelings without overly affirming. So we have compromised on they/them pronouns but I won’t do the opposite gender ones. I hope you find your way, it’s very difficult and challenging.

@Chipshopninja

Same here with my DD. Last year she had beautiful long blonde hair. Now it’s typically boys clothes and she’s got short hair.

There is something more to it - more than tik tok or social media. It coincided exactly with hormones kicking in.

I’m not going to make a big deal, I don’t agree with labels. Hair and dress is fine, but I’m not going to encourage her to label herself differently.

It’s actually quite reassuring to know there is no boy chasing, no worries about make up, over sexualised dressing etc. She has a nice set of friends and is doing well at school.

Her perception and my perception as an adult are two completely different things. I do think this is a reaction to hormones and bodily changes. I’m glad she can express and feel comfortable to talk to me. It may be a phase, it may not - but I’m proud of her whatever she decides.

Just talk to them. They’ve told you that they want you to change the pronouns you refer to them by, so just do it, it’s not difficult. Don’t push the whole “I don’t want you to have surgery 😭😭” unless they suggest it themselves.
Some kids will outgrow it, and the more matter of fact, and less dramatic you are, the easier that will be on everyone. Others won’t, and again, the more matter of fact and less dramatic you are, the easier it will be on everyone.

"what if at 25 you don't feel like a male or female?"

Male and female are not feelings. Just biological descriptors for organisms with different types of gamete.

Telling people their relationship with their kids will 'break down' if they don't go along with some phase is absolutely scaremongering.

Encouraging (by not challenging it/helping him to think it through) a male kid to think that, if he dances and does performing arts, he can't be a male and must be something made-up instead is going to be damaging to the kid.

You’ve just reminded me that I used to insist I was a dog. It stopped pretty abruptly when I tried to go downstairs head first on my hands and knees.

Non-binary people don't use hormones or have surgery. Maybe just chill a bit and let them be who they want to be.

Some do as explained by previous posters.

I agree you should turn off the wi-fi and take his phone away or at least ban TikTok usage. Too much internet time that has led to this.

OP, I really feel for you. I’ve been navigating the same journey for a couple of years now, my adult child is transitioning, and we have been using ‘they/them’ pronouns for a while now. It’s been difficult for the family, my DH has really struggled and their siblings have found it difficult. In some ways it’s easier because they were an adult before they introduced us to the idea, so I know they’ve lived life and have experience before they made decisions. But in some ways it’s harder because we’ve known them for longer before having to adjust to these huge changes. I’ve spoken to friends and family about it, and gotten myself a great therapist, that’s helped. I’ve taken each day at a time, told my child frequently that nothing has changed for me in terms of how much I love and support them, and encouraged them to do their own therapy, to ensure they have clarity about their choices. Be kind to yourself, this is not an easy situation, you can love and support your child and still struggle with the personal impact of their decision on you as a Mum.