Son has just told us he is non binary

[Chipshopninja]

13 years old

Wants us to use they/them

He came out as Bi a a couple of years ago and I was fine with that but this has really hit me hard

I'm terrified that this is going to lead to hormones and surgery.

Don't know why I'm posting tbh but feeling crappy because I didn't handle it well. I cried.

I can't call him my son anymore

He's my only child

Has anyone else been through this?

Read that back to yourself

You never heard words like gay and straight when I was 11, and I think my childhood was all the better for it.

Well my kids were brought up knowing the difference between gay and straight because their uncle had a boyfriend - and later they went to his wedding. Their godfather is also gay. Plus we have loads of gay/bi friends. I think it is healthy for kids to grow up knowing that being gay or bi is absolutely fine and normal. I fancied boys from about 5 - I had a huge crush on Steven M in my class at school. I didn't want to have sex with him, had no idea what sex was, I just wanted to play horses and gallop round the field! I knew what I liked though.

My daughter says she liked boys and girls until she was about 8 when she just liked girls (actually she laughed and said she probably just liked Ron Weasley because he had fantastic hair). She still just likes girls. She's 19 now.

A neighbour of mine once suggested that my daughter had been influenced to be gay by our gay friends.... "caught the gay" no less. Said in front of one such gay friend AND my then 18 year old daughter. which was astonishing. I handed her ignorant arse to her. She's lucky I was the only one to bother.

@TheDogIsInCharge The 'catching gay' thing is really odd - presumably the person themselves is worried that their own sexual orientation could change if someone acts a certain way in front of them?!

You can really tell the age of most people on mumsnet by these responses…wow.

Don’t be surprised when all your children suddenly go no contact as soon as they can🤣

Maybe preteens are coming out because they realise there’s idiots like you who think they need to conform to what you think is “normal” and they want to set it right that it isn’t the case.

Are you talking about the people that have told you which years they were at school? In which case, yes, you can have a decent stab at their age. Well done for working that out!

I think you’re absolutely insane. You can teach children about different sexualities, genders, reproductive health without it being about sex. I learnt about all of these growing up and the focus was never on sex, it was just about those things.

It’s actually quite homophobic to insinuate that you cannot know about being gay etc without sexualising it.

Oh and you definitely weren’t the last generation to have a childhood. I spent majority of mine outside playing, no phones or computers and judging by your comment, I am definitely younger than you.

Yup, I can tell who the adults in the room are. And adults understand that their job is to parent their children, rather than just go along with any old fad.

11 year olds do not need to conform to any sexual norms at all, they’re children.
Anyone interested in a pre teen’s sexual feelings shouldn’t be anywhere near children in the first place.

No, you can tell who has the children who will never speak to them about sensitive topics again and who has children who know their parents will accept them for who they are.

Im not sure why you think you aren’t parenting your child if you’re happy for them to be any gender or sexuality?

You're right, they don’t need to conform but if that’s how they feel and they’d like to discuss it with a trusted adult, why shouldn’t they be able to? Why shouldn’t they feel supported if that is how they’re truly feeling?

You don’t need to be interested in a pre teens sexual feelings to listen to them if they come to you to talk about it. You’re very strange for making it into something it’s not.

You really can’t. You’ll learn this for yourself when you grow up. HTH.

As for 'conforming', there is nothing more conforming than gender ideology. My children are being brought up to understand there is no right way to be male or female.

I'm sending so much empathy to you, I find they/them such a confusing concept to navigate and I feel it's so much more daunting than a child who has spoken out about being gay or questioning. I feel 13 is very young for such an assertion and we went through a situation when my son was in Year 7 and almost all of the girls in his year decided they were gay. It was beyond ridiculous and really upset my son as he couldn't understand why all anyone was talking about at school was sexual preferences. In the end I went in and complained about the school enabling such attention-seeking behaviour and in the process likely alienating any children who genuinely were beginning to question their sexuality for real. As adults we don't generally walk around introducing ourselves and also stating our sexual preferences and pronouns can be handled as and when needed. I think you need to have a chat with your son as and when you feel able about how 'they' want this to look moving forward and try and handle it as calmly and sensitively as possible. There's no shame in admitting you are out of your depth and need their guidance.

You're not out of touch I believe young kids are being brainwashed into all this by social media and schools. Kids feel they've got to go along with it or they will be cancelled. Saying they are bi whilst that young is terrible. Not the child for saying it but the adults putting it into their heads.

It’s very mature to call someone a teenager because they think children should be able to express themselves and speak about it openly at any age, isn’t it?

I’m pretty sure this will be my young cousin in the near future. His mum is very open but not to this. I suggested to her to watch Ru Paul’s DR as it’s such an eye opener and makes me cry. There are lots of documentaries on this subject on iPlayer. I wish you all the strength and love op xx

Hes 13 and came out as bi a couple of years ago?
good grief my boys were more interested in playing at that age to bother with all that nonsense!

Idiot.

Then we have differing opinions and that’s fine. It’s not very grown to tell people if they don’t agree with you they need to grow up but I guess that’s what we get from mumsnet🤷🏼‍♀️

👏🏻

My daughter did the same thing. Just support him and go with it. It's either a right of passage and they will grow out of it, or they will stick with it. There are some things you just cannot prevent in life and getting stressed over it will only make the situation worse and your child feel unloved and unsupported. I have been here. You still have a child, you have not lost your child, they are alive, they felt safe and comfortable enough to tell you this - You should appreciate this and be grateful. You do not own their sexuality/gender. You do however own the right to support them and make them feel loved. Your only job is to protect and be there.

Really? That’s all you got?