Son has just told us he is non binary

[Chipshopninja]

13 years old

Wants us to use they/them

He came out as Bi a a couple of years ago and I was fine with that but this has really hit me hard

I'm terrified that this is going to lead to hormones and surgery.

Don't know why I'm posting tbh but feeling crappy because I didn't handle it well. I cried.

I can't call him my son anymore

He's my only child

Has anyone else been through this?

Then my original comment wasn’t aimed at you so I am not sure why you decided to reply to it? There has been PAGES of people being homophobic, transphobic etc and yes, those children absolutely will cut contact with their parents as soon as they can because who an earth wants to be around that?

If boot doesn’t fit, don’t wear it.

You do not own their sexuality/gender. You do however own the right to support them and make them feel loved. Your only job is to protect and be there.

I think the big issue here is that it's not necessarily obvious how to protect a child in these kind of circumstances. I relayed the story of my cousin's child above to demonstrate that.

Why is it that on a parenting site, certain posters threaten parents with different parenting approaches with parental alienation? Children with parents who set age appropriate boundaries do not end up alienated from their children.

This is a transactivist trope that has been used increasingly to bully parents out of safeguarding their children - often by non parents or those anxious as they've failed to intervene with their own children.

It's very disappointing to see that threat being leveraged at parents on here.

My cousin went though a phase of identifying as a boy when she was a teenager. Her mum just let her get on with it, didn’t make a big deal about it, treated it like any other phase a kid might go through and she grew out of it and she’s now the most girly girl ever with a male partner. I went through a phase of pretending I was a male musician I liked when I was about 11 would not answer to my actual name. Parents humoured me for the most part until I quickly moved on to something else.I think a lot of these cases at that age are no different to any other childhood phase. Kids like to pretend, or ‘identify’ as other people etc I think it’s just a part of figuring out who they actually are.

Google isn't a source, it's a search engine.

What's the source of that information? Everyone knows that boys start puberty after girls. It would be very unsual for a boy to start puberty at 9 or 10. It happens very occasionally though. I remember one of our teachers bringing their son along to our PGL weekend in last year of primary. He was the same age but taller and broader than all the other boys, his voice had broken and he had facial hair coming through. A few of the girls were VERY intrigued!

Your son is only 13, tomorrow it will likely be something else. Just carry on and don’t give it any traction.

Agree with the 'that's nice, dear, now go and wash your hands before dinner' approach, which you seem to have come to, albeit via a (entirely understandable) bit of emotion first. He will grow out of it.

I'd hand the school their arse though. Head, form teacher, board of governors, the works.

Yes. Short and to the point.

This!

Don’t give it the attention it doesn’t deserve and I’m sure he’ll be back to himself in no time.

Poor kids.

If a parent is homophobic, transphobic or anything along those lines, especially to a child who is either not straight, questioning or feeling confused about their gender etc and is not supportive of their child, of course their child is most likely to cut contact/go low contact with their parent at some point.

If you have something about you that you couldn’t change, regardless of what that is, and you tried to speak about it openly with your parents only to be met with things such as “you’re attention seeking”, “you’re wrong” or even “you’re too young to know that”, how would you feel? Would you want to carry on that relationship if that is all you ever said and didn’t even try to be understanding or learn more? It’s absolutely different is a parent doesn’t necessarily agree but they try to be understanding and supportive but as some posters on here have made it clear it’s not acceptable no matter what, it really would be no surprise when their children decide enough is enough.

Regardless of if it’s a fleeting thought or a permanent life change, you are their parent. You support them - unquestionably.

if they want they/them, who is it hurting? You or them?

relationships with children can break down at any age - they are seeking your support as someone they trust. Do you really want to let them down?

That.

he is 13 so he might or might not keep that idea of himself.

however, I would really relax because you will be crying a lot otherwise with more nice teenage stuff coming…

Good luck 🌺

I used to pretend to be a horse when I was a kid. I badly wanted to be a horse. My parents didn't discourage me or try to knock it out of me, but neither did they talk to me or act with me as if I was a horse.
At some point I grew out of it. Our relationship did not 'break down' and I didn't and don't feel 'let down'.
Stop making threats and scaremongering.

