Son has just told us he is non binary

[Chipshopninja]

13 years old

Wants us to use they/them

He came out as Bi a a couple of years ago and I was fine with that but this has really hit me hard

I'm terrified that this is going to lead to hormones and surgery.

Don't know why I'm posting tbh but feeling crappy because I didn't handle it well. I cried.

I can't call him my son anymore

He's my only child

Has anyone else been through this?

Yes, obviously someone can be a sexuality that isn’t straight That's what happened when the OP's son told her he was bi.

That has nothing to do with 'gender', which is just ideas, or cliches, or stereotypes, about what male people look like/do/wear etc and what female people /look like/do/wear etc.

They haven’t though have they. Because they cannot.

Which is why transwomen competing with women in sport is so controversial. Because it is biological men taking space they neither belong nor can safely participate in, much of the time.

I knew that I was attracted to boys and girls by the time I was 11, in 1985. Obviously no internet back then, and lots of hobbies, but I was still bisexual. I didn't know the word, I just knew I was "wrong" and it made me miserable. I never told anybody, because it was Teesside in the 80's and the stigma was huge. It didn't stop the other kids at school picking up that I was different, and because it was the 80's, I was known as the AIDS spreader, and my life was made hell. And once section 28 came in, teachers then just watched all this happening and didn't intervene.
This still didn't turn me straight. So responding to your child confiding in you about his sexuality by punishment (he will perceive cutting off his internet access as punishment even though it is not your intention) will only make sure he never confides in you again. This is what "don't tell anyone about your sexuality, it is just attention seeking" actually achieves.
I know that non binary was the focus of the thread, but somehow bisexuality seems to be being conflated with it by some people.

My husband was never into sports, liked tennis but wasn’t a ‘lad’. Did acting/musical theatre/music. Loads of straight guys are the same.

just ignore and don’t make a thing of it and it might go away as he matures. 11 is crazy young to come out as bi, 13 is crazy young to decide to be non binary. He might grow out of it, but if not, whatever, that’s for the future!

Actually, I think that most people conflating the two topics are the ones busy trying to pretend other people are ‘transphobic’.
Most people, myself included, absolutely see that sexuality is an obvious reality. A third gender, or changing gender, is simply not.
I’m so sorry you had such a shit time.

This is an excellent, wise, and compassionate response to the OP.
Was thinking how to write my own, but couldn't put it better than this.
Hope you find it reassuring and strengthening OP.

It would seem to be a fashion at the moment, and if it’s going to upset your parents, or piss them off, that’s likely to be a plus for 13 year olds. I know someone whose Gdd (13 or 14) announced some time ago that she was now a boy, and was to be called some daft name I can’t remember now. Jupiter or Mars or something.
The parents just said OK then (or similar) and it did eventually die the death.

Be supportive, respect their wish - they will remember your support as they grow whatever they finally choose. Your child to love no matter what, that will never change.

This is a weird thread, parents refer to their kids by name. Just accept and move on, either it's a phase and will dwindle or it's their life. The only person capable of losing your child is you....and your reactions.
My guess is it often boils down to respect....kids are people (yeah not grown adults but still individuals)......you may end up causing what you seem to fear most.

Jesus H Christ. I would be furious with the school for this! How dare they!

complain to school and insist that they explain themselves. Check out Genspect and Transgender Trend for advice

Yes he did

Of course we are discussing it!

They/them is plural .

If neither he nor she is acceptable, surely the correct word is "it" ?

I'm not saying they're dirty words.

I am saying that going too hard against your child in something like this may only push them away.

Fair enough! It's good you asked. I have loads of friends of kids going through this and the amount of 'cool aunts/uncles/exes' who override parental decisions makes their lives tough. They are already battling the schools, so I feel bad when their family thinks they know better.

My first thought would be where this is coming from.

It’s hardly threats and scaremongering.

What is more scary to me is not supporting my child when they want to be listened to.

At this moment they’re not asking anything other than to use they/them.

who would it hurt the most to not do that?

Have you never heard of "they" or "them" being used to describe a person whose sex isn't known? It's not plural then.

That's irrelevant anyway - the question is what makes an NB person different from literally any other male or female person who has a unique personality that doesn't somehow "match" a body type?

He's much more relaxed about the whole thing than me. Says its either a phase or it isn't. He isn't going to do the new pronouns either though.

No i posted last night