I do think with some kids don’t feel they fit into a standard definition of norms so their conclusion is…I must therefore be non binary.

Maybe help him explore things more by finding some role models for him of male dancers from a variety of backgrounds so he can see for himself lots of male dancers identify a variety of ways.

Thinking you’re a horse is a lot different and you know it.

You could never be a horse but someone can change their gender. Someone absolutely can be a sexuality that isn’t straight.

But OP IS supporting her son by making it clear she loves him and is there for him but not entertaining this damaging nonsense. Blindly ‘supporting’ your child when what they need is you to be the adult isn’t ‘support’ but quite often borderline/full blown abuse. OP would certainly be letting him down to do anything else. He’s 13 - who isn’t bloody confused at 13!?

Honestly I would go with it for now. They would know if they had feelings for boys/girls and they would probably be feeling like they aren’t “masculine enough” and trying to find where they fit. At 11, I didn’t know I was straight, hormones were everywhere and I was a tomboy. In fact I was sure I was straight until I was about 13 and absolutely had the hugest crush on Brian Harvey from East 17. If you’d have asked me at 7 what I wanted to be when I grew up I would have told you “a daddy”. I was never trans, but as. Tomboy I wanted to climb trees and play footy and I was closer to my dad than my mum, so for me it made sense. Even now I’m not a “girly girl” my nails are never kept neat, I rarely wear make up and I don’t give a toss about what I’m wearing so long as it’s comfortable, I am absolutely female because that’s how I feel I am. If I didn’t feel I was strongly masculine or feminine and I identified as non binary, I would hope that the people who loved me would respect me enough to go with it… whilst making it clear that if that changes they would revert to what I wished to be known as in future.

it’s not unreasonable for you to feel sad and upset for the loss of the person you thought your son would be, but not respecting him now and supporting him will mean in future they may not come to you for other advice or support.

@Chipshopninja I think you mean my child has just told me they are non binary. Fixed it for you.

You could never be a horse but someone can change their gender.

I don't think men can ever change the fact that they're male though, which is what the OP's son needs to be sensitively told.

Don't forget to give them a preparatory talk about when their periods commence.

Why would you think that? There are many people who were biologically male at birth who have successfully transitioned to female with things like surgery and medication.

Unless I have misunderstood what you were trying to say?

It's trendy at the moment. I wouldn't entertain the they/them bullshit. It's the height of entitlement to expect others to change their acquired language - a pronoun is a nanosecond decision of language that people have learn from babyhood. People will use whatever their brain assesses in that nanosecond and I wouldn't be constantly monitoring my speech. They can dress however they like, cut their hair any way....fine. But the BS NOB. nope.

This is great advice. There's no need to declare yourself as anything if you start from the premise that you aren't blocked from doing the things you like because of your sex.

Children mature and change - and that's why parents are quite rightly concerned that a niche adult ideology based on an untruth - that sex change is possible - has been sold to the young with the "you could be born in the wrong body but a sex change will cure you"

It's not transphobic to challenge all this - it's fundamental safeguarding. Of course parents say "you're too young" about all sorts of things. Society does that with all manner of age restricted acts (tattoos, driving, drinking /buying alcohol etc). Yes, some posters are being flippant with their responses but we have a generation of vulnerable children who've been groomed into believing sex change is desirable with the most mentally vulnerable embarking on terrifying courses of harmful drugs, surgery etc.

Until very recently parents have been shamed, bullied and frightened out of doing anything except affirming their children with professionals, the media, transactivists and others in their communities silencing them with "better a live son than a dead daughter" tropes. This silencing has been led by transactivists who initiated the mantra #nodebate which has led to the wholesale homophobic transitioning of gay and lesbian children.

It's really important that parents are encouraged to regain their role in safeguarding children. There's no perfect way to parent our children. We all muddle through doing the best we can, offering a mix of unconditional love alongside the confidence to say no to things that are dangerous.

* T*here are many people who were biologically male at birth who have successfully transitioned to female with things like surgery and medication

These people are men with body modifications and medicine so they can present in a way they prefer to, no?

They can't really say they are women or have changed sex to be female. People are just humouring them when they say that. It's not actually biologically possible